Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

No CB . He pays for mortgage , bills and outgoings , phones , car , petrol , nursery etc

I think I know the answer to this but would you feel comfortable challenging the "money is tight" narrative by asking why, if it is indeed tight, was he going on about having another baby a few weeks ago?

He is lying to you. He is trying to stop you doing therapy because he doesn't want you to get help. He knows full well that any therapist is going to immediately see the abuse he is inflicting on you and will support you to break free of his control. You are an adult- you should know your financial situation as well as him but he is just using it as another tool to control you. Please please please dont let him stop you going. You need access to your accounts, there is literally no reasonable explanation for why you cant. You keep saying he is not inflicting domestic abuse on you and he is so great etc etc- I know this is not really getting through to you but im going to say it again so you can read it again- he is a rapist. He is NOT a good man. He has manipulated you into thinking he is, even while he rapes you and coercively controls you. I dont think you answered this when it was asked earlier- but how would you feel if one of your children was being raped and abused by someone who they kept claiming was a good man? Try and imagine one of your precious children in this situation. Its horrible to consider but it seems like you basically consider yourself unimportant and your safety as secondary to everyone else's needs, so maybe that idea will help you see it more clearly?

A good dad? Who wants them to be safe?

OP. One of your precious, innocent children was in your stomach when he raped you while you cried. I can’t think of many worse starts to being a father. Raping their crying mother. so much upset and stress that is passed on to the child.

He then routinely got angry with them for crying, like all babies do, if it interrupted sex, swearing and sulking and expecting you to immediately settle them then continue to allow him to have sex with you until he finished.

He regularly pesters their mum for sex when she has told him she’s upset about the previous rapes and sexual assaults. He has continued to coerce their mum into sex she doesn’t want to have, in the family home.

He restricts their mum’s life and freedoms by not even allowing her to have the ongoing counselling she needs, despite her being incredibly anxious and confused due to his behaviour. Having a mother who is unwell is never good for children. He is the cause of you being unwell.

It’s devastating reading you calling him a good dad. When you read my post, do you really still think that’s what he is?

he would not even have considered the financial situation when he made the comment about the new baby , he likes the part where we make the baby and he loves me being pregnant

and then the ‘bubble’ of having a newborn and everyone being blissfully happy

money wouldn’t have come into it . It was just a throwaway comment really probably he thought I wanted to hear it!

and then the ‘bubble’ of having a newborn and everyone being blissfully happy

It wasn’t “blissfully happy” though, was it OP? This was your description of him when you had newborns:

It looked like trying to carry on for a bit while the baby cried , then giving up as the mood was ruined (obviously) and then a loud ‘for fucks sake’ , stomping off and then once the baby settled going again. It’s like once he’s started he can’t stop , he’s always been like that.

He is a dangerous man. I am frightened for you.

His assertion that money is tight is the perfect segue into you having access and information. Perfect.

You need to see it and have access to it. If he was run over by a bus tomorrow you'd be utterly messed up.

But I suspect there will me more excuses and reasons you can't have access to finances. Or therapy.

@Rubes24 of course I would be devastated if this was one of the children. Of course I would . But it’s not - it’s me and I am trying but it’s really hard.

@throwawayimplantchat no , what you’ve written does not spell out a good person at all. I fully accept that all that is all very wrong. But (I know I shouldn’t say but) they are moments out of a life . Same as sex when they baby was crying was moments out of an otherwise happy time. I just can’t see to overlook all the good for the bad . I’m sorry , I feel he deserves a fair representation of how he is

“You said money is tight which I didn’t really realise. That and us not having a joint account has made me realise that I don’t really have any idea about the family finances. I want us to be a team. Let’s set up a joint account and go through finances together so we can work out where we can improve things.”

Can you think of a single good reason he could give for saying no? When he says no, which he will, remember that.

You don’t have to apologise to me, I know you’re incredibly confused at the moment and what we are telling you is overwhelming.

But in the snapshot of a good man’s life, there wouldn’t be one single sexual assault. Let alone rape. Let alone of a crying pregnant woman.

He is not a good man. You are living with a monster and he’s brainwashed you into believing he looks after you. He controls you. He restricts you. He abuses you.

He is a dangerous man. Men who have ever sexually assaulted anyone are dangerous. Men who have ever raped someone are dangerous. Men who have raped crying, pregnant women are monsters.

Yes I know all that. He likes you pregnant and dependent on him. But you didn't answer my question. My point is, it gives you a way in to ask a perfectly reasonable question. Are you comfortable doing that? If not, why not?

We all have a better measure of what type of man he is than you seem to do or seem to be willing to actually see, we don’t need a fair representation of him and actually a fair representation of him is a rapist and abusive husband. You’ve had fantastic and caring advice here and all you’re doing is defending him and his awful behaviour. He could be the most amazing human 99.9% of the time but if he raped me ever never mind when I was pregnant, crying and he knew I couldn’t defend myself and then claimed he forgot it, that is the one defining moment and act that I would base my entire future life decisions on, not one to let go of because he makes a great cup of coffee or something.

yes - this is good advice and I will ask him
thank you

I will phrase it like this , thank you for your help

I have re read some of my replies and I realise this is probably really difficult for some people to read and it might be triggering. It comes across that I am totally naive . Trust me I am well aware I’m making excuses for him and being a bit pathetic.

