I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

If that was true, she wouldn't be so upset by OP not having the same reaction, she wouldnt be looking for his validation. I think she does see it as a gift, but obviously I don't know her maybe I'm wrong, but lets not pretend that view of it being a gift, doesn't exist.

Did yo disclose how many sexual partners you'd had and how bad you were in bed? She doesn't have to share her sexual past with you. Clearly you didn't notice so it wasn't something that affected you. Losing her virginity was about her not you.

Well then, it's good she didn't tell you, or you'd have been worried and anxious.

And no. You're not owed that. No one has to tell their sexual partner how many people they've slept with.

On another occasion, long after you have apologised, you could ask her why, when it was obviously very important to her, she didn’t bring it up at the time? Maybe she didn’t want the experience to be all about her? Or maybe she didn’t have the confidence?

Maybe she didn't like being told she'd 'wasted her youth'.

She shared something deeply personal that pertain Ed to how she's always felt he was her future and he made light of it and told her she should have shgged around more. You can't see why that's upsetting for someone probably feeling quite vulnerable

I agree with this. She blindsided you. It was a bit dishonest of her not to tell you in advanced.

I think it’s totally normal for a man to have wanted his wife to have have enjoyed her youth, had fun dating experiences, the highs and lows of a full love life than been chaste and waiting for “the one”. It also creates a weird imbalance because the op had had previous partners and she knows that.

Buy also as in a pp, you have the opportunity to get better in the sack.

I don’t see what’s wrong with waiting for a special person. It’s at a lot more harmful to be lax about sex - from experience.

That’s not at all what I got from the op’s post. Where does his wife say that she wanted him to feel special? It’s to do with how she felt about intimacy, not that she was saving her virginity to present to her future husband as a special ‘gift’.

I actually think its really special you did this for me, I really admire you etc etc

Don’t say that to her, op! She did it for herself, not for you!

By the same token he should have disclosed his fear of virginity, sexual history and the fact he's shit in bed. Or is it just virginity we're expecting to be disclosed?

Yes, this is going to be deeply offensive in any context. It honestly winds me up whenever I hear it, it’s just plain rude, especially as it’s something you can never change.

I'm with you on this OP. Saying 'I prefer to wait' gives the impression that she had sexual partners before and this is her chosen dating pattern. That's not the same as 'this will be my first time'. I'd feel misled in that scenario, and I don't feel it's fair to present this info now, years down the line and married, as a unilaterally good thing that she did. Or to expect you not to be shocked.

Your comment for me was ill thought out because actually, many of us, myself included had the opposite experience of what you believe to be true - we wasted our youth having shit sex with shit men.

Just explain that having reflected, you understand it was a silly comment and also comes from your own insecurities.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve been together long enough to have a solid marriage so both of you need to work on communication.

Exactly this. Excellent advice.

I mean this woman must have known that there are going to be a whole range of opinions on her choice. You don't owe it to anyone to share the same opinion and it wasn't realistic of her to assume that you did.

It was a crap thing to say, and very judgmental. Some people prefer not to have casual sex and only want that kind of intimacy in the context of a serious relationship.
It doesn’t mean she wasted her youth - there are many ways to have a good time and enjoy life that don’t involve sex.

Perhaps she just didn't expect him to be so rude. It doesn't matter if it was sex or saying I love you or visiting Blackpool tower. She wanted to wait until it felt right, he was that right, she told him and he told her she'd wasted her life! No one wastes their youth by not fujing everyone available. Given he's such a lothario you'd think he'd be better in bed too so there clearly wasn't much long term benefit for him either

You didn’t say anything wrong OP, and she’s overreacted. I’d have had a similar reaction if I’d been in your situation. And you’re right, in my opinion. My personal view is that it’s better to have had sexual relationships before settling down with, what you hope, is the final sexual relationship of your life. If you’ve slept with other people before getting married, there’s less risk of feeling that you may have missed out once you hit middle age.

But OP you made a mistake posting on MN. In future, if you want an opinion, pretend you’re a woman and you’ll get far more positive responses .

I agree, he could have been less blunt. Not judging OP, I sometimes have those unfiltered moments too.

While I wasn't there it did sound like a validation seeking conversation and I think that's always risky.

Final thoughts on this; overall op, be happy! There’s no need for you to feel pressured by this news. It’s a huge compliment to you that out of her entire dating pool, you were the one she wanted. Enjoy it! A thoughtful, discerning woman chose you and is attracted to you! This is a good thing!

There are going to be lots of tests and misunderstandings - and yes responsibilities - in your relationship to come and you need to try and step up to them with an open and positive attitude if at all possible.

Communicate though and be honest. If you really love your wife and feel this is a big responsibility then explain that to her, say you love her so much that you feel a bit daunted because you want to get it right for her. Choose your words carefully though because you should be wanting to do that anyway!

I agree that the idea if a 'gift' exists but didn't get the impression that this woman was taking that angle. More that she hadn't felt safe enough to have sex with anyone in her life so far, and OP was 'the one'.

I wondered what you were going to post after the first part!
Although, if OP wants to get better at sex, getting on his knees could be a good start.

It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

There's a very simple solution to this: learn to be better in bed.

Hm...good point. I'm sure OP doesn't hope to be scolded by a bunch of women for his subpar sexual performance.

ETA: /s