I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

Sorry what? You're blaming your wife because she didn't tell you she was a virgin the first time you slept together?

On the other hand, she might just have had a lot of very bad sex with men who didn't have a clue. Or had amazing sex with a man who was completely wrong for her for other reasons. Speaking from experience. ( I don't mean that I would have waited for my DH, just that it's not always the case that more of anything is better)
And OP perhaps you could try to be a better lover, find out what your wife would like you to do to make sex better. Instead of the nonsense you are currently coming out with.

No it's not! It's about choice. You don't get to dictate whether your wife told you she was a virgin before you slept together the first time

This seems like a huge misread. If she'd wanted it to be a "gift" to you, surely you would have known at the time rather than her mentioning it a couple of years into marriage. The fact she quietly trusted you at the time without explicitly mentioning it strongly suggests this was completely about her preference and judgement and nothing else.

Also, "waiting for someone she could marry" doesn't imply "one special person". There could be many people who could potentially meet that benchmark, but it could still be rare enough that a woman might reach her late 20s without meeting one. She waited 3 months into the relationship, not till marriage!

Nobody would like hearing their spouse telling them they "wasted their youth". Unless you've missed out a lot in your post, it sounds like she simply doesn't/didn't value casual sex and you're trying to tell her she should have.

Then you're saying that you might not have slept with her if you'd known she was a virgin, because the idea causes you anxiety, which tbh seems like you're making a much bigger deal out of it than she is, while claiming you don't care about it.

Young women encouraged to wait? Hardly! In this day and age it's sadly quite the opposite. I worry that young men and women are being actively encouraged to have sex when and with whom they like with less and less boundaries. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a woman waiting, it doesn't mean she has to be religious or has been fed advice about waiting.

Exactly.

I agree with you whole heartedly OP. She has wasted her youth. I would just apologise for upsetting her but stand by your point, you think she wasted her youth. She’s only 29 and in 20 years time at the age of 49, I have a feeling she will understand what you meant.

I think it’s strange she has waited all this time to tell you something so fundamental.

It's quite telling that the OP said in their first post that it was unusual for him to wait - and then suggests he's not very good in bed. So he's been having all this sex but isn't very good at it and thats why he's upset that his wife didn't sleep with more people before they got married?

What a load of tosh. It's like slut shaming in reverse. If his wife wanted to sleep with 20 people before she married him. Her choice. If she wanted to sleep with no one. Her choice. Her body. Her choice.

This shows you still don’t understand. It doesn’t seem like an "amazing gift" to you, and she didn’t really view it as a gift to you or she would have told you about it at the time, but the point is that rightly or wrongly, it was very important to her and you sneered at that. Your flippant comment didn’t just invalidate all her years of waiting, self-discipline and self-sacrifice (the fact that she didn’t have intercourse with anyone for all that time doesn’t mean that she didn’t physically want to), but also made her feel that you see that time as a negative and you think she was stupid.

You need to apologise profoundly, tell her you realise that what came out of your mouth was stupid, and you feel deeply flattered that you were the first man she trusted enough to have sex with, and you will do your very best to deserve that trust. And for the future you need to appreciate that you and she view intercourse very differently: you view it as a routine, purely physical act and she views it as a lot more than that.

It's the kind of thing someone should tell a sexual partner before having sex with them for the first time. At least, that's what I always thought

Do not say this to your DW... you're making it all about you feeling 'wronged' and she's the one who feels exposed and hurt right now. The fact that she didn't share this information with you until now shows just how deeply personal and important it is to her.

Also... telling a guy, 3 months into a new relationship, that you are having sex with him because you think he's the man you are going to marry would probably not have gone well!!

You are an idiot for coming out with such a dismissive, throw away comment. Apologise for being an idiot, by trying to deflect with a poor attempt at self depreciation, for not being curious about why she made that choice and why she told you now.

For future reference, "thank you for sharing that, I love that you feel able to be so open with me"... or "I wasn't expecting you to say that, it seems important to you, tell me more"

Wasted her youth by not having more sex? Are people not allowed to decide to be celibate if they want to be?

