Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Start taking notes, OP. Read over your posts on here, note the behaviour and speak to your therapist about them. It’s very helpful for your own memory.

OP, please also remember that there's no 'our issues' to fix. That's his language. The truth is only that your husband raped you. That's not a relationship issue. That's a crime, that he committed against you. Don't let him blur the lines with talk of 'relationship issues'.

I do agree with this. You need help to work through your feelings, especially the guilt you carry for calling what he did to you rape. You don’t have ‘issues’. You were hurt by the person who was supposed to love and protect you the most.

He has the issues and if he is serious about making up for it he will deal with the uncomfortable truth, and take responsibility, for the benefit of your relationship. If he is too emotionally immature to understand this then you are at risk of it happening again.

I just can’t find the right words :(
It is causing relationship issues now is what I mean. I still love him but I just feel like I can’t really trust him now since I’ve been worrying about this.
I am wondering how it actually got to this point without me noticing , how did he do it?
We had a really happy 10-ish years of marriage before this happened - and since.

I can feel it’s getting swept under the rug again already , I can’t bare to bring it up again. It’s too sad for us both and somehow I end up apologising for bringing it up. And then we end up having sex after the conversation, to feel connected again maybe.. I don’t know. It’s messed up. I didn’t share that with the therapist I feel so ashamed . I will try and build up to it next time.

It’s not your shame to bear OP. It’s his and he knows that. Please do try and tell your counsellor how you feel - it will help.
What strikes me most about what you are saying now is that your husband knows you are struggling, he knows you are having therapy but is doing nothing to help. He’s just waiting for you to be ‘fixed’, so he can go back to demanding sex whenever he wants. He’s also knows he’s the cause of this, but is not taking responsibility and is trying to defer to say that it was the previous sexual assault that caused this - nothing to do with him.
He’s not a good man and I know that’s really hard for you to come to terms with, understandably.
i hope the therapy continues to help you - you deserve happiness.

I will try and bring it up in the next session but I do feel a bit embarrassed that we keep being intimate after having the tough conversations - writing it down is hard enough! Such a toxic cycle and I feel really silly about it .

I told him today the therapy needs to be ongoing for both of us and he agreed to that at least. He asked me what it was going to take for me to feel better and I said I didn’t know. He said at some point we are going to have to move past this for the kids sake because it’s not healthy for them with a tense atmosphere in the house. I said I didn’t know how long it’s going to take for me to feel better and he said he doesn’t know what else he can do other than pay for the therapy to show me that he’s still loves me. He said he’s still the man I loved and married he just f**ked up and everyone does sometimes.

He said , and this is true , we’ve been through a lot and we have fixed a lot in the past. We can’t throw things away now. We have such a strong connection and we will always love each other deep down even when life is hard.

Has he agreed not to be sexual when they are around? Because he doesn’t think a tense atmosphere is good. But a sexual one is actively harmful. Propositioning you when they are awake and nearby.

And have you asked about full access to the financials? He’s asking how to start doing the right thing. That’s two right there.

It’s hard to read this. I can’t really express adequately how awful I think your husband is. He’s completely minimised what he’s done and he’s now making out that YOU aren’t putting your children first if you don’t wipe the slate clean. How dare he.

Everyone does f up in their own way, that’s true, but his fuck up would put him in prison let’s be real here. I have never once experienced anything like this in my relationship OP, it is absolutely not normal.

This is a man who got annoyed because his own newborn babies crying interrupted sex, and who expected to continue as soon as you had got them to be quiet. How many times has he made a tense atmosphere all by himself because he’s not been getting it as regularly as he likes? Who of the two of you prioritises your children and their needs (and I mean really, I know you want to say he’s a great dad, but really - who do you think really puts them first out of the two of you?)

Did he really put it like that, that he’s paying for your therapy? Aside from the financial control issue (why is it considered to be his money that’s paying?) is he saying he’s paying to fix you so when is he going to see the benefits for him?!

Yes he has agreed he will stop pestering . He doesn’t say anything infront of them it’s more how he acts when he hugs me etc. but yes this has improved .

the financial thing is more complicated, so he says . A lot of admin? I think he’s worried it’s a sign I’m thinking about leaving even though I’ve assured it’s not. He said he’ll look into it. I’m on the house deeds 100% I’ve seen them

He earns more than double what I do so I guess he is paying in a way. But yes he will feel like he’s doing that ‘for me’ definitely. He will see it as a way to fix it so we can move forward .

And sorry it’s hard to read :( I find it easier to share my true feelings here than in real life but I’m getting there slowly !

It’s only hard to read because of how angry I feel at your husband! I’m glad you can come here to share, and I really hope you can open up in therapy too.

You still earn OP, and even if you didn’t and were a SAHP you would still be contributing to the family. You’ve had 4 of his children and therefore your career has at least taken the hit of 4 maternity leaves and then the reality of raising a family around work (it’s not ideal for career progression and I’m guessing it’s not been his career that has taken the hit). I’m not saying this in a funny way, but my DH earns nearly 4x my salary - it’s OUR money, and apart from the equal fun money that is just ours, we both have access to all of it. So should you.

What’s he on about that the financials are complicated? He just needs to add you and make it a joint account. Where does your salary get paid?

You say ‘so he says’ but you have agency in this OP. It is so easy to set up a joint account! And then you can both just get your salaries paid into it (for example).

You seem to take him at his word completely. So your version of ‘setting up a joint account’ is actually ‘ask my husband if we can set up a joint account, trust what he says and leave it with him’ rather than you feeling that you can just start the process yourself.

Can you recognise that? That you defer final judgments to him? He isn’t your dad and you aren’t a child. You are equals. He doesn’t get the final say for some random reason.

Such a toxic cycle and I feel really silly about it

Don’t feel silly OP - this is complex and you have lots of feelings wrapped up in this.

I do note that he’s asked you how long till you feel better and said that at some point you need to move past it.

It feels like he’s still putting pressure on for you to be better, so things can go back to how they were. So he is waiting for you to be ‘fixed’ and this blip,
as he sees it, to be done.

I agree with PP that you need the financials sorting to, if nothing else, give you some degree of control.

what else he can do other than pay for the therapy

He’s made it sound as he would be paying as though the money he’d be using is his.

But I’d expect you in your position as his wife, and mother of his children, ( and working too what’s more), to be naturally an owner of whatever money you need for therapy - or an equal owner of no money even if together you can’t afford it. Something does not sound quite right if that’s the way he put it.

Apparently you can’t add someone on and you’d have to start a new one and then change all the bills etc … does that sound right?

I feel silly because I’m not 18 years old I should be able to seperate emotional connection and sex.

he makes it so clear that really a week is his limit. Yesterday was that day . He avoided doing anything infront of the kids but as soon as they were in bed he was straight on it saying how sexy I was and how much he loved me and please can we have sex so he can make me feel good etc . Then we talk about it again, then we end up having sex anyway .

No if it is a normal single/sole account (not savings etc) it is a fairly easy process - ID/consent etc some paperwork possible visit a branch although nowadays can be done online

he is lying and a lie that can easily be disproved

A good way of knowing when the good times are outweighed by the bad is when he rapes you.

It is not normal for a man to prioritise his sex drive over all else, it is not normal to force, pester or coerce. If he would do this to you for an orgasm, how can that be love?

What would you want your child to do if they were in a marriage like this?

I hope you find strength and clarity though your therapy. My heart hurts for you.

No it doesn’t and even if it was right, so be it?

And what’s your limit?

I have no energy or strength to stand by one. It’s easier not to :( I’m so mentally drained and sad

No.

In which case you need to get out of this marriage.