Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

He knows that when I’m ready it will naturally happen again, he has a very healthy sex drive so it’s not like he’s not wanting to do it again, he just knows it’s not a priority in our life at the moment when I’ve been ill, we are parents to a toddler and we are committed to one another so in the grand scheme of our lives a few months without sex just honestly isnt a huge deal. It’s not something that’s constantly discussed or considered. It’s just on hold for now and when I’m better it will happen again. It’s not a massive deal.

Your husband has made sex something so different to what it is in a normal, healthy relationship with a decent man. He has made it something you ‘give’ him and that he ‘takes’ from you if you don’t do so.

In a normal relationship it’s something done on an equal footing, by loving and caring partners. It’s fun and easy and happens when both partners are up for it. It’s not an all consuming thing that one partner lives in fear of the other one forcing on the other.

Your husband is despicable. He is a sex offender.

Im sorry that it is so horrific to read , I do appreciate all the replies even if it doesn’t seem like I am acting on them in anyway.

I have only just the last few weeks remembered the incident, starting to connect and think about other things in our relationship, begin to realise how I don’t feel safe all the time and seek some sort of support online anonymously and with a therapist. It’s all really new to me.

I know it doesn’t read well at all but please know that my day to day life is not a horror film. There are many normal, happy moments, just normal family life . True - I am starting to realise that this side of our relationship is not at all normal and he/I/we needs help to rebuild trust . However I don’t want to come across as a girl who is tiptoeing around, petrified to put a foot wrong or risk getting hurt or yelled at .

I apologise if it is frustrating if it seems like I am defending him I am not at all. What he did was very bad I know that now and i think
about it every day. I just want to give an accurate picture that my life is not constant abuse.

I find it helpful to write my thoughts here and then I have been looking back on it during my therapy sessions. I appreciate all the replies ❤️

No a week isn't that long. Similar to a PP my husband and I did not have sex for more than 3 years because I have vulvodynia and am in constant pain with it. Number of times he raped me or pestered me for sex or even mentioned it during that time? None. He didn't want to hurt me or to put pressure on me.

Setting up a joint bank account took around 5 minutes online. Your H just doesn't want to. He'll do anything for you provided it's something that is no hassle for him. Bank account and stopping pestering you for sex is too much hassle or he doesn't want to.

He really is the scum of the earth. I don't think I have ever seen a thread here so united in agreement about how dangerous he is. I hope that if you see enough women sharing their stories of decent partners you might begin to realise.

"I've just got a really high sex drive". Abuser's bingo card.

Of course your life isn't constant abuse - no person would have the time or energy to carry out abuse constantly. But the abuse is pretty bad.

I can only speak for myself but I'm not frustrated with you (I'm very blunt which is different but I think it's important to be honest with you). I'm just worried because I can see all the stuff that you're not quite ready to admit to yourself yet and I think probably everyone else on here can. I hope this thread is helping you in some way.

OP when I had our babies it was 5-10 months before we had sex again for a variety of reasons, when I was ill another time when we were just mid 20s we didn’t have sex for about 6 months easily. My husband never once mentioned it, he waited for me to address/suggest it, like a decent human and partner. Being harassed and coerced after just a few days is at best a total ick and at worst absolutely disgusting, abusive, alllll the red flags behaviour. You need to be honest with your therapist and get out of this, and stop thinking/pretending that having sex after he coerces and placates you is in anyway about connection and a healthy marriage.

You say your life isn’t constant abuse op but when you’re making lunch or going on a walk with your kids today, in the back of your mind you’re calculating how long it is until you next have to have sex with him to avoid being raped by him.

You live in an abusive home where you are coercively controlled by your abuser. I’m sorry it hurts to read that but it’s the reality of the situation.

A man capable of raping his heavily pregnant, crying wife (let alone one capable of pressuring her for sex a mere 24 hours after she shared how traumatic the experience was for her, and continuing to pressure her when she reiterates she doesn’t want sex until she’s has time to work through it) is a man I fear is capable of almost anything.

Your children are not safe living under the same roof as this dynamic, under the rule of a sex offender.

You say your life isn’t constant abuse but it is. Just because it feels kind you gave good times, you’re still in a sexual, financial and emotional prison 24/7 with his demands hovering over every aspect your life like a dark storm cloud waiting to erupt.

Hes your jailer trapping you in a cycle of coercive control

I do understand that it is abuse , I know it’s not normal at all. It’s just so confusing because a lot of the time I feel happy, we have jokes, cuddles, decide what we are doing on the weekend, all the normal things. I was just commenting on the reply that said it was like reading a horror movie script that I understand that because this is all the bad bits, but it’s not like that all the time.

