Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

This is so powerful and so kind of you to share. You sound amazing and an inspiration for OP x

@MissMontague19 you're amazing and I'm so happy you got away.

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
it really does sound extremely similar. I am glad you and your children are happy.

I wonder what it was like when you split, co parenting and that kind of thing? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to x

I did speak to my friend. I was as honest as I could be and I did tell her vast majority of what I’ve shared here. She was concerned , and sad for me, and glad that I’m seeing a therapist.

As I thought with anyone in my real life though, her reaction was concern but she didn’t seem completely horrified. She suggested couples therapy (which she has experience with herself) and then went on to talk about her rocky relationship with her husband. Which is sad in a different way.

When I got home after being out all day, and drinking, I’d worked myself up thinking he would want to have sex. He did try to initiate, but I said no I didn’t feel comfortable as I was drunk etc. He did listen and accepted it although was a stroppy about it at the time. He said it makes him feel rejected, however he understood why I was still struggling with trust and he would try to put less pressure on. If nothing else I am getting better at telling him how I feel without worrying about his reaction. He acknowledged that it was his fault and he feels terrible about it, he knows he’s done wrong and he knows he’s hurt me. He will be better, do better etc etc

I want to believe him

Sadly, telling a friend anything isn’t always the best thing as we all self-edit. This one here has simply not heard or wanted to hear and has jumped in with her own story.
Booze never helps if you want to talk about something troubling.
This is why it is better to talk to professionals.

I don't believe it is suggested that women do couples therapy with their abuser, but I am sure the ladies on MN will be along to confirm / clarify this.

Did you manage to use the words sexual abuse / rape to your friend ?

No, I said he has done it without consent.
it’s too hard

I know it's too hard for you, but it will of course skew the response you get from other people, who will not understand the seriousness of him raping you.

Unfortunately there are many people in real life whose pat answer to everything is 'counselling' and so many who say couples counselling when it's abuse and therefore absolutely contraindicated.

The first 6 months of our 'break' he was very loving and caring (to try and get me to change my mind) he became the perfect husband.
One day whilst dropping DC back he kissed me in the kitchen and started to grope me whilst the DC were in the living room and I was absolutely repulsed and whilst I still loved him, I knew that I just couldn't take him back and something shifted.
He felt the shift as the following 6 months were very difficult. He'd always been 'a great Dad' but once he had lost the control over me his mask was completely off. He would constantly assert his control over pick and drop off times and flit between emotional manipulation threatening suicide, sending me our wedding songs and pictures to anger and agression.
I'm not going to say it was easy because it wasn't but with the guidance and support from the charity I held firm.
By 12 months he found a girlfriend and stopped all contact with me and DC, something I would have never ever imagined and I was in complete shock. But looking back now it makes sense, everything was transactional and he was not longer getting anything from me so the DC were of no use to him.
The no contact was tough (it still is sometimes) and I went through full on grief but in hindsight it was the best gift he could have given me.
Leaving is hard and staying left is harder than I ever imagined but you can do it Poet I know you can. You've been playing this game and dancing this dance for years. Your resolve and resilience is beyond measure and when you come out of the other side you'll be amazed at your own strength.
Please don't wait until you want to leave him because that day may never come, it didn't with me because I loved him so deeply. Starting with a 'break' helped me to leave a day at a time and I thank God every day that I did.
I'd like to share a post with you that I saw on somebody else's thread that I screenshot and read every day and it really helped me when I felt lost without him.

This is exactly what my ExDH would do and say 'I'm going to do better' 'I'm going to make the changes' etc etc
I would feel complete relief and elation each time he said it because it allowed me stay and validated the cognitive dissonance I was constantly practicing because I didn't want to leave him.
But you know. You know somewhere deep down that if he had any sense of real love and care for you he wouldn't even be attempting to have sex or any form of intimacy with you after the talks you've been having. He isn't capable of that kind of love and he never will be Poet. You deserve so much more 💗

You are a very lovely and kind person, and you are also right. There must be lots of similarities. I am now back in the lovely phase where I feel happier and the anxiety has died off a bit.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me and you are very strong. I’m shocked there is no contact now and that’s something I would worry about. You sound like an amazing mum x

I’m glad you were able to talk to your friend and it is great that you are feeling more able to assert yourself. As a PP said, it would be hard to get across to your friend the ins and outs of what has been happening so please don’t let that minimise it for you.

“He did listen and accepted it although was a stroppy about it at the time.”

It is good that he did not push the issue to where it became rape, but I want to tell you how unacceptable the stroppiness is, as is the way he is trying to make himself a victim by starting a narrative around you rejecting him. He’s so manipulative.

Why are you in the "lovely phase" though? Because he didn't rape you last night? He still initiated and then got stroppy when you said no. Then threw out a few lies about doing better to keep you compliant. That's really shitty behaviour. If he was doing "better" he wouldn't initiate when you're drunk and would leave you alone for longer periods and not strop off whenever you say no.

