Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

That's awful.
How do you kids sleep at night btw?

Pretty good. The youngest sometimes wakes once but I can’t complain ! They sleep well

Ok. When youngest wakes is it usually you dealing with that?

When they didn't sleep well and your nights were very broken, did he still wake you up for sex at 5am?

I know it's hard to understand and these ideas are new to you. Clarity really comes from understanding how they think. You can't see it from our side of the fence. You're trying to understand what's happening but until you can grasp how they operate, it's nearly impossible to make sense of it.

It's insidious behaviour. Step by step building a prison around you. Every new anchor ties you in a little bit more. It's wild how much shit these men get away with without women really seeing what's happening.

The one I was with had soulless, dead, shark eyes. If you'd told me he was the devil himself. I wouldn't have argued with you. I sometimes wonder if he was even human. The most disturbing, unhinged person I've ever seen. I've worked in psych wards and most of the patients were more stable than him.

There's so much more I haven't disclosed, but I came very close to my entire life being destroyed in the worst way possible. OP your husband is a dangerous man. You are sleeping next to a monster.

I've said it before, I had a guardian angel at that point in my life. I was unbelievably lucky to avoid the situations he was trying to engineer. Never underestimate how far someone like this will go.

When your rapist husband wipes your tears and tells how much your distress makes him want to have more sex you haven't consented to - please believe him. He means it.

Yes it’s usually me and yes quite often

I'm not sure it's doing any good repeatedly telling someone their husband is pretty much an inhuman monster, given (for whatever reason) she still loves him.

It also excuses him, when in reality he is a human, just an extremely flawed one who had knowingly and repeatedly made choices that have upset the OP and avoids to bring turned on by her being upset about this.

I understand that for some people dehumanising their abuser is helpful, but I'm not sure it is here and worry that it'll drive the OP away, and then she'll have no one to talk to.

A good man would try and find a way of getting his wife extra sleep after disrupted night's, not making it even worse. We also share the night wake ups and have done from the start. Oh except when in was pregnant with my second, when he did all wake ups so I could get extra rest.

We had a bad night the other night, so I stayed in bed whilst my husband sorted the kids and got them to school. That's what a good man does.

In nearly 9 years of parenting bad sleepers, my husband has not once woken me pestering for sex. Not once.

There are versions of love that are obsessive and vampire like, or obsessive and demanding of complete submission and possession
Not all ‘love’ is good.

“Love bombing” in a relationship is manipulation, obsession and ownership not love.

In my experience, he was not a monster. He was a charismatic, popular, intelligent, successful, good looking man but turns out he’s a narcissist. He has no ability to see things from anybody else’s point of view. He would look me in the eye and lie. By the end, I felt like I was going insane. Everybody loved him. He avoids any conflict and twists everything to get his own way. Our life probably looked quite lovely. I would guess it took me 5 years to get over it. This was a long term relationship so he’s ingrained in my life. We have joint friends and we also co-parent (but it’s become clear to me that his parenting is for show, just like everything else he does). The therapist coached me in how to stand up for myself and tactics to deal with him. It was the best investment I made.

So my point is, this man is OP’s husband that she’s been with from such a young age. She’s in a lovely house, with lovely kids and I’m sure her family and friends think he’s great and that everything is hunky dory. Or give an impression that they think he’s great, some may have their doubts/a feeling about him - I think OP said her best friend had issues with him. Most of these people will probably be absolutely stunned if they knew the truth about what he’s really like. OP needs to get to a place of empowerment. Hopefully the therapist can coach her to that place.

There are a lot of things I know I have brushed over but that comment this morning after I shared my feelings again, that it made him want me more so he could , make up for it in some way maybe? I think that’s what he was getting at.

doesn’t sit well with me . I did think i don’t think that’s a normal response

@ByPinkPoet0 how did he react when you got out of bed this morning? Well done for getting up. It’s good you are now in your head starting to call out behaviour that isn’t normal. It’s good you are questioning it. It makes lots of small steps to make progress but this is a big thing you.

This is so hard for you @ByPinkPoet0 and it’s huge that you’re starting to come to these realisations and I don’t for a minute underestimate how difficult this is.

You are so right - it’s not normal. If you flip
it and he had suffered SA, was crying and distressed and he told you he wanted a break from sex, would your first thought be “I’ve never wanted you more!” Of course not. He is quite literally showing you that your feelings, the fact that he has assaulted you don’t matter. It’s all about him and his need for power, sec and control over you.
His behaviour isn’t ok.

