I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

Of course i can see why its upsetting, but being upset doesn't make someone right. She can't expect everyone to view it the same way

i’d be more interested in meeting the people that brought up his wife with that ridiculous purity crap that she’s tried to bestow on her husband and fingers crossed he doesn’t have children with her at all

She kind of took away choice from me.

Sounds like there may be a lot more going on here and your wife may just be fed up of you making everything about you.

They didn’t wait until after marriage. They waited three months from the start of the relationship.

I think you know that in her eyes you have devalued what she saw as something special that she kept for you as you were important to her. You need to now make it clear that you value this and that you spoke out of surprise rather than any attempt to devalue her decisions.

This was almost my story!
Allbeit 35 years ago
I wanted my first time to be special. I waited. My now DH did know it was my first time but he didn’t care at all and I think he’d rather not have been the first.
So only one bloke my entire life.
He’s wonderful and sex is consistently good but I have nothing to compare it to.
I wish I had been more adventurous
but mainly after 30 plus years it STILL bothers me that he didn’t care that I’d waited!

So do what you can to fix this and in your shoes, imagining that I’m your wife, you should lie convincingly that actually it did matter and it was an amazing thing did.

Then set out to be a sex god!

OMG, this is an awful thing to say. She only waited until she met someone she thought was special, what's wrong with that?

Honest to god, people cannot win. Sleep with someone too soon then a woman is a slag. Wait to long and she's some kind of weirdo. It's high time we stopped judging women and their choices of what to do with their own bodies.

Why don’t you try to get better at sex?

repeat post

It's a perfectly valid choice to wait until marriage to have sex.

You don't need to shit on other women's choices because they don't align with your own.

I agree with this. Tbh I think that is information you should have been aware of, I wouldn’t actually be that impressed at being blindsided with this after the event. That’s not fair!
OP you definitely need to apologise- that was a clumsy thing to say, but I understand why you said it.

She should have been honest with you from the start. Why didn't she tell you sooner?

If my DH told me this after we were married I'd be stunned, shocked and my response would show that. What did she expect you to say - thank you?

The whole thing is weird. She waited all these years then only waited 3 months. What if the two of you split up?

As you can see from all my questions, I find the whole situation bizarre.

Is she normally sensitive? I can't see why she's upset about this. It's just another way of saying "How amazing that no one else picked up this rare treasure before I did."

@Toomuchprivateinfo he's entitled to his opinion. If I met a someone in their late 20s who’d grown up in a village and never left that village, not even gone into the nearby town, I’d think they’d wasted their life. They may not agree, but I’d be entitled to my opinion. It’s the same with any life choices. We can have opinions on the choices of others.

I don't think it's about the virginity as such. For me and DH who were each other's firsts, it's just a bit special that we've just shared that experience together. It's something special to us.

That said, he's not great in bed. But I have nothing to compare to, so maybe that's just how sex is? Or maybe the problem is me? But no, I do think he's actually just not great in bed.

You need to tell her that you are very sorry for your reaction but just to clarify, you just did a really poor job of saying that TO YOU a woman’s value doesn’t change just because of her sexual history. It doesn’t matter if she’sa virgin or had a hundred partners, her innate worth doesn’t vary based on her being (or not being) penetrated by a penis. Say that it’s lovely that she’s now feels she can confide in you and that says a huge amount about how much love she feels for you and you absolutely reciprocate that and adore her. Then try really bloody hard to improve your own mediocrity in the bedroom.

Sigh. The only way to fix it would be to tell her what you've just told us, that you were suprised and those words came out without thinking, that it was inconsiderate and stupid on your part but you never wanted to hurt her and you're sorry that you did.
Be honest, talk to her and then let the subject just be dropped. You both will get over it eventually.

I think she's being a bit unreasonable not sharing this with you in the first place, and then expecting you to be grateful or whatever.

But yes, apologise and explain and that should really be enough. This shouldn't be a huge issue where she storms off upset.

Why can’t you learn to be better in bed so she can have the amazing sex you think she deserves?

I agree with this

Yes this.
she wanted sex to be a social experience with her one true love. You’ve really dismissed this.

she wanted you to say you’re so grateful she chose you and you appreciate that she trusted you with that and perhaps wish she’d felt able to trust you to know it was her first time so you could make it extra special for her.

shes clearly a romantic so romance is the way to go here- plan a romantic date for her, roses, etc

Tell her you didn't mean it the way it came out and you are very sorry, and you are really happy she waited for you to come along. She's the best thing that ever happened in your life (assuming all of that is true) phrased however is good for you but with sincerity. Flowers might be good too.

I agree he should get the beducated website

How do you fix it? You apologise sincerely and without caveat. You make yourself open and vulnerable to listen, to both her experiences before and why she feels upset and betrayed now and you don't make excuses at all. And you recognise that if she isn't ready to talk about when you want to talk about it you wait.

We all say things without thinking and don't realise will hurt someone else - but that's part of life. You didn't mean it but it's happened anyway - you need to repair now.

This