Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

But he is horrible to you, your bar is just very low.

• He's horrible when he rapes you, especially when he can hear you sobbing.
• He's horrible when you've told him you need a break from sex because you're having counselling because he rapes you, and he can't even stop for 24 hours and still pesters you.
• he's horrible when he makes out like it didn't happen.
• He's horrible when he knows your upset and wants to stop the counselling.
• he's horrible when he yells and throws things.
• he's horrible when he was swearing at your babies for disturbing his shag.
• he's horrible when he's been lying to you about access to financial information.

Someone doesn't have to be horrible all of the time, like some TV villain, to be horrible to his partner. If that was the case more women would leave quickly. It's the insidious ones that are truly dangerous, the ones that say the right things, all whilst casting a web of abuse so pervasive yet so controlling that the victims don't even notice. It would be easier to hate him if he was all bad wouldn't it. He's not that silly...

If he is genuinely good outside of sex, why are you scared of leaving, scared of asking for access to finances, scared of refusing sex, scared of him finding the thread?

I don't think he is lovely when you're anything other than a surrendered wife, totally obedient and compliant.

Of course and I know in my head that a good person would not do all those things.

do you think it is possible that he doesn’t believe he is doing any of these things though? Because of his mindset/upbringing/whatever he just believes that these things are ok within a marriage?

I just don’t understand it
I know I probably never will

Good question,
Im scared of leaving because I’m not ready to make such drastic and life altering changes to my children , and I still love him and want to be a family :(
Im not scared of asking for finances , I have asked a few times but he does brush it off a bit
I am scared of refusing sex because it brings up horrible memories and I want to avoid that happening again
Im scared of him finding the thread because he would be LIVID
It’s complicated for me even if it doesn’t look it from the outside

What difference would it make either way? He's an adult and if his upbringing means he thinks it's normal to be abusive, that doesn't mean it's any more ok.

I suspect he does love you in his screwed up own way, but again that doesn't make it ok. Being grim here, many paedophiles may feel like they 'love' their victims, that doesn't make their actions any less abhorrent. It's almost worse if he does love you, because then he's choosing to repeatedly hurt someone he loves. How screwed up is that? He's had opportunities to change and hasn't taken them, even in these last few weeks.

I don’t know I think it would make a difference to me. At this point anyway. For me there is a difference between he loves me but he has a very messed up connection between love, sex and what he ‘needs’ /wants. And that he is not just an evil person like some have suggested.

to me there is a difference, not an excuse , just I feel differently about it

I think what you are saything @ByPinkPoet0 is that your husband fundamentally doesn’t know right from wrong and I do not agree with this. You have recently told him about the raping you when your were pregnant and you told him you needed space and no sex for a while. Yet he thought after 24 hours to pester you for sex. People with no empathy or accountability for their actions are sociopaths and your husband displays many of these characteristics as well as narcissistic traits. Just because I’ve put a label on his behaviors does not excuse his behaviour. For me when a partner messes up and makes a “mistake” I am not forgiving as I remind myself that they would have made alot of conscious decisions to get to making that “mistake”. Mistake is leaving toilet seat up but not what he continued to do to you.

This is why you are in a constant state of mental gymnastics. It doesn’t make sense to you because his behaviour isn’t normal and you don’t understand him,

I'm sure he does believe these behaviours are fine within a marriage. He has a toxic and misogynist worldview that believes women are lesser, should be submissive, men are entitled to rape their wives. I'm sure he believes all of these things. Doesn't make him right.

@DropOfffArtiste and passing on all these attitudes to their children.

My friend’s husband used to rape her. She was married to him in her 20s. Three young children. In her late 50s she was called to give evidence at his trial. He’d raped his most recent, much younger wife, who’d reported him. His second wife and another girlfriend were also there giving evidence. A pattern of abuse going back decades. He was a successful professional, pillar of the community. He still denies his actions (from his prison cell).

Ok, I'll try to explain how these creatures operate.

These men do not think like us. You'll never see what's really going on if you view it the way normal people like us do. This is why the behaviour is contradictory and confusing.

These men hate women. Decent normal men do not routinely SA / R and abuse their partners. No decent man suddenly and wilfully decides to become a rapist and start assaulting his partner on a frequent basis. You might wonder why men who hate women bother having relationships. They do it because they enjoy abusing women.

The kind, caring version of them is not real. It's part of the abuse. I know that's hard to comprehend but it's really important that you get your head round this. The reason they are nice and the reason it's so hard to leave, is related to your happy hormones.

When he's sweet to you, it's amazing. That rush of love you feel is what keeps you hanging on. You know how good it can feel to be with him and so you keep chasing it. You confronted him about the time he raped you and you ended up having 'make up sex'. I think I speak for most on how horrific that was to read. You're ok with it because it made you feel better......that's the hormones.

You are essentially addicted to the hormones your body naturally makes. He's in control of that though. He can withdraw that sweet version and return to abusing you at will. He will then pull you back in by being nice. The ratio of nice:nasty doesn't matter. The nice version is purely to keep you there. That's the only reason they do it. It feels real to you but that's because you're normal. It's not real, it's a necessary part of the cycle of abuse.

