Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

No definitely not, he is not controlling in that sense at all. He’s happy for me to go anywhere /see anyone. That is really not an issue for us

but thank you

@YourOliveBalonzis absolutely correct OP. His need for sex has lead him to rape you. He does not care about closeness or real intimacy. If he cared, he would not have raped you.

you must put your needs first and not do anything to just appease him. Keep sex off the table.

OP I’m so sorry but this makes me so sad. I am a therapist.

he’s helping around the house and things are perfect?

you are so so conditioned to appreciate the bare minimum and trained so that the bare minimum trumps his assaults?

It’s really good you are coming to the realisation that it’s always been this way and therapy will help you more with that. It will also help you decide what you want to do next - whether that is talk to him, or leave him.

He’s defensive because he knows you will back down if he’s difficult and he wants his own way. He’s being ‘Perfect’ now because he’s love bombing you to get his own way. He’s awkward and defensive when he thinks you’re challenging him and ‘rewards’ you by being lovely when you’re toeing the line. It is abuse and I know it’s so hard for you to see and that’s why following through with therapy. You’re being so brave to keep going with this realisation - it’s really tough, but keep going. Wishing you happiness and peace for your and your DCs’ future.

Thank you for your insight.
I am learning a lot!

So he's ok with you having therapy to deal with the trauma of him raping you, because he thinks it's a way of getting the sex ban over with?

I am very concerned for you in this relationship. He seems to be playing you like a puppet 😢

Sorry if this has been addressed op but why ha d you changed your user name so many times within this post?

She said that she panicked and deleted her account halfway through the thread, then made another one so she could keep asking for support.

I don’t know I just kept waking up in the night thinking shit what if he’s looking at my phone so I changed my email /username a few times . And at one point I was overwhelmed with guilt for writing this so I got rid of the acc

now things are ‘fine’ I’m a bit less worried about that but it’s still on my mind

I don’t know why I keep coming back when I’m so worried I just find it helpful to write things down

@ByPinkPoet0 its fine to keep coming back, it helps you x

Ah sweetheart. My heart aches for you.

He is extremely successful, isn’t he?

I grew up in a house where one person’s needs were paramount. It took me forever- in fact I’m still working on it- to work out my own priorities and values. I ended up marrying a man who also prioritises himself and is oblivious to my needs.

Regardless of his intentions though, the way your marriage runs is very damaging to you and your DC. Your husband performs ‘perfect family’ in order to get what he wants. He doesn’t actually genuinely connect with his family members. He doesn’t empathise with them, feel their pain, try and protect them. He simply performs ‘perfect dad/husband’ for as long as it takes for everyone else to remember their role and fall in line.

I nearly typed "playing you like a violin" last night but decided not to post it.

IIRC I think OP said that she hasn't told H that the therapy is because of him raping her (although I don't think she has yet used the word "rape" about it), but about a rape that happened long before she met him.

OP, he may seem "perfect" at the moment (I bet he hasn't given you access to the finances though) but he's not going to keep it up indefinitely. He's likely to revert to any or all of his previous strategies that have worked in the past - sulking, anger, pestering and if you don't cave in to those, rape again.

OP, I know you think there is no chance he will bug the house but does he know you're switching to online counselling? If not, would he figure it out another way (e.g. do you have a Ring doorbell where he would notice you were/weren't leaving the house)?

I would advise (at the very least) you take your laptop into an unusual room for the counselling. E.g. one he wouldn't think to hide a microphone in if he were that sort of man.

To echo others, please keep posting here. We all have a lot of empathy for you and understand why you are so conflicted. I genuinely wish you well 💐

Another thing to add: I have always been rather a people-pleaser and there was no sexual/physical abuse in my childhood. My parents were very supportive, not particularly outwardly affectionate but I knew they loved me. I remember my childhood as a happy one.

However I now look back and recognise that we sometimes walked on eggshells around my dad. (I now think that he was very likely autistic and struggled with interacting with people). He could be quite irritable at times. I was never scared of him and he was never violent but I probably became a bit conflict-avoidant because of that. My older sister has a similar personality and we aren't at all close as adults.

I just wonder whether this chimes with your childhood in any way? Overall happy and loving but with some subtle conditioning to avoid conflict?

This is interesting , I agree with all of it.
I had a happy childhood but we never spoke about issues/feelings.

When I was assaulted the first time at uni I remember thinking oh my god my mum can never find out about this.

like I can’t bare the thought of her being worried/feeling pity for me. so strange

Hard to read but I can agree that it would definitely look that way.

It’s really hard to know my truly feelings as when it’s good between us it’s really good! We’ve had such happy times. How do you know how much is too much in terms of the sad times .

I haven’t used the specific word to describe it (I can’t say it) but he did understand at the time how serious it was. He hugged me as I cried and told him and he was devastated, although he maintains he doesn’t remember that specifically he does admit he was too pushy at times.

In terms of knowing what the therapy is for I told him I need to work through my feelings for both incidents . He was accepting of this but he did make a comment like he wonders if the fact I never had therapy the first time might be impacting how I feel about intimacy between us.

Oh Op this is so sad ❤️
I have nothing else to add but we are supporting you. I hope you have a good friend IRL you can speak to also x

Him describing a heavily pregnant woman being raped while she is crying as a form of ‘intimacy’ is chilling OP.

This man is so dangerous to your mental health. So, so dangerous.

I really hope your counsellor can help and support you to start really understanding that x

😥😥 I don’t know what to do
he says he doesn’t remember the crying

i don’t know what to believe now

This is exactly what gaslighting is. He's making you doubt your memories.

Believe yourself and your feelings.

how can I feel better?? I feel so sad my illusion is shattered and life is carrying on around me
what you would you do in my situation?
my version of events doesn’t match his
it was years ago
i love him so much
this is so messed up

It feels pointless trying to put off intimacy it just creates an atmosphere

I have gone on the pill as well which probably isn’t helping as the dr said the hormones can make you emotional

My love, you do know what to believe and that’s the reason you feel so sick and confused all the time about this. Because you know the truth. You know you were crying and that he knew you were crying but he continued anyway.

Your brain is desperately trying to find a way to reconcile that fact with your core belief that he is a good man who loves you.

He is not a good man and he is not capable of safe and healthy love, or he wouldn’t be capable of sexually assaulting and raping you.

He is not a good man and he is not capable of safe and healthy love, or he wouldn’t have restarted pestering and pressuring you for sex within 24 hours of you courageously sharing that you wanted a break from sex due to all this.

He is not a good man and he is not capable of safe and healthy love, or he wouldn’t be weaponising your past sexual assaulting against you by suggesting it’s the reason you are reacting strongly to be sexually assaulted again, this time by him.

You are not safe with this man. He is destroying your sense of what is real or not. He is doing this on purpose to make you doubt yourself, to keep you small, compliant and reliant.

Your counsellor, if you’re honest with them, can hopefully help you start to see the wood for the trees.

Again, this man is so very dangerous to your mental health it’s terrifying x

Please do not do online counselling. He will find a way to bug your sessions. He 100% knows he is a rapist and his current performance is to get you to doubt yourself and tell no one.