Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Please call the Domestic Abuse Helpline today 0800 027 1234 when this latest incident is in your mind. Continue with your therapist, but he won’t know about these other calls and he’s not having to pay for them (using his words here).

Start noting these incidents down and all the other things that have been pointed out to you as coercive control.

You could start a new thread if you are worried about this being found. Call the title something random like Poets or something like that, and we’ll know it’s you.

Please don't beat yourself up for that. I also left and went back several times. Even now I have odd moments of wanting to go back. Trauma bonds and emotional abuse etc are so complex, I don't think I'll ever fully understand it. But I believe on average it takes something like 7 attempts to actually leave them for good. So you're definitely not alone in that.

I wanted to agree with what was said upthread about the 'fawn' response to trauma. I worked through this with my own therapist a long time ago. I would really reccomend you looking it up, its very real and you might find that it resonates with you and helps you understand your responses a bit better. Chat GPT has summarised it for me like this:

A fawn response is one of the lesser-known trauma/stress responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze.
It means trying to stay safe by pleasing others.

In simple terms:
When someone feels threatened (emotionally or physically), instead of fighting back, running away, or shutting down, they:
Appease the other person
Avoid conflict at all costs
Put others’ needs above their own
Try to be “good”, agreeable, or helpful to stay safe

What it can look like:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Over-apologising
Struggling to express needs or boundaries
Being very sensitive to others’ moods
Fear of upsetting people or being disliked
Why it happens:
It often develops in environments where:
Conflict felt unsafe
Love or approval was conditional
You had to “keep the peace” to avoid harm, anger, or rejection

So your brain learned: “If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe.”

Important nuance:
It’s not a personality flaw — it’s an adaptive survival strategy. It can be really helpful in the short term, but over time it can lead to:
Burnout
Resentment
Loss of sense of self

@ByPinkPoet0 none of this is your fault and I agree with PP that you’ve learned that keeping the peace is easier, which means his needs come first.
He may not have been obviously angry that many times (you said you struggle to remember there being a lot), but the times there were, were scary, aggressive and enough to make you leave. I suspect that some of his overt anger was a result of drinking, but not all and his anger now is still there and you fear it being unleashed if he doesn’t get his way.
Is he controlling with your children? What if they don’t behave how he wants them to? Does he tend to get his own way at work?
I think this is who he is - a bully and a rapist (I know you find that word difficult) who presents a charming face to the world, but has a much darker personality lurking under that facade.
Again, I’m sorry you are going through this, but am hopeful for your future - the fact that you have realised things aren’t right and have posted here and started therapy are huge achievements already.

Gosh, yes. My mum did this with my dad and tried to make me do it. It's a way of keeping the peace.

OP, your husband has replaced one bad behaviour when he was drinking and angry with another one. He's stopped kicking off at you but he's raping you instead. He is still controlling you with the threat of violence.

This is like reading a description of my personality.
thank you it is helpful , I didn’t know it was a thing
very much true that I avoid conflict . In all areas of life really

OP we are proud of you and we care. Please do not delete this thread. He won’t find it. Keep coming back for support. This is years and years of abuse that need undoing. Even share this thread with your therapist. Delete browser history and you’ll be okay.

I hope you can keep going with the therapy OP, there’s a lot to talk about. It’s sickening how he’s got you dancing to his tune, putting him first all the time.
You are an important person in your own right and your preferences and opinions are just as valid as his.

My version of events doesn’t match his
OP in your version he raped you. I don't think any man would freely admit to a serious crime that carries prison time.

It was years ago
Several years ago a bloke we knew was convicted of rape and went to prison. He'd originally been arrested for an unrelated crime. However, his DNA then flagged up as a match for a woman who'd been raped in the 1990s. It was treated with the same level of severity as if it happened last week. It doesn't fizzle out and expire over time.

It feels pointless trying to put off intimacy it just creates an atmosphere
Coercive sex is rape under UK law. You are not deemed to be giving consent if you do it to avoid punishment. Rape doesn't need to be violent. It's any sex that you didn't fully consent to.

Yes, they work but you shouldn't be using anything to cope with your marriage. You should be using tools to help you leave, not stay.

My GP refused me sleeping tablets. She said it was unethical to help me stay with an abusive man. I was fuming at the time but she was right to do it. It took a while for me to appreciate the tough love. Next time I saw her she asked about him. The look of relief on her face when I said it was over.

Thank you ❤️
to answer your question about the children he’s pretty good. He can sometimes lack a bit of patience and get angry with them , shouting and stomping around. But most of the time he’s a really good dad and they have great fun with him.

I think as a person he is very affected by stress. If he’s stressed by work or being late for work or something he can fly off the handle but if things are going smoothly he’s very calm and pleasant person .

Thank you for this.
I remind myself everyday that what happened was very serious and I’m allowed to feel upset about it.
However, I won’t be going to the police or anything. I don’t know a lot about how law works but I do know that allegations which are basically my word against yours, years later and (I can imagine) particularly in a long term marriage do not usually work out will for for victim. I’m sure they would take it seriously but I wouldn’t cope with questioning of every tiny detail when sometimes I can hardly believe it happened myself.

A very calm and pleasant man unless his wife says no to sex and then he has to coerce or rape her. A lovely man alright.

Well yes, this is why I am so confused and don’t know what I’m going to get day to day

You also say that he can get shouty, at you and at the kids. ThT he can throw things in anger. You've said before that you try to keep him happy. This doesn't sound lovely day to day either tbh.

