Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

There seems to be a very fast cycle of;

great - sulky - sex - great - sulky - sex - great

He manipulated you into giving in to unenjoyable (for you) sex, now he's great. With clear, open eyes, not in the 'great' place, do you still want to be with him? If the reality is not the brief great periods just after bad sex. The reality is the whole cycle;

great - sulky - sex - great - sulky - sex - great

Do you want him during 'sulky' and 'unwanted, bad sex' as well? Because this is your life forever. He won't change, he won't stop pressuring you because he couldn't stop for a week after you talked to him about your MH. Couples counselling doesn't work with abusive men, it only gives them ammunition.

If sulky and unwanted sex are the price, and you are willing to pay that, do it with full, clear decision-making. And you are choosing this for your children as well.

The issue is not deciding that you are willing to accept an abusive, financially controlling, unpleasant rapist as a husband. People do. It's that you want to pretend that you aren't accepting that. Because that will make you mentally unwell and miserable. Ping-ponging back and forth depending on his mood and sex.

I am so sorry to be so blunt. But the cognitive dissonance is making your MH dreadful.

I think OP has enjoyed the sex which is part of the confusion for her (but as others have explained that doesn’t change anything about rape or coercion, it’s really just a physiological response and a natural one). I agree with you though, mentally I think it’s better and more truthful to think ‘this is the price I pay to keep life manageable’ rather than try to persuade yourself that he’s a wonderful husband and father.

Yes I’ve been skirting round this a bit I think because I feel like it’s disrespectful to all the victims who have bravely shared their story with me, but the truth is I still enjoy having sex and this is even more confusing . Like i feel like he probably thinks well if it was such an issue I haven’t heard any complaints in the last 3 years . Which I kind of understand .

I think for now this is where I’m at. I am more aware of things and have my eyes a bit more open .

Today in parliament, Jess Philips honoured 112 women who were killed by boyfriends, husbands and known males. It’s a really scary statistic and I am sure these women were trying to convince them selves that they could “fix” or “see the good” or “stay for the sake of the children”. Sadly their kindness and also fear meant they lost their precious lives and left the lives of the ones they left behind absolutely shattered. Please think about this - we do not know the limits of others around us. Think of the basis of how you can trust someone who controls and has abused you in the worst ways. What if you did what we said Pink Poet and refused sex? I think we all know that it’s easier for you to give in than to be raped again. It’s easier to swallow though it’s a very bitter pill.

Again, counselling. It’s completely normal.

And again, you were crying during pregnancy. He wasn’t confused. A caring man makes very very sure, especially during pregnancy.

But I understand why it’s difficult.

This is such a kind and honest reply.

@ByPinkPoet11 yiu need to stop worrying about what is normal and what disrespectful to others and others needs and wants because none of that matters

what matters for you and your life is YOU

Agree with all of MrsTP’s posts.
Op sex produces oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Women need to be careful who they have sex with because it’s possible to feel bonded or have feelings like love, for someone abusive, or just plain wrong for you. This just muddies the waters and can mean than women will stay in bad relationships for far longer than they should, because the up and down feelings are hard to navigate, and the bonding is hard to ignore.
You are very, very reactive to your husband. All your posts from the beginning have been focused on your reactions to him, you frame keeping him happy as your own happiness. If he is happy then you are a ‘happy family’ . There is so little sense of you here, who you are, what your ideal relationship would look like, whether you wanted a large family or felt that is what happy family life looks like. I said on a different thread that there is also the serious assault and almost certain rape that you suffered as a teenager, that has been buried and not even really named. The violent attacker just excused because it ‘would ruin his life’ to take it further. Which is also how you have tried to cope with your husband raping you. Your husband who knew you had been raped while unconscious, then raped you while you were unconscious, and heavily pregnant, and carried on even while you sobbed.
I also wonder why you drank so much as a teenager And young woman ? What was going on there ?
You focus a lot on how everyone else feels or might feel. Where are you in all this OP ? Because you clearly have reached a point where everything in your being is telling you that this is all wrong, that you are also valuable and your feelings matter too. Don’t ignore or shut down that inner voice.
Tell your husband no more sex, and you don’t know when or if you will feel ready. Myself and most of my friends went at least six months without sex after each baby, and I didn’t want sex at all for about that time after my Dad died. I was grieving and exhausted and just needed to be quiet and process what had happened. Normal long term relationships will have patches like this, when life, or menopause, health, childbirth and fertility , all can have an impact on desire.
Having young children can mean you are just firefighting from day to day and doesn’t leave much time or space for thinking and listening to your body and feelings. Try and carve out little chunks of time to gradually process what has happened and how things are, to think about what comes up with your therapist.
Don’t try and solve everything at once. I think you are being really brave in tackling this, it can feel easier to squash these feelings down, but you know that can’t go on now.
It’s also really important for your children that this dynamic changes and that you are free to make your own needs clear.

