Online dating in your 50s

[Ffobele]

I guess this is a but of a relationship AIBU. Or maybe an AIB Old Fashioned!

I'm new to online dating after coming out of a 25 year marriage and I've had a couple of chats with guys online and on the phone. I am finding that there is a directness that I am really not used to and wondered if this is normal?

I figured that these preliminary chats would be about who we are, what we do, a little bit of life history, finding an emotional connection, seeing if we connect before we meet etc. Baby steps. But instead there seems to be an almost dogged focus on the physical side of things even at this early stage. These guys have been respectful and polite but talking about sexual compatibility, preferences etc before we've even met feels a bit presumptuous to me.

I get that in our 50s we all have a better idea of what we are after in a relationship and maybe there's a sense of urgency at this age or something, but what happened to good old fashioned flirting and finding stuff out bit by bit? Is it the norm to be setting out your stall so early?

Any woman would spot the hair dye immediately & would be wary - well, at least I did.

I'd also reject anyone with photo taken by a yacht on a marina as I assumed it wasn't theirs & they were trying to impress & I would question their motives assuming that they were trying to impress.

Also profile pictures of men in bed, wearing sunglasses, half dressed, in pubs with lots of empty glasses in front of them - all rejected. There were lots of them. I'd think 'what are you thinking? you want to sell yourself as a potential partner & you put a picture of you with your beer belly exposed in a pub garden with lots of empty glasses & a full ashtray in front of you?' 😱

I would hope that any potential partner would be able to call your 'businessman' BIL out on his lies with a few easy questions.

It helped that when I met my DH he had been a genuine businessman with local businesses & I was able to check him out with friends who knew about him & his businesses before I committed to a relationship.

My new favourite was some old boy topless in what was obviously a hospital bed. If sickly Randy old men are your thing it might work

I didn't experience that at all. It was all very light chat that didn't seem to go anywhere.

In my early 50s the only interest I got seemed to be from men older than me who clearly hadn't taken any care of themselves at all, or men 30 years younger than me!

Ok, for me (50s):

• I only look for someone locally - up to 25 miles, I dont want long distance. Why someone from Southampton would message someone in Birmingham???
• I try to ask a question in each response and give some detail in my answers. If I get one word replies or its hard work it stops, it should be free-ish flowing
• Reasonable response times, your on a dating site and if you only send one message a day are you serious?
• Chat a bit, work, family, hobbies, etc then onto a drink for date 1. I like to do this asap as meeting someone is so different to texting. Also, I will meet most people as I cant decide if they are the one over messages.
• If that goes well then another drink or meal/walk for 2nd date
• For me a 3rd date is key - do I like them, is there something back, if so I personally would stop chatting to others and focus on this
• Of course we have other priorities like work, kids etc but again, I would expect (normally, if someone is away on holiday thats different) the 3 dates to happen in a 2 week period?
• And then it continues. Some have moved faster (sex early on), some have moved a lot slower (2 months on)

But I am not after ONS, I want to meet someone longer term and enjoy life with. And it's so hard to get dates sometimes!!!

😂😂

I'm also in my 50's and back online for the last 2 months. I haven't experienced that at all. Had 5 1st dates and 2 I had 2nd dates with and now down to 1 guy im having a 3rd date with. He's the only one I felt inclined to kiss. No one has mentioned anything about sexual preferences. Either before or during a date.
Im not in the UK though....

Totally agree, best to have someone local to you, preferably someone who your friends will know about.

I did have a couple of dates with someone out of my local area, but within 30 miles, who turned out to be on the Sex Offender's register. Luckily I only saw him in a local pub & sex was out of the question until I got to know him well. I didn't know about his history until he sent me a photo of his dick from his email address showing real name. For info, he'd given me a false surname. I immediately blocked him, looked up his real name up & discovered who he really was - he'd been imprisoned for drugging & raping previous partners.

Subsequently he was involved in the mysterious death of a partner of his, but he died so the family of that poor lady will never know the truth about what happened to that woman.

Richard Scatchard: Body in caravan thought to be wanted sex offender - BBC News

I so dodged a bullet there.

Don't go on free sites. You get a better class of match on paid sites.

Bin anyone instantly if they message anything you don't like.

