Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Was he drunk when he raped you?

Does he still drink even if it is less overall?

Nope there was no alcohol involved

he is now completely sober - he quit drinking around the time of the therapy and things have felt a lot calmer since

Thank you - you are kind

that makes sense thank you

You feel the way you do because this isn't just a random man off the street who did this to you.

You're having to grapple with his actions and reformulate how you think of him as a human being AND he's the father of your children. That's a lot for someone to process.

You may be distressed or confused, but you're not angry, but once you are, you will stop feeling guilty.

He has put you in this position. Not you. HIM. That was his choice, not yours, and I'm afraid he cannot do something that big without expecting it to turn into a shit show, and the fact that he dared to speak of the power he thinks he has over you.

Also OP, if he's willing to abuse you like this, I think the likelyhood of him doing something very bad to your children in future is much higher than it would with a man who hasn't done this, and that's irrespective of how many bedtime stories he's read or how many laughs he's had with them do far. Let that galvanise you into action.

Thank you for replying , I do think you are right. It’s so so painful for me because he is my husband and the person I love most in the world (apart from the children) so how can I reconcile that with what has happened.

it’s not easy for me to say , right well I hate him now he’s done that. Especially since so much time has passed. I am not angry yet even though I know I should be. I don’t know how to fix that

I have told him I don’t feel like having sex again for a while. He didn’t say much but he didn’t get annoyed. Just kind of ‘ok then’ .

i don’t believe he is a risk to the children and if I did I was take action immediately. They are my priority always x

How long in your mind is "a while"

A day, a week, a month, several months, six months?

I’m not sure really . I didn’t say. A few weeks ?
until I feel a bit more normal

I think you need to tell him a time period, at least a month, and see what happens.

I'd go for 6 months, tbh, and get a load of counselling in that 6 months

Why do you say 2 weeks? Is this more for him than you? I really think it should be longer as you need to feel ok in yourself. It will be more beneficial for your therapy too. You can let him know if you are happy to still have affection but have a boundary. I really hope he respects this all, please stay strong and resolute. You made this decision today all by yourself, it’s a big step to untangle yourself from your husband x

Thank you, everyone on here has helped me so much I am so grateful xx

i am proud of myself. I said a couple weeks because I believe any more than that is too long for him. He will become frustrated and stroppy etc , in the past this has been the case. I don’t feel I could say to him ‘6 months’ there’s no way. The longest we’ve been without is 6 weeks after the babies were born!

Which means you are avoiding him coercing you into sex by not setting boundaries you need.

Can you see how abusive he is? He's trained you never to refuse and even then he's repeatedly raped you.

Oh love. I am so sorry.

I feel stupid because honestly this is all news to me, I really thought all men are like this?!

Would other peoples partners accept that sex is off the table for months and be ok with it?

I have never once questioned that this isn’t normal behaviour

And also I just can’t imagine this type of abuse being taken seriously in a marriage..?

I can just see how the conversation would go with one of my friends , he pressures me into having sex - well all men want sex regularly there’s nothing unusual about that . Maybe he got the wrong idea

it’s not that bad
don't break your family up for nothing
he’s a great guy, he helps at home, looks after you etc etc

how could I ever explain it
I couldn’t :(

sorry to brain dump on you all with my late night thoughts

This is really difficult to answer, but I'll do my best.

Would my husband be okay with taking it off the table for several months - it depends on the reason. If it was just because I didn't fancy it anymore, fancied trying out a sexless relationship, or I joined some weird cult where sex was no longer allowed, he'd be quite put out. But more than anything he'd be confused. Obviously he'd respect my wishes though, but it might impact our relationship a bit.

If it was because of mental health issues, physical health issues or similar, then in honesty I think he would find it tricky, but he's committed to our relationship so wouldn't push me.

If it was because he'd massively screwed up, violated all my boundaries to the extent I'm medicated, having counselling etc, then of course she would respect that, and do what she could to support me. That's not to say he'd find it easy, but that would be his problem, not mine. Then again, this would never arise, because thoughtful men who look out for their partners boundaries are not usually the raping kind...

