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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

227 replies

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:22

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

OP posts:
gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

janietreemore · 02/03/2026 08:39

You pretty much told her that you prefer thinking of her having sex with other men to knowing that you were the special man she wanted to be with in that way. It was an idiotic comment and you have a lot of making up to do.

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

OP posts:
DarkForces · 02/03/2026 08:48

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:45

I appreciate her, I have just never cared about virginity

But she did care and you were mean and dismissive. Her virginity was special to her and she needed you to hold the moment with her.

Triskels · 02/03/2026 08:50

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

So get better at sex? Tune in to what she likes? Ask her? See this as a wake up call?

DarkForces · 02/03/2026 08:50

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

Then get better at it. Ffs man. You have power over your mouth and body. Use your words with more care and get better at sex if that's really what you think. Listening to her would be a good start.

Naunet · 02/03/2026 08:50

To be honest, I'm with you in terms of thought process OP, but shes clearly one of these women who sees it as some weird deep and meaningful 'gift' shes giving a man, and expected you to see it in the same way as her (all pretty misogynistic and creepy in my opinion). I think you should apologise for upsetting her, and she needs to get over herself.

ForFunGoose · 02/03/2026 08:50

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

Get better at sex!
Do some research on how to be a generous lover. You have the same equipment as every other man, please learn to use it.

Mummybud · 02/03/2026 08:51

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:45

I appreciate her, I have just never cared about virginity

I think you’ve got this the wrong way round. Her virginity wasn’t meant as a gift to you so it doesn’t matter whether you cared about it or wanted it. She made a meaningful decision at a time that felt appropriate to her - you should be respectful of that. She’s not telling you so you can thank her ffs.

janietreemore · 02/03/2026 08:52

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

It's not all about you. She told you something lovely and you rubbished it.

You can learn together to have more enjoyable sex if that's what you both want. Have you asked her what she likes and needs?

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:53

Distantscreamsfortoast · 02/03/2026 08:46

If this is for real, as I don’t quite understand why this hasn’t come up before in your relationship, and how you get to the point of marrying someone without discussing this sort of stuff beforehand, then go and buy her the most enormous, gorgeous, romantic bunch of flowers you can possibly afford and make sure she has a simple vase to put them in. And tell her you are sorry and that you were a complete whazzock. That should do it! 😬

Then book a restaurant and take her out to dinner and tell her that you have been thinking about what she said and although you didn’t react well initially, on reflection, you feel really flattered to be her first and hopefully only.

Does she come from a religious background at all? Once you have been forgiven you could try and explain much later, not on the same night, that you didn’t mean anything disparaging by it, rather the reverse, just that you are coming from a completely different perspective and as a feminist and someone who respects women, you believe in equal opportunities in the bedroom for both sexes.

How’s that?

Great advice

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 02/03/2026 08:54

Marriage is about communication (and that includes in the bedroom btw!)

Explain that it threw you and you didn't think but also you have your own insecurities in the bedroom and don't want her disappointed in your marriage.

Then learn to communicate in the bedroom, ask her what she likes, experiment and get some toys. Find out what floats her boat. It is possible to improve in that area by simply listening.

OtterlyAstounding · 02/03/2026 08:55

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:48

I do have a lot of making up to do.

I did hope she had sex with other men before meeting me because I don't believe I am very good at sex. It saddens me to think of her living out her life never experiencing amazing sex

This is ridiculous nonsense Hmm

But if you're really 'not good' at sex and have no plans to improve, you can probably thank your lucky stars she wasn't experienced as if she did have experiences to compare you with, she wouldn't have settled for someone who's bad at sex.

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:55

ForFunGoose · 02/03/2026 08:47

I agree it was insensitive but she blindsided you with the information. When this happened you were shocked and had a bit of verbal diarrhoea.

Had you any idea she was this traditional and her values were this different to yours?
I would be annoyed that I had not been told at the time or before marriage.

All you can do is apologise for upsetting her but I don’t think you need to be too hard on yourself.

Thank you!
I agree I screwed up with my response, but I honestly do feel she did the wrong thing by not telling me this at the time we first did it together. She kind of took away choice from me.

