I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

Honestly, what is emerging from this thread is not to do with your wife, but your own poor self-esteem, sexually speaking.

I mean, what do you want from Mn, OP? There have certainly been male posters before who got some kind of kick from exposing their sexual inadequacies on a female forum.

I’m not so sure. See my previous post.

Oh yes, sorry, I was being sarcastic! 😅

This. This is is such a self-burn from OP is actually hilarious

Even if she'd had sex with other men before you, doesn't mean it would have been any good OP. The deep connection and trust that DH and I have is way better than the sex I had with other men. DH has only ever had sex with me and it doesn't bother him.

“You didn’t say anything wrong”

Yes he did! Why does he get to judge that she’s wasted her youth? Just because casual sex with multiple people is his idea of a youth well-spent, it’s certainly not everyone’s. He’s criticised her choice to reserve the ultimate act of intimacy for someone she feels is special. Good on her, why should she be made to feel bad about that, especially by her own husband?

OP I think it's also important to remember that not everyone is bothered about good sex or finding the best sex partner for them. For some people this is a fair trade off when they want to stick to certain values or feel safer doing so.

the truth hurts. She'll get over it if you apologise.

We don’t know that the OP’s wife was giving him her virginity like some kind of gift - in fact, if she had been doing that I think she would have told him all about it continuously from before the deed took place.

Also she didn’t bring it up until now - suggesting she might feel a little bit vulnerable about that choice; she might have anticipated a “virgin shaming” response - as has happened. She doesn’t seem to have shamed you about your insecurities around sex.

It seems more likely to me that she wanted emotional security and real intimacy from a partner before she had sex with them - which shows a certain measure of respect for relationships and clarity about her intentions that it would be polite and decent to respect.

She is entitled to her values - and your respect, OP. There are people who find sex is better with intimacy and it looks like you have married one.

Totally agree. I don't think my DH is particularly good at sex, but we've just shared it with each other, so that is special to us.

I’m more worried that you think you’re bad at sex but were happy to marry your wife without improving, on the grounds you assumed she’d already experienced better? So she’s had amazing sex and can now settle down with someone who thinks he’s crap?

Is there any reason why you can’t improve your skills in the bedroom and give your wife the amazing sex you imagine other men would (but mostly don’t in my experience)?

It really isn’t that difficult to be great in bed.

@gotew82674 I think it's weird to wait until after marriage to have sex. What if it's really bad? But that's on you as well- why did you think it was OK to wait after marriage to have sex since you had no idea she was a virgin?

OP just don't make the follow up mistake of saying or implying you had much better sex before you met her!! Make sure you let her know all the casual/ other relationships you had prior were mediocre at best and she's the best ever. This is definitely not the time for the unvarnished truth.

If you don’t think you’re good at it, you owe it to your wife to become good at it. (Once you’re past this hiccup). You’re only 30, don’t be complacent and just let her have average sex for the rest of her life.

On another note, I used to be religious and waited until I was married and I really really wish I hadn’t (even though I’m happily married). There is a lot of complexity in your feelings when you think that virginity is a virtue, and it can become quite toxic when you mix a desire to be virtuous with a very primal desire to have sex, whether that virtue is religiously motivated or not. There’s probably a lot to unpack with your wife, but a heartfelt apology and expressIng a desire to understand and connect is a good place to start.

Did you open the conversation by telling her how may sexual partners you’d had before her? I assume so, as otherwise you’ve taken away her “choice”. So how did she respond? With silence?

I waited until I was 25 and met my now husband. Waited 3 months too. It was because it felt like the most intimate thing in the world and I couldn't share it with just anyone. Prior to having sex, I felt like I was totally weird. I had built it up to be this huge thing in my head and worried that if I ever told a man, he would be put off and never want to see me again.

I think I would have been extremely hurt had my now husband responded like you did when we talked about it. At the time he told me he'd wait until I was ready and he told me he felt very privileged that I'd chosen him when the time came. It was really special and all my hang-ups evaporated.

I think what you've said has made her feel like something very special and important to her is of no value to you.

Remember that she had years of fancying people and wanting to have sex, but chose you. You might not have realised it but she gave you something she considered to be a very profound and meaningful gift.

If you can understand what that means, you have a chance of recovering from this.

Why on earth do you keep making references “to not being good” at sex. This isn’t about you. It’s about her. It’s almost as though you want us to indulge some weird sort of fetish about being bad at sex.

This.

It was a compliment about waiting for someone she felt sure about and she thought was special. And for some people virginity is special so I don't think it's fair for anyone to belittle their views because they don't match yours on virginity.

There’s no weird imbalance. She wanted to be chaste, she chose it for herself. Good on her to have stuck by her own values. Her values are not changed by his prior behaviour. She clearly was not projecting her own values onto him or anyone else, but lots
of people on this thread are doing just that to her.

Completely agree with your comment OP. She did waste her youth. Amazing sex is an incredible thing to experience, as is the intimacy and fun that accompany it. So she has wasted an element of her youth. And going through life only experiencing mediocre sex with one person would for many people feel like not enough. (And may lead to wanting to discover sexual freedom in later life)

Something similar would slip out of my mouth if a friend told me they were a virgin up until almost 30 with their 1 partner. I don’t think what you said is that bad, uncomfortable to hear - yes, but it is your truthful opinion and maybe in the long term it’s helpful for her to hear that. It might open up doors for your intimate relationship together further along the line. Don’t beat yourself up.

Oh we all make mistakes and say the wrong thing! In an ideal world all moments will be perfect and we’ll say the perfect thing but that doesn’t happen in general. Just talk to her and apologise

OP, 3 months is a normal waiting time for plenty of people I would've thought. Not everyone jumps into bed with someone, but granted, I am a little older than you so perhaps times have changed.

I think you put your foot in it big time and apart from apologising and making sure you think before you speak in future, ha, there's not much more you can do. Damage has been done, I hope all is forgiven soon.

Actually it is- just most don’t end up in that situation, to know that you’ve only been with each other erases a lot of bad thoughts and is more bonding even if you don’t want to acknowledge that. No OP doesn’t have a healthier view, they have different views with OP seeing sex more as a sport and his wife seeing it as a covenant

You have different values around virginity and you and neither of you are right or wrong. What I think you did wrong was to invalidate her values.

i think you need to say something like. ‘I’m sorry I was so insensitive to you- it came as a surprise and I totally respect your decision to remain a virgin until you felt the time was right, however, I have different values to you and I want you to know that I love you and want to be with you and whether you were a virgin or not doesn’t change that’.

Ultimately all anyone is looking for in a relationship is to feel loved, respected and valued. You need to work hard on making her feel those again.