Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I understand the choice you made. It is violent though. You 'let' him because not to do that would be worse and more dangerous. It's absolutely okay to do what's least worst for you, until you can work out how to leave with the right support.

Thank you, it was. I don’t want to go into it as I know it’s upsetting for people to read and I get that. He said ‘thank you’ afterwards and I actually laughed. Wtf

Oh love. Your thoughts and preferences matter too, just as much as his. This isn’t love, this is mastery.

I’m really sorry I don’t mean to cause anyone anxiety at all.
I can’t think of anything in my childhood but his, yes , absolutely.
I won’t go into detail but you are on the money with his upbringing. Perhaps I should have seen it coming from what I know about his dad and what he’s like.

Oh wow, like “thank you for letting me get my way”.
In a way he acknowledges you very likely did not want to do it but provided it out of coercion but yet he still will not stop. It’s all about him really. Yes WTF exactly!

Yes I think so :(
i just laughed in disbelief

@ByPinkPoet0 how did he react to that laugh?
I hope he can really feel that you don’t want to do it. Even if he’s not going to stop I hope he starts to feel like shit.

Dear Pink poet
Please listen to women's hour today.
Bbc radio 4 started 10am.
Today Fri 27 March 2026.
Esp at about 20 mins where a woman describes her experience .
All the best.

I don’t think he does. He just kind of laughed too and hugged me a bit before falling asleep.

Honestly , in his mind he is doing no wrong. He loves me, he wants to make love to me, we’re married, he sees nothing wrong with being ‘persistent’ .

OP you need a plan. Get on that waiting list because 6 months will come round in no time. Don’t discount the Domestic Abuse Helpline.

I would ask the therapist directly if you think you are a good fit for her experience and if she says no, then ask her for a recommendation. I think your situation needs someone experienced. Perhaps others on this thread can direct you to the best help.

You can search here by specialisms and location:
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

He absolutely knows she doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t care. Or worse, I’m starting to fear that he likes it more when he knows she doesn’t really want to but he successfully coerces her. Like he’s won and broken her spirit. Men like him love that.

Sending you love today OP, what this man gives you is nothing close to love x

It’s like he has tunnel vision. His needs only. The thing with men like this is they think they love you but the reality is they love controlling you. It’s not the same as real love. I only to differentiate now with my partner. He encourages me to make choices that benefit myself and not him. He will never try initiate sex if I am ill anc if I am recovering then I initiate so he knows I am ready, even then he checks.

I agree. He knows exactly what he’s doing and her reluctance makes it more important to him to pressure her. It’s about control and domination - I don’t even think it’s about just sex

No need to apologise at all. Just trying to convey that what he's doing to you is absolutely awful.

Not surprised to learn of your husband's background. These things never come out of nowhere. It doesn't excuse anything he's done though. And it isn't your fault you didn't see it coming, no one wants to believe that their partner is going to turn out to be an abuser.

The most important thing is that by speaking about what is happening to you and taking action, you are no longer sitting there with this dark secret inside you, thinking it’s normal. I have every faith that you will get out of this situation but I am not thinking it will be that soon, you are taking time to process things and that’s ok. I think once it’s all fully processed you will no longer love him and that help you and give you strength to end this all. It’s good you have so much brilliant support on this thread, so many women speaking from experience or knowledgeable in other areas. You have a village @ByPinkPoet0 ❤️

I don’t know if it’s the right thing, but I wonder what would happen if you made it completely transparent to both of you what is happening. Sorry this might literally be what you are doing, but what if the next time he pesters and you know it’s just not worth it to say no, to say ‘I don’t want to but I know you won’t let it go, so let’s get it over with then’. Then there’s no doubt all round that he is willing to go ahead without knowing you actually want that. I almost thing it exposes his lie that he is interested in anything than his own desire for sex at any cost and perhaps it will help you lose a bit of that love you have for him which will ultimately help you leave.

Please don’t think anyone is angry or frustrated with you, OP. It is awful to hear what is happening to you but also essential that you keep talking about it.
A word of caution about relying on the therapy though. You are placing a lot of emphasis on finding a SA specialist but you will not be able to ‘get over’ what is still happening to you- even with the best therapist in the world.

I was the same. I felt so pathetic, but I just didnt want that level of pain. It felt easier to just stay, and deal with the constant 'everyday' pain rather than the massive 'ton of bricks' pain that came from being apart from him. But what you currently dont realise is that that everyday pain is going to wear you down more and more until you don't recognise yourself any more.

Eventually I got to a point where I had to stop kidding myself and rip the plaster off. And I won't lie, it was awful. I spent my whole adult life with this man, I'd never spent any time in my 20s or even my 30s, without him. Some days I genuinely wanted to die rather than try to get used to life without him. But I did it, and you can too. At the moment you're stuck in this cognitive dissonance of knowing this is really bad for you, but also convincing yourself it's fine.

I hope you manage to come to the realisation, VERY soon, that you need to leave and that you WILL be ok. This is honestly one of the worst threads I've ever read on here.

And it’s worth saying that even if every single poster was angry and frustrated, it would still be OK. It wouldn’t be your fault OP, you shouldn’t apologise or feel bad or stop posting. None of the shame, guilt, anger or sadness should be on your shoulders.

And PP is right. No ethical therapist will have the goal of enabling abuse.

He doesn't love you. He loves what he can use you for. If he loved you he would care about you as much as himself.

he has suggested that if I don’t want full sex there’s are ‘other things’ I can do for him.

That is an incredibly selfish thing to say to your wife who has told you she isn't up for sex because she's processing the affects of sexual abuse, isn't? And the result isn't just that you do other things for him but that you have sex when you had been explicit that it isn't what you want.

You've told him what you need from him and he is ignoring that and pushing and pushing you to give him what he wants regardless not only of what you want but also the damage it will do to you. That is not love.

Thanks , I’m on the waitlist.

when I called the DV line they asked for some person details and when I said I don’t want to give because I don’t want my husband to know and she was asking ‘why , do you think he’d be angry’ and so on . It just freaked me out a bit like are they going to do something with the information.

I do understand that - but honestly this is the only ‘next step’ that feels manageable to me at the moment. Anything else bigger sends me into total panic and I can feel myself shutting down to my feelings

I am hoping in a way the specialist, being used to situations like mine, will give me the ‘magic answer’ which I know deep down doesn’t exist. But for now that’s where I’m at

Yes I see what you mean

in the past I have said things a bit like that and he gets annoyed with me. Well now you make me feel like a dick, it feels weird, I’m allowed to want to make love with my wife stop making me out to be a weirdo because I fancy you, you should be grateful …

and then sometimes, and this is not everytime, if he really ‘needs it’ (whatever he means by that) he will say ‘ you don’t have to do anything just lay there’ .

It’s tricky because obviously he doesn’t want to be in a sexless marriage and I’ve seen lots of posts on here where women are encouraged to leave their DH because they never have sex so that’s not reasonable either. I’m just so sad we ended up here.

No one is encouraging those wives to sexually assault or rape their husbands though. That is not a reasonable solution to, say, mismatched sex drives.

What is the answer though? He would say it’s not fair because when we were first together we used to do it daily - but I was early 20s and now I’m tired!

I do think porn use has a lot of answer for. I can tell from what he likes that he’s watched a lot over the years. And what type :(