Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

A good man would not be causing an atmosphere about this. He is not a good man.

It’s very normal in long term relationships to have months of no sex at various times, due to stress, bereavement, health issues, children etc. In a healthy, loving relationship that’s years long it’s not a big deal at all. It’s not shocking or relationship breaking when for an understandable reason someone doesn’t want to have sex for a while. I promise you. He’s making you think you’re being unreasonable and withholding something from him. He’s manipulating you.

The fact that he has previously raped you, in addition to a number of sexual assaults, and is STILL making you feel like not having sex for a few weeks is causing an atmosphere is terrifying.

He has no fear you’ll leave him, let alone report him for rape, because he has controlled and confused you to the extend that you feel YOU are causing an atmosphere by not wanting to have sex with your rapist while you are working through your feelings about the rape.

If your daughter was in your shoes now and shared that she still loved him and thought he was a good man, but you knew he had raped her while she was heavily pregnant and crying, wouldn’t your whole body be screaming out to you that she is not safe with him? Of course it would.

And that’s what your body is telling you about your husband too but you are fighting it because it is such a life changing revelation. So your brain is in constant conflict and cognitive dissonance about it. This is making you ill. HE is making you ill.

I really hope your therapist is responsible and takes this as seriously as they should in your sessions x

I agree you need counselling outside of the house OP, that’s crucial.

That’s what gaslighting does. It makes you doubt yourself.

You did remember it before.

You are all so so kind and patient
thank you
I read every reply
I know it happened but I’m just like how can he not remember
he’s so insistent he doesn’t

I have first online therapy session today. I will use my laptop.

I don’t know what else to do . What else can I do ?
trying to carry on as normal but it’s so so hard
he is being completely normal

@throwawayimplantchat you are right. It is making me unwell. i do hope the therapy will help me.

I’m thinking of going back to the gp and asking for anti anxiety meds does anyone with experience with them think it will help short term?

Can you at least sit in the car with the laptop (without warning him first) so that you know he can’t hear you? Will he be at home during your session?

I’m not a doctor so not qualified to answer re meds but the issue is OP that you can’t medicate your way out of the cognitive dissonance and that’s what’s making you feel this away.

You believe two things:

1. your husband is a good man
2. your husband raped you while heavily pregnant and crying

But you know that those two beliefs cannot peacefully coexist, so your entire sense of being able to trust your memories and beliefs has been utterly rocked.

Do not let him manipulate you into believing number 1 so hard that you question if number 2 happened.

That is what he’s doing. He’s manipulating you under the guise of being worried about you.

If he was worried about you like a healthy, loving, good man then he wouldn’t have caused an atmosphere about no sex.

My love you’re living with your tormentor, your body is in fight or flight, you’re constantly trying to appease and placate him rather than living authentically. You are understandably exhausted from this.

But as long as you live with him, I don’t know how your nervous system will be able to relax and protect you. Because while you wish it wasn’t true, you wish it didn’t happen, you know that it did. And you know that he’s still using coercive control (causing an atmosphere) to get what he wants.

I hate him.

Anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds are the new solution for age old assumptions that women in certain states of mind were ‘hysterical’ and ‘mad’ when they reacted naturally to terrible things that had happened to them, often at the hands of their husbands.

Anti-depressants etc can just numb you so you won’t feel anything. That’s one way of dealing with the problem.

Do you know that at one time medical practices even went so far as to recommend lobotomies for such women? Not so very long ago.

Are you going to tell the GP,
“ I feel anxious because I love my husband and family, but I am have memories of when he raped me while I was pregnant that I cannot get out of my mind”?

If you are honest with the GP, they would certainly suggest therapy, even if they prescribe you a drug.

He is so insistent he doesn't remember.

He's lying. It really is that simple.

OP I agree with PPs that he does remember and is gaslighting you.
i know you say you love him - and you do love the man you believed he was and you can’t turn feelings off like a tap. Your anxiety and stress are coming from that conflict about how you feel about who you thought he was and what he’s done.
I hope your counselling sessions can help you address this and decide your next steps to a happy, safe future.

He "can't remember" because he'd rather gaslight you than risk being charged with rape himself. He knows. 100%. He would rather you were in torment and confusion than admit what he knowingly did to you.

Anti anxiety meds aren't going to make the problem go away. I'd hope a decent GP wouldn't prescribe them if they had the full story. You feel terrible and anxious because you're being lied to and manipulated, because you're in danger and because the things you're starting to realise now have turned your whole world upside down. And because he isn't safe and some part of you knows that.

I'm glad to hear you have got contraception sorted out. That's really important. It may take a little while to settle, a couple of months perhaps. If it doesn't, go back and discuss with GP - there are non hormonal options available. I think it's safest not to tell him you're on the pill if you haven't already.

He isn't going to suddenly admit to what he's done.

I hope counselling goes well today.

I think it might help OP to work through the logic of each possibility.

