sexual talk on the phone.WWYD

[speir]

I met a man last weekend.were both divirced and single.We chatted for the night, he walked me home and asked to meet the next day.we did and spent the whole day togetehr chatting and laughing.i asked a friend to find out a little about him.she came back to say he is known as a gentleman and absolutely lovely. His story added up, most importantly for me.
We're texting since and then this morning he asked if I want to hear a dirty joke, I said I would.it was tame. He was obviously testing the waters.I laughed and face palmed emoji and he returned to say perhaps it was a little early for thatstuff...
Were going for dinner tomorrow, he's booked it and is travelling to my town to bring me out.
I replied saying not to worry, I was well used to that with friends and family...thats their humour at times.
He then text to ask if Id heard of a particular sexual position!
I said ' I have' and that was that, he had to go to a meeting.
Now I love a flirt and am very on for that when more established, but is it a ll a bit early for that? We wont be staying together tomorrow night and thats a given as he's travelling and I have children at home, albeit adult kids. Regardless, its too early for me.
What are your thoughts here and what do I say to pull this back a little?
thanks for reading

I can’t speak for that poster but I wonder if they’re thinking that the advice for first dates from OLD is a daytime coffee rather than dinner?
Because you’re meeting a complete stranger so giving them an hour in the afternoon is better. I think it’s the idea of being stuck over 3 courses with someone you know within minutes there’s no spark with is my idea of hell

But you’ve already met this man so it doesn’t apply.

Dinner is more "dangerous" because it's leissure time, more prone to " lets go to a bar for a drink" after dinner or "you want to join me to this party I'm going to once we finish dessert". Basically its more difficult to establish boundaries at night than if you go for a coffee or grab a bite during the day with no alcohol
involved.

Thanks. We’re both driving so no alcohol and he has quite a journey home.

As used to tell my then 16 year old stepson when he asked if his 15yr old girlfriend could spend the afternoon in his bedroom with him whilst I was at work, people can try to initiate sex or sex talk in the daylight you know!

Can you just explain your rationale a bit more please?

I suggested lunch for more than one reason.

When you've only just met someone and dont actually know them, meeting for lunch is a safer option; it's daylight and places are busier, so you are not alone if he turns out to not be the nice guy you thought.

It's also easier to have a bright and breezy lunch when you have only recently met. Pizza and coffee for a couple of hours is enough at this
point. It's less likely to include alcohol too. He may be a different person after a few glasses of wine.

I've always enjoyed going out to restaurants in the evening once I'm in a relationship with someone.

I can't help thinking that his question about sex before he had booked to have dinner with you is because he is hoping that you will change your mind about having him to stay over.

Same here. I'm wondering if this is one of the things I'm too old for now Most PPs seem unfazed by it, even counting it as flirting?! It wasn't a joke, he wasn't even asking if OP has a favourite position - which would be inappropriate to the conversation, anyway. It's more like a 12-year-old saying "Do you know what Rodeo style means?" then dissolving into giggles!

FWIW, my instant reaction to that would've been "Why are you asking?" because it's just so weird. I suspect his reply might lead me to cancel the date.

Yes, I did have that thought at the back of my mind.

It may be considered a bit old-fashioned now, of course.

I think dinner dates are old fashioned tbh. I can’t think of a worse way to spend an evening with a relative stranger but each to their own.

Yeah I agree with this. At this point I would have cancelled, (and not seen him again,) but the OP seems like she is keen to see him again, so she just just crack on. Just drop a hint that she's not keen on the dirty talk so soon after meeting someone.

Agree with this. I don't like 'going out to dinner' of an evening at all to be honest. I like a pub lunch, or a maccies, or a fish supper, and enjoy a takeaway pizza or Chinese or Indian takeway with some Guinness zero in front of a good movie. But going out for a 3 course evening meal, especially with someone I don't really know is not for me.

See I don't think I did invest too much too soon. What is too much too soon for one person, might not be the same for another. Surely you move things along at a pace that works for you. Some work out well, others don't. There are equally as many stories on here of women who have been seeing someone for months and it takes that long for 'true colours' or whatever, to show.

OLD horror stories can occur at any time, investing too much time or not. As can people who meet in different circumstances such as at work, or at the gym. Any dating runs its risks.

It’s incredible that we all have such different opinions varying from a red card straight away for doing this to the importance of doing this !! I have been so hurt in the past, I’m doing everything to trust my intuition but I’m very torn now.

I'm going to say go with YOUR own instincts, as you are the only one who knows this man. If you are not comfortable yet with any sexy talk of any kind, even the jokes, then you need to be honest with him and just ask him to take a step back on that kind of thing as you feel its too soon. Tell him you are enjoying his company and just want to see how things pan out and are not ready for it. If he is the gentlemen you are lead to believe he is he will apologise and comply and you can just keep seeing him as you were.