OP posts:
Scotflyer · 02/03/2026 08:56

Suggest that you get on your knees and apologise and right her note on a bunch of red roses

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:56

Naunet · 02/03/2026 08:50

To be honest, I'm with you in terms of thought process OP, but shes clearly one of these women who sees it as some weird deep and meaningful 'gift' shes giving a man, and expected you to see it in the same way as her (all pretty misogynistic and creepy in my opinion). I think you should apologise for upsetting her, and she needs to get over herself.

Agreed. I have always thought it was disturbing and weird when men fetishize virginity

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2026 08:56

Stop saying you’re crap at sex and get better.

janietreemore · 02/03/2026 08:56

Naunet · 02/03/2026 08:50

To be honest, I'm with you in terms of thought process OP, but shes clearly one of these women who sees it as some weird deep and meaningful 'gift' shes giving a man, and expected you to see it in the same way as her (all pretty misogynistic and creepy in my opinion). I think you should apologise for upsetting her, and she needs to get over herself.

Not a 'gift' to the man but wanting sex to be part of her life with the one man she chose to marry. Not many people think like this in our culture now, but it was a common view a few decades ago.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/03/2026 08:56

It's a bit awkward when this virginity stuff is really important to one partner and means nothing to the other. I find fetishizing it quite icky myself.

If it's not a big deal for you then I don't see why you should have to pretend it is but it's worth apologising if what you said came out badly to her.

OtterlyAstounding · 02/03/2026 08:57

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:55

Thank you!
I agree I screwed up with my response, but I honestly do feel she did the wrong thing by not telling me this at the time we first did it together. She kind of took away choice from me.

I'm sorry, what? How did she take a choice away from you? Would you have refused to have sex with her if you knew she was a virgin? She didn't owe you the knowledge that she was a virgin, or that she'd been saving having sex for when she felt the time and person was right.

This is bizarre.

janietreemore · 02/03/2026 08:57

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:55

Thank you!
I agree I screwed up with my response, but I honestly do feel she did the wrong thing by not telling me this at the time we first did it together. She kind of took away choice from me.

Eh???? What choice?

DarkForces · 02/03/2026 08:58

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:55

Thank you!
I agree I screwed up with my response, but I honestly do feel she did the wrong thing by not telling me this at the time we first did it together. She kind of took away choice from me.

Bloody hell. It's all about you isn't it? Do you actually like and love her? You seem to be very good about making her feelings all about you

Distantscreamsfortoast · 02/03/2026 08:58

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:53

Great advice

Thinking about this some more, it would help too if you could ask her more about her reasoning behind all of this and make it in to a positive stepping stone because you can’t really get better at sex if you can’t communicate clearly and openly about it. And listen to her in bed as well.

Triskels · 02/03/2026 08:58

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:55

Thank you!
I agree I screwed up with my response, but I honestly do feel she did the wrong thing by not telling me this at the time we first did it together. She kind of took away choice from me.

How did she take away your choice? Are you saying you wouldn’t have slept with her after three months of a relationship if you’d known she was a virgin?

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:59

OtterlyAstounding · 02/03/2026 08:57

I'm sorry, what? How did she take a choice away from you? Would you have refused to have sex with her if you knew she was a virgin? She didn't owe you the knowledge that she was a virgin, or that she'd been saving having sex for when she felt the time and person was right.

This is bizarre.

"Would you have refused to have sex with her if you knew she was a virgin?"

Possibly. I would have taken a moment to pause and reflect at least. I never wanted to be anybody's first time. The idea always caused me tremendous anxiety and worry.

It's the kind of thing someone should tell a sexual partner before having sex with them for the first time. At least, that's what I always thought

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2026 08:59

Rattlingbiscuittin · 02/03/2026 08:40

He did. But I actually think OP is the one with a healthier view about sex.

While it’s a good thing to wait for the right person to have sex with, it sounds like she treated it as a massive compliment to her husband. She wanted him to feel special- but virginity isn’t some amazing gift you give your partner.

No, but trust can be. That's what she gave him. Trust in him to not hurt her or use her. She didn't make a big deal out of it, but told him now to let him know asked always believed in them. And he basically told her she was stupid for waiting and should have slept around. It's just a complete lack of respect for her feelings

OtterlyAstounding · 02/03/2026 09:00

gotew82674 · 02/03/2026 08:56

Agreed. I have always thought it was disturbing and weird when men fetishize virginity

But you're fetishising it too, in a way, by making a huge deal out of it. If you don't care about virginity...then why do you care about her virginity?

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