sexual talk on the phone.WWYD

[speir]

I met a man last weekend.were both divirced and single.We chatted for the night, he walked me home and asked to meet the next day.we did and spent the whole day togetehr chatting and laughing.i asked a friend to find out a little about him.she came back to say he is known as a gentleman and absolutely lovely. His story added up, most importantly for me.
We're texting since and then this morning he asked if I want to hear a dirty joke, I said I would.it was tame. He was obviously testing the waters.I laughed and face palmed emoji and he returned to say perhaps it was a little early for thatstuff...
Were going for dinner tomorrow, he's booked it and is travelling to my town to bring me out.
I replied saying not to worry, I was well used to that with friends and family...thats their humour at times.
He then text to ask if Id heard of a particular sexual position!
I said ' I have' and that was that, he had to go to a meeting.
Now I love a flirt and am very on for that when more established, but is it a ll a bit early for that? We wont be staying together tomorrow night and thats a given as he's travelling and I have children at home, albeit adult kids. Regardless, its too early for me.
What are your thoughts here and what do I say to pull this back a little?
thanks for reading

Why do you think he would string me along, based on what I’ve said here ?

Just to illustrate that we're all different and what works for one woman doesn't necessarily work for another, I feel I must point out that if anyone described sex to me as 'making love', I would not consider myself 'lucky'. My bits would snap shut like a bulldog clip and I would instantly know we weren't sexually compatible.

OP, it sounds to me as if he's trying to flirt and is being clumsy about it. I think he was testing the water when he ask if he could tell you a 'dirty joke' and thought you'd then be OK with that type of flirting. I can see why he would think it was OK because you said you were used to that type of humour etc. I don't think it necessarily indicates he's 'only after one thing', but equally that doesn't make you a prude if you don't like it - you're entitled not to be comfortable with it and you should definitely tell him if you're not keen.

I think I would be inclined to do that in a lighthearted way - something like 'You're getting a bit ahead of yourself here - rein it in for now, please 🤐' or whatever.

Well I’d rather have making love and what i have rather than crude let’s shag/fuck and wanting to exchange sexual pictures.

Check out burned haystack dating method.
It’s a classic pattern.
Test & Apologise.
Unsolicited sexual comment ( trying to pass as ‘banter’)
urghhh!

I thought this. I'm not even single, and I've heard of this MO. If you ignore this, it's going to escalate. Then you'll have to put him back in his box.

As I said - we’re all different. It wasn’t a criticism of you.

If he or may other man said’ making love’ I’d be gone . Interesting how we all differ. I like the light heartedness of the ‘rein it in ‘ comment. I think it shows that I’m not adverse to it but not until I’m comfortable with it .
te burned haystack, I’ll look it up but why would you say that after his first time ever alluding to sex when we’ve been chatting and texting all week and will meet tomorrow?

Of course everyone has different communication styles and are comfortable with different levels of flirting and that has to be respected, always.
I see his messages (from what you've told us) as getting to know you and your sexual/flirting/intimacy preferences. Hes opening communication to see if you two are compatible and isn't necessarily looking for sexting (although maybe would enjoy that, if it lead that way)

I would enjoy an open conversation like that and would find it useful. It would help me decide if he was the sort of person I want to be with. I don't think discussing sexual things necessarily indicates sex is on the cards imminently. You can make that clear in the conversation.

@speir

What did your friend mean when she told you, following her enquiries, that he was 'known as a gentleman'?

When me and dh started messaging i said i would be going in the bath soon. He asked for pics.. I sent one of the taps. That was the one and only 'offensive' message ever... He said he felt stupid sending it but thought thats what everyone wanted to be doing theses days!
Been married over a decade..
Maybe he was trying to appear ' cool' op. Cooler that he actually feels comfortable with.

He sounds gauche and clumsy in his efforts to engage with you. However you invited him to tell you the joke so really you brought it on yourself. The sexual position question was unnecessary though and you should have stopped him there and then.
He may be testing your boundaries so going forward l'd be clear you don't want to discuss sexual stuff at this point as you find it off putting when you haven't even got to know each other yet.

I agree re the making love. Makes me cringe when I hear/read that. That's me out of the door.

Sounds like he is taking the lead from you.
If you give the go-ahead for sex talk, looks like he will be very happy to indulge, if you back off, sounds like he will respect your wishes.

The ball is in your court to let him know what you find acceptable at this stage in your relationship.

There’s something between ‘making love/kiss you all over, and ‘fancy a shag’.

I wouldn’t want either so early on though.

Re gentleman .. He told me his side of things and I was careful
ton remember that this is his side of the story as it seemed really sad etc.
anyway the story correlated with what his previous nanny told a friend. She worked closely with him and his family for some years and felt that any woman would be lucky to find such a gentle, kind and loving father and person. That’s what she said to my friend.

The truth is though, as much as someone appears kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful to the outside world, they could be hiding a smorgasbord of stuff behind closed doors having cultivated a good image. Think of all the pillars of the community who kill their wives and abuse children etc.

Let him know you're not into the sexual talk, and his reaction will eventually tell you what sort of man he actually is.

I guess I felt secure in the knowledge that she knew the family so well and lived there. I’m trying not to be cynical yet ! But thanks

I was chatting to a guy who started testing the waters about smut. I just refused to engage with it and only answered normal texts and messages.

He did the haystack thing, saying he was so very sorry about it and then it began again. And he did the making lurve stuff too. I thought he was Barry White for a bit.

In the end he just backed off, so the rubbish took itself out to the wheelie bin so to speak. I did the right thing as I later found out he sent a flashing video of himself to another woman.

completely with you on that one! But then we are the people who the other night had the following conversation…
Me: ‘ohh it’s getting a bit late. Should’ve come to bed earlier’.
Him: ‘that’s okay lovely, doesn’t matter’.
Me: ‘fancy a quick blowjob then love?’
Him: ‘Go one then!’

and when we first started chatting we were VERY respectful on messages until after date one. Then I got impatient and tipsy one night and it very quickly turned filthy, including absolute shock horror, pictures and phone sex. Absolutely fancied each other rotten.
Not doing too bad - 5 years in, blissfully happy and engaged. Still have a fantastic sex life and adore each other!

I think some posters are being unfair to him. I like things to move fairly quickly sexually (I like to know if we're compatible early on, so no one's wasting time). So this would have been a natural progression for me.

If you don't like this that's fine but it doesn't sound like you've asked him to slow down - quite the opposite tbh, you've okayed it with your responses - if you'd said no thanks and he'd persisted then that would be another matter entirely.

Also, I always understood prudish to describe someone as judgemental of others as well as having boundaries for themself, i.e. someone who would judge my behaviour as described above.

@speir I met a man last weekend.were both divirced and single.We chatted for the night, he walked me home and asked to meet the next day.we did and spent the whole day togetehr chatting and laughing.

Chatting for the night and spending a whole day with an internet stranger is a big no-no, basically you're sending him a message that you have not much else going on in your life and he's the most important thing all of a sudden. You're investing way too much and too soon on a total stranger. Now you're questioning these "uncomfortable snippets" he's doing.

Boundaries, you need to work on them much more, specially when doing OLD. He might be a lovely man but that's usually not the case with guys on dating apps.

Sent one of the taps 😂

It sounds as though he is travelling quite some distance to come to your town to take you out for dinner.

Is there a possibility that he will suggest staying for the night at your house after all, as it's late and he's had a few drinks?

He definitely wouldn’t t expect that as we both don’t want others staying overnight at present , generally .. that’s been said

We met while out socialising in his home village