Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

he is lying and a lie that can easily be disproved

Yes, lying.

He earns more than double what I do so I guess he is paying in a way
Thats not how it works.

Reading that made me feel sick on your behalf.

You do realise coercive controlling relationship sex, that presents as "loving sex" is still rape, yes?

He said he is willing to do anything to fix this and he won't even do a little bit of admin with the bank.

It is only a week and he is already creating a tense atmosphere, threatening you about damage to the kids and pressuring you to have sex you don't want.

And this is him when you say he is being "perfect". These are not the actions of a good man.

I didn’t realise that until people here told me so it’s a very new idea to me

This is so far outside the realms of normal decent behaviour that all I can think is that your husband is getting off on your reluctance to have sex, that he is sexually excited by the fact that he has to persuade/ coerce you into sex. He gets a kick out of the power he has over you. Which would fit with the rape. He has damaged you so badly and instead of listening to you, respecting you, valuing you, he is wearing you down so he can use your body for his own sexual gratification. I think this is one of the worst threads I've ever read on Mumsnet.

No, it doesn't

He just needs to add you to the account. It’s really not a big deal, just Google it…
Where does your salary and the child benefit get paid into?

No my salary goes to me for spending money
so I don’t go without
ill do a bit of research and ask again .
I got the feeling he was a bit suspicious as to why now , he said why your not planning on leaving are you

Thank you for your reply although it is very hard to read a lot of it does register with me as possibly true

he does like it when it’s the classic submissive thing (me) .

I'm sorry, I really don't wish to upset you. But this is not just about sex for him, it is about dominance. It is hard to write this but there is a strong possibility that when he was raping you, he didn't just ignore your response in the moment, but it was actually sexually exciting for him to hear you cry. To know that he had full control and power over you. He is playing out a fantasy in his head where he gets to assert his power over an unwilling participant.

its ok , I understand you are trying to help me. This is bad , I feel sick reading that. how can I even begin to accept that is the man I’ve been with for years and the father of my children . It’s like he has two completely different sides and they don’t know each other

Oh OP I feel so sad for you - he’ll do anything to make it better apart from add you to the bank account and go for more than a week without sex.
He doesn’t respect your boundaries or feelings - it’s all about him and what he wants.
I note that you said that he asked if you were planning to leave - it’s interesting that he equates ‘giving’ you any type of control with giving you the power to leave. So he knows that him holding all the reins is controlling.

OP this man is causing you to rely on cognitive dissonance again, which is again making you confused, sad and unwell.

He is now forcing you to square two more conflicting beliefs:

1. he will do “anything” to fix things as he loves you very much
2. not having sex for a few weeks and doing some admin at the bank is too much to ask of him

Both cannot be true. Number 1 is false. That is proven by number 2 being demonstrably true as he has made it clear he will not go without sex for more than a week despite your trauma from the rape(s).

He is one of the worst men I’ve read about on here in more than a decade.

A week is not that long is it?! He makes me feel like he’s absolutely desperate for it by then and I must be too …

I’m too nervous to put up too much resistance that it might happen again :(

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. You don't resist because you know if you really stood your ground he would very likely rape you again.

He is linking access to the finances to leaving, so he knows keeping them from you to keeps you trapped and dependent.

I get this, I think you give “consent” so he doesn’t rape you again. Because that’ of course would be worse.

Please please from my posts a few weeks ago make sure your contraception is controlled by you and water tight.

yes I have recently started the pill
thank you for saying you get it

Him putting you in a position where you know that if you say no every time you mean no, he will at some point rape you again, means you are not freely giving consent. It’s sexual coercion. It is a crime. He has previously raped you. Your husband is a sex offender who just hasn’t been caught.

Your children are not safe in a home where this level of psychological warfare and abuse is going on.

You’ve been so open and honest with us that I feel I must return the favour. My partner and I haven’t had sex this year because of me being ill. Would he like to have had sex this year? Yes obviously. Has he made me feel bad, pressured or guilty? Not once. Because he loves me and doesn’t view me as an appliance or possession. That doesn’t mean he is an angel or perfect. It just means he’s a fundamentally decent man.

The idea of you living with a man who has made you afraid of him raping you to the point you have sex you don’t want to have as you feel that’s preferable to an inevitable rape makes me want to cry.

I hope so much that your counsellor can help you see you are living in a state of psychological terror, your body is in fight or flight because you live with an abusive tormentor who has convinced you he loves you.

The cognitive dissonance some of us mention is not something that can be fixed because this man will not change. He believes he has a right to have sex with you when he wants. He believes he fundamentally deserves to have the final say in all things from sex to finances and everything in between.

You defer to him and believe what he says (e.g. about the joint account) until pushed by third parties to question what he says. He’s like a cult leader who has brainwashed you.

It’s heartbreaking and your children are witnessing this dynamic which is so hugely damaging to them, even if you think they don’t see the worst bits.

I feel so terrible he has caged you in this way.

OP I have been on this site for years. This man is the most dangerous man I have ever read about on here.

I am absolutely shocked to my core not only about what he’s doing to you but how normal you think it is because you’ve been abused for so long. My heart breaks for you.

Of course I do. I’m glad you are on the pill. I’ve understood this about you for a long time. And I feel so sad that a vibrant young woman is being treated like this . The worst fear you can sometimes have is in your own home x

Came back to this thread to see is OP’s situation has improved and it’s just got worse.
This is the worse, most dangerous man I have read about on here. It is heartbreaking.
This man has his wife living in fear. He is not a good man or father no matter how ‘nice’ he is being.
OP is like a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome. It is so hard for her to see the truth even though it has been affirmed by many posters - he is a rapist, he is controlling, he is financially abusive and the reason there is an atmosphere in the house is because OP’s inner core knows that he is dangerous.
This isn’t a long story with a brief rape in the middle, with devotion either side of it.
It is a young woman seeking refuge with an older man who has held that power ever since.
Even if he was a lovely man and OP’s distress was from rape by a stranger, he would not be saying he couldn’t go without sex for a week, especially as she is having therapy.
I am not sure OP will tell the therapist the truth about this man.
She is so stuck, hanging on to any sign of affection. But it is not real, it is part of a dangerous pattern.
I understand why OP is posting, it is a safe space for her, and I know she is reading replies, but I’m not sure anyone is getting through.
This great love story is like watching an horrific drama on screen, but it is real life and it is terrifying.

Thank you for sharing parts of your life. I hope you feel better soon ❤️

can I ask , and you don’t have to say, does he ask you? Or is he waiting for you to say when you are ready?
DH has always said it’s not my fault I’ve just got a really high sex drive .

thank you as always for taking the time to write a reply. It means a lot even if it seems like I’m not really doing anything about it

I agree. Most of the abusive arseholes on here are waving glaring red flags but this one so much more covert and manipulative. He’s a very dangerous man indeed.

Sadly OP you’ve been the boiling frog for so many years that you can’t see the reality of the sexual, financial and emotional prison you’re locked in.

He’s a controlling abusive liar who absolutely needs to dominate every part of your life. He’s a vile dangerous creature who should be in prison