Don't worry about investing too much too soon. You will know how much you feel you want to see him, or not and you can decide this for yourself.

Time will show you if this relationship has legs or if you are just not compatible for each other and want different things.

I personally don't think a few innuendo type jokes are a massive big deal but I am used to this kind of thing and have the sense of humour of a 15 year old boy so it doesn't phase me. And I don't think that all men who like a rude joke are perverts. If they are then I am one too 😂

I sense this man has clumsily tried to figure out if you are open to a bit of cheeky banter and if you would maybe be open to a sexual relationship come the time. I wouldn't necessarily think its a red flag. Time will tell you if it is or not.

Trust yourself and trust your gut feelings. But in the meantime, don't be afraid to enjoy his company and just see where this goes.

I'd just ask 'Why did you ask this?' about the position comment. And then take the conversation from there. If he was relating to something really relevant I'd be able to move forward (unlikely). If he says 'Just wondered' I'd say 'That's a bit of an odd thing to wonder/ask - I think maybe we're not on the same page about getting to know someone new but I wish you all the best'.

So you have sort of talked about having sex in a roundabout way?

We both said that due to our housing arrangements with our teens/ adult kids that we would t have people overnight , as part of a wider conversation .

I wouldn't worry about scaring him off by making it show you are looking for a relationship and not a casual thing. Who cared if he gets scared off by that if you are not both wanting the same.

I'm quite blint and direct in what I say. I have had to cut off the sexual chat a few times in the past. After reading your post I looked to see what I said to my last ex (don't know why I still got the chat) it was "I'm not really comfortable with that kind of chat at this stage, I'm open about it when i am in a relationship where we are sexually involved in real life. But I prefer to see what else is there with someone first". It went down OK. He apologised, I said no need everyone is different so no offence taken, it is just my personal preference is that those chats come at a later stage with a partner.

Just kept it general "with a partner" "in a relationship" to show it is what i am seeking and not that i think we were a sure thing

Thanks. We’ve just had an exchange on text where I was tryingto
decipher what his plans were for the night or driving/ staying in a hotel etc.. He replied to say he hadn’t thought of that with a mmmmmm…. I replied with’ easy tiger … all in good time , plus we haven’t even had a chat about what either of us are looking for . He agreed and suggested we chat about it over dinner tomorrow night…

He's very presumptuous.

You're already having to fend him off, and you seem afraid to lay sterner boundaries because you don't want to be a "prude" and because you let him past your boundaries already.

He's going to be all over you at the dinner, pushing and pushing, and I wonder whether you're going to have the ability to shut him down.

So basically he’s already planned not to drive home and is expecting the offer of a bed for the night?

I cannot see where he had planned to stay over in my village ? He literally said he hadn’t thought ahead to having a few drinks or not re driving .. the mmmmmm was presumably thinking out loud . I thought I shut it down well tbh

On the ‘making love’ terminology, many years ago when I was a student, I kissed a French guy at a house party. He was bloody gorgeous and I was dying for more but unfortunately had my period at the time. I didn’t want to tell him this so was just saying no to going upstairs to his room. We kept kissing and he was trying to convince me to go to bed with him. He started off saying “I really want ti fuck you”, then when that was still met with a no, it became “I want to have sex with you” and when that didn’t work he said in his fabulously sexy French accent “I want to make love to you” … and all attraction on my part disappeared.

(I recognise now that he was pushing boundaries massively and should have accepted my first ‘no’ but at the time consent wasn’t the hot topic it is nowadays).

Definitely this.

OP, are you sure you are in a good headspace for dating? I don't mean this unkindly AT ALL - you sound like a truly lovely person - but it does sound like you are deeply deliberating and feeling anxious over every exchange with this guy.....

He sounds a bit clumsy with his flirting, but he hasn't done anything horrific. I do think that his "mmmmm" could be construed as him angling to stay with you - but you know the guy (slightly) and we don't.... And to be fair, wanting to stay over doesn't make him th worst person in the world.

Nor does tentatively introducing sex chat. Texting about sex before we did it with my current partner was one of the hottest experiences of my entire life - and we were very detailed, sharing explicit and quite unusual fantasies etc - but it was fully consensual and I promise we are sane, nice people in the real world!

As long as your fella hasn't pursued it, once you have made it clear it's not your bag (at this point) he really hasn't done anything to mark him out as a villain.

I really hope it works out for you, lovely. Just be careful. If you don't feel ready for dating at this point, please don't feel that you are obliged to.....

Some women love sex - including talking about sex!

I don't see myself as a "pervert" because of this. I just think I have a healthy sexual appetite that brings me profound joy.

My partner and I discussed sex in detail before we ever had it. Then we had it and it was amazing. And it's still amazing many years later.

Just because some people like sex, and talking about sex, more than you, that doesn't make us inherently sick.