It makes me feel better that you say it’s normal to feel complicated emotions about it. I do think I have low self esteem generally. Why I don’t know. Maybe it’s pretty much back to back pregnancies and babies .

I have another counselling app early next week I hope we might be able to get a bit further on these issues. Opening up is hard for me but I am trying.

As I’ve said , I love him so much and this clouds any judgements on issues we might be experiencing.

I do appreciate all your messages and advice however blunt! It amazes me how many people are sending support to strangers online xx

Thank you for your lovely caring message , you are a lovely person.

Truthfully I had low self esteem all my late teens and drank too much , but myself in unsafe situations and has many failed situationships etc . When I met my DH I was bowled over by how lovely he was and the love and attachment I felt was very intense almost straight away. I moved in to his flat after 3 months of dating and it went from there. I don’t believe anyone tried to warn m at the time about things moving too fast but honestly I don’t believe I would have listened if they did. My best friend expressed some
concerns but I was not receptive to her opinions.

I have had 4 babies close together and I think it’s changed me as a person. I think differently now and my emotions are all over the place. Super emotional and I feel myself slipping into a bit of a depression :(

I have a gp app on Monday as I need to sort contraception.

Truthfully I had low self esteem all my late teens and drank too much , but myself in unsafe situations and has many failed situationships etc

He picked you because you were vulnerable, and it helps him if you remain vulnerable.

But your feelings of being swept off your feet by love are understandable.

A therapist might want to explore what happened when you were very young that set you up with the low self-esteem, drinking, and the unsafe situations in the first place, before he even came along to take advantage of all this.

Really nothing noteworthy that I can think of. I had a normal upbringing.

I’ve always been ‘compliant’ to men I liked , wanting them to like me. I’ve Never had confidence in that way.

I was absolutely swept off my feet when I met DH. So so much of it was amazing and wonderful I ignored all the tricky bits. I was pretty young.

maybe this is why the thought of sharing my struggles with my mum makes me feel sick. They did so much for me and she would never guess I’m such a weak person. You would never know if you knew me IRL .

You're not weak. What makes you say you are?

I absolutely think there's something significant in your formative years. Perhaps your dad behaved towards your mum in similar ways that your husband does (not rape necessarily but love bombing and sulking maybe) or perhaps it's something else. But you've definitely got your ideas about what's normal in a relationship from somewhere. That's something to explore in counselling.

How old were you when you met your husband and was there a large age gap? How quickly did you have your first child? No need to answer if you feel it's too identifying.

What are the "tricky bits" that you ignored referring to?

There is unfortunately a pattern in abusive or unhealthy relationships. It often involves targeting someone vulnerable (e.g. much younger, or just out of an abusive relationship) love bombing or sweeping off their feet, being overly attentive, moving things fast, then later keeping them pregnant and dependent, denying them access to finances etc. Not letting them have privacy, a life of their own.

You’re not a weak person, you have been manipulated.

We all want to be loved and when the person closest to us does something terrible, like rape, you want to minimise that and make excuses that maybe deep down he’s good, maybe you got it wrong or that it won’t happen again…But it’s already happened numerous times and when it’s even what you appear to want, he’s still coercing you into it.

I would only tell your mum if you genuinely need help in leaving. I can’t imagine if my DD told me something like that, but then chose to stay him!!! I’d be constantly worried out of my mind.

I hope you find the inner strength to leave but tbh, reading through your thread and all the excuses you make for him, I doubt it.

yes I was young and he’s 12 years older.
At the time I thought nothing of it as I thought I was ‘mature’ and boys my age were idiots.

We waited a little bit before having our first, 4 years I think. Things did move quick in terms of living together and getting married . No one expressed concerns at the time least of all me.