1. Your husband knew he was having sex with you you didn't want. He heard you crying. Does this track with his sulking around sex? Yes. Does it track with his general attitude to sex? Yes. Does it track with his financial control? Yes. Does it track with him being a basically good person? No.
2. He heard crying while he was having sex with his heavily pregnant wife and forgot. Does this make sense on any level at all? No. Unless he has dementia, he wouldn't forget. Does it track with him being a basically good person? No.
3. He didn't hear you crying. The logic here is that he had sex with his heavily pregnant wife and didn't check in with her once about her pleasure or comfort. He didn't know if she was happy or sad, having fun or weeping uncontrollably. The very best case for him in this scenario is that he doesn't give a shit about the comfort, pleasure or wellbeing of his pregnant wife. That's the BEST case. Does it track with him being a basically good person? No.

1 and 2 he's a rapist or a forgetful rapist. 3 he's a man who doesn't care if he rapes you. And then forgets. #3 man would listen to his wife saying that she needed a break. He isn't doing that so he is 1 or 2 man.

Pure logic. There is no world where he is a good man.

@MrsTerryPratchett am also sure on thread one that it was mentioned that he cried the next day and they never spoke about it again. I’ll bet he remembers that part too.

Sadly there's also a number four. That because he's had sex with you when you are asleep (ie raped) you multiple times, he can't remember that specific one.

The op had woken finding him starting sex with her on multiple occasions. All we can say for sure, is those were the times she woke up. It could have been happening more for all she knows.

Sadly I do accept that you are right. None of those options are looking good. At the time I remember it felt like he was so frustrated that we hadn’t had sex in a while (probably a few weeks) that he kind of changed into another person when he forced it. I remember he didn’t say anything , not even after.

the next day he did cry so he must have known. He said he couldn’t believe what had happened and it’s not him , please can we forget about it and it will not happen again.

So he must know on some level

Thank you for your input. I understand it won’t help the cause I’m just desperate to feel a bit less manic all the time .

the counselling went well and I did tell her as much as I felt able. She was very understanding and it felt good to talk to someone I knew was far removed from my life

Is there a world where he feels so guilty about it that he has blocked it out/can’t accept it happened ?

if I can remember it all these years later (although on some level I always knew but pushed it down) maybe he has done the same with forgetting ?

I'd that was the case, he would never have been sexually pushy after that point. It's also my understanding him having sex with you whilst you've been asleep (which is also very much rape), had been asleep that point.

Yes , I guess I never really thought that was that ‘bad’ thought just a nuisance, and it only happened a couple times . If I said what are you doing , no I’m not feeling it , he would always stop.

those times it always felt like a bit pushy like you said but more a misunderstanding. The other time was just horrible and I was so shocked and sad . I remember thinking this can’t actually be happening.

@ByPinkPoet he could be trying to convince himself as much as you. But you were there and you KNOW what happened. As much as you are suffering with the mental dissonance of believing him to be a good husband and knowing he raped you while you were carrying his child, he is probably struggling to square the circle too. The problem is you are the only one trying to fix this.

Your description of him points to someone who is inherently selfish but can be a good partner when it benefits him. He believes that his is owed sex. If he doesn’t get it then he is entitled to take it. But he knows what he did was not in keeping with his belief that he is a good man, so he has had to convinced himself that he didn’t realise what he was doing.

He’s needs to be called out on this because if he’s allowed to get away with hiding the darker parts of him he doesn’t want to see he will not be a safe partner. He needs to work on himself to understand how he could rationalise hurting you in that way, especially as he knew it had already been a source of trauma for you. You should not be doing all the work to fix this. He needs to fix himself.

Those were rapes, it’s just he stopped raping you when asked those times. That happened more than once, so even with the most generous excuse of him misunderstanding and not realising an unconscious person cannot consent - surely he would have come to an understanding after the first time that happened and you said no? I really think he only cares with what he can get away with!

With everything we know, I am very suspicious of his tears the morning after OP. I think he knew he’d gone too far that time and he had to make sure you moved on from that situation feeling sympathetic towards him. His self-preservation continues, it’s just that years after the immediate risk of you bringing that into the open (perhaps to your midwife or someone at the time) has gone, he can now gaslight you about it.

Your post is absolutely on the money I think.

He can’t believe it happened so he’s pretended it didn’t and hoping if we just bury it long enough it will disappear from my memory too. I do believe he genuinely feels awful even if he doesn’t remember the crying he admits he has been pushy in the past and seems genuinely remorseful.

I believe he is trying to ‘fix it’ in the only way he knows how - being extra lovely and attentive and looking after me. I have also encouraged him to speak to a therapist and I think he will . He says he would do anything to show me he’s serious about working through our issues . I guess I will never know what is said in the session though! He’s found a male one as he thinks it will be easier to talk to a guy about this .

Will see how it’s going once we’ve both had therapy for a while.
again thank you to everyone who replies to my ramblings x

OP you said he is causing an atmosphere around you not being up for sex at the moment. Thats not being lovely and attentive. Thats not doing anything he can to fix it. That’s punishing you and continuing it train you to be compliant and reliant on him.

Yes … that is also true . You are right .
I am used to that maybe I don’t notice it too much