Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Thank you and thank you @Sunflower07 for sharing. I do appreciate everyone looking out for me. I cannot imagine needing any of that right now I really can’t imagine him hurting me in any other ways , but I will definitely save all the advice . Especially as you seem to know so much about this from your job. It must be a hard job.

i will continue with the online therapy and my parents have offered to pay.
he won’t know I’m continuing

maybe one day I will be ready to make a plan but not now. I can’t get past the idea of not being together - or him being with someone else! I’d hate that . I’d miss him so much

I am glad you’re carrying on with the therapy. I would also suggest having your therapy and any conversations with friends about this, away from the house or your car, in case he plants a recording device (I know it may sound far fetched, but they are really easy to get hold of these days and it’s not uncommon).

thank you but I’m doing it on line so I’m not sure where else I can do it?

I'm glad you're continuing the counselling and I apologise if I was one of the ones seeming frustrated - I'm not, just very blunt. I know you're not ready to plan an exit yet and it probably seems like climbing a mountain to you. I wish you well.

Regarding the counselling - could you do it from a friends's house or your parents'? Do you always work from home? Just wondered if there was somewhere quiet at your workplace that you could ask to use.

Would you pretend to him that you've stopped counselling or tell him your parents are paying or neither? The first one seems risky if there's a possibility of him finding out you're still having it. I suppose it might be best to say nothing at all about it and just lie if he asks.

OP’s poor parents would be devastated to know why their daughter needs this therapy.
It is heartbreaking.
It is so sad OP would be so upset and not bear him being with someone else, knowing that this next woman would be raped and abused.
I can’t see a situation where OP will ever leave him, sadly. It’s very, very sad.

I can’t risk anyone else hearing . Still can’t stand the idea of people in my life finding out. Maybe I’ll do it in another room not the main room just incase

I won’t tell him I stopped , I just won’t mention it

thanks for saying , it’s ok to be blunt I wish I was more blunt!

It would break their hearts yes. I don’t want them to ever know

I’m glad you’re going to continue the therapy. It may be better to do the online sessions from your phone, rather than a laptop. Do it from one of the children’s bedrooms. Keep it weekly for now. I know I keep going on about it, but do call the DA helpline back. I knew he’d start going on about costs. I reread your posts and you mentioned he’d had therapy for 6 months, so he’s well aware of how long it takes.

This is overwhelming. I got propanolol from my GP which was helpful when my heart was racing. Keep taking notes.
Please speak to your friend, if you didn’t manage to do it last night.

I know you think this man loves you, OP, but you have to come to terms with the fact that what he calls ‘love’ is wanting to possess.

I was told ‘I love you’ regularly during my childhood by my abusive F, who was sexually abusing my DSis and me. Did he love us? He probably believed himself that he did, but his idea of love was very warped.

He was seemingly very loving to my DM, but looking back he was very controlling and emotionally abusive. He used to accuse her of infidelity constantly (he once accused her to me of it).

It really is confusing when you’re constantly told that someone loves you, but the ‘love’ is warped. As my F later became very disabled from Parkinson’s Disease, and died relatively early (I was 28), the memories were long buried for both me and my DSis and we even grieved for him. (Although I also felt relief, which was very confusing.)

It’s been a heck of a lot for my DM to process, since we told her. The memories came back when we had small DC. She’s been very supportive, but it’s been devastating.

You really need to think about your DC in this. I am NOT saying your H will target them in any way, but think about what they’re learning about what a loving relationship looks like. My DSis ended up in an abusive marriage, though thankfully she now has a very loving second DH and a family.

I’m really glad that you’re keeping up with the therapy, OP.

please dont feel that you have have to run to the beat of anyione elses tune on this thread. Ive been here longer than I wish to remember and it has been an incredible support to myself, in recognising things I would never have considered abuse from my past, but also in watching the unwavering support offered to women, long term, over multiple threads, for multiple years. Those who are likely to get frustrated soon move on, but there will be a core of women who will be happy to handhold as we all know it can take years in some cases.

It can be really overwhelming. You are at one of the hardest points though, and the fact you are continuing with the therapy shows that you have your children's and your own MH at the fore - I dont believe you are going to sweep it under the carpet again now. But its hard because it involves reframing an awful lot, and undoing years of beliefs. At the moment you are beginning to see the cracks. Your body is ahead of you, but you are still sticking to the stories that your brain has told you to keep you safe.

Its a forward moving process for you, because although you would love to go back to a place in the past, before you knew, you cant. Once the veil has been lifted, you cannot unsee, and it will drive you mad to try - hence the reasons for starting the thread. Many of us have been there, many of us have supported others who have been there. You remind me so much of my friend, a very similar situation. So I wont say Ive never seen a man like your OH before, because I have, and my mother has a friend who also had a husband who was pretty similar. I dont think its helpful to frame him as the most terrible person people have seen. He is a man who has taken advantaged and has used his age and authority to mould what he wants. I would suggest that in the past it was far more common.

And in a way thats a good thing, because it shows multiple women have left men like this. Even my friend managed to do it, and once a good solicitor was involved and she could defer all his manipulation to a third party, it turned out there was very little left he could do, despite him originally having almost god like status in her eyes.

I’m really sorry OP if I made you feel unable to continue posting - like another poster I am quite blunt and appreciate that may not have been helpful. I’m really proud of you for planning to continue counselling and hope you continue to feel able to post on here for support and reassurance x

No you don’t need to apologise . It was not aimed at anyone in particular. I just felt like people were probably getting fed up of offering their heartfelt advice and me seemingly not to take it. And that I was letting my kids down. That’s all

Thank you for sharing your story and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I appreciate the supportive message.

