Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

@Hoover123

I don’t know. I’ll try and keep it brief and not too graphic as I cringe a bit writing it out
he woke me early kind of pressing into my back and saying how up for it he is , I said no I’m tired , but as it was the same kind of ‘position’ as the time he forced it so I’m starting to feel quite anxious
then a lot of ‘please please I just want you so much etc etc’ follows and I just say ok

then he goes for it, from behind which reminds me of the other incident .

it makes me feel sad all day but technically I agreed . He would probably say it’s kind of confusing for him from my side. No/ yes and do on… I need to get a bit better at saying what I mean but it’s hard

i rewrote this so many times but that’s the gist of it

Thank you @DoesthislookgoodOnMe for the support.

@ByPinkPoet0 so sorry to hear this.
i know you must half felt frozen and genuinely so tired … next time try and just get out of bed. I get completely what happened, this kind of scenario does happen but in a normal consensual relationship you could have said no, he could have agreed and just given you a hug.

This is horrific. As I said before, he is getting off on your reluctance. He knows you don't want to have sex and is enjoying his power over you. Completely despicable. If you can't say "no, just fuck off" then move your body- get yourself out of the bed and as far away from him as possible.

It seems so, like it seems very transactional to me .

I find it very hard to do anything like move away but I can try next time
this sort of thing has happened before . Sometimes before I’m awake or in the night

im just on high alert now I think

You have made a point here of adding ‘when people have been unwell or had babies’

I would like to add that we often don’t have sex for months - because I don’t want to.

Not because I’m ill or bereaved or anything big. Just because I don’t want to. And DH doesn’t say a word. Just waits until I am ready.

I am spiralling a bit tonight .
starting to panic again - if he ever saw this. What I’ve written about him. I’d be in serious trouble I think . He’d be really angry.

I really don’t want to ask for it to be deleted because you guys are such a support to
me . And so lovely . but I’m panicking

OP, I'm so sorry. It is clear you are absolutely terrified of this man and no wonder. You really need to start thinking about how to leave as living with this constant terror must be unbearable.

What do you think he would do OP? What trouble would you be in? If he’s the man you want to believe he is, then wouldn’t reading all this break his heart, rather than anger him? To know what he’s put you through?

I hope the point comes when you find your own anger. You’re not safe in your own bed, in your own home. You’re a working mother with 4 children and you have to add ‘jumping out of bed when I’d rather be resting’ to avoid being coerced into sex that you have already said no to.

Dear OP
Could you sleep in the children's room ?

Dear @ByPinkPoet0 - please stay calm, hand on chest, deep breaths. It’s a calming technique.

He won’t find the thread. Just always clear your browser: your fear tonight is because when you had sex earlier this morning it triggered another bad memory. That’s a trauma response. Don’t delete the thread, we want to support you. Selfishly I don’t want you to delete it as I would really worry about you.

Honestly I don’t know . I think he’d be very very angry with me .
i would be scared of his reaction

Thank you . You are such a lovely person ❤️

You've been on here since approx 07.00, you're probably needing to sleep. Does he ever ask who you're messaging?

In amongst all your replies this comment jumped out at me:

' He was devastated and is being very lovely and caring now. '

He is terrorfied you will report the rapes ( yes plural ) to the police

OP this is very telling. You are scared of him and his anger. Has he ever been really angry with you before? What happened then?
I’m so, so sorry you are going through this and I hope that, with therapy, you can see that this relationship is abusive and not a safe one. He’s coercing you into sex, you are scared of him and in between that, he ‘rewards’ you with cuddles and ‘niceness’ because you are doing what he wants. He’s trained you to believe that if you’re submissive and don’t challenge him and give him whatever he wants then all will be well, but watch out if you don’t . . .
He’s awful and I hope you can start planning to leave. Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

Please stop beating yourself up about not being able to say no. Your reactions to the situation you are in are your instincts trying to keep you physically safe. You know already he is unlikely to take no for an answer. That is very clear. If you say no you risk him carrying on anyway and the situation escalating. That would be far more dangerous than just going along with it.

You also mention wanting you both to get better. The trouble with this is there is nothing wrong with you. You are reacting to living in a dangerous situation in a completely normal way. You can’t override your natural instincts that are screaming at you that you are not safe. He won’t change because he doesn’t want to.

