Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

This isn’t okay. I think what’s happened is that your desire to please him means you rarely say what you want or don’t want perhaps you don’t really know).

If you had a remote control that could magically control your husband and he was perfectly happy would you be having sex? What other changes would you make?
It’s just a thought experiment but I suspect you are so used to bending yourself into a shape that suits him you have lost touch with what your needs and wants are. Try to discover your own power and wants again.

@ByPinkPoet , you don't ever have to have sex with him again. You can end the relationship.

I think it is going to be very hard for you to stay with him.

We can rationalise these things by thinking that regular unwanted sex is a small price to pay to keep the otherwise (seemingly)stable home life, but your body will react against this plan. It becomes harder, not easier.

I had a very similar situation and it was something I wasn't able to get past, it grew and grew and I had to end the relationship.

As much as we want to keep the family together, when trust and personal safety is so compromised by the person we have to sleep next to, it is unsalvagable.

It is not your fault and it was not your choice or decision. Whatever confusion, blame, pleading comes your way from him, it was his decision to compromise your safety in your own home.

@ByPinkPoet thank you, am on the mend for now and thankfully my ex did that only a couple of times but I do feel for you as you’re sounds considerably worse and it’s still ongoing.

I think it would be really good for you to get some space from your husband, Can you meet a friend with the children for a play date or arrange
to sleep over at a relatives with the children. I think you need a break and considerable distance from him as seeing him must be quite triggering. / feeling pressure.

This is helpful because this is how I feel /have felt a lot of the time. Thanks for sharing

i mean absolutely no rudeness to people who have been brave enough to break away but I just don’t feel I could put my kids through it for this , it’s not a ‘good enough’ reason in my eyes. That is so messed up but it’s true.

I’m out for the day with a friend - not really close enough to discuss it though . But yes I’m out

thank you

I’m horrified reading that, it’s really not ok, but that aside what did being frustrated with you look like? Surely the frustration was caused by baby crying and interrupting so why/how was that directed at you? All of this just continues to build the picture that he sees you as a literal sex object there to serve his needs.

I hope you have a good day out and a break from thinking about all this if possible.

It looked like trying to carry on for a bit while the baby cried , then giving up as the mood was ruined (obviously) and then a loud ‘for fucks sake’ , stomping off and then once the baby settled going again. It’s like once he’s started he can’t stop , he’s always been like that.

there are a few things I’m thinking about now a bit more in a new light

he often says to me ‘you’d complain if I didn’t fancy you, at least you know how much I love you, I never need anyone else just you’ etc etc

what a mess

considering we had the conversation about no more intimacy literally yesterday

he seemed to be trying it on this morning. I said no and got up early. He said what do you mean I’m just cuddling you !

he’s messaged me now to say he thinks there’s something wrong with him and maybe he has a sex addition because he can’t stop thinking about it . And maybe he needs to get help about it. Is this a thing?!

wtf what do I do

I said no and got up early. He said what do you mean I’m just cuddling you!

No wonder you don't trust your own judgement OP if this is what you've been dealing with for years.

You don't have to do anything now. Keep going to therapy. Keep speaking for yourself. He is a rapist and has no respect for you at all, as demonstrated by his actions this morning. Sex addiction - so that's his latest excuse? Please don't indulge him. He will try anything except actually admitting that he has repeatedly raped you. Don't rescue him. Let the dice fall. You don't have to fix him. Let him flounder.

He sounds awful and 6 weeks post birth is nothing, most men are happy to wait until you’re 100% ready and initiate it yourself, we went about 6 months both times I think!

It sounds really exhausting being with someone who is constantly obsessed with sex and just seeing you as a sex object.

So you’re out having time with a friend and he’s messaging you telling you he thinks he has a sex addiction? Invading your free time. My friend’s husband does this. She comes away for a night (rarely) like once a year, and spends the evening texting him. Pictures of the food we’re eating or where we are. It makes me feel so uncomfortable because it feels so invasive and controlling.

I haven't read everything 😕 however in a discussion with RC they assured me r**e is not about sex, it's about power. It's taken a while for me to get my head around but to me looking at your situation it makes it appear more serious in as much as could lead to more abuse.
Always try to remember none of this is your fault, and going forward whatever you decide to do the result is because of something that happened TO you.
RC is your friend ring them as many times as you need to, you are not alone.💕

Yes he probably thinks I’m talking about it but I’m not

he was always very good at looking after me post partum but not really in that way

Feels like an excuse :(
I feel so alone with all this

he doesn’t get it at all . I think he genuinely just doesn’t get it

It's probably hard for YOU to "get it" as well, OP, since there is a kind of running joke in our society that blokes want more sex than their wives do, and you get to hear lots of throwaway comments about this.