I actually wouldn't underestimate the impact that this behaviour can have on your kids. I absolutely adored my Dad, and he was often great fun, kind and warm. However his mood could change abruptly and he could 'fly off the handle', shout and create an incredibly unpleasant atmosphere. As a child I was very scared of him in those moments and there was a sense that you were never quite sure which Dad you would get. Some days the normal noise and mess of a home with 3 kids wouldnt bother him, other days he would storm around slamming doors and shouting. My mum would tell us that he was just very stressed with work (which im sure he was), but i dont think she really understood what years of that inconsistent behaviour could do to us. His moods seemed to dictate everything, everyone sort of ended up trying to appease him to avoid him getting cross. If im honest, the whole family seemed to revolve around him. My whole life I have had issues with being honest about my feelings, putting others needs before my own, and being very conflict adverse. I have also suffered from anxiety my whole life and I truly think that being on edge as a child is a big reason for this. I wouldnt have even been able to articulate any of this as a child, and I certainly wouldnt have criticised my Dad but I think its worth considering that children do pick up on more than we know and family dynamics do stay with them. They will be absorbing your dynamic as a couple and they may well be mirroring your strategy of appeasing your husband to stay safe/ keep the peace. I hope that makes sense- weirdly I actually still find this hard to write about or post X

Thank you for sharing ❤️ it does sound quite similar to my situation . I think my childhood was quite similar and now it’s repeating itself.

It is tricky though because splitting up would also cause them damage and they would probably end up blaming me in the future as they would never know the real reason obviously. This would be a big worry for me.

They may be initially upset by the split, but they will appreciate a more peaceful life. The situation as it is now will cause them damage in the long term. Kids pick up on things and they will sense that something isn’t right. As they get older they will know this. If you can manage to leave him you are giving them a better, more stable future and showing them that they don’t deserve to be in toxic relationships.

I hope you can continue on your journey to opening your eyes and really seeing this awful man.
I've just read your whole thread and it’s terrifying how many times in the last 3 weeks that he has coerced you (which means raped) in the space of this thread, alone. You have found the strength to tell him your trauma over his previous rape of you and his response is to continue to rape you.
He can’t even wait 1 week before forcing himself on you, knowing you are so upset and in therapy over it. Is this love?
Any half decent human could go at least a month (the length of this thread) without even asking his traumatised wife for sex.
Do you really think anything that you do can save a relationship with someone as awful as that?

I can understand that you worry they would be upset if you left, but you would be protecting them as well as yourself. Its interesting that you say they would blame you- why do you think that? Is it because you think your husband would try and turn them against you? Or is it just that you are so used to blaming yourself for everything that you feel that they would to? I really think some of this is worth talking to your therapist about and challenging. X

I believe that they wouldn’t know the real reason , I couldn’t imagine everyone knowing, he would tell everyone that it’s my fault .

and I always blame myself - they are both true !

You forget how powerful you are here. You might not realise it but you hold all the cards here.

He blames you, you go to the police. Even if a prosecution doesn't get anywhere, an investigation will be pretty life changing for him.

Just to be clear, I absolutely thank you should go to the police anyway, because from what you told us he's committed a very serious crime. He should be terrified that you might exercise that right. He is relying on your good will that you won't. Goodwill that might run out if he tries to turn the kids against you. He'd be a very stupid man to risk that.

It doesn’t feel like it right now but thank you so much for the supportive message

OP I've noticed that when you want to minimise something you (probably unconsciously) say 'a bit'. He can get 'a bit' shouty, 'a bit' scary, 'a bit' forceful. I think if you re-examined how he was acting and how you felt every time you say 'a bit', you might realise that there weren't small incidents at all.

Yes - very true. I feel like i am going more than ‘a bit’ insane.

to be perfectly honest I can feel myself covering this over a bit more everyday. It’s easier . I find myself thinking if I could just be braver, stronger, get through how I’m feeling and improve my anxiety then everything will be ok. And go back to how things were. Not perfect - at all, but we were happy. We’ve literally just bought a beautiful house and everything felt really settled until now.

he is reminding me every day all the things I love so much about him. We have so much intense love in our 15 year history it’s been a very intense relationship all along but we always felt like we couldn’t live without each other and I still feel like that.

I am so sorry I know so many of you are urging me to leave but I just dont want to be without him.

@shoppingred54 i did call the DA helpline a few days ago but when I get through I just said I’m sorry I actually don’t think this is the right place for me. I still can’t think of it as DV because it’s not violent. I felt like a fraud speaking to them. And maybe I am used to it but I just feel like that’s a can of worms I can’t put back once I’ve opened it. There is absolutely no going back once you’ve made that call and contacted agencies about being abused or DV. Plus he’s be furious that I am teetering on the edge of ruining all our lives .

I have therapy again today. I am going to try and open up more about the times when I have clearly not consented , rather than consented reluctantly as I feel the second one is hard to explain and easily misunderstood.

Last night in bed DH did not initiate anything (unusual) and gave me a cuddle (very unusual without some sort of initiation) . He said he feels bad he is always the one instigating and he’s sorry he’s a pest. Not that I think that makes up for it but at least he’s aware .

sorry for the long message.
I don’t know why I’m writing this apart from this is the only place I can freely express my feelings . I still don’t feel like that about therapy yet I find it so uncomfortable still .