In my OLD days I was inundated by messages from men in their 70’s even early 80’s - most of whom either resembled Dobbys more wizened older brother or Rab C Nesbitt in 30 years. And they were the ones who got arsey with a polite no

I was mid 50’s at that point

Bloody hell. That's enough to put anyone off 😬😬😬

It’s the same men. I paid for a month on Match and deleted my profile after a week - absolute waste of money

Another recommend for Burned Haystack dating method. On Facebook or insta. It shows you the rhetorical patterns men use and how often there are red flags that you can pick up early once you know what to look for, as you can block them ( don’t explain why, we are not here to teach them how to behave!) I find it so interesting and they almost always give themselves away even when not initially obvious.
You are a braver woman than me. I just can’t be bothered with it all now. Single life spending it with interesting, funny, smart women who don’t let me down, want to get out and do things and don’t talk about their genitals will suit me just fine thanks!

Too freaking right!

However it could be some nice man who you meet in a pub or when walking your dog. You never know.

I was very careful while dating, but, if they give you a false surname you can't check them out. Trust me, I checked him out, as he seemed a nice interesting, intellegent man. But, as he'd given me a false surname, it came out clear.

Luckily for me he made the mistake of sending me a dick picture (which would've been enough for me to not want to see him again) but as it came from his genuine email account I realised that he'd lied & was able to find out who he really was. I sent him a link to a news report of his offences saying 'I'm not taking the risk that there are 2 Richard Scatchards - this must be you, you are blocked, do not contact me again, if you do I will contact the police' & then blocked him. I have no idea if he tried to respond because I'd blocked him.

I feel rather guilty that I should have contacted the police & may have saved that poor woman's life.

I briefly tried OLD and it was shit, scared the living daylights out of me. My DS decided I was useless and said he’d filter them for me, one man outright said “I have lots of money and want to spend it on you” I mean wtf. Ds said fantastic and said he’d reply and then laughed, I knocked my phone out of his hands, lol. I’m sure that man got plenty of replies but I don’t think he was looking for a quality woman!

I joined a sports team and a motorcycle group, hopefully something would grow organically.

My friend dates a man who went on to rape and murder his next gf.
He’s already back on streets as he was released early though he’s on licence and not allowed within 50 miles of my friends hometown

I did Tinder a couple of years ago now having come out of a long marriage. I'm mid 50s and put a top age limit of 1 year older than me because even men my own age don't look choice tbh.

Anyway I had loads of interest from younger men, went on some nice dates. Had some fun. But the 3 men my exact age I met up with were all really nice, didn't do any sex talk and I could have carried on with any of them really.

Obviously I had to wade through a load of weirdos to get to those three but I think it's fairly easy to ditch the nutters and only carry on with the decent ones.

I'm in a relationship now with the 3rd one I met who just seemed to stand out for me, we matched so well in our interests and background.

@FloydPink was more meaning the guys that are continually getting rejected, not for their looks and get upset such as the emotionally inept example date I gave. They just don't seem to have the wherewithall to think maybe they need to do something about it.

That doesn't sound like you though..

My mate just sent me a screenshot of a Nan who liked her - he was very hirsute, sitting in the bath holding a can of Stella. Who could refuse?

Which sites? I'm pn Bumble and Match.

@LittleJustice I'm in awe of you - I love your approach. You sound so confident. I'm not there yet, not sure I ever will be tbh. I'm a bit scared of Tinder. Is it dates or is it to hook up?

It’s a bit painful; the majority arent looking for a relationship, seem to want casual sex, have little self-awareness & aren’t ageing well.

I must have been on about a dozen dates before I met DP. But I was very clear I wanted a relationship, not casual sex & didn’t want to waste my precious time on sleazy, selfish men.

I struck gold with DP - he’s emotionally intelligent, fit, attractive, mentally stable (!) with a good job & circle of friends. He is the best lover I have ever had & treats me incredibly well. A definite rarity!

Tinder just has the most people on it. I didn't realise it has a reputation as a hook up place, but tbh most men are on lots of sites. You might get the most clueless ones on Tinder with it being the biggest.

And I'm in a densely populated area which helps I think. Plus I have always enjoyed the company of men, so treated it as a fun way to meet new ones without any expectations.

I was really looking for a FWB situation having been married for so long I wanted a bit of fun and flirting. But when I met my current guy, he was too good to pass by.

It’s not been my experience but I have a particular type as I like highly educated men who are very successful - they just don’t engage with me that way. I expect them to chat a little and ask me out on a proper date (dinner, etc) if they just want text for weeks and then suggest a walk/coffee, I’m not interested. It’s worked quite well for me as I have had a 3 year relationship with a lovely man (but sadly couldn’t get our family lives to work together) and have just started dating someone new again recently and all going well.
I would set your bar very high or it’s just not worth it - I’d rather be single than waste my time on the type of men who I think you’ve been unfortunate to connect with.

Welcome to OLD! I’m gay and it’s the same with many women so it’s not just a man thing

Oh and definitely pay to go incognito on bumble if you can afford to.