I don't mean that question aggressively, just trying to understand your feelings.

You feel good now and calm because you're in the period of reconciliation which is followed by the honeymoon phase. It's quite intoxicating and it's the cycle of abuse you've come to find normal, familiar, comforting and reassuring.
Please have a read through this Freedom Programme pdf if you can. It lists all of the characteristics of abusive men. You'll most likely find that your DH has traits from all of them, mine did.
I'm quite literal and very well practiced at cognitive dissonance so when I first read it I thought 'oh he doesn't do that or that so he can't be that abusive' etc but a normal loving partner shouldn't do any of the things listed under each character AT ALL.
It can be extremely disconcerting when you start to see things more clearly and you'll flit back and forwards to disbelief that it's got this far, shock at how bad it is, to complete denial that anything is wrong at all. But the most important thing is that you're starting to see it and once that happens you can't unsee it, no matter how hard you try.
You're on your way Poet, one step at a time but you've started to walk towards the life you and your DC truly deserve xx
https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

I agree. I think OP you’ve lived like this for so long and your boundaries have been so eradicated that the fact he didn’t coerce you into letting him rape you for ONE NIGHT makes you think this is a lovely phase.

I know you are very slowly starting to realise it but this is so far from how a normal loving relationship works. He still sulked and turned it into you being in the wrong just because he didn’t get up force himself on you for once.

Yes, stropping isn’t ‘accepting’ it is manipulation and blackmail.

My love, him being stroppy about no sex (particularly when we consider the fact your feelings around sex are due to him having raped and sexually assaulted you) is NOT a lovely phase.

In a healthy relationship, sulking around sex at would be a bad phase. A very bad one.

Him not actively progression from sexual coercion to rape on this individual occasion, and instead going from sexual coercion to sulking aka punishment, is not ‘lovely’ of him.

His behaviour has been so abusive for so long that you very wrongly see any absence of cruelty or force as being equal to kindness and gentleness.

He’s been a bit distant and why I asked if everything’s ok he said it’s too hard to be near me when he wants to have sex but he knows he’s not getting it! I’m aware he’s making it about him .

I said I don’t think that’s a normal and healthy attitude around sex and he said maybe not but it’s how I feel

I think you’re definitely correct in your last part but I feel unable to stop it really

Yes I understand , it seems an odd thing to say. I suppose after I express my true honest feelings to him, which has happened a few times in the last month , we have a few days where he is extra caring and kind, not expecting too much and seeming to respect all my boundaries.

Then what has happened previously and it lasts for a bit

I want to believe that everyone deserves another chance and it’s worth fighting for , despite everything .

He's punishing you by withdrawing affection until you comply. That is not lovely. Since you started this thread, he has said three times at least that he would "try harder" and the most that has lasted was less than a week. You can't keep negotiating and pleading for your basic bodily autonomy. He doesn't mean any of those words.

As I said earlier in the thread, this just isn’t true. What they found was that even with admission, specialist help, and targeted programming, change was very rare, around 10% IIRC. He doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong, and hasn’t sought help. There is no chance of change. None.

Even when he’s ’saying the right things’ that make you feel better, he’s still actually saying the wrong things. Minimising, justifying, blaming you and punishing. You can decide you want to live this way. You can’t hope he’ll change. He won’t.

He’s basically telling you unless you allow him to coerce you into sex then he will withdraw any affection until you back down and reluctantly let him sexually assault you for an easy life.

It’s all about control and domination. He’s showing you who is in charge and punishing you for daring to say no to him.

This. If you stay in this relationship it has to be with the understanding that you will constantly face this and that all you can do to prevent the worst of it is to comply with his very frequent ‘requests’ regardless of how you feel physically or mentally. Anything else, like believing the situation will change and that this is loving behaviour, will continue the hurt you feel. I honestly think the only way to cope long term if you stay is a certain amount of detachment.

He’s had loads of chances though OP.

You told him you needed a break from sex and that was a very clear chance for him to show you he was grateful for the chance and loves you enough to listen.

Instead he pestered you, pressured you and guilt tripped you into having sex he knew you didn’t want. Repeatedly, since you told him you wanted sex to be off the table for a while.

You give him chances often. He doesn’t take them. He chooses to sexually assault you and told you outright that he ‘wants you more’ when you’re upset and crying.

I feel I have to keep saying this, not to pressure you but to reiterate how strongly I believe it. This man is very dangerous.

I think we have all been saying over many threads that this man is dangerous.
An experienced PP with personal experience of similar was very candid about her life with a rapist and the freedom after she left.
I don’t think anyone is getting through.
OP may be reading, taking bits in, but if she genuinely believe this man deserves a second chance, nothing anyone can say will change that.
He is using porn, which appears to be violent, is violently raping his wife, and somehow makes out that he feels rejected when she doesn’t want to raped again.