Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Every update gets worse and worse. I think you need to contact Women's Aid or similar. And definitely talk about this to your therapist too.

He's probably using "sex addiction" as an excuse - in his eyes he thinks it means he can't help it (and can therefore just carry on). But he's a boundary trampling entitled rapist with a really suspect attitude towards women. The whole "ooh you're so sexy I can't help myself" pestering is really, really gross but it does take some women a lot of time to see this. Attempting to make up for raping you and pestering you in the past by pestering you some more in the present is all kinds of wrong. He could make it upto you by respecting your boundary and leaving you in peace.

I think you also said earlier that you couldn't have a private phone call with a friend because he hangs around, this is a massive red flag too.

He's really done a number on you because it seemed earlier in the thread as though you had lost sight of who you were and what you needed and just thought about his needs. But I sense your anger is appearing now, good, it might help you put yourself first, as will therapy hopefully.

I wish you strength as I am sure we all do.

I’m actually a bit concerned we haven’t heard from the op yet. Hopefully she’s just busy with the dc x

I agree with PP that every update it becomes more and more obvious he’s an abusive arse hole who uses sex to exert control over you.

The fact you poured your heart out to him about how you felt when he raped you and his answer is to pester you for more sex is grotesque. He’s a repulsive sexual abuser who violates you repeatedly with absolutely no respect of you as anything more than a vagina on demand.

I know it’s hard OP but I really hope your eyes are starting to open up to how disgusting this creature is.

Me too.

OP I want you to know we are here no matter what happens and what you decide.

As PP suggested, keep a go bag somewhere safe, preferably out of the house.

You don't have to hate him OP.

I think you just have to ask yourself if you want to give him an opportunity to do this again to you, which personally, I think he will, sooner or later and once the dust has settled.

Ask yourself - how low are you willing to go? Where is the actual bar here? He's gone way beyond that point already, so what will be the next low point? Do you want to risk going there and risk further traumatising yourself?

Sorry it’s taken me ages to reply - I know a few people have been worried! I’ve been at home most the day with the dc and him so it’s beeen hard to get on. Have to be a bit careful

thank you truly for all the caring and lovely supportive messages- it really means a lot!

I will take advice and be aware that be may be escalating. It’s hard for me to see it but I’ll keep it in the back of my mind. Someone asked if I’ll have time on my own soon and yes I will Monday so I can give WA a call.

I am a bit apprehensive about this evening. In the past I would usually ‘give in’ with this level of pestering . It’s been happening most of the day .

Make sure you pack that jump bag. Pestering all day is coercive. This is coercive control.

He has been ‘pestering’ all day while you’ve been with him and the kids?

Precisely @MrsTerryPratchett you took the words out of my mouth. This man is bizarre.

Yes just to add as I know you’ve been coming to terms with this all not being normal man behaviour @ByPinkPoet I don’t think it’s at all normal to be like this at home with all the children on a family weekend day. It is also going to be something your children become aware of as they get older too. Not saying to make you take on any guilt, but because I think you are going to be more convinced about matters affecting your children’s wellbeing than your own.

And sexualised behaviour in front of children is sexual abuse of them, as well as you.

Can you just tell him something along the lines of

"Just stop it, I've told you only yesterday that sexual activity is out of the question. I don't expect you to harass me like this so just stop it, it's not welcome"

I'm actually wondering now if, as well as being highly manipulative, the 'sex addict' nonsense is basically a threat that if you don't allow him to have sex with you when you don't want to, he will do it anyway. I would tell him that you have told your therapist that sex is completely of the table now until you decide otherwise, and that any attempt at coercion will be reported to the police. Please be vigilant and if you are afraid, call 999. I agree he's high risk and escalating. Please call women's aid ASAP.

I worked for years in addiction recovery. Morality doesn’t disappear. I knew addicts who hurt themselves feeding their addictions and those who hurt others feeding their addictions.

Addiction isn’t the issue here. Being a rapist is.

Yes if he wants it in the evening he will be sort of leading up to it during the day like hugs that are a bit gropy, telling me how sexy I am all day etc

I truly assumed this is all normal behaviour until now :(

If it's not welcome or reciprocated, it's only normal behaviour for a sexual predator. You'll get through this OP. You may have no idea how to at the moment, but you will get through it x

It's really not, OP, sorry.

Your situation definitely sounds worse the more you post, especially as you seem so perfectly unaware of how awful it all is.

