Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Thank you for commenting both times , I really appreciate the support ❤️ I do feel I am starting to accept that things are not quite right in the balance of things and other things are coming into the forefront of my mind.

like the times when the babies were small. I’ve also been thinking about when he used to drink he would always come home and expect it. Sometimes I would hide in the bathroom and hope he fell asleep first! Luckily he doesn’t drink anymore .

im not sure I’ve ever been in a respectful sexual relationship which is sad. Before I met him I had only had ONS in my late teens , many of which were when extremely drunk hence how one ended in me being violently attacked for reasons I never found out.

it is hard to accept that life is turning out this way when I thought I was so so happy. Thank you for all the lovely comments. I know this thread is very long now and I wouldn’t blame people for giving up !

@ByPinkPoet no one is going to give up listening and trying to support you. I just hope he leaves you alone when it’s bedtime.

Thank you. I have a feeling he’s not going to like taking no for an answer as he’s already gearing up a bit I can tell

Does that tell you everything about how much he carea about your feelings, wellness and boundaries?

Yes it does :(
i don’t know what to do

I said no again and he’s gone in the other room

It’s ridiculous that he just can’t leave you alone. After you told him yesterday it would be some time before sex, he said ok yet pestered you this morning and this evening . I think sex is the way he asserts control over you op, he knew exactly what he was doing when he had sex against your will with you were pregnant. He was showing you that he thinks he can do what he wants.
I want you to know that if you feel threatened by him that you need to call the police. Being your husband doesn’t mean he has a right to sex or to sexually abuse you. Please don’t be scared to call you, I promise they will take it very seriously. Sending you a hand hold x

Bloody hell. He’s an animal. He’s trying to demonstrate his ownership. Prove to himself- and to you- that he’s still securely in possession.

I think this could get dangerous for you, sweetheart. Is there somewhere you could go in a hurry, if you felt you needed to?

As @DoesthislookgoodOnMe is right. Keep your phone to hand and be ready to call 999. Is there a spare room he/you can sleep in?

I’m going to stay up late and try and avoid that way. Yes I have my phone , thank you.

No where to go really, not with all the kids . They are all sleeping

I’m thinking of you, and I’m so angry that you are in this position in your own home.

Ive been following from the start and am worried for you. I have a friend who went through the same, and she did get out. You are lucky, your kids are little and they wont have had too much of a chance to be affected by his behaviour. Hers were all girls and much older. It was her middle daughter nearly killing herself that finally got her away, when she reached for help with that, the history with him all came out. He was one of the most controlling and sexually abusive men Ive ever heard about, but she had normalised it. His control caused the problems with all three girls.

I’m concerned about you so please take on board that you can call the police in situations like this. It’s not an issue between husband and wife when the husband is breaking the law.

Is he home all day and night? Because I think you would benefit from calling Women’s Aid on Monday. If you know what help is out there it will less daunting. It’s very clear he can escalate very quickly if he doesn’t get his own way. And that is a very dangerous sign.

Hope you are safe tonight x

Thank you everyone for your concern, I am alright . He tried it on and when I said no he was annoyed , but nothing more. I have tried to explain why I need time without sex to think about things but his attitude is ‘I just want to make it up to you’ - with sex basically.

He’s woke me up really early whining that he fancies me so much and can’t keep his hands off me - but he hasn’t actually taken it further.

I don’t think he will ever accept that what happened is actually a big deal to me and is impacting on me so much

I can’t believe he woke you up to tell you that he really fancies you, that thinking it will change your mind. Well done for saying no and sticking to it. When you are married it’s more than just fancying your partner though that’s part of it. It’s more for him that he wants his “power” over you.

i am glad he will come to realise that no means no.

It doesn’t mean ok then, because you fancy me: and i am very glad he didn’t just go ahead with it regardless, he will learn you have a boundary.

No doubt he will try it on again in the morning. So you’ve had to go to bed later to avoid him trying it on, only for him to interrupt your sleep again with the same thing. It’s like he wants to grind you down. it’s just disrespectful. He couldn’t even give you 24 hours without pestering you for sex. Thanks for the update, your sleep is prob so messed up now as you are likely to be in a hyper vigilant state now.

God he’s an arse. You aren’t there to service his hard on. Obviously he’s not learned a thing and doesn’t think you should need the choice.

Have you got another bed you could sleep in? This is absolutely ridiculous that he’s pestered you so many times within 24 hours of you saying you don’t want sex and discussing the time he raped you! This is not a good man who’s putting you first at all!

