Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

If you found the first therapist easy to talk to, I wouldn’t change now. A therapist will not disclose what you discuss. You can check their qualifications online. BACP or UKCP https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/bacp-register/

I think it is so unbelievably disgusting and shocking that he said you need counselling to deal with your prior SA. So blaming your reaction to his rape on a prior SA. Because your reaction wasn’t normal?! Because he did nothing wrong?! He is either utterly clueless or completely manipulative. He also obviously feels pretty confident you wouldn’t divulge his rape.

my money is on manipulative given everything you have shared.

please please continue seeing your therapist.

Ok thank you
I will try and be brave!

He wouldn’t even compare the two incidents at all. To be honest neither do I. The first time I was assaulted I was literally battered and bruise and didn’t even know who it was .

But yes I see your point I really do

He is so manipulative and so cruel that he has told you your reaction to being raped while sobbing and heavily pregnant is due to you having been sexually assaulted before.

I have no words for how dangerous this man is to your mental health.

Your anxiety and confusion is your brain and body screaming out to you because your nervous system knows how dangerous this man is to your mental health.

I hope so much that your therapist can support you in the way you deserve. You deserve a happy, calm, peaceful life.

You cannot have that with a sex offender who gaslights and manipulates you this way.

Gently OP, being raped while sobbing and heavily pregnant (so at your most vulnerable time as a woman) by the father of your baby, your husband who you feel should love and cherish you (and your baby) could potentially be even more damaging mentally than being attacked in a way that leaves physical marks by a stranger, acquaintance or casual hook up.

Physical marks heal, but he was the person you trusted most in the world and betrayal of that trust is a wound that is a lot harder.

Your replies are so lovely and patient and kind . You all should be therapists!
but I will try again.

everything you say makes sense but I just can’t quite get there in real life

I don’t know why

The trust broken is heartbreaking for sure

This is why it is so so incredibly important you stay in therapy. Let them be your confidante, like we are here. You cannot possible deal with this all alone in your mind. I am a therapist and I really think you should continue.

I will
if someone told you what I have said would you have to keep it confidential?

Yes, therapy will help you get to make sense of things, to understand yourself to work out where you need to be and how to get there, if that's what you want. That probably seems like a scary thing right now, but therapy can be absolutely life changing.

And your therapist will not disclose what you tell her about being raped. Therapists don't chat to their husbands about who came in today and what they said - they'd be kicked out of their professional body for having poor boundaries and not maintaining confidentiality and nobody would ever go to therapy again. Trust is absolutely paramount.

The only way people who know you would find out is if either you or your husband choose to tell them. Also, if you're worried about running into your therapist when you're out and about with friends etc. you can talk to her about what to do about that. The therapist won't mind if you are more comfortable with you both pretending not to know each other.

So if you liked the first one go back, or the second, or try to find someone you feel safe with - but it's normal to take a while to feel comfortable enough to open up.

I think you should have a think about the two irreconcilable things you believe. That he's a good man who didn't know he was raping you. And that it's so dangerous and emergent that a therapist would have to break confidentially to report. Those can't be true at the same time.

It’s just I’ve never had therapy before so I don’t really know what the benchmark is

probably not - it’s just another reason I’m talking myself out of speaking to anyone about it

when I first wrote here anonymously I wasn’t expecting to get such strong responses so that shocked me a bit

"Also, if you're worried about running into your therapist when you're out and about with friends etc. you can talk to her about what to do about that."

Just to cover this point, my therapist told me upfront that if we were to encounter each other out and about, her policy is to ignore the patient entirely unless the patient acknowledges her first. So, if you're with someone who doesn't know you're in therapy, they will remain in blissful ignorance for as long as you choose.

Your therapist is not going to report this OP. If you told the therapist this was happening to children or a vulnerable adult (and I know you feel vulnerable at the moment but that’s not what I mean here) they would most likely need to, but that’s not going to happen here. Why don’t you have a general discussion with therapist about the sort of thing they would keep confidential and when they would need to disclose things? Talk about your fears before talking specifics.

@YourOliveBalonz
i know you are right deep down but I still feel too nervous to bring it up with someone ‘local’

i have decided to go with an online provider for now and I hope that will help me be more open !

Everything is back to ‘normal’ now it feels so strange we are just cracking on with normal life

Will you be able to go somewhere private to do an online counselling session? Preferably somewhere away from the house?

Is he finally taking no for an answer and stopped nagging you now that sex had been taken off the table for a while?

I will do it one day when he’s at work and I’m not . Should work out ok , I feel more relaxed about it

This is still an issue . But yes for now. One of the reasons why I’ve said I need to pay for therapy. He’s not keen on the break but it’s going ok for now .

I do feel a bit bad about it because imtimacy is a huge deal to him

I'm glad you have thought about an online provider, I was going to suggest that.

Safeguarding reasons to break confidentiality would be things like if you disclosed that you were considering harming somebody. I don't think rape 3 years ago is anywhere near the threshold, even when you're in a relationship with the perpetrator still.

I wondered if you might find it easier to write it down and email/ping it over to them in the chat? You could literally say "there's something I'm finding it very hard to raise that is the reason I have come to therapy. Is it okay if I send it to you instead of saying it out loud to begin with?"

Alternatively, send them a link to one of your threads on here.

Can you be absolutely sure that the house is not bugged.
I'd go out somewhere quiet and remote but safe of course to make that call.
Your car may be bugged also.
And a tracker possibly.
Do be careful OP.
I think he has you so manipulated and for so long that you don't rightly know which way is up.
Please confide in some professional person.
You will get through this and emerge stronger.

I feel I have to gently challenge this, especially as you are attaching guilt to it. Intimacy means an emotional connection and mutual trust alongside the physical expression of it. What is important to him is sex, and intimacy or even your enthusiastic consent are not important to him at all.

Very kindly OP, you’re putting his needs above yours in this - sex is important to him, but right now, for you it’s important to not have sex, yet somehow his needs seem to take precedence.
You are entitled to feel as you do and his desires aren’t more important than your needs.

I feel like this is how it’s always been , with everything .

I don’t know how to talk to him about it. He is so defensive we get no where

at the moment, things are perfect and he’s being so kind and loving and doing more than 50% of the mental load/house things. It makes me feel like I’m so lucky to have him.