Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Is he rough during sex OP? Is that his preference?

Dare we ask what type? 😬

When your "no" is not respected, when you are fearful of him, when you are not safe from assault even asleep in your own bed, it is not surprising you can't give a genuine "yes". You can't negotiate this with him. You told him how you felt and why and asked him to back off. He didn't.

He doesn't love you, whatever he says. What kind of man wants a woman to lie still and tolerate him raping her?

This is not a simple question of mismatched sex drives. He doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. Marriage doesn't mean he has the right to rape you when he wants.

I think I know the answer to this, as it would fit with his entitled and persistent attitude. It makes me sad for you. Sex should be something you enjoy and want at the right time. That could be once a week or once a month. But on your terms, when you want it. I can only imagine how having a larger young family would impact your desire .

Yeah can be. Even if it starts off not rough it always finishes that way it’s like he’s desensitised to anything else .

@Tootiredcantsleep submissive is how I would describe it .

At 5am?

Who on earth wants that at 5am!!!

This is really heart breaking. How the f could he think you like that all the time? How could you do that to someone you are meant to love?

I sometimes enjoy a little rough sex but that’s on my request and my partner doesn’t go too far. And it’s only for a few mins not the whole time. But it’s consensual.

Your husband sounds like he could really hurt you one day and that really scares me as he has no limits. It doesn’t sound like he would stop if he asked you to :(

It’s so hard to gauge what’s normal when you’ve been with someone forever .

when our eldest was tiny (like 4 weeks old) I woke up one night to find him in the other room watching - he insisted it was porn - but from the second I saw before he closed it it looked more like a girl on a cam like only fans type thing.

His defence to that was I don’t want to be pestering you constantly when you’ve just had a new baby so this is my outlet.

and like an idiot I accepted that

@ByPinkPoet0 my situation really worries me as I never want you to be in my shoes. I will have surgery in about 3 weeks and I will be cut in 3 places on my abdominal area. I won’t be able to have sex for months. It hasn’t come up as a conversation with my partner. It doesn’t bother him. He’s very worried that I will be in pain during my recovery and I know he wwill not ask for sex. He’s worried about my recovery from now and as I’m having the op privately he’s insisted on staying with me overnight as he knows I’m scared. If it were you in my shoes though with your husband and he forced himself on you it would be very very serious. Please think about this.

99.9% of couples are not shagging like rabbits like they did at the start of their relationship before kids and real life set in.

99.9% of men don’t think this entitles them to rape their wives

This made me laugh 😂
no it’s not always like that especially if short on time, it’s just the overall vibe.
basically his preference is whenever, wherever , as much as possible

I very much get the feeling it's not just the daily nagging at 5am, is it other times of the day as well? You seem to be under pressure at least twice a day?

I thought there must be a lot of porn involved when he’s demanding sex so regularly. It’s not usual to keep the initial sex up that happens at the start of a relationship. I just can’t imagine having the time or the energy with 4 young kids. Maybe he needs to start doing more parenting to exhaust himself out. Maybe his reliance on alcohol has moved on to a reliance on porn.

Yeah it is a bit like that.
if we do it he’ll back off for a day or two.

we have spoken about it many , many times. He says it’s just how he is

Yep I think you’re right. In the past he has even admitted to this but insists he doesn’t watch anymore.

who knows though

Oh OP i have been reading and following along with this thread but not commented until now. I just really want to share how much I feel this is not ok. Some examples from my (not perfect, but i think fairly normal) marriage. On one occasion I had been upset about something. Nothing serious and mainly hormonal. Cheered up. Later in the day we were getting romantic in the bedroom but then I got teary again. We stopped and had a cuddle. I actually tried to carry on but my DH said "erm... tears sort of kill the mood". Because they do! And because no normal man who loves you is aroused by your tears. And we laughed and had a cuddle instead. There have also been plenty of times we have gone for weeks or even a couple of months at a time without sex because one or other of us was either physically or mentally not up for it. And we both know and knew we would prioritise getting back to it once we had got through whatever we were dealing with. It is simply not medically true that he "needs" it. And if he truly loved you and heard what you were saying he would be willing to take it off the table for MONTHS. Indefinitely. My heart breaks that you will continue to be raped by him. I think it might really help if you can call it that.

That has something you both want, you both agree to, and you both discuss how and when it's going to happen. So not only does he rape you, he violently rapes you.

Thank you. I do not have anything to compare it with as we’ve been together since my early 20s. But thank you for your perspective it is helpful x

i am going to see a friend today. Just me and her and we are going for a few drinks at lunch which will help me feel more relaxed . I am wondering if I should say something. She doesn’t really know him .

@ByPinkPoet0 I hope you have a nice afternoon off with your friend. I think as she doesn’t know him you will feel more comfortable to tell her. See how you feel. X

If this is a trusted friend OP, go for it. You need people in real life on your side and they will help you see x

Be conscious OP that your friend can only react to what you tell her, so if you minimise what’s happened and say ‘sometimes he pesters me a bit for sex’ for example, she may say “oh that’s not that unusual” if she hasn’t had great experiences with men. Don’t be tempted to then take that as meaning what’s actually happening to you isn’t unusual and is something that happens a lot. If you tell her what’s actually happened (which I know would be very hard) then she can hopefully give you a more fitting response and support x

This is great advice.

These relationships fuck with your mind. Well done for getting out ❤

My marriagewas exactly the same as yours, EVERY last detail. I left 3 years ago.
The hysterical bonding and sex after talking through issues happened often too. Not only was I still having sex with him willingly (outside of the assaults) but I would also inniatate it too.
The thought of leaving my husband and breaking up my family was paralysing. I was completely in love with him and thought I wouldnt be able to live without him.
We started with a 'break' and during that break I visited a DA charity that changed everything for me. I did contact women's aid at one point but I didn't find them very helpful.
The charity I worked with were amazing. They listened without judging and they signed me up to do the freedom program.
At times during the program I would convince myself that what was happening wasn't anyway near as bad as what was happening to the women who were being physically abused. But, whilst doing the program, little by little I began to realise just how much power and control was being asserted over me and that even our 'happy' and normal times weren't real. It was me constantly (and willingly I thought) appeaseing him.
Bit by bit during that break I grew stronger and stronger and began to see things more clearly. I couldn't have coped with the thought of not getting back together so I took it a day at a time and I didn't go back and it's the best thing I ever did for me and my DC.
I was absolutely convinced that my DC were not being harmed in any way because they weren't seeing the abuse but I'm going to tell you something. In the first year of me leaving (and the following 2 years since then) they have absolutely bloomed! Because now they are being parented by a Mum who isn't being coerced and sexually assaulted regularly. I am no longer just surviving I am thriving and that allows me to emotionally invest in them on a whole different level.
I know now that what was happening to me was wrong but I still find it difficult now to admit to myself just how fucked up it was because most of the time life felt normal.
You are so incredibly strong and resilient and I promise you there is a better life for you and your DC on the other side of this and you're on your way there, you really are!