Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

This is textbook abuse, OP. Read back your 79 posts. Start noting down in a journal how you feel. Please keep going to the therapy on your own.

I agree with a pp - he gets annoyed with kids noise / mess and interruptions to his sex time with you. It doesn’t make sense he wants a baby for right reasons. Hes not a sex addict, he is an abuser , dont be fooled @ByPinkPoet1 he has a plan to extend his abuse. Please please be really careful - sort your contraception asap and please speak to a domestic abuse organisation. Sorry if I sound like a stuck record but I am really concerned.

He wfh on Monday and the atmosphere was pretty bad, I ended up breaking down and we had another long chat. I explained my mental health was suffering and he agrees he has issues where he feels like he needs sex to feel happy and he would try to work on this. I will admit that I did ‘give in’ in a way with sex but the feelings are complicated. I didn’t not enjoy it which probably says a lot about me too.

You explained your MH is suffering because of this. He explained he has issues being happy if he doesn't. Then you had sex.

Which means he knew, going in, that he was choosing his 'happiness' (i.e. wants) over your MH (i.e. needs).

And you didn't enjoy it. Which he knows and either doesn't care or actively enjoys. I'm so sorry OP. So so sorry.

@ByPinkPoet1 I don’t want to sound picky or critical- can I check what you meant here? You said you ‘didn’t not enjoy it’.

If you did enjoy elements of the sex despite the circumstances, that’s ok. It’s what our bodies are designed to do, and yours has been well trained to respond to him- it can be a protective measure. It’s ok if it felt good.

Whether or not you enjoyed it, he’s manipulative. Sort out contraception that he can’t sabotage- maybe the implant or coil.

He is working hard to keep things the way he likes them to be.

This is so very important to realise:the physical responses the body has during sex, including an orgasm, do not necessarily mean the sex took place without coercion.

Think of abusive tickling. A person with laugh when tickled while shouting “Stop! stop!”

edited for clarity

The reason you feel like that is because he is abusive. Not just that one incident, he is abusive and has sexually assaulted you plenty of times, coerced consent/being asleep, is not consent.
He is abusing you and has trained you to feel fear and guilt when challenging him to make you feel unable to do so.

It's the whole point, you can't abuse and control someone who feels confident challenging you.

Just reread again and wanted to say. The whole "I think there's something wrong with me will you help me get therapy" is a manipulation technique. If he felt like that he should go to the gp or do research. Exactly what you did for yourself.

You're supposed to say "no there's nothing wrong with you, it's me, I'm sorry, it's nothing, forget about it." And then stop talking about it and make yourself have sex when you don't want to so he doesn't feel bad about himself.

The more I read, the more horrified I am.

i hope you have a fabulous therapist who will be able to help you quickly. Please talk to your friend too. And WA.

💐

The baby talk is because he’s sensed a shift in you and he can’t allow you to slip from his control so he’s shifting the abusive goalposts to twist you into a pretzel so he continues to get his own way

Honestly OP I’ve been on MN a long time and I think he’s the most manipulative abuser I’ve ever read on here. Every move you make it seems he’s always trying to get one step ahead so you can’t escape.

Please talk to women’s aid - and please continue coming here for support

Yes @ByPinkPoet1 continue to post. There will always be someone around to listen and try and help.

Agree. Feel free to @ us whenever.

again, thank you everyone for your messages of support. It’s very helpful to know that there are some people who will listen and you have all been so kind.

@Tootiredcantsleep to answer your question he dotes on me, is the perfect husband in many ways and does a lot of household jobs/ gets up with the kids. No issues there.

I have been thinking a lot (can you tell!) . Things have been much better between us. I love him and I feel that with time I can rebuild the trust we had. We have had some significant issues in our marriage but I don’t want to throw away all the time and love and memories. I have chosen to try to forgive and move on.

Im sorry if that’s triggering for anyone. Thank you for the offer of ongoing support.
you are all lovely people x

Perfect husbands don't rape their wives repeatedly.
Perfect husbands don't put their wives into so much sexual pressure that they locked themselves in the bathroom, or eventually given because they're fed up.
Perfect husbands aren't financially controlling
Perfect husbands are usually liked by the wife's friends, not the contrary.
Perfect husbands don't get shouty, and moody to the extent you're walking on eggshells.
Perfect husbands don't start swearing because a child wakes an an convenient time.
Perfect husbands respect their wives wishes and their bodily autonomy.

Actually, this isn't even perfect husbands, this is a minimum bar for a husband.

I'm becoming increasingly concerned for you OP. Things can't go back to as they were before because she's been committing incredibly serious crimes against you.

It's not for you to rebuild the trust. It's him that has betrayed your wedding vows, repeatedly and in the most disgusting way. He should be doing the running for this, he should be the one in anguish at what he's put you through. The fact that he isn't and you still feel like it's for you to fix shows you what kind of man he actually is. I'm sorry, but we see through the mask here, even if you don't.

How can you forgive when he has been abusive towards you even yesterday? This isn't something that's over it's his ongoing abuse of you. It's constant, and it's not something you can just bury down forever.

I imagine you will be up and down with this @ByPinkPoet1 Please continue to reach out when you need to again, and I really hope you continue with the therapy sessions - I’m a bit worried you will write them off as part of putting it behind you but please don’t. Remember what brought you to create this thread, remember what brought you here before that. If all is going to be well it can withstand you talking about it in therapy.