It is very eye opening for me to see how long people have had periods without sex when they have been unwell or had babies. This has never even crossed my mind as it’s always been very high on the priority list . Thank you for sharing . It is helpful x

My friends and I have all been very open after having our children and of five who had babies in the same year, only one had sex before 3/4 months after their child was born. None of the partners expected it any earlier than this and were more focused on enjoying their newborn babies and being a little family for the first time than they were on having sex. He has sold you a lie. His behaviour is so far from normal that multiple posters have told you he is the most dangerous man they’ve read about on here. Please believe us x

It is extremely uncomfortable for me to read that back . But I think it’s important that I do .

I have also said it out loud to the therapist now which is a huge step for me

I felt unbelievable guilt and panic when I did , but I did it

I’m proud of you for that, it’s a huge breakthrough x

Well done for saying it out loud, that is a very big step. You are very brave and honest op. Remember, when we go to therapy, we must speak our truth x

A few people have said it’s the worst thing they’ve read. I am surprised because in the few weeks I’ve been reading other posts here I’ve seen poor women who are hit, kicked and otherwise really physically hurt by their partners. It’s telling maybe that my initial response is that is way worse than what I am dealing with at home.

Absolutely no offence intended with this at all

Personally for me it’s because his behaviour is so chilling. He has brainwashed you.

He has even tried to convince you that you are so upset by being raped because of your previous experience of sexual assault.

He has told you he’d do anything to fix it and you’ve relayed that to us as if it’s a fact. He has then refused to go without sex for even a week or do something as utterly minor as open a joint account.

He is a master manipulator who gaslights you to the point it’s making you unwell and you still say he’s a decent man as he’s brainwashed you so much. That’s why he is so utterly dangerous and why it is all so chilling.

It’s not a competition but men like him scare me even more than me who hit. He’s engaging in psychological warfare with a victim who thinks he is her saviour.

Totally agree. It’s the fact he’s so covert, manipulative and controlling and he’s brainwashed the OP into thinking he’s a knight in shining armour doing it all for her own good that makes him so dangerous.

The ones who are such much more blatant in their abuse are easier to spot and to walk away from because they’ve shown their true colours - not saying any abuse is easy to leave btw.

It’s the coercive behaviour with this man that makes him evil and wicked. Every thing he says and does is about domination and control

I understand this, but perhaps those women would think well he’s only really hit me a couple of times and he’s had so many issues, the rest of the time he can be so lovely, I can’t break up my family over a few incidences, he’s a wonderful father….and I could go on. Of course your feelings are going to be muddled by the love you feel and what you have become used to (and all the accommodations you have made to avoid rape tbh). You have been extremely compliant in giving him sex regardless of circumstances and, leaving aside the coercive ‘sex’ throughout, he has STILL raped you.

As someone looking at your situation without the emotions involved in being in a relationship with this man, I would be 100% divorcing him and looking forward to leaving in peace with my children. I know it’s not that simple.

Im not in an abusive relationship, and this is stupid to say as none of it is ok or tolerable, but for what it’s worth: if you gave me a choice between being raped while heavily pregnant or asleep by my partner; or being punched in the face, I would choose the punch.

Hi OP, I came back to check this thread and see if you had any updates. Im really glad you've started therapy, hopefully saying some of these things out loud will help. I just wanted to agree with PPs and say that this really is the most awful thing ive read on this site. You say that you dont think your situation is as bad as others because you are not exposed to physical violence. Is rape not physical violence? Your husband used his physical strength to overpower you and force himself into you while you cried. He did this while you were heavily pregnant and vulnerable and physically weak. What would have happened if you had tried to physically fight him off? Your biological instint in that moment was to freeze to protect your unborn child- that is very much violence.

Now he is psychologically tormenting you by attempting to gaslight you into thinking this is somehow not his fault (beacuse he has a high sex drive)/ your fault (for being upset still)/ and your problem to solve for the sake of your children. The fact he continues to pester you for sex, the fact he even WANTS to have sex right now is horrifying. Any normal, decent man would be respecting your wishes. He is getting off on you NOT wanting to have sex with him. Its just sick.
I'm really sorry to be so harsh but you really need to stop minimising this.
I think I said in one of my previous posts but my husband has a normal, healthy sex drive and we didnt have sex for around 6 months after every baby. He didn't pester me. He didnt sulk. He didnt create an atmosphere. He didn't rape me. That is the norm.