They often push for commitment very early on. They love bomb you to get you hooked. They can't sustain it for long though, so they have to tie you down before the mask slips. Mine was talking about marriage and a baby within weeks. He was also trying to put me on his mortgage so I'd have more 'security'. In case you're wondering, a £100k debt is a liability not security. This is all to make it harder to leave. This is why your husband loves you being pregnant, it's another anchor.

I said in an earlier post that leaving these men hurts like hell. In your mind you know it's the right thing to do but you crave those happy hormones. You feel wretched without them. Going back gives you the love bombing hormone fix you body cried out for. It feels better than being without him because you're literally going through withdrawal symptoms, like cold turkey. There's no way round this one, you have to ride it out.

Make sure your contraception is water tight OP and then some. The night rapes might also be to try to get you pregnant.

And that he is not just an evil person like some have suggested.

OP you've said some flavour of this throughout the thread. You obviously know that people aren't born into two types, good/evil.

People are just people.

They do messed up, selfish, contradictory things. Some of those things are fine, some hurt others.

What you need to think about isn't "does he fall into the "evil" box? Well if not he must be a good man."

It's "when he knows he does hurtful and objectively morally wrong - illegal even - things, how does he respond?"

And it's clear that when the person he's hurting is you, he will do whatever he can to get things back to normal so he can keep doing them.

He's not changed anything and he openly shat all over your request to avoid sex for a matter of days.

I couldn't get past any of that.

I think, deep down, you know he’s a bad person OP. You suspect he would be furious if he found this thread, and that he would make your life extremely difficult if you left him. That is so telling just by itself. I know with certainty that if I split from my DH it would be nothing like that.

I think you are at the beginning of this, and I’m not surprised you can’t imagine leaving right now. Perhaps as life changes that will change. Your children will get older and you will feel less trapped and perhaps will see an even less patient side to him with older kids. You might get to a point where, physically, the no-foreplay sex (it sounds like that’s how it often goes?) or in fact any sex causes you too much pain (hello menopause) and the balance tips - it becomes something you are less willing to tolerate as you can now.

I do think it’s better to see him clearly as he is, and to see the relationship as it is, rather than looking for signs that explain it all away though, even if you stay. This is not love, it’s just not.

I asked him for a break again this morning in bed. I said I am still having a lot of confused feelings about what happened and I cried again. We were hugging and he wiped my tears and then he said ‘ seeing you like this makes me want you more because I want to prove to you that you are safe with me’

I said no I really don’t want to today and got up.

It’s playing on my mind because it seems a strange thing to say . Trying to make sense of that.

@ByPinkPoet0 I am glad you got up and I find his response of wanting you more as you are upset disgusting to be honest. It’s like you bring in turmoil is a turn on for him. It’s not a normal way to respond to someone who is upset, has said they don’t want sex so he suggests it again 5 minutes later. I hope you are ok. My anger is towards him and not you x

He's literally telling you that he gets turned on by you being upset and not wanting sex. It makes him want to do it more. That's why he raped you. That's why he rapes you when you're asleep. He is a walking forensic risk.

It is very strange and I'm so glad you're starting to recognise that.

That would be weird and unpleasant if he felt like that when you were upset generally.

It's a whole other level of disgusting when you've told him you're upset because of the sexual pressure on you (and rape...), and now he's saying that you being upset is a turn on.

Just think about that.

He's getting turned on that you are distressed by him raping you.

He's shown you exactly what he is with that sentence.

You can’t make sense of it but it probably confirms what has already been said previously about him actively enjoying you being upset.

”seeing you like this makes me want you more”

I believe this bit about what he said.

seeing you like this makes me want you more because I want to prove to you that you are safe with me’

Sorry but that's vile.
Seeing you upset about sex makes me want to do it even more?

And to PROVE A POINT - TO PROVE YOUR FEELINGS ARE WRONG?!

He literally tells you he wants you to have sex against your wishes to prove that your feelings are wrong.

I think that's the worst thing I've seen from him on this thread because it's so clearly, clearly not any kind of misunderstanding or act of love.

Also, from the sound of it, he pretty much expects sex every morning, right? At least he'll try to initiate sex every morning without fail?

You're a mum to 4 young kids and I suspect not getting enough sleep as it is, and his nagging cuts into that precious sleep time.

What time is he waking you up for sex when the kids are still asleep? (Please let them still be asleep...) I'm guessing it must be 6 or earlier.

"Asking for a break". As if you have to get his permission for your body not to be molested.

It’s usually about 5am !! Not every morning but a lot
yes they are asleep

Depriving someone of sleep is also abuse OP, it’s another form of abuse that you are enduring.

It’s concerning me . I’m a bit worried about it. Keeping thinking about it.
Seems an odd thing to say or way to put it

I think you are right

Thank you. It’s a hard read because many of the things you say I don’t recognise , but I appreciate building up my awareness.

I can recognise what you mean about the ‘make up’ sex too . I can relate to that

Contraception is sorted 100% I am not taking that risk. I actually was pregnant , unplanned , when my youngest was 14 months but sadly I miscarried at about 6 weeks. I don’t want to go through that again and I also feel that I’m done having children. So I won’t be swayed on that

Jesus..... Seeing you crying because he raped you makes him want you more. That's chilling. I feel sick just reading that.