Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I agree. OP, this is really serious.

I desperately hope that your therapist can help you.

Dont feel we are frustrated with you when we say these things, we are just concerned for you and your children so feel we have to be honest.

Please keep posting if this is your only outlet for support outside of counselling x

I can’t just say I’m going to sleep elsewhere he would that that’s really strange

not a lot I can do really
sex will happen , I realise . It is what it is

Perhaps it’s helpful to remember what you have asked of him @ByPinkPoet0 to meet your needs and to make you happy. Lately you have asked to leave sex off the table, you have asked for therapy (due to way your finances work), and you have asked for more involvement/equality in the family finances. Different words have been used, different excuses have been brought up, but he has made sure and will continue to make sure that you get NONE of these. You could tell him you’re tired and don’t want to be woken up unnecessarily (I.e. by anyone other than your children) at 5am in future - but you, I and everyone else here knows he will continue to do that and will make out that you are the in some way unreasonable to ask that of him too.

I think you need to think of these things because you’re starting to feel guilty about not making him happy, while he really doesn’t care about what you need to be happy, he just wants to use you to meet his ‘needs’.

I feel sick reading this.

He’s been ‘thinking about me all day’.

He's been thinking about what - how you are finding the sex you have had with him at his insistence "problematic" (at best)?
And his conclusion is to insist on sex with you?

Or has he been thinking about a version of you that never has a problem with him insisting on sex?
Is that the same as thinking about you?

He “can’t” control himself or he “won’t” control himself.
I think it’s the latter.

OP he hasn’t been thinking about you all day in a good way. You said no to him this morning and he’s thought all day about how’s he’s going to show you what happens when he doesn’t get his way. He has decided he’s having sex tonight and doesn’t care about his you feel. He’s going to show you the consequences of daring to refuse his every demand and the result will be sexual assault of you to sow you who is boss

Jesus Christ 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s chilling isn’t it.

OP I wish we could all come and rescue you and your children from this life.

I can’t bear the thought that a thoughtful, kind and caring woman is basically waiting for her husband to sexually assault or rape her tonight as he knows full well she doesn’t want sex but has told her he ‘can’t help himself’ and due to his prior behaviour the outcome feels inevitable to you.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. Please know the way he acts towards you is not love. It’s disdain and contempt for women and their autonomy. Men like him hate women who don’t do what they want, when they want, on demand.

He is a monster.

You have a way of writing things that make it seem quite scary . But I think you’re right in a way

I’m really anxious about your immediate situation. Because I know you will consent so it isn’t rape :( it’s an awful dynamic that you have to deal with on a daily basis. Mentally it’s a very big strain on you.

How does that make you feel?
you say it would be strange to sleep elsewhere, but what are you scared of? Do you think he’d drag you back? Do you think he’d escalate to even more violence?
Surely your fear of him is making you realise how much you need to escape this relationship?

There is something so chilling, haunting and completely terrifying about knowing the OP is basically about to be raped by this monster. It’s the way it’s unfolding in real time. I am so, so terrified for the OP not just about the rapes and sexual assults but the sheer level of emotional abuse this ‘man’ has inflicted on her and the way she is not able to see what everyone else sees.

OP, please, please try and think about how one day you could be living a stress free life with your kids, never having to worry or even give a second thought to whether you’re going to be raped/abused/given the silent treatment that day. Your kids will grow up and find out what this man was really like, and they will know one day that you managed to get them away from him, and that will be the best vindication you could ever wish for.

I agree with this absolutely. It’s weird, but it feels to me that the OP is every bit as trapped as I was when I was being sexually abused as a child. It’s so sad to read this thread, both for the OP, who is such a lovely, caring person, and her young DC.

But it doesn’t have to be like that, there is a better future out there if you can get away, OP.

I’m alright , thanks everyone for your concern. @DoesthislookgoodOnMe is right , that’s what happened .

don’t want anyone worrying it’s getting violent or anything

@ByPinkPoet0 i am so sorry for being right on this occasion :( x

I felt sick reading the updates.
This man is a rapist and a monster, he’s using OP like she’s a piece of meat.
If she loves him and can’t bear to leave him then she has a lifetime of being raped ahead.
Thats very blunt but it’s so frustrating.
However, it’s very important OP feels she can post here. As tough as it is to read, it’s real life to her and this is a safe space.

This is such warped behaviour. OP you must seek help. This is no way to live. You’re an orifice.

I have a daughter. I’ve seen the way ordinary men started looking at her in a sexual way from about age 12. It’s sickening to witness. My friends with daughters warned me about it. If you have daughters, it concerns me what could happen in your home when they begin to mature. Your husband openly admits he can’t control himself. And if you have sons, this is what they’ll learn about how to treat women.

I do worry about how to bring up my sons to be better, but this is something I would worry about anyway in the world we live in sadly. As I said I don’t believe he’s a direct risk to the children. If I did I would 100% act to protect them.

How is your mental health today? How do you feel?

Same as I’ve been feeling everyday lately. Just on edge, anxious and a bit overwhelmed/tired because I’m not sleeping great. I’m taking the odd sleeping tablet which is helping that but I don’t want to become reliant on them. Trying to hold things together for the kids.
thanks for asking ❤️ @shoppingred54

I hope you get some time to breathe today, to get into nature and observe the growing signs of spring and beauty. Just to calm and ease your soul a little for a moment.

Take strength that the NO yesterday morning and moving away was a good step - it is not negated by the yes last night - we do what we have to do for our safety.

I think it wont be long when you will be able to say NO at night too, and move away - maybe to a childs room, as others have suggested. But that step is not quite here yet.

take care and be kind to yourself today.

Thank you , this is lovely 😊
I’ll keep busy for sure , work , school runs and all the things !

Frustrating this morning I found out by email that the wait list for specialised trauma therapy for SA (as recommended by RC) is 6 months in my area. Feels like a long time.

I do like my therapist but I get the impression she doesn’t really know what to say when I tell her all this. She doesn’t really guide me to unpick all the complexities of my feelings about the relationship. I’ve had 3 sessions so far maybe I need to give more.

I thought maybe the specialist one might be a bit more used to women similar to me.

@ByPinkPoet0 maybe in the interim you need a new therapist. She should be guiding you.
I am glad you are trying to get specialist treatment for SA.
I really hope last night was over quickly and painlessly physically for you x

Last night's updates were very upsetting to read. But that is not an attempt to censor you.

Not attempting to pile more pressure on you OP, but as another poster mentioned, kids when they grow up very often replicate what they saw at home in their own relationships. So not just your sons potentially growing up to treat women this way but your daughters (unconsciously) choosing partners who treat them this way. It's why I asked about your upbringing. Because your initial idea that all men pester for sex has likely come from your own experiences or perhaps from older women telling you that that's how it is. Ditto your thinking that you just need to put up with it because its too much hassle to leave/he can't help it/you can't live without each other. Ditto the idea that this relationship is about intense love rather than control and dependency.

(It's also pretty likely your partner's upbringing featured a relationship where a man abused and controlled a woman).

So even if you won't consider getting help for your own sake I think you need to think quite hard about your daughters' futures. I have no idea whether as some PPs think, he will start on them. But I am pretty sure that they are being affected by watching what's going on in the home at the moment.