sexual talk on the phone.WWYD

[speir]

I met a man last weekend.were both divirced and single.We chatted for the night, he walked me home and asked to meet the next day.we did and spent the whole day togetehr chatting and laughing.i asked a friend to find out a little about him.she came back to say he is known as a gentleman and absolutely lovely. His story added up, most importantly for me.
We're texting since and then this morning he asked if I want to hear a dirty joke, I said I would.it was tame. He was obviously testing the waters.I laughed and face palmed emoji and he returned to say perhaps it was a little early for thatstuff...
Were going for dinner tomorrow, he's booked it and is travelling to my town to bring me out.
I replied saying not to worry, I was well used to that with friends and family...thats their humour at times.
He then text to ask if Id heard of a particular sexual position!
I said ' I have' and that was that, he had to go to a meeting.
Now I love a flirt and am very on for that when more established, but is it a ll a bit early for that? We wont be staying together tomorrow night and thats a given as he's travelling and I have children at home, albeit adult kids. Regardless, its too early for me.
What are your thoughts here and what do I say to pull this back a little?
thanks for reading

I have to agree with a couple of the previous posters. Don't be swayed by the ones saying he's a pervert etc. women want sex too- it's not just a man trying it on . You would think we were in the 1950s . Just have your own boundaries.

If she wants to fuck, all she has to do is say so. There is no dearth of cock in the world. But her hesitation suggests she's not just looking for sex. If so, she needs to call a line here.

I think you've accidentally set him up to fail with this one by mentioning hotels - he's most likely read that as you being keen and wanting a potential hotel stay and he's tried to meet you in that headspace by saying he hadn't considered that etc etc

Honestly it all just sounds like a bit of clumsy miscommunication on both sides. Have a good chat about it all on your date and see where you both stand - loads easier to talk in person than via message

Surely he can be traditional and still enjoy sex?

I wouldn’t like this and would probably end it, but then my threshold for pervy nonsense is very low, especially at the start 😆

It’s not just about sex. It’s about testing the boundaries too soon.

Yep. There seems to be this strange view on MN that not wanting to exchange sexual messages with a virtual stranger equals not enjoying sex further down the line when there’s absolutely no correlation between the two.

Too many men spoil what could be something’ good by pushing boundaries too early.

I wouldn't be trying to decipher where he is staying after a few drinks, it's almost inviting that angle of conversation surely. You're both going home separately. More importantly, are you looking forward to seeing him?

I really
am but I’m very nervous !

This really annoys me and more importantly is not the behaviour of a gentleman. He’s seeing how far he can push things and/or doesn’t have anything interesting to say but wants to keep some sort of convo going

Sorry to comment again but I think you should rethink the staying at the hotel together at least until you’ve made your boundaries crystal clear and know you’re both on the same page.

a lot of peoples idea of what is a gentleman is different, what someone thinks it’s princess treatment could be another persons beat minimum

Im
not staying at a hotel . Im
gooing g home after dinner!

I didn’t mean it in a judgy way so sorry if that’s how it came across.

have a conversation with him about it but if your gut is telling you something, there’s a reason for it xx

Hard to say , I do think he was testing the waters though.
My experience with dating has been if they initiate sex talk too quickly, they’re not all that interested in a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Nothing wrong with you saying from beginning what you’re looking for .
I’d be saying straight out something along the lines of
“ I’m all up for sexy phone talk, ( if you are that is ) but only with guys that I’m seeing, so we might reel it in for time being with positions until we see where this is taking us “ ☺️.
If he’s genuine & not just looking for sex , he’ll say to himself fair enough 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Ge sounds really crude and tacky to be honest and is just after a quick legover. Dump him and get someone with a bit of class.

I'd stop with the communicatng by text tbh.
Use texting to make arrangements only.
Pick up the phone to chat about likes/dislikes/boundaries/potential relationship. And discuss it face to face. That will give you a much better idea of what this man is about.

I agree asking him about hotels suggests you want him to be with him at night. Him asking you re sexual positons would give me the ick. I am what many would call a prude.

I would've said no thank you to the dirty joke and blocked his number after the sexual position thing

I fully agree with this and it becomes very easy to spot once you’ve seen it in action. They’re rushing it because they’re rushing you into the bedroom and then they’re speedily onto the next woman as efficiently as possible.

Hope you have a good evening @speir

Hey Speir - I hope you're having a great evening.

We had a wonderful night thank you . He drove , I had two drinks . He brought me a beautiful candle to mark the first date ( a chart about scents we like was the context here) we chatted about what we are looking for . We seem to be on the same page . My nature is to be intense which I kind of regret as I guess I was talking like I was in a relationship . His thoughts centred around the importance of kids not getting involved in anything to do with the adults’ for a very long time’ again, context was how our children albeit late teens and adults have been so traumatised by our separate splits. Otherwise he said he agreed with me and let’s see how things progress with us.
We kissed at the end of the night for long periods and that was it .
He sent a message thanking me etc etc .

I am glad to hear you enjoyed your evening and had a nice time and that you both seem to be on the same page.

Take it slow and enjoy dating and getting to know one another. It could blossom into something amazing, or it might well fizzle out, but in the meantime you can certainly enjoy each other's company and just see where it goes.

Good Luck x

It's OK and in fact correct to indicate upfront that you're looking for a long-term relationship and do NOT want hookups (if that is the case with you). It's not being intense at all.

He sounds a bit evasive. He might be a player who'll say whatever crap so that he can get his leg over.

Don't let yourself get rushed into anything.

And tbh, you really should check out Burned Haystack because:

"His thoughts centred around the importance of kids not getting involved in anything to do with the adults’ for a very long time’ "

sounds like the "My kids come first" rhetorical pattern:

"It’s a defensive statement, and we should ask why. It’s also an unnecessary statement, and we should interrogate that as well. “Kids come first” is literally the definition of the parental and societal contract. It’s assumed. It’s like saying “I really love my kids. They’re important to me.” Of course you do!
But that’s not how it’s ever phrased in the dating apps. Phrasing it as “My kids come first” is ALSO SAYING: “Don’t expect too much from me.” “Don’t expect me to prioritize you.” “Things in this relationship are going to be on my terms.” “I’m assuming the ‘Director’ role in this relationship before we’ve even met.” The person who writes this is making assumptions about the person who reads it, and those assumptions range from fear (This person is going to put too much pressure on me and demand too much from me and make me feel smothered!) to unchecked egotism (I’m the more desirable person in this relationship, and this person is clearly going to want to spend more time with me than I do with them)."

This guy has already had several rhetorical patterns - Test and Apologise is one. And he's been very presumptuous with sexual talk. Keep your wits about you.

https://burnedhaystack.substack.com/p/heres-whats-wrong-with-saying-my

Thanks for that link and information. It makes sense . I’m not sure of why he felt strongly about that … was it due to his children going through so much treatment and therapy related to the divorce or is it because he wants to keep a partner entirely separate part of his life for now .Both would make sense .
i know I was very intense and am kicking myself because while I fully agree about the importance of setting out my stall so to speak , I was talking like we were in a relationship for months so I’m a bit cringe. Great advice here though and I think I’ll let him chase a while and just match energy when things settle down.

If I was to say anything this is wWhat I’d say too OP 😂
Good luck with it all 🙌 ☺️