I do struggle to be assertive like this but yes I did say ‘no I’m not ready’

His response is ‘well it didn’t stop you the other day’

this type of attitude has always been an issue for us. Like he can’t understand how one day might be different from another for a woman. If we have really good sex one day he kind of expects it repeated every time. Do you think that’s a porn thing? He used to watch it a lot and his excuse was to try and take some pressure off me .

I am going to chat to my friend tomorrow . I don’t know what to say but I will try x

Your posts are heartbreaking 😔 but you're strong and you WILL get out of this situation and your life will be so much better x

I’m jumping in very late into this thread because I just couldn’t not respond to you. First of all know none of this is your fault an help is out there. Second of all, as women we are not told enough how important it is to listen to your intuition. Your intuition in this case that something was not right and caused you to reach out for advice anonymously online was the right one because deep down you needed to hear it from other women. That is very brave, you are already stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I would contact women’s aid and get their advice. If at any point you feel in physical danger, reach out to a close friend or family of yours that you trust, take your children and stay with them for protection until you can get authorities involved. Coercion is a form of sexual abuse and probably the most common in relationships or marriages. It is not ok and should never ever happen. There’s a difference between a partner making advances and backing down if not reciprocated and someone pestering, putting pressure on hope you will just give in. That is abuse there is no two ways about it. Now no one else but you can make the decision on what to do next but please know that once abuse is established in a relationship in any form, it rarely gets better for long even with couples therapy etc.. trust is irrevocably broken after this and so it should be. This is not an easy road and easy decisions laying ahead, but you are strong and you and your children are the priority here. Surround yourself with charities, reach out to trusted friends and family, make sure you have some money stashed away in an account he has no control over. You will get through this

I wonder what proportion of your life is taken up with his sexual urges. You go to bed late, he wakes you up early, he starts when you’re asleep, he rapes you when you’re pregnant, he spends all day with you and the kids groping and harassing. Even just after you’ve had babies, the second it’s medically OK, it’s all about him. Which means BTW he will listen to doctors advice but not your wants and needs.

Is 100% of your life lived with him centring his wants?

Thank you for your reply x
I do feel like the trust is broken but I feel paralysed to talk to anyone about it in real life. Apart from the therapist . I will try

the money thing is tricky as there is literally no spare in the account that I see.

The issue with the groping all day to signal wanting sex later is that he is being in no way interactive- I know that’s the wrong word, let me explain.

Baby and mum attune to each other. They have a two way communication going on, your baby learns to self regulate with your help because you are sensitive to the baby’s needs and communication. He squirms and starts to cry, you pick him up and soothe him. It’s responsive.

Flirting is the same. Little glances, smiles, eye contact, the occasional touch. When someone is on the same page, they respond. When they aren’t, you stop. It’s an invitation, and you wait for a response. You don’t just keep repeating the invitation louder and louder.

He’s nagging, not flirting. He isn’t adjusting his behaviour according to how you respond. You are an object in this process, not a partner.

That’s completely normal and understandable, it’s not an easy thing to open up about even to trusted loved ones. Even if you don’t feel ready now, do you have anyone that comes to mind that you truly trust and feel would be a worthwhile ally in getting through this? If not, maybe online or in person support groups can be a great way to meet women who have gone through something similar and can offer you advice whilst truly understanding what you’re going through.

If not, feel free to send me a private message. My marriage isn’t abusive but I have gone through through trauma and incest as a child so I’m no stranger to abuse, finding help and healing. And I have a young baby too so no stranger to the challenges of postpartum.

Regarding the money aspect, I imagine it’s not an easy situation. Do you have anything of value that you can potentially look to sell that your husband might not notice about at least straight away? Jewellery or other? That alone sometimes can be a tiny little emergency cushion to stash away. Or again close friends and family who could help a little on that front once you feel ready to open up to them about it. Do have have an account in your name only? If not I would open one even if you don’t have much to put on there at all at the moment. Do you receive any maternity pay that can be diverted into your own account rather than joint account? Charities can sometimes advise women in abusive relationships on financial matters like this.

I have been thinking about this a lot. A few weeks ago I would have said no we are a team but I am starting to realise that I spend quite a lot of time and energy keeping him happy.

sex is one part of it. Also he is easily annoyed by kids noise, mess, things not working out according to plan and I think I compensate for this.

I find it very hard to say no to him