Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

When you’ve been in a long relationship and so focused on an idea of “family” it’s very scary to think differently. It’s also very difficult to throw a grenade into your life. However, I think when you’ve started coming to mumsnet for this kind of advice it’s a sign that the relationship is over. It may take years to get to that point but I do believe the OP will one day realise this is not a viable option for her children and ultimately for herself (because at the moment she can’t contemplate putting herself first).

I saw this on the BBC earlier.
It is an "uncomfortable truth" that "the greatest threat to women is not from strangers in dark alleys, but from those they know, trust and often live with", says Gemma Sherrington, CEO of women's charity Refuge.

If you re determined to try, and I think you will feel differently in time, can you set boundaries?

access to banks accounts, no sexualised behaviour near the children, no sex while asleep, no sex without consent? Can you? Will he?

Yes my Mum watched him get into bed with me (my single bed, in their bedroom, she sitting up in their double bed)

And then he RAPED me .

This carried on , over several years.

Just saying this, to demonstrate how coercive controls works.

My mum was totally controlled by my sperm donor. (So called father)

She was lovely, but totally mesmerized by him.

I escaped, because he died when I was in my teens

You can escape .

You really can!

@ByPinkPoet1
do you ever get a break? It could be helpful to go for a long weekend on your own to stay with your friend in Europe.

@shoppingred54 I don’t see OP can get an hour to herself never mind leave four young kids with an unstable man to go to Europe.

Is it mushroom season or something?

@ProudWomanXX that is heartbreaking to hear 💐💐💐I am so sorry this happened to you.

@ByPinkPoet1 we have heard alot of what your situation is now, but what about you? What do you like doing, what are your interests?

@ProudWomanXX this is so sad that your mother was enabling an abuser and assisting instead of protecting you. Sending much love your way and so sorry you went through this all x

yes the friend I mentioned earlier, whos daughetr tried to kill herself due to his control when she reached teens, was abused by her step father and her mother allowed it. thought it was better to have any man than to stop him, explained away her daughters rape as 'nothing much' and 'what men are like' by both her step father and then later her husband. Really angry when my friend started divorce proceedings. He controlled everything. But appeared to be the perfect provider. Said he knew he raped her and showed crocodile tear remorse.

like a lot of mums I’ve lost a lot of my ‘interests’ with the business of life! But Im creative and love drawing & painting - and singing! My kids take after me with that :) I also work 4 days per week in a creative role but the juggle is hard for us both.

i get a break when I go to the gym !! but I wouldn’t go away for days at a time @shoppingred54 . Plus we couldn’t afford a trip aThe moment. My friend also has her own stress going on which we all seem to at the stage in life and I wouldn’t want to dump myself and my problems on her.

@ProudWomanXX im so sorry that happened to you 💜I assure you I would never put my children at risk. I know a lot of people would say I am but promise I’m not. I would always protect them if I thought there was any chance of danger for them.

Yes, we discussed all this and he has promised to do better and he wants to change and improve things

so far, it’s only been a day or so I know, it’s been a lot better

I’m so sorry about your friends daughter x

But you are OP and I am sorry to keep saying it but you are

Let’s say he has a proper sex addiction like any addiction it bleeds out into all aspects of life. Your children are living in a sexually charged environment that simply isn’t healthy for them at all

if you do want to believe him he needs to get help and any and all sexual behaviour that isn’t wanted or in complete privacy needs to stop

the problem is you cannot see the danger because to you it is normal life

It’s possible you are right that I don’t notice it but I can’t imagine the thought of shared custody, all the battles and heartache that comes with it.

In my own way I feel I am prioritising them but staying and trying to work it out with their dad who they adore and is a great father majority of the time. I have a lot of friends who have required couples therapy to work through major issues in their marriages and it has helped them. So I am wanting to try

Couples therapy is great where there are issues in a relationship, but it's not appropriate to have therapy together when it's domestic abuse. I mean you can't even come out straight and say to him that he raped you, are you going to be able to say that to a therapist in front of him?

I'd strongly suggest you continue with your own therapy and talk to the rape crisis people.

I think the issue here is his sexually inappropriate behaviour that has to stop I think you are downplaying and underestimating the impact this will have and how it could spill out into their lives - what behaviours are so normalised to them it spills out into their world

you leaving would remove that from the home and stop them

and is he going to stop because by all accounts since he said he has a problem he is still pestering you

you need separate therapy

If he’s a sex addict, he’s an addict and addicts will charm, threaten and manipulate anyone to get their fix.
OP is delusional thinking he’s a good father. A good father does not rape the mother of his children.
Children pick up on so, so much and it is delusional to think they are being protected.
A man who rapes you does not love you.
I am not sure what a therapist can do here faced with this level of delusion.

He also raped her while she was heavily pregnant. Their beautiful baby affected by the stress of the situation and their mum being attacked while sobbing. Most men, normal and loving fathers to be, would be horrified to cause stress to their heavily pregnant wife in any way let alone by raping them.

And he was angered by his children being completely normal and needing some attention during the night as tiny babies, saying ‘for fucks sake’ and being cruel to their mum for attending to, them like any loving mother would instinctively do, because it meant he couldn’t continue to have sex at that exact moment as a result.

He continued to pester the mother of his children for sex throughout the day, despite her 24 hours previously breaking down about the rape and saying she needs some time with sex off the table.

This is not a good father OP.

Please don’t let him continue to believe he is deep down. His behaviour is so dangerous it’s literally criminal. You’re living with a sex offender and so are your children.

Please be honest with your counsellor about everything.

your post made me cry - it’s incredibly hard to see if written down in black and white like that

its so hard to accept that he also has that side to him , especially when he’s being 100% perfect and wonderful like right now. but seeing you write it like this it’s hard to ignore

I have more therapy next week
What else can I do about how sad I feel

I’m so sorry I made you cry OP, I hate the thought of you being even more upset than before.

I just feel so strongly that he is a master manipulator who has trained you to believe things are true when they aren’t, because it keeps you compliant and maintains his role as the centre of your world.

Do you feel able to hand this thread over to your therapist at the start of your session and tell her that it is the easiest way for you to give her a completely transparent and honest account of your headspace?

I can’t think of a better and more accurate way of explaining what’s going on than showing this to her.

I agree with @throwawayimplantchat it’s too painful for you to speak this out loud. Give the therapist the thread. Or show her the post at 09.42. The thread is too long to read. It will be the best use of your time and money. Please keep going to the therapy.

you leaving would remove that from the home and stop them

That depends on how he would behave towards the children when he had shared custody of some sort.