Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Thank you so much . I will/are doing most of those things .
you’re right it was a huge shock and I never expected such a strong response.

how do you even think about starting again with the kids so young. They would be devastated and I can’t imagine how difficult it would be sharing custody and all the upheaval. and how he would be about it all. I think he would make it very hard.

I agree that it’s difficult to live with him but I think it would be worse to live without him.

A good indicator of what you really believe about him is that you believe he would be horrible to you if you separated. You say he’s a good man but being good doesn’t depend on whether you have a vested interest. If you believe he would be horrible to you post separation, you believe he’s a bad man.

My exH was a weak, neglectful, lazy mummy’s boy. But he was a perfectly acceptable exH, because he wasn’t a bad man, just a bad H. Punishing the mother of your children is evil. Which means however he pretends to be to you, deep down you know he’s a bad man.

And also your fear of your therapist disclosing any of this info OP. You know deep down what he’s like, you’ve just been conditioned for so long you’re not quite able to see it so clearly yet. I hope you’re able to do this before it’s too late.

I just know he’d make up 101 reasons why I was the bad one to tell people as he’d never want the real reason coming out obviously.

Of course he gave me the ‘my ex is crazy, jealous’ etc etc when we got together . I know I know . What a cliche

Why are they like this

Post separation abuse is indeed very common, but that just highlights that you do know this is an abusive relationship.

'they' aren't. He is 😢. This isn't normal male behaviour.

I know - I’m sorry I was being a bit dramatic. Most men I’ve been with have been pretty grim. He was the ‘saving grace’ as it were. I was amazed a man was treating me so well when I met him …

so I feel a bit let down by men. But I know it’s not all of them

So, he's slightly better than the awful abusive shits you have previously been involved with.

That's not a great recommendation of him, tbh.

All the best with your therapy.

Thank you xx

This makes even more sense as to why you’re so accepting of him and willing to see the ‘good’ parts - because you’ve been with shit men all your life. This is a classic reason why women stay with their abusers, because they believe he’s not ‘as bad’ as the terrible men they’ve had before. But please, please know this; this man is worse. He is dangerous. His abuse of you is so chilling. I am genuinely terrified for you.

Thank you. I am trying to make sense of it all but I appreciate the support

He was my first proper relationship , prior to that was terrible ONS and boys who didn’t treat me well so it seemed like a fairytale at the time

Well it’s not a fairy tale now is it?
You owe it to yourself and your children to get out.
Of course he’ll say anything, the blokes a rapist, a total psycho. Ignore him, it doesn’t matter what he says, you’ll be protecting yourself & your children.
In time you’ll be stronger too.

I'm just really sorry for you that you've had such awful relationships that this seems the "best" one.

it really was for years and years . We were really happy.
people have pointed out red flags I know but on the whole I felt the relationship was a healthy one until this happened

i think that’s why it came as such a huge and life changing shock

Do you really feel as if you’ve always had an equal say (as in all decisions have been made jointly without him pressuring you / sulking if he doesn’t get his way / causing an atmosphere) in the relationship at all points until the attack?

I can’t believe that is the case and wonder whether you’ve deferred to his judgment for so long and gone along with him making all the decisions under the guise of him ‘taking care of you’.

I also wonder what age you were when you met and whether he was older with more life experience.

Yes - we’ve been together since I was in my early 20s and he’s 12 years older.

I think he has always made certain decisions, especially financial. But it’s been very subtle and never and huge big red flags that have made me question things. As I’ve said he's has tendency to be a bit dominating in deciding when we are being intimate or getting cross if things don’t know to plan but it’s been very very small things im only thinking about now and wondering if it’s normal.

Just adding to those voices - it's the most horrifying post I've ever read on here. I'm scared for you and your children even though I don't know you, and I want you to know you're doing so well already and you can and will escape him.

Thank you. It doesn’t feel like I’m doing well but I appreciate it .
so far I don’t feel better after therapy I feel worse! But she told me that’s normal at the start

Therapy usually makes you feel like you’ve bee
emotionally hit by a train my dear. Because you re-live and go to places of pain. It’s very normal but don’t let it put you off, it will help you heal x

How do I build up more confidence to say no when I mean it? Something else happened this morning and I really struggle to just say I said no and get up and walk away

Do you want to tell us what happened?

@ByPinkPoet0 I am sorry to hear something happened again this morning. I am taking it was related to sex and not him asking you to take the bins out.

I think the confidence comes when you realise you have options. For instance if for example, he said he wanted sex, you said no, and he tried to proceed anyway , you call the police and tell them what is happening after kneeing him in the balls! You would be confident in your saying no as you would no longer be enabling or facilitating this behaviour because “ he’s a great husband and dad”.

i think the way you chose to see him is a choice made out of fear. You chose to see him as “good” because the truth and acknowledging it would make it very hard for you to live with him in marriage

This is a very good question to ask your therapist, take a note of it and try and share the situation this arose in, what happened and how you felt.

The problem isn't your confidence. Your problem is your husband is a rapist. You said no. There is no special tone of voice or phrase that will protect you. A decent man would accept the first no and not keep pestering/wearing you down. In fact a decent man would only want to have sex with someone who is equally enthusiastic.

It sounds like you did say no. But he again treated that as unimportant. If you have said no and it is punished or ignored, of course you will struggle to reinforce that. Because he is undermining it. His aim is to not be refused. So he is trying everything to make that happen.

And there is the underlying threat of what happens if you do succeed in saying no.

Leaving is the answer. But I know that seems impossible right now.