I think you are fetishing virginity, just the other way round to how you are currently framing it. This seems a much bigger deal than it should be - everyone has a first time. Why not with you? Why does she have to tell someone ahead of time, especially if they might reject her? As you said you might have rejected her, she was right not to mention it.

You'd tell the person you shared your life with and loved that they'd wasted their youth because they'd made a different choice to you? One that was really important to them? Are you also going to provide them with a Time Machine and demand they shag about to meet your preference? That's pretty grim

It is unbelievably rude to say that to your life partner. How can you say they wasted their youth (on you, no less) and will never experience amazing sex?

What’s stopping you from learning how to give her amazing sex?

Why are you asking this after nearly 2 years and having married so recently?

You've got from "I said something stupid and my wife has had the temerity to be upset by it," to thanking people for giving you advice on how to apologise, to now blaming your wife for taking away your sexual choices. FML. Divorce the poor woman and let her find someone less navel gazing and better in bed.

I dont think you can repair this with any flowers meals or well thought out post conversation statements. If I were you I would say we have different views on virginity and the way I reacted was based on my view. I overlooked the validity of your view. I can't now pretend I have the same view but I do apologise for my thoughtless comment and I do on reflection realise what a big deal this was from your perspective and how insulting my response was.

All you can do is apologise for upsetting her but I don’t think you need to be too hard on yourself.

Yes, this. OP, what's done is done, all you can do here is apologise and explain everything, then let it go.

Hi OP, I think you know you may have some making up to do. I think that you probably need to examine your views around sex, less around her virginity or not (because I think it’s totally legitimate, frankly normal that you’re not excited about virginity as a gift to you and you already know you’ve been a bit insensitive for not understanding that your wife meant it as a compliment that she really trusted you with something that was very meaningful to her and reacted oddly in the moment), but more in terms of what this highlights about your own performance. Your wife could have had 1000 one night stands before you and not had amazing sex, because sex is not really a numbers game - men and women might become more comfortable and confident in what they want by having more sex, or they might not. What really matters is having a partner who is attuned to your needs and wants to make it pleasurable for you. If you don’t feel that you are doing this for your partner and you worry that there is something missing for her, there are intimacy courses that you could consider doing together. Failing that, watch a bit of Bridgerton 🤣

I can understand if you are a little mortified that maybe your first time together wasn’t “momentous”. It was clearly meaningful to her, as she wouldn’t have married you just because you took her virginity (real life is not Bridgerton!).

The fact that your wife didn’t tell you until recently is also slightly odd to me - maybe you both need a bit of assistance with intimacy/communication.

Agree with this.

I do think it was weird that this hadn't come up at all in the marriage before though. Surely you'd mention that you were a virgin before marriage a lot sooner than 18 months into the marriage?!

I think I'd have reacted in a similar way, I think you need to apologise though as it was a big deal for her.

I imagine she thought it would make you feel special that you were 'the One' she waited for, and you were supposed to be moved that she gave you something precious.

I lost my virginity when I was 19 to a serious boyfriend, I didn't at all feel that I was giving him a gift, it was something we did together, and it was a bit sore the first time. I think it was weird she didn't tell you at the time.

If you are worried about not being good enough at sex that is something you can work on together, lots of people find that it gets better in a committed relationship as you get to realy know and trust each other. Perhaps put your energy there, once you have apologized and made your DW feel really loved?

She wanted it to be really, really special and now it’s not. I agree that women shouldn’t feel guilty about sex and you shouldn’t expect virginity , but that was a crass comment .

But he told her she wasted her youth as if it were a fact.
And some opinions are best kept to yourself, especially those about intimate issues and when the clock can’t be turned back. What good was going to come from expressing his judgment that she’d wasted her youth? So yes, he did say something wrong.

Yes, he’s entitled to his opinion. He can think what he likes. But he doesn’t have to share every critical thought of his wife with her, sneer at something she shared with him that was important to her, and then feel aggrieved that she’s upset.