This post isn’t aimed at the OP but to everyone who has read her threads.
Many generous posters have detailed their own abuse in the hope it may help.
One poster has noted that the DH here is the worst abuser she has ever come across on MN.
I agree.
Pages and pages of a deeply damaged wife being raped, abused and manipulated. Children in the home, bless them, who won’t be immune.
Whilst the OP had thanked the kind posters, and politely apologised, nobody here wanted thanks or apologies. We don’t need placating.
Sadly, I have had to give up on a friendship with someone similar to the OP here. It was destroying me.
I feel so very sad for this woman. There is no real love in this home. Just control, abuse and fear. It will impossible for a therapist to unravel.
To every poster you will be feeling frustrated and that your words have fallen upon deaf ears.
Choosing a rapist over your own safety, and over the long term wellbeing of your kids, and probably bringing in a fifth one, is a level of self harm we cannot fathom.

I hear what you’re saying and agree to an extent, but OP has been horrifically abused by a very manipulative man, who has made her think the abuse is an act of love and kindness.
For OP this journey towards realisation has been traumatic and deeply confusing and she clearly feels conflicted. It can take many attempts for women to leave abusive men and I think in this case the abuse has been very insidious.
@ByPinkPoet I hope you save parts of this thread to come back to - I don’t think your journey of realisation is done. Don’t be put off coming back here if you need to voice thoughts and feelings as they come to you. Like other PPs I hope that before too long you realise that this relationship is unhealthy and you break free, for both you and your children. Please do keep going to counselling and I genuinely hope it helps you.
read back your posts and see how confused, hurt, scared and upset you have been - that’s not for nothing. You know deep down it’s not right and eventually I hope that leads you to break free of this cycle. I wish you luck and future happiness and peace.

OP has been trapped in a hideous cycle of abuse for years. She's starting to see it, but is currently in the hoovering stage. Please keep posting OP, even if it's just to say it's going okay.

Agree with this, a lot of posters on this thread care about your wellbeing. You’ve been at this stage again @ByPinkPoet1 of feeling great love for your husband only to feel awful again in a few days time. Sex does release the “love” hormone and it’s not something that you can control. Your husband won’t give you the space as he knows you will realise this isn’t normal, and you have said this a few times in the past week op, that you realise things are not normal. I am not frustrated with you ..: it took me years to take the leap and leave. The thing you need to work on is staying strong. Do not discuss what is said between you and the therapist as it will give your husband insight to sabotage the therapy.

Oh darling. Like many others here who are rooting for you, my heart breaks a bit more with every additional post about him.

A decent man who learned that his wife was having a hard time mentally with a grave error he made three years ago would 100% support you taking sex off the table for as long as you need - with the expectation of months into years, not a couple of weeks max.

Claiming "Sex addiction" is a cliche amongst men who don't respect women's boundaries. It's a trope, so many of them bring it out and it's never true. It's just another tactic to try to centre him as the victim and not you.

Because rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power and control. Your therapist will tell you as much.

OP whether or not it he is your husband it is still sexual assault. You are protecting someone who raped you.

Your feelings of guilt are so misplaced. You are blaming yourself and worried about his feelings which is wrong.

I truly hope therapy starts the healing and you see the horrible hard truth here.

Truly OP I don’t believe you so deeply love this man. I think you’re so trauma bonded that the only way you can deal with the reality is by clinging to the facade of the man you want him to be rather than the abusive rapist he really is.

You aren’t ready to accept the truth yet and so it’s easier to give in to the abuse and keep fighting with your own gut which is screaming at you.

Please talk to someone in real life and keep coming back here for support.

Truthfully @ByPinkPoet and @ByPinkPoet1 it is triggering not for you but for your children who are living in a sexualised controlling and abusive environment for which they have noticed and will believe me suffer for

because you are putting him first and then yourself and certainly not them

@ByPinkPoet don’t feel you cannot come back to this thread later, even in months, even in years.

In a way I can understand what you are doing as in many ways as it is what people of our grandmothers’ generations would have decided under the same circumstances, especially as they would have thought it their duty and for the greater good of their children, as well as have believed their husbands were entitled to sex on demand at all times; and also, I think, how some wives influenced by certain less modern cultures ( including Evangelical Christian) might still respond.

But do at least, as others have said, continue with your therapy alone. What, for example, might have been happening to you in your childhood that made you think you were only worthy of one night stands when you were a very young woman? What made you want to drink too much? What happened when the PDST of your first appalling rape went underground in you and you never had help? Your being inured to harm has surely come after a whole series of extremely difficult events going way back in your life.

What we’re saying here is really hard for you to hear, believe, live with. It’s very uncomfortable. Don’t let that put you off checking in. We will still be here next time you need someone to hear you and help you make sense of things.

It’s ok. It’s a hard thing to process and understand. We see things in very stark terms, while you are carrying all the emotion and commitment of decades, and the investment you have made in your home and family. We aren’t looking at it through your eyes.

If you take nothing else on, remember you can come here when you’re confused. I really hope you will keep up with the therapy. It will help you hold your boundaries and become stronger in all areas of your life. I had therapy and it made me a much better parent.

Just a last word. It’s possible that there were also uncomfortable dynamics in your childhood. There may have been someone there whose needs were always met, even at the cost of someone else. If your parents are unsympathetic about your marriage, if they side with him, or tell you to be grateful, just remember that something trained you up to be a suitable wife for this man, to be compliant and obliging and put your needs last. Your parents may not be a healthy source of advice.

Don’t apologise for the decisions you make- only you will know when you are ready to make changes. We understand the dynamics of your situation, but you are the one living it. You get to choose. You’ll get support here when you need it.