@ByPinkPoetI’ve been following your threads and growing increasingly concerned. I think what we are seeing is possibly an escalation - both in the fact he’s trying to excuse his behaviour (sex addiction), and that he is trying it on with you despite you making it clear you a) don’t like it when he wakes you up
coming on to you and b) you’ve requested some space after the discussion about him sexually assaulting you (we all know it’s rape, but you’re not ready to use the word). I’m worried that he is not going to take you holding this boundary well - let’s face it, he’s shown you what he’s thought about that many times before. As more time goes on, the more risk there is. The fact you are hiding in a bathroom until he falls asleep is heartbreaking. I think the time is now here to start thinking about arrangements to keep yourself safe, I think the mask is slipping.

I strongly agree with this. Really worried about OP.

Please keep talking to us if you feel able to OP, I think this thread could be invaluable to your wellbeing.

I also wanted to say that I know you said you don’t believe your children are in danger but please consider that I bet before he raped you while you sobbed and were heavily pregnant, you never in a million years would have believed he would do that either.

And that when he said he was so sorry when you spoke to him the other night, you didn’t think you’d be within 24 hours hiding in a bathroom and being woken up crazy early because of his refusal to respect you saying you don’t feel like sex at the moment.

His behaviour feels like it’s escalating and from what we already know he is capable of, he is not a safe person for you to be around.

I really think it’s time to have another urgent counselling session and be absolutely honest with them. Perhaps show them all of your posts on this thread as they are a reliable timeline of the last week or so.

I’m gutted for you that you’re being treated so appallingly by a man who has trained you to believe he loves you deeply.

I agree with @hiyapalll , we are seeing a pattern of escalation and I am also really worried he will do again what he did when you were pregnant. I am also worried he will be violent with you ( I know he hasn’t before but then you have never said no before). I can see a really angry and controlling man under this persons that’s coming out.

You only need to read the news recently to hear of how persistent domestic abuse and sexual abuse has ended for these poor women, I don’t want it to see you on the news @ByPinkPoet and wonder if it was you and worry we could not save you and your children.

Please tell me - are you alone at all at home tomorrow so you can call women’s aid?

Today please get a bag ready with following if you can - An overnight bag with clothing and toiletries for you and the dc in case you need to leave quickly, also put your passports and marriage certificates in there. This is the advice I’ve hear so many times on MN and also my solicitor gave me this advice too.

https://refuge.org.uk

the number on this link is for The National Domestic Abuse helpline. I think you will get a quicker response than women’s aid.

I want to make it very clear without scaring you that this is no longer an issue for your therapist. This is an issue for the police to make you safe. If you cannot find it in yourself to call them, call this helpline and leave today with the dc to a women’s refuge. Safety is paramount now and over rides PTSD. Action for safety over rides anything else right now.

yes Im concerned that he doesnt seem to be able to take no for an answer, and is so emotionally shallow in regards sex in thinking that a. It will make things OK, and that b. by telling you he fancies you, it should be enough to excite you into bed. This is teenage stuff, not the signs of someone who has any kind of connection with sex and intimacy, or thinking beyond his own wants (and remember that sex is a want, not a need, however much the social climate likes to frame it as such)

That he is so obviously ignoring what you said is worrying.

@ByPinkPoetI also wanted to point out that this realisation that is unfolding is incredibly difficult, and it’s a lot easier for people not in your situation to identify patterns. You’re enmeshed in this, and there has been a lot of conditioning from his part to normalise this. It’s clear that you want more than anything to “unsee” this, but you are being so brave engaging with this group and listening to your gut which is telling you that this isn’t right.

I know this is terrifying and you feel alone, but you really aren’t, we’re all behind you. You’re so much stronger than you think.

@ByPinkPoet the issue isn’t just what he did it is what he is doing.

You poured out your soul to him about how it made you feel, you gave him a chance when so many of us told you not to because you love him and that chance involved giving you space

and he hasn’t he is just pestering you - yes he might have an issue with sex addiction but that isn’t on you to solve it isn’t your problem it is his. if he wants to get therapy to solve it let him but he has told you whar he thinks

OP I’ve read both of your threads.
Your husband raped you and you have clearly never been in a sexually respectful relationship.
The rape, the trying to continue sex while the baby cries.
Hiding in the bathroom after he’s been out trying to avoid the pressure of sex.
Stomping around when you refuse.
It’s all abuse.

I am so glad you are in therapy.

He is completely unaware or doesn’t believe that he really raped you.

Within a day he has completely disrespected your boundary of no sex right now.

He doesn’t care. He’s being manipulative by trying to say I just want to love you/show you love/look how much I fancy you. He. Just. Wants. Sex PERIOD.

Please continue therapy and seriously reevaluate your relationship.

This is no respectful relationship and no way to live.

From a psychotherapist.