I think I will move away from posting here and maybe just write my feelings in my phone notes instead . That way people won’t get frustrated with my lack of backbone but I still have the outlet .

Thank you everyone for your support ❤️ I’ll post if there is any significant updates

You are not pathetic and we are not frustrated. Please do not become inward facing. We make a choice to read and comment on your posts. People can leave the thread if they want to. I think I can speak for most here and say we support you and we want to help you, we will listen without judging x

Also it’s nothing to do with a backbone - people who stay are equally as brave as the ones that chose to leave.

If you need listening ear, my dm’s are always open but think you have great support on this thread

Some of us that have experienced abuse and domestic violence have taken years to leave. Please don’t put yourself down x

Ok thank you xx I just hate the thought that people are rolling their eyes like she’s defending him again

I might take you up on the message at some stage. There are other things that have happened I’m trying to work up to sharing with my therapist but I can’t write them here as they are too outing

@ByPinkPoet0 I promise no one is rolling their eyes and I am happy to be a listening ear or whatever you need. I don’t want you to isolate yourself, it’s the worst thing that can happen in your position and I want to protect you from this. Keep using your voice and I hope you are ok, sending you a hug x

@ByPinkPoet , please continue posting here, nearly all of us want to support and help you to work your way through your husband's appalling treatment of you. (And it IS appalling)

We care about you, even if sometimes what we say might be uncomfortable for you to read.

I would be careful about how much you start to challenge him re finances and his comments about trying for another baby. Obviously in an ideal world you could ask the questions re finances, however I worry he will escalate if he starts to sense that you’re acting differently.

I have to agree with others that he is one of the most dangerous and calculated men I’ve read about (and I say that as a Social Worker who reads domestic homicide reviews regularly).

I think you need to develop a safety plan. Don’t answer these questions if you think it’ll be outing but I’d consider the following:

if you have your own car, stash some money and a spare phone in there in case you need to get away urgently.

can you hide a spare phone somewhere in the house in case of emergencies, in the event he takes yours? Maybe in a bathroom so you can lock yourself in if you need to dial 999.

can you unlock your house doors from inside without a key? If not, hide a key to an external door somewhere so you can always physically escape.

change all your passwords, even if you don’t think he knows them.

always know where your car keys are. Again, if you have your own car maybe hide the spare key so he can’t take it.

re kitchen knives, can you lock large ones away in a garage or shed so they are not easily accessible in the house? Same with any tools or anything else which could be used as a weapon (even heavy objects). Try to be discreet if you do this.

I don’t mean to alarm you, but I really do believe you’re at incredibly high risk. This type of coercive control means he is a high risk perpetrator and more likely to escalate if he realises he is losing control over you. He sees you as a possession and these types of perpetrators are more likely to cause serious harm or commit homicide when they escalate. It doesn’t matter that you don’t think he’s violent (although I don’t agree that rape is ever not violent).

if you do end up telling a friend or relative about what’s going on, maybe agree with them a code word you can text or call them with, as a signal for them to dial 999.

I wish you all the best. Keep reaching out for support and definitely continue with the therapy. I truly hope you and your children keep safe.

Imagine going to a top restaurant. The kind of place you can only afford for special occasions. You order your favourite dish. It's expensive but it's your birthday/anniversary so you're going to splash out.

When it arrives it looks amazing.......then you notice a spoon full of dog shit on the top of it.

Are you still going to eat it?

I mean, you can eat around the dog shit or scrape it off and still pretend this is the best meal you've ever had.

How much dog shit would it take OP for you to finally accept this is not the best meal you've ever had? It is in fact the worst meal you've ever had.

I haven't posted on this thread yet but have read OP"s posts. I completely get why you're confused and don't know what to do. I can't offer any advice but keep posting.

@Elanol in the op’s world at the moment there is a real confusion of feelings and this is because she is on the edge of a realisation that is very hard to accept. I think at the moment it’s best to help her come to this realisation with some gentleness and empathy. We are on the outside so it’s easy for us to see it in black or white. A lot of abused women see their situation is wrong but they feel so powerless. So I think this thread is more to support the journey of the op in a safe and supportive way. I was in an abusive relationship and I honestly could not see a way out, all I saw were obstacles and the feeling of powerlessness bred more of it until inside me one day I did think, ok it’s enough I am done.

I would have to agree with all of what @Sunflower07 says. This is advice to keep you safe @ByPinkPoet0

In line with this and what your husband is saying about counselling maybe you can do something where you don’t completely back down? Say okay then but can I go once a month? Then ask your parents to lend you the money and you continue with therapy. He will losen the reigns a bit as he will think he is “safe” and you continue to get help x

Then when you are ready maybe we can help you plan a safe exit plan? No pressure, your own time when you are ready x