He definitely believes that he loves me, but maybe his version of love is very problematic

He’s got a lot of emotional issues and he’s done some therapy himself over the years . It’s helped with some things but not others , clearly.

Remember as well OP that therapy is based on what the patient discloses only.

It’s staggeringly unlikely he’s ever going to tell a counsellor that he has raped and sexually assaulted his wife a number of times and regularly coerces her into sex.

He would say ‘I take care of the family finances’ rather than saying ‘I’ve denied her request for a joint account and told her it’s not possible when it is’ etc.

So he won’t be able to get help that will solve the problems that are causing the worst of his abuse, as he will do anything not to reveal to the therapist he is abusive.

I might encourage him to go to therapy, whilst recognising that he's probably just posturing and isn't serious about going. There is no way he will be honest. There's always a chance that the therapist susses him out anyway (I would, as I suspect a lot of other therapists on this thread would). It may be helpful to you to appear to him to buy into the idea that he has a problem. It might also support you to hold boundaries with him. On the other hand, if the therapist falls for his lies, he will be emboldened and say 'my therapist says it's not okay for you to withdraw sex and affection'. It's okay not to oppose him, as long as it doesn't negatively affect you. He's not the most important person here - you are.

Pink poets his idea of love is control and ownership and him being the centre - that isn’t love

There are studies that show that abusive men don't change. Even with therapy it's about 10% or lower that change. And that's with help specifically designed for men who abuse.

Individual therapy won't stop this. Sex offending has one of the highest recidivism rates and it is a pernicious behaviour.

I don't say that to hurt you OP, I say it because I don't want you to have any magical thinking about therapy for him. It won't work, he won't stop pressuring you. Your choices don't include that choice.

Completely agree with this.

Abusive men don’t change. My ex h now spends his time shouting at and belittling his affair partner instead of me.

My dc who are teens have asked her why she puts up with it and why she doesn’t leave.

On this note @ByPinkPoet0 you say you are worried about eventually splitting the family unit.

My older dd found it hard when we’d split and blamed me. Now that she’s 19 she’s really proud I did not put up with her dad’s shit. She’s proud I can provide and I’ve showed her not to be grateful for the bare minimum ( if that). Based on that sentiment, although she’s a very pretty girl with lots of boys asking her out. she hasn’t said yes as her standards are set high and she’s focussing on her studies.

OP I'm so sorry, my dog shit analogy was harsh.

I've been where you are and it broke me. I don't date, I can't. I've also missed my chance to have children. I've had some jobs done in my flat. I propped the front door open the whole time as I was scared to be alone in my flat with men I didn't know. Poor buggers just came to lay a carpet but I still couldn't relax.

That relationship was nearly 20yrs ago. I'm a hollowed out shell.

Mine had an affair as well. He thought I didn't know. I never said a word, I just let her have him. Silly girl married him five months later. She got more than she bargained for there. She didn't care about shagging what she thought was a normal bloke behind his partner's back. I'm not sure the punishment fits the crime though. One of the rare cases when the OW is the hero of the piece. That could have been my life.....

A friend of mine very carefully explained that what had happened to me was rape. I couldn't get my head round it at first either. He R or SA me at least twice a week, including in my sleep. The majority of sex I've had in my life has been rape. Let that sink in.

He also tried to shag me in front of his toddler and pushed me off the couch for refusing sex when his teenage daughter was just upstairs.

He's a fucking monster.

I’m so sorry, that really is horrific. You’ve been through so much.

And I also wanted to tell you that I think your dog shit analogy, although harsh, was very apt.

I hoped it might get OP to the conclusion that took me too long to reach. I want her to have the life she should have and get away from him.

The dynamics in these relationships are complex, confusing and way beyond the realms of normality. They leave a stain on your soul. If I can shock even one person into understanding what's happening to them, my experience won't be wasted.

These men are dangerous. Mine tried unsuccessfully to implicate me in several crimes, all of which carry a decent prison sentence. I must have had a guardian angel helping me swerve all of that.

Towards the end, every time I called him out he'd shake his head and say ''you're too clever for me, you always know what I'm trying to do to you'' and wander off.

I'd known this bloke for years. We went to school together and reconnected in our 30s. You never really know someone.......

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that happened to you ❤️

sometimes I feel so so scared and other times completely normal. I think I’m really good at masking it .

you don’t need to apologise , my emotions are all over the place. I appreciate that people are just trying to help.

If you don’t mind can I ask.. outside of the horrific SA’s was he kind and caring to you? A good partner? This is what I’m finding such a head f*.
He is never horrible to me and is actually such a ‘nice guy’ . If I didn’t know it happened I would struggle to believe my own memories

The sleep thing is tricky to process as well. I can’t be sure how many times it’s happened but I know there are at least a few times when I’ve woken up to sex happening. I didn’t know this was SA until I wrote it on here.

Have you read any of the news reports about Gisele Pelicot? Her husband drugged and raped her with others over many years. She had no idea anything was wrong and described him as the perfect husband. Dozens of local "ordinary" men were involved. A similar case in the UK recently and online networks of hundreds of thousands of men sharing stories and images of raping their wives when they were asleep. This is all so horrific but it also shows that a lot of men do this or want to do this and their partners may be completely unaware.

I don't say this to scare you further but just to highlight that so called "perfect" marriages are often far from it.