@ByPinkPoet0 you're absolutely right, that's not a normal or healthy response. A man with empathy would have comforted you without any pressure rather than centring their own wants. I am not surprised it doesn't sit well with you.

This is exactly right, OP. You need to continue listening to your instincts, they’re what will in time help you to get away from this man. You’re stronger than you realise.

This is actually a huge breakthrough for you OP, you are seeing how unhealthy his behaviour is when previously he managed to persuade you things like this comment were him ‘caring’.

You are deeply unsettled by that comment he made about you crying making him want you more because your gut has had a visceral reaction to it. It’s undeniably an awful thing to have said. Sick, actually. It made me have a visceral reaction too and I’m not even involved.

There is no more influential blueprint for a relationship than the one our parents have. You must keep this in mind and keep asking yourself how you want your children to feel in relationship when they grow up. I don’t say that to make you feel bad, I hope instead that continuing to remember that could help make you more determined to detach from him when you are ready one day.

You are clearly a lovely, kind and thoughtful woman and I’m not sure how you’d cope if your child came to you in future and confided that they were in a relationship just like this. I think you’d feel sick, guilty and full of regret that they were exposed to this dynamic even if you don’t feel they see all the worst bits.

So keep listening to your gut, not the voice this man has put in your head x

No, it is not a normal response.

Your perception is getting clearer, and I congratulate you so much in getting yourself up and away from him - reaffirming your boundary. I think that a week ago you would have allowed him to 'comfort you'

This is a huge step. Really huge in gathering yourself.

I'm going to tell you something that people don't really talk about. When you leave this relationship it will hurt. To begin with it will hurt more than being with him did. You must push through that initial phase. It's part of why it often takes several attempts before you leave permanently

THIS. This, 100 times. It's why I kept going back. I just kept thinking 'this much pain can't be normal, if it hurts this much then surely we should just be together'. But you know what? The last time, I pushed through it. Now I wouldn't go back to him if you paid me. I look back now and wonder how the hell I endured that treatment for that long, and kept making excuses for him. But like OP, in my mind we had this 'intense' relationship where we apparently couldnt live without each other (by the way OP that's a classic description of a trauma bond). You're in the thick of it right now. You'll read all these replies and dismiss them and think we just dont understand how strong your connection is to him. But one day you'll be ready to leave ❤

He was a bit grumpy , he said now you’re making me feel like there’s something wrong with me for wanting my wife. I can’t help it I can’t control myself around you. You’d complain if I didn’t find you attractive- all the usual things he says!

This evening he has been very loving and his normal self so he doesn’t seem annoyed about it.

I can relate to this. It was probably not a healthy start to the relationship and I do wonder if things would have been different if I hadn’t been so young at the time.

the problem is if I’m honest I just don’t what to go through that pain. I’m not convinced it would be ‘worth it’ . That’s my honest feelings

Thank you. I agree it’s a big thing for me to move away.
I don’t think he will let it go though . He’s been ‘thinking about me all day’.

he has suggested that if I don’t want full sex there’s are ‘other things’ I can do for him . Often we start other things but his preference is sex so it always ends up finishing that way even if he says no we won’t if you don’t want to.

For example sometimes he says ok I’ll sort myself out whilst laying next to me but once he’s started he’s starts trying to undress me and saying needs me and can’t finish without full sex so it always ends up that way

sorry if that’s a bit graphic it’s hard to explain!

He hasn’t been thinking about you all day he’s been thinking about sex all day, and you’re just his convenient amenable vessel for it. None of what he says comes from a place of love or care for you or your needs or preferences.

It’s so difficult to keep the perspective . He’s very good at talking and I want him to be happy .
i feel I don’t want him to be upset or feel rejected - why is that

Because you love him and care for his well-being. We can’t turn our feelings off just like that. And you’re obviously also a very kind person who doesn’t like upsetting people.

You’re doing really well, though, to keep coming on here to process everything you’re feeling.

Because he has trained you to feel like his needs take prioritised over yours.

Because he has trained you to believe he is owed sex on demand from you.

Because you are confused due to wanting to make someone happy because you think you love them but also being frightened of them, because they punish you by sulking if they don’t get their way and because they rape you if you keep saying no.

Your behaviour makes perfect sense for someone who has been abused for years. His behaviour is abhorrent, cruel, selfish and literally criminal.

I’m so sorry x

I’m so afraid for you OP. Reading this is like watching a horror story unfold. Please find a way to sleep elsewhere- he is going to rape you tonight. He’s told you he ‘can’t control himself around you’ - he’s admitting he won’t stop.
Can you sleep in one of your children’s rooms?