I mentioned before the early days of our relationship were a bit tricky because we both drank too much and we would argue, I packed up and left a few times but I would always come back because I literally felt like I couldn’t live without him. Like the heartbreak was too much. I would have done anything for him. But he also did a lot for me, he quit drinking as this was the cause of a lot of our issues and worked on himself a lot. Things improved a lot before we started having children and the last 9ish years have been mostly really happy.

Do therapists help you remember things from your childhood because honestly I don’t remember anything like that. My childhood was very stable. I really think my choices were just my own based on the whole fairytale of it. Older guy, had money and his own place, super attentive and didn’t mess me around like others had, such a cliche.

No I won’t be telling her, I was just making the point that I don’t feel comfortable talking to my close family about this as a few people have suggested.

Im still weighing up talking to my best friend but I’m worried about the can of worms it will open. Like she will be upset but not know what to do with the information.

I keep coming back because I’ve been as low as you’re feeling and I want you to know you are not alone and that life does get better. It’s a big deal to talk about this to your friend. I wouldn’t worry about her not knowing what to do. It will be such a relief for you to share it. She doesn’t need to do anything. You can make that clear at the start. It’s really not healthy to live silently like this. I think as mothers we put others first, there comes a time where you need to get selfish to act in a responsible way for your children and yourself. This is not a healthy way to live.

I agree - I hope you managed to speak to your friend OP . Do take care and look after yourself x
remember that it’s not your fault and you sound like a lovely person

I hope you’re doing ok OP and that you can have a nice and safe Mother’s Day today xx

I find myself coming back here because I am paralysed to do anything further irl. I’m sorry everyone I know you have already given all the advice in the world. You don’t have to reply if it makes you feel frustrated.

I had one therapy session where I spoke about the sexual assault when I was at uni and relationship ‘strain’ now. I planned to tell her about what happened between my husband and I and I became (probably irrationallly) panicked that she would somehow know him and recognise the surname. That her husband might work with him or something. The therapist was too close to hone and I would see her out and about or something. It’s like I want to tell someone but I don’t want the repercussions of it coming out . I became obsessed with this idea so haven’t gone back .

I contacted another therapist 30 mins drive away and spoke to her today. I just couldn’t bring myself to say it because I thought well she might consider that I am in ‘danger’ and that is a reason to break confidentiality agreement. I know that is probably not true and I am spiralling but I feel like I can’t risk it. Whenever I try to bring it up I just feel frozen.

Despite what has happened I do not want it out in the open. I fear how angry he would be and I just don’t feel he deserves his life ruined.

I don’t know what to do so I am writing it out on here instead!

Things have been ok at home. The weekend was largely good and we had some nice family time. My nervous system has calmed down and I can eat again and don’t feel awful all the time. I am functioning ‘normally’ but I just feel a bit sad and like there is a sad veil over everything. I think he senses this and is over compensating by being extra lovely.

We have not discussed it again as what’s the point.

Change doesn't happen slowly and in a line. It is all plateux, backtrack, sudden chnage and pause.

It may be that you are just not in a place where you can disclose IRL yet. Online counselling? Even text or email advice?

But make no mistake, things aren't normal and they never were. You can choose the pace but you can't choose reality to be different without action.

In your next session - and if you liked the first or second therapist there is no reason you can’t go back to one of them - ask them about confidentiality and your fears around that. I’m pretty sure they will tell you that everything stays in the room unless you reveal a safeguarding issue (as in, if you disclosed your children are being abused) and even in such circumstances they would tell you what action they are taking. I think you need to hear it from them directly to be comfortable enough to talk about it.

I think you already know this fear you have says something in itself, and I think that’s something you should talk to your therapist about too. Perhaps that’s how you can introduce the topic - describe your fears that are making you withhold the detail. You need the reassurance that your disclosures are safe, but you also need to work through why you feel like this as part of your therapy I think.

OP, have you told your husband that it's his behaviour towards you that means you need the counselling, or have you told him it is about your previous sexual assault?

When we discussed it and I said I would like to see a therapist he said I should , to discuss the previous sexual assault. He suggested I feel the way I do now because I have never dealt with that. I didn’t really correct him so he probably assumed it’s mainly about that .

Ok - I guess it should be ok as no danger to children or immediate to myself.

I just can’t stand the idea that they are connected to my life somehow and know all this - dc school/work/the community. I know lots of people