They wouldn't though, they would react like we are, if you told them the whole story. We are not unusual, we are a cross section of society and we are all horrified for you.

Have you actually ever spoken to other women or is that your husband talking

but the thing is it doesn’t matter what other couples do or don’t do (and what he did is far from normal) it is all about YOU and your boundaries and the fact that sex involves 2 people and it should be about what suits them. What constitutes a sex life varies from couple to couple and quantity/quality/type is all different

what is always wrong is rape/assault/sulking/guilt tripping/having one persons needs centred more than the others

a decent man centres his needs and yours and being equal

I haven’t spoken to anyone in real life apart from him and the therapist .

I did hint at marriage issues with a friend recently and she was like don’t we all and laughed so I didn’t push it

everyones got their own problems is always how I’ve thought about it

A few thoughts have come to mind:

Firstly, have you plucked up the courage to use the rape word with him?

Secondly, I know he knows you're having counselling, but does he know that's because of your distress at him raping you?

Thirdly, does he realise that him in his initiating sex with you when you're asleep is also rape?

Did you really want to have sex 6 weeks after each of your births? Or was that because that’s when you got the all-clear at your 6-week check, and so from that point he would assume business as usual and it would just be down to you to say no rather than medical guidance (so of course you wouldn’t want to say no and make him grumpy?)

I know everyone is different and some people want sex then, but I would wager for most women that’s not the case. I was an absolute wreck physically and mentally at 6 weeks. If you are honest with yourself would you say that was about doing what you thought you should for him, rather than what you wanted?

@ByPinkPoet all men do not rape their wives ( but a handful do and it’s not ok).

I have 2 contrasting experiences in my life that I want to share with you as I hope it will help you.

1. my ex h effectively raped me. I was in the bedroom folding clothes and he decided he wanted sex. We were not on good terms. I said no then he bent me over the bed and I thought give into him for 5 mins rather than have an angry man storming around the house. I still think about it after all these years and how awful it was closing my eyes and hoping it was over quickly. It was horrible. He did what he wanted then left me there and went about his business.

2. I had surgery 2 weeks ago. I indicated to my partner I was ready and wanted to have sex in the coming weekend ( last weekend). At every step of the way he stopped and asked if I was in pain or wanted to stop. He was so careful with me that it didn’t feel enjoyable as he was stressed and I was reassuring him. But it was respectful, thoughtful and I gave my consent at least 4 times as things progressed. I felt safe and I wasn’t upset or scared. My partner has never initiated sex when I’ve been ill and will only engage in sex if I tell him I’m well and ready if I initiate it.

I don’t think your friends would say this, and if they would, they’re terrible friends. I’d be absolutely horrified if any woman told me her partner regularly pressures her into sex and I would never question someone’s reasons for wanting to leave someone, even if I believed their partner genuinely was a great guy. Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason.

and no, all men are not like this. Abusive misogynists are like this. I recently went through a period of bad mental health and told my partner I didn’t know when I’d feel like having sex. He said there was no pressure and whenever I was ready and not to think about it. That is what a loving partner does.

No - I still didn’t refer to it as rape. I find that really hard. He did say though he would never knowingly force me and he was quite upset at the thought. He did say he accepts it though because I would never make something like that up. So he didn’t gaslight me into thinking it didn’t happen.

Yes he knows the therapy is with that in mind. I said it’s making me feel really anxious and giving me sleep problems and that therapy might help, he agreed. I thought he might say no as he didn’t want me to talk about it with anyone but he didnt. Another reason I believe he is genuinely sorry … but also maybe still doesn’t realise it’s actually that bad? And affecting me so badly?

Thank you for sharing and im
really sorry that happened to you. I can see the difference and I’m so glad you now have someone lovely who respects your wishes. Hope you are feeling better

@YourOliveBalonz i don’t really remember at 6 weeks for each to be honest but probably wasn’t ready from my end. I don’t remember being too bothered by it though, probably too tired to object. What I do remember is a few times trying to have sex and him getting really frustrated/annoyed when the baby kept waking up crying . Not with the baby - just with me .