Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I think that’s probably because therapy is less anonymous and face to face, and you are talking about difficult things so don’t beat yourself up for finding it hard! You also have only been a couple of times and not to the same person, so you need time to build trust.

Just remember that the point of therapy is to help you and your own mental health, this is not about reporting what your husband has done. This jumped out at me:

“I have therapy again today. I am going to try and open up more about the times when I have clearly not consented , rather than consented reluctantly as I feel the second one is hard to explain and easily misunderstood.”

The therapy is for you to work through what you feel about all of this, so why edit what you share particularly around the more confusing parts that seem ‘grey areas’ to you? Surely that’s important to explore? This isn’t about putting something on the record, in therapy you could even share your most irrational and unfair thoughts if you like, because this is entirely about you and your feelings. Hopefully with time you will feel more safe opening up.

Yes I think I just worry that they will think I’m an idiot or a bad mum for putting up with it if I detail all the issues including in my sessions

as some posters (quite rightly) have said. Not that I’m a bad mum exactly but that I’m letting them down by not protecting them

i worry the therapist will think this too

but I will continue . I feel at least I’m doing something to try and take care of myself :)

Don’t worry about the therapist.
They are trained professionals and judgement is not what they do.
Whoever it is won’t think you are a bad mum at all.

ByPinkPoet0

Not perfect - at all, but we were happy.
Was that before or after he raped you?

We’ve literally just bought a beautiful house and everything felt really settled until now.
You can have your own beautiful house without him.

I am so sorry I know so many of you are urging me to leave but I just don't want to be without him.
There's an alternative outcome I don't think you've seen yet. The option where you find a loving, decent man to spend the rest of your life with.

I still can’t think of it as DV because it’s not violent.
DV doesn't have to be physical violence.

Plus he’s be furious that I am teetering on the edge of ruining all our lives
He ruined your lives.

Consented reluctantly
No such thing. Consent is only ever given willingly and/or enthusiastically.

He said he feels bad he is always the one instigating and he’s sorry he’s a pest. Not that I think that makes up for it but at least he’s aware .
Oh he's well aware of it. One night where he doesn't try to have sex does not indicate radical or lasting change.

You're married to a man who raped you and abuses you. That's not love OP. It's closer to hate.

I'm going to tell you something that people don't really talk about. When you leave this relationship it will hurt. To begin with it will hurt more than being with him did. You must push through that initial phase. It's part of why it often takes several attempts before you leave permanently.

The nice version of him is not real. It's what abusers do to keep you hooked. You think it's real and if you could just be the perfect partner you can draw it out of him permanently. You can't....but you'll probably keep trying.

It's the cycle of abuse.

OP a few decades ago Women’s Aid and governments widened their definition of DV because they recognised that abuse takes many forms and doesn’t necessarily include violence/bruising in the way you are interpreting it. So the term domestic violence is not used, it’s domestic abuse. It takes the form of emotional abuse, financial control etc. If you call that helpline they will not instigate an intervention. It’s for you to speak about what’s going on in your life, like calling the Samaritans. I suggested it because I think you will get to a place where you’ll say the therapy costs too much and will stop attending.

Keep going with the therapy. Write some things down if that’s easier than saying it out loud. You deserve to find some peace.

I'm absolutely terrified that you'll make the decision to stay and something really, really bad will happen to you and/or your children, @ByPinkPoet

Me too 😔

A man capable of raping his heavily pregnant, crying wife is capable of almost anything I think. It’s chilling.

I hope your session was helpful today OP and that you felt able to be honest with the counsellor about the constant pressuring and coercive behaviour as well as the rape and sexual assaults themselves.

Your children are not safe living under the same roof as this dynamic.

OP, I know you are grappling with a lot of things that you are only now realising are very far from healthy. I’m afraid I’m going to throw another into the mix.

I don’t believe a very intense, can’t live without each other relationship is a healthy, adult relationship dynamic. I know it seems romantic, but it’s not, it makes you feel utterly dependent on him and excuses his terrible actions.

A healthy relationship is where you love each deeply, trust and respect each other completely, but recognise that it’s not unconditional and you could survive alone.

this totally. At my most dysfunctional I would have turned myself inside out for the nice crumbs from the narcissistic, subtly abusive men I fell for, and when it broke I was bereft and felt I could have done anything, put up with anything, to be back with them, even though the hurt when with them was also unbearable at times, I was still thinking back to the lovely times. I really felt that this was what love was.

But it isnt. Love is safe. But love also knows that there are a great many people one could be in love with. Its quite easy really. And now Im with my partner who I want to be with. But I know that although Id be sad if we broke up, I wont die. I can live without him, and he can live without me. But we choose not to.

