Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

In front of the children? Because that is sexualised behaviour in front of them too

Oh OP 😔 I wonder if you would feel able to hand your friend your phone when you see them and ask them to read through this thread as you find it all so hard to say out loud (absolutely understandably)?

Please make sure this is a friend whose loyalty is to you, not the wife of one of his close friends / family members for example who may speak to him about it. You need a real life confidante at the moment I think.

But we are all 100% here for you too. I’m aghast at his behaviour. He is one of the worst men I’ve read about on here in the decade or so I’ve been reading. It really is that serious. We are all here to listen to you.

Stay firm, perhaps have some lines in your head you can repeat to him.

“I’m not in the mood at the moment, I told you that clearly.”

“It’s really important to me to feel listened to on this and for you to respect me not being in the mood.”

“It’s off the table until I feel ready and I don’t know when that will be. You told me you wanted me to feel safe and comfortable. You listening to me saying no will make me feel that way.”

This is not a relationship you can safely stay in long term but I know the idea of leaving feels too much at the moment. We are all here for you until your head is clearer

I don't think it's a porn thing as such. I think it's a "completely unable to see a woman as a person and understand that people are different". It's an arsehole thing. He feels entitled to your body.

I think you should show your friend this x

Kind of when they are not looking. It’s like he finds it funny kind of like a game. We have spoken about it before but he’s just insistent that it’s normal behaviour in a relationship.

someone earlier said he just doesn’t respect my boundaries and I think that’s a good description. In most aspects of life but particularly with sex. there have been lots of things over the years which I’ve let go as a kind of ‘ugh men’ thing where I’ve not been 100% comfortable. And then I feel like I’m not a good wife, not sexy/adventurous enough and so on.

@throwawayimplantchat I will try to show her but she doesn’t live anywhere near so it will be a phone chat . I can send it I guess

If you’re 100% confident that your husband doesn’t read your messages / emails then I think that sending her a link to this thread before you speak, warning her it’s something difficult to read but something you need some support with and don’t want to discuss over message “so please don’t reply to this at all until we speak on the phone” and ONLY having the phone call at a time you’ll definitely be alone (I find solo walks are great for chats like this but don’t know how feasible that is for you) that could work well.

I think women’s aid would be very helpful to you but I understand that at the moment while this still feels surreal, that may feel like too large a step. Then delete the message / email you sent the link in. BUT if there’s any chance he could see your message before you delete it then it might not be a good idea.

Him pursuing you like this so soon after you discussed him sexually assaulting you when heavily pregnant and sobbing is heartbreaking.

I can’t emphasise enough how shocking it is. This is serious lovely and not an environment that is suitable for your kids to grown up in

The atmosphere at the moment is … weirdly tense .

it’s been two weeks since my mental health took a nose dive and but I’m feeling a bit more stable now. Not wanting to do anything huge though

a massive part of me still wants us to be happy again if I’m honest

To me personally, a man being flirty/a bit touchy out of the sight of kids, but when they are around the house is fine, as long as it's pretty low level. But (and I cannot express how big a BUT this is), if it's unwanted it instantly is a no no.

For us, it might give a hint as to the mood we are in, and that there might be a hope of continuing it after bed time, but only if we are both in the mood later. Understanding the other person's body language is essential, and if they aren't giving off the vibes that they are in the mood, the other one of us just backs off. No discussion, no huffing, no persuading, no whining. It doesn't matter how much of a 'drought' there might be, is we aren't both enthusiastic, it doesn't happen, and that's fine.

What you are experiencing is him treating you like an object to use, rather then sometime he loves and respects.

But it's not about whether he's giving your bum a squeeze in the kitchen whilst the kids are playing. It's about him giving your bum (for example) a squeeze to show what he expects and demands from you, when you've asked him to give you a break sexually, because you're having therapy because he repeatedly rapes you. Then nagging, and huffing and manipulating, until you give in because at least that way you justify it to yourself that you consented, rather than him forcing you.

But they will be picking up on it and they will notice and it could spill over into their lives - look you have normalised all of this so to them it is normal - how he behaves has simply become normal male behaviour when it is far from normal or acceptable

they will see the touching and they may well do it themselves thinking it is normal and exactly how do you think that will go

that will spill out they are living in a constantly sexually charged environment because of him how can it not and it isn’t a game is it it is your and your children’s life

I don’t have anything extra to add OP, just wanted to say I hope you’re ok x

Sounds like an awful situation. Sending strength 💛

Also I hope you managed to speak to Womens Aid today?
💗

Just checking in. I hope everythingis quiet.

Having experienced something similar, I spoke to him about it at the time. His response was not ideal. I believe if you bring it up now and say he raped you that it will irretrievably damage your marriage. I would go to counselling first. It's done, he did it. Now it's about whether you can move on or whether you need to leave him. But I don't believe it's safe to talk to him about it.

OP has already spoken to him about it a few days ago. His response was not great imo and she’s still struggling

@ByPinkPoet another one checking in x

Update - this is the OP
Sorry everyone, I wanted to update and not just disappear as I’m aware people were probably wondering.

I had a total panic attack Sunday. Husband gave me silent treatment all day and was edgy with the kids- noise , mess etc .

I’d had a few drinks at home to try and take the edge off (I know I know) and by the evening I had worked myself up and was convinced he’d seen my phone and seen what I was writing. I was petrified of his reaction to this so I deleted my whole account! Now I know I can’t get my username back.

Once sober the next day I realised this is probably not the case as I’m very careful and why shouldn’t I have just one place to vent my stress. I also didn’t want people worrying about me.

