I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

Doesn't matter if it was insensitive or not. She was upset. First rule of marriage: move towards each other when one or both of you is upset. Explain yourself as best you can to fix things.

“Wow, you wasted your youth.” I didn’t mean to hurt her 🙄

So you shamed her and made her feel inadequate despite the fact that you were the one she trusted enough for her first sexual experience. @gotew82674

Not really surprising she was shocked then, really, is it.

Of course you have offended her. You totally invalidated a very serious commitment that she made to herself, and also totally failed to recognise that she was paying you a very large compliment.

Well you were mean and should feel bad tbh. 3 months is a very reasonable time to wait for sex. She was looking for a life partner before she let them access that part of her. It was special to her and you've spoilt it. You have a lot of making up to do starting with a long look at your attitude to her choices

Oh dear. Think before opening mouth in future.

You honestly sound like an insensitive idiot. I wish I could advise you on this. Do better?

Yeah that was pretty insensitive.

foot in mouth moment.
apologise profusely

You pretty much told her that you prefer thinking of her having sex with other men to knowing that you were the special man she wanted to be with in that way. It was an idiotic comment and you have a lot of making up to do.

He did. But I actually think OP is the one with a healthier view about sex.

While it’s a good thing to wait for the right person to have sex with, it sounds like she treated it as a massive compliment to her husband. She wanted him to feel special- but virginity isn’t some amazing gift you give your partner.

Are you generally this tactless, OP?

If I were you id come up with a serious credible reason why you spoke like such a dickhead and apologize and let her know how special what she did really was.

Wife, ive been thinking a lot about that thing you told me, I need to talk to you about it. I said something really stupid- more importantly something that I actually didn't mean. I was really surprised in the moment and it just popped out. I actually think its really special you did this for me, I really admire you etc etc

Come up with something really good. Make it ring absolutely true for your personality. Make a big deal of it. Then you might have a chance at sorting out your fuck up.

Tbh though I think you sound like you actually dont appreciate who she is at all and I think she'll refer back to this moment as the moment she realized you're an idiot.

It was to her. That's the point.

Your excuse for why you were a complete dick is laughable, your post makes it clear you don’t think she is right to be upset.

Either start listening and understanding your wife, or leave and let her find a decent guy.

You didn't have to be mean.

I appreciate her, I have just never cared about virginity

That was pretty insensitive, although I can understand your thought process. I do think it's odd she didn't mention this before you were first intimate or married. I would plan a special evening for her, flowers and cook a meal. Let her know how important she is to you.

I didnt mean to be

I hope your wife has the joy of bringing a daughter into the world so she can teach her about her body, consent, resisting peer pressure and confidence. They’re excellent qualities, it’s a shame you reacted badly. So many women have awful experiences from their “youth” - I don’t think she wasted it at all, I think she probably avoided being disrespected and unsatisfied(!) She will never forget how you made her feel in that moment. I suggest you tell her you realise how insensitive you were and have had your eyes opened.

exactly

If this is for real, as I don’t quite understand why this hasn’t come up before in your relationship, and how you get to the point of marrying someone without discussing this sort of stuff beforehand, then go and buy her the most enormous, gorgeous, romantic bunch of flowers you can possibly afford and make sure she has a simple vase to put them in. And tell her you are sorry and that you were a complete whazzock. That should do it! 😬

Then book a restaurant and take her out to dinner and tell her that you have been thinking about what she said and although you didn’t react well initially, on reflection, you feel really flattered to be her first and hopefully only.

Does she come from a religious background at all? Once you have been forgiven you could try and explain much later, not on the same night, that you didn’t mean anything disparaging by it, rather the reverse, just that you are coming from a completely different perspective and as a feminist and someone who respects women, you believe in equal opportunities in the bedroom for both sexes.

How’s that?

You are getting very harsh replies which is the norm for men posting on here.
I don’t think it was a bad comment,
you were just making a little joke, and I think your wife was being oversensitive to take it so badly. I’d just apologise and tell her you didn’t mean to ruin the moment.
The other posters are just trying to put you down and make you feel bad. Mumsnet is not the place for men to ask advice.

And that’s why he messed up. Completely agree.

but I worry that young women are being fed a load of expectations about sex based around them ‘waiting’ for the one special person

You were. Work it out. Your responsibility.

Yes, but what she had literally just said made it clear that she did!

It’s completely irrelevant how you feel about virginity, or whether you privately feel she should have been shagging all round her before you met. It’s not about you, it’s about responding to her.

I agree it was insensitive but she blindsided you with the information. When this happened you were shocked and had a bit of verbal diarrhoea.

Had you any idea she was this traditional and her values were this different to yours?
I would be annoyed that I had not been told at the time or before marriage.

All you can do is apologise for upsetting her but I don’t think you need to be too hard on yourself.