We are quite a highly sexed couple, but that's both of us, and we are still very respectful of eachother and there's zero pressure.

We did have sex quite soon after my births (both less than 2 weeks) but it was at my instigation. There have been periods since where it went haven't for a several weeks, sometimes more, because that's the way life is. If I'm very in the mood and he isn't, I don't nag, and vice versa. We were both hoping to squeeze a lunchtime session in yesterday (WFH!) but I was busy with work. Then in the evening I wasn't feeling well. Zero pressure, he gave me hugs and cooked dinner and we snuggled and watched a movie instead.

That's how it should be. Not you locking yourself in the bathroom hoping he falls asleep first.

I actually forgot about pregnancy itself, I never wanted sex during that and then had a high risk pregnancy so there was probably a solid year in there somewhere where we did absolutely nothing sexual at all, I often even said “I’m sorry” when I’d be upset over general newborn life and he would always tell me that obviously I had nothing to be sorry for and it didn’t matter. He has absolutely brainwashed you into thinking your situation is normal but it categorically is not.

Thank you , I am starting to realise how bad it was . As I said i did not mean to minimise it in anyway and I do understand its violence in a different way. I am just shocked that a lot of people have said it’s the worse situation they’ve seen as I wasn’t really expecting that.

I would not have been able to fight him off no. That’s a very fair point. The most distressing thing about it for me is that he was behind me and being so pregnant I couldn’t even turn around to see him or move much. I just had to wait until it was over. I did cry but I don’t think I actually said get off or anything in the moment. But I had already said no earlier in the evening before going to sleep . I can’t imagine how he could have misunderstood or not realised like he says .

He didn't misunderstand or not realise. He knew exactly what he was doing then and is lying about it now.

Yes sorry - I know that now.
I was just saying what he says can’t be true because of how it happened

This was a hard read but I think it’s important I read comments like yours , thank you.

I am not there with leaving , I still have some hope we can both get better , but I am hoping therapy will help me gain confidence to stand up for myself and respect my own feelings more. When I feel less awful I will be able to think about things rationally I hope.

Of course none of it it ok as you say, but I always think of physical abuse and threatening behaviour as worse than what I’ve gone through. Due to my past sexual experiences I think I have a skewed view of what is ‘normal ‘ and ‘respectful ‘ . Perhaps he knew that .

Of all the disturbing things I’ve read on here, knowing a man has raped his heavily pregnant wife from behind, taking advantage of her when at her most vulnerable, like she is a faceless being, hearing her cry and carrying on anyway knowing he cannot see her stricken face has made me want to vomit.
No wonder he’s denying it, or minimising it, or pretending it never happened. Because in his mind, he just took, it’s not even about sex. As beautiful as OP may be, a woman who is heavily pregnant, still asleep, then crying is not the ‘sexy turn on’ most men would have in mind.
Any decent man, and even quite a few awful ones, could not do this to a woman they hated, never mind loved.
This man has no soul, nothing, he is amoral.
Anything else he does which is ‘kind’ is just an act.
The rest of it is sickening, but that knowledge, it’s not Gisele Pelicot level, but in my mind, it comes pretty close.
A man with a sex addiction but with a tiny hint of humanity might have affairs and/or seek out sex workers. Terrible behaviours, but not unusual over the years with so many threads about such instances.
This a deeply dark, disturbed man. It may not seem it to OP, but it’s far worse to me than the man who violently attacked and raped her.
To do that to your wife, stealing her soul in the deep of night, with her about to be born baby involved, has turned my stomach.
If OP stays with him, then this is the life she is now choosing.

OP I think you’ve come a long way in a very short time. I followed your original posts and I can feel how shocked you are by the shocked reactions to them. It may take you years to accept the situation for what it is and leave him. I understand why you want to carry on. You are a family unit. However, I’m not sure there’s any coming back from this for your marriage. I wouldn’t be able to forgive or tolerate his behaviour. He would have to drastically change and U turn on his personality. Unfortunately a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I expect that he can be completely charming but I think now you’ll begin to notice how controlling and flawed he really is. I hope you can get to a place where you put yourself first and feel you have power to demand a level of respect and equity which is severely lacking. Keep going to the therapy. Call Women’s Aid. Explicitly tell him you do not want to have sex, if it’s how you feel. Don’t get pregnant again. Get access to the joint bank account. Confide in your friend. This must feel so overwhelming but this man is no good for your mental health. I hope these messages help you to see that you are worth so much more.