He wfh on Monday and the atmosphere was pretty bad, I ended up breaking down and we had another long chat. I explained my mental health was suffering and he agrees he has issues where he feels like he needs sex to feel happy and he would try to work on this. I will admit that I did ‘give in’ in a way with sex but the feelings are complicated. I didn’t not enjoy it which probably says a lot about me too.

Thank you for checking up on me @MrsTerryPratchett @DoesthislookgoodOnMe
this really is a lovely community and I’m glad I decided to post here a few weeks ago

There are so many things that I love about him, us, our family that I am going to try to work through my issues in therapy and he has agreed to attending couples therapy too.

He also started talking yesterday about whether I ever thought about another baby!! I said no I’m more than happy with the 4 we have and he seemed to be ok with that but that just came out of nowhere !

thanks all, sorry for the silence x

I’m so sorry @ByPinkPoet1but he’s done it again. This is 100% sexual coercion - you “gave in”, didn’t enjoy it. This is so serious.

The fact you feel so terrible all about this is your nervous system detecting threat - it’s literally sending off alarm bells in your body. Your brain hasn’t caught up, but it will. I know you want things to go back to how they were, but this wasn’t a happy marriage - your mind was blocking out everything to keep you safe. It can no longer do that. Listen to your body which is screaming at you to get out of this situation.

@ByPinkPoet1 I am worrii of er he’s suggesting another baby. He senses you seeing him for what he is and so he’s trying to make you more vulnerable.
get yourself on the pill as I am worried when he tries it on with you in the middle of the night at least you will be protected. But don’t tell him about it.
There is a pattern emerging here after these heart to hearts which is that he gets sex. So even though you are verbalising that it feels wrong, he over rides it ( no pun intended) and you end up having sex. It’s a non verbal way of him saying to you that you are ok with it. It’s a cycle that is best discussed with your therapist.

Every time you have sex with him your body subconsciously lets off feel good hormones and it shows in your post as every time, you come back and say you love him. Then a few days later your nervous system goes into a panic. Please take care x

He also started talking yesterday about whether I ever thought about another baby!! I said no I’m more than happy with the 4 we have and he seemed to be ok with that but that just came out of nowhere !

I am afraid to say it did not come out of nowhere. It comes from knowing that another pregnancy would immediately pin you down further.

The suggestion for another baby is not random, this is reproductive abuse. Making it harder for you to leave by trapping you further.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I would say couples therapy is very dangerous with an abuser, please be very careful.

Agree with @DropOfffArtiste - no couples therapy. He is a really unsafe person. The suggestion of another baby is a sign he fears losing control.
I know you feel conflicted but please continue to call woman’s aid or the national domestic abuse help line.

This is deeply concerning. His actions are not of that of a good man. Another baby would increase his control over you further, and of course trying to conceive would involve sex.

A good man would be deeply apologetic for his nagging you (saying that, a good man wouldn't have been nagging you in the first place, respect your in the first place etc)
. A good man would have suggested going for counselling himself on his sexual boundaries, staying in a spare room or sleeping somewhere else in the meantime, promising (and not going back on it) to completely take sex off the table until you feel comfortable, and then it would only be at your initiation, with zero pressure on you.

I hate the way he is using you and manipulating you, and you still think he's being lovely.

How is he with other stuff around the family by the way? Does he take equal share in cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care? Does he take an equal role in dealing with night wakes for the children? Do you feel you need to manage their behaviour to make sure he doesn't get angry?

He wants another baby to tie you to him and keep you dependent. Is your contraception rock solid? As in completely under your control, not his? If not make it so it is (coil is probably safest). Don't rely on condoms because he could put a pin through the packet. Though he doesn't seem the type to agree to condoms.

If you stay in this situation where you're being sexually coerced and raped you will either have a breakdown or your body may start rebelling with pain or other kinds of symptoms. Your nervous system is already giving your warnings and several other posters have picked up on this too.

Don't do couples therapy. He's an abuser, he may attempt to use the sessions to coerce or emotionally abuse you. You're going into it with different aims - you want him to stop raping you and pestering you and you are very clearly frightened of him and hope counselling will fix that (it will not fix any of it), he's doing it in the hope that he gets more sex or that the counsellor tells you that you're wrong and he's right or that it makes you stop complaining about him raping you. He wants you "fixed" where fixed means compliant, ready to have sex at any moment including when kids are around and need attention, don't have thoughts or wishes of your own. He wants a sex robot that looks after the kids basically.

With your counsellor you need to unpick why you think you love him. I think maybe you don't really understand what love is because it sounds like all your relationships have been abusive. I suspect you confuse sex with love. This marriage is not love. It's not even close to it.

Oh OP I’m genuinely not surprised he suggested a baby, perhaps you won’t believe me but I was already thinking this would come up and was going to mention it. I know you’ve deleted old threads, but it hadn’t escaped my notice that:

1. The number of children you’ve had means you always have a young one restricting you.
2. To keep this up it will be time for another (that, and you already voicing your unhappiness)
3. He doesn’t like mess, noise and having his sex life interrupted, so what does he want another baby for? Well, see above.

I think you need to do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself safe but please keep going to therapy and be honest there, please find someone you can confide in IRL too, and please don’t close your eyes now to the situation.

Also the suggestion of another baby would require sex which he's desperate to have. He wants to create a narrative that you've both moved on from this 'misunderstanding'. He's protecting himself in case you decide to go to the police. Has he put any of this in writing by text/WhatsApp etc? I'm not disagreeing with others saying it's a way to keep you trapped and dependent - it's all of that too.