Agree with all of this. It seems a lot of the time you approach this with ‘what’s wrong with me’ OP. I hope therapy helps you find a way forward. Being afraid of his reaction sounds like something to explore further too. I know it’s upsetting but I think the way you are confronting all of this now is going to help you in the future (although it may not feel like it right now).

While I think therapy will help it’s a lot for even the most experienced therapist to
unpack.
Therapy will really, really help OP but she will need to get to a place where she can actually leave.
It is clear this man will not take ‘no’ or any kind of resistance as an answer. He is that used to raping his wife that a ‘no’ won’t work.
He won’t get better, I am afraid. This has been going on for years and he is most likely someone who has a severe personality disorder. And that’s being kind.
If the OP stays there is no solution for her in that.

yes OP please understand that there are different responses to trauma and threat, which are for our survival.
most people know about flight or fight - these are the ones we are taught about, when our adrenaline kicks in and we are ready to take extreme action.

And probably because they are 'male' actions, and as usual the medical world always concentrated on the male subject.

With women, who are most usually weaker and smaller than men, these actions often are not safe - a man can run faster and fight harder, even with the adrenaline edge. Women tend to freeze or fawn. So freezing is rabbit in the headlights territory, but fawn is less well known - it means charm, appease, smile and acquiesce.

so please dont beat yourself up about not being able to move, or allowing the sex. Its 100% normal response to fear, and often a safer thing to do.

That of course does not mean that its not accumulating further trauma.

Your safest action is to get away, but I do understand how terrifying that seems.

Also relevent is that you say he would cause problems if you went. which further shows that he is not a good man - its not the actions of a man who is upset at the end of a relationship but still ultimately cares about what is best for his ex wife and, especially, children - iot shows a man who is about power and control, and who will use the children as pawns to attempt to regain control over you, even though he doesnt actually want to properly parent them on an equal footing, and also likely be because at 50-50 he wont need to pay maintanance.

As well as logging incidents somewhere I would start logging what you actually do vs him regarding the day to day care of the children - all the emotional labour/ grunt work. not the fun time interacting and playing. Make sure you build a picture that shows you are the default parent here, because I assume you are. Who does sick days, arranges appointments, buying new clothes as theyve out grown, etc. Im unsure of the ages, but assume they are all quite young.

Because he's abusive and you are going off past behaviour from him, you know there's consequences when you don't just go along with what he wants.

I've been where you are, I had years of it. It's such a shock when you realise what's happening and that this isn't normal. This is why you keep flipping back to denial and talking about how lovely he can be. I truly do get it. Even after realising it was abuse, it still took me several years to actually leave. And now my biggest regret is not doing it sooner, because this meant my children spent so much longer in that environment and thinking this was what a normal relationship was like. They're teenagers now and I'm still worried about if/how it's done them any longer term damage mentally.

Keep talking on here and asking for support. That was key for me, people being supportive and letting me know my feelings were valid and this wasn't just in my head. Without that, I probably wouldn't have left. Womens Aid can also help you, they put me in touch with a local domestic abuse service. If he's very tech savvy just ensure you're deleting your history, also turn off the email alert thing (when MN email you when someone has replied to your thread). I'm thinking of you. This thread is really worrying.

Thanks everyone , I did sleep on it and feeling more calm today.

@NotAWurstToIt its a good question and if I’m being totally honest I can think of hardly any times he’s been angry at me. I don’t think I ever give him reason now.
When he’s angry at situations or things that happen he shouts, slams doors or throws things occasionally in frustration.

Thinking back when he used to drink he would sometimes get angry with me for no reason and say horrible things and frighten me. I remember once he backed me into a corner shouting (I was about 23 and had no idea what to do) and I managed to persuade him to go to bed and thankfully he fell asleep. He never remembered the next morning. This was all a long time ago and he quit drinking - for me really. It was such a big achievement and I am proud of him for that. Things improved so much and were much better for a long time.

He did remember the next morning. I'm so sorry, but he did.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is helpful to hear stories like yours and I’m happy you managed to make a change.
Thanks for the support x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This makes total sense and has been mentioned by my therapist. It’s still hard to make sense of though

Maybe you’re right.

Back then I left a few times but I always went back.