But there's a difference between being "more up for it" and grabbing it where you can, regardless of your partner's feelings (or even when they are unconscious).

I don’t say this to make you feel bad at all OP, because that’s not my intention.

But I feel I must say it to help you understand how seriously sexually abusive your husband is.

I’m a couple of years post partum now and your description of his behaviour when having sex and your baby’s crying interrupting it made me burst into tears. And I’m not a crier.

It’s so far beyond the realm of how a decent, well adjusted, kind and loving man would behave that it made me cry and I don’t even know you.

I really hope your therapist is a brilliant woman who can help you get free of this man who has been controlling you in many ways for many years under the guise of steering the ship.

He gets it. He's just scrolling through the options...it didn't happen...I'm sorry I fancy you so much....oh maybe I'm a sex addict, etc etc.

I'm sorry you feel so alone @ByPinkPoet . It's very lonely in a relationship when you can't trust your partner. There are a lot of people on this thread (me included) who want to support you. I would encourage you to think about whether there's someone in your friends or family you could talk to in real life. It's too much to hold by yourself and therapy isn't enough on its own 💐

I agree. The loneliness is crippingly and adds to the feeling of going mad. You mentioned there was a friend you might approach - that may be easier than a family member who will know him well. I found it easiest to speak to a workmate about my situation, rather than friends who thought he was a great guy.

I think you need to stay still for a bit. Do the therapy. Keep your distance from him, just as you are. Let him think through the situation for a while as well. Unfortunately some men are able to distance themselves from their own appalling behaviour by minimising it. She’s my wife. She didn’t really mind. She liked it last time. I was really desperate. She’s my wife so it’s ok. She’s my wife so she should.

Now those rationalisations aren’t working, he’s running through some other ways of describing it. Maybe I’m a sex addict and I couldn’t help it. He’s considering a little bit more responsibility, but not much.

What ever words or rationalisations he uses, he was happy to have sex with you when he knew you didn’t want it, indeed were crying. He does not care whether you want sex or not, as long as he has sex.

What’s happening now, is him trying to regain control of the situation. Trying to describe it in a way that means … he still gets sex. He still gets a housekeeper and mum to his DC. He doesn’t want to lose his service human.

At some point, he should have been thinking, ’shit, what have I done? How can I put this right? How can I help her feel safe again? What can I do to make up for it and show her I am trustworthy? How is she feeling now, what does she need me to do?’. That should be running constantly in his head, informing every thing he does.

Their why isn't complicated. Some say it's about power but also, rapists feel entitled to sex, to women's bodies, to use us. It's awful

Hi OP, I commented on your previous thread and have just read your updates. I truly dont want to make you feel worse, but reading your posts is making me absolutely furious on your behalf. Your husbands behaviour is genuinely disgusting and disgraceful. Your description of his reaction to your newborn baby crying during sex is awful. For context my husband waited until I was completely ready and I initiated sex with him postpartum everytime. After my first baby we didnt have sex for about 6 months and he never ever expressed any dissatisfaction whatsoever, he was far more interested in supporting my recovery and looking after our baby. You say he is not abusive to you but he raped you. That is as bad as extreme physical violence. Now he is trying to excuse his behaviour and flip the narrative to make himself the victim. Now he is the victim of a sex addition, and presumably in need of sympathy and support from YOU!? He is your rapist and he is trying to make you feel sorry for him. Its just beyond. I really am sorry if im being harsh but he is going to continue minimising this and you need people here to tell you the truth. Definitely keep sex off the table no matter how moody he becomes, he is just trying to manipulate you. Im also glad to hear your first therapy session went well, you've been so brave and strong to get this far x

Thank you for your kind message. Although it is upsetting to read (I hate upsettting anyone!) it is good for me to hear it from others. I can’t thank everyone enough for the support I’ve received on here and helping me to realise that some of his behaviour isn’t ok.

I remember that type of behaviour with the baby happened several times and it was always very jarring for me because he got cross but I felt like well we have to finish. It’s like once he gets it in his head he can’t not follow through, as it were.

I have always felt a huge responsibility for how the babies/kids are sleeping and getting them ‘settled’ so we can have ‘our time’

Yes I do feel like I’m going a bit mad.
I had a nice day with my friend but my brain was running overtime

I could speak to my best friend but she lives in Europe and so it would be a phone call which is hard to get alone as he’s always there

You’re exactly right . Pretty much all those excuses you mention in the first paragraph are things he’s actually said to me over the years!

along with it’s not my fault I fancy you so much , it’s normal for husband to want to have sex with his wife you act like there is something wrong with me etc etc

i didn’t reply to the message but he said tonight maybe he needs therapy. Would that help him ?