This is reassuring . Thank you.
he has said this afternoon that money is quite tight at the moment and I won’t be able to go on with therapy so regularly . I have been doing weekly so far either in person or online.

todays session was good I did it while he was at work on the computer. She was very understanding and we spoke about the unhealthy dynamic a few people have mentioned.

@BuckChuckets @throwawayimplantchat
please don’t be concerned about me I don’t want to cause anyone any worry!
I am ok - mentally not really but I am physically safe at the moment - truly.

the kids are my number 1 priority and I promise I would act if I thought anything bad was going to happen to them. He really wouldn’t, I know it’s hard to believe with what I’ve said but you only know the bad things I’ve written here. In reality there are so many reasons why he’s a brilliant dad day to day and they really do love him. He wants them to be safe and happy just as much as I do .

but I promise if I thought that changed I would take action

OP I think this is a good opportunity to say again that you want full access to the financials. I don’t believe money is tight - he doesn’t want you talking to anyone because then he loses control of you.
It’s both of your me ey not just his and he doesn’t get to make decisions about how it’s spent without consulting you and sharing the information fully.

Also to add, based on your last post, I’m also not convinced that he knows what ‘safe and happy’ is. I’m sorry, I know this is hard but he doesn’t have yours or your DC’s interests at heart - only his.

But it’s fine if bad things are happening to you/their mother?

We’ve been happy for vast majority of the relationship which is what makes it so hard for me to process , the therapist agreed with this.

in my head I’m trying to rationalise by thinking - why should a few incidents of bad behaviour undo all the wonderful parts of him/us. I feel on some level like that’s not fair on him.

you are right that I am scared that separating would hurt so so much I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. In the past when we split I was talking about not wanting to live without him. And that was before children/house and everything. It would be even harder now.

The therapist mentioned the cycle I will read up on it .

You’re not physically safe OP - you’re being raped and sexually abused on a regular basis.

Money is tight, that old chestnut. This is your opportunity to raise access to a joint account again. What would happen if he was run over by a bus tomorrow? How would you access the accounts?

I would stress that the therapy is helping you and you do not want to stop it. Your therapist thinks 10 sessions at the very least will be necessary.

‘A few incidents of bad behaviour’ is not taking the bins out or leaving crumbs on the side. It is not raping, gaslighting, manipulating and abusing your wife.

I could’ve told you this was coming. Money is
not tight; he is controlling who you talk to about the relationship because he knows exactly what he is and unfortunately you can’t see it as you’re stuck in the cycle of abuse. But others aren’t, and he knows this. That’s why he’s stopping you doing therapy.

I’m sorry OP I know you’re vulnerable but your kids are not your number 1 priority here. You are choosing to keep them living under the same roof as the most dangerous man I have ever read about on this site over many years.

He might not do anything physically to them (but I’m sure there was a time when you thought he wouldn’t rape you either) but he is damaging them probably beyond repair with the environment they are growing up in. You think he’s a good dad. He’s not.

He’s out tonight but I’ve written a message saying I really need to continue with the therapy and I can ask to borrow some money from my parents if necessary to cover it. I would tell them it was stress/overwhelm.

he won’t like that idea so he might agree to continue paying for it. I do earn a salary but that mainly goes on food shop, kids activities, general spending money

Im going to ask my friend if we can speak on the phone tonight ❤️

I wish it was that simple but I do get why you’re saying it. I would probably say the same if I wasn’t living it

this is part of the reason why I’m scared to tell people about this in real life because I think they will jump to conclusions about what type of dad he is and assume the children aren’t safe. He’s not always treating me well but my children are well looked after and loved I promise. I’m so sorry if it sounds like I’m covering for him but it’s the truth.

its more complicated than it sounds when I write it down. It’s not just - he assaults me and he’s an awful man and father. It just doesn’t play out like that in real life. There are many sides of a person .

So your salary buys the food and kids activities?? What does his (larger) salary pay for? Where does the child benefit get paid into - or don’t you claim CB?

What would happen you think, if you told him you don’t want to have sex for a while (not giving him a specific period) because you need some time to yourself and do therapy?

It seems like it’ll just get worse mentally while you go over these traumatic experiences and at the same time need to hold off your husband. You’d think he would have the decency to keep his hands to himself after you’ve told him. He needs therapy too, if he’s mentioned he’s got an addiction which affects you.

The money being tight comment is not a good sign! Please stick with it, if you do anything, do that!

I think you’re incredibly brave, you must be an amazing mum who would do anything for her kids. I hope you’ll get some peace x