husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

I'm sure others will have already said this, but you will be able to claim part of his pension for that reason in your settlement 🤗

My friend's husband went, said he needed to find himself and was living at his mum's. She did some really cool detective work and found out about the other woman who turned out to be a much younger TA at the school he taught at. He'd moved into her flat. All the time he was telling her he was lonely and sad at his mum's, living in the box room. When she eventually told him he was lying and knew what he had done, and that she'd known for months (along with the news of her promotion) he went off on one like a firework and demanded to know who'd given her the information and called her some terrible names.

They're lying gits.

Yes, dont assume you earn too much. Actually check on the turn-to-us site. Plus get an appointment with CAB to check everything as there will be other things you are entitled to when renting with children.

You can claim from today, whilst spilt even living in the same house.

I am so sorry. I would say its highly, highly likely he is cheating, or at the very least has his eye on someone.

Definitely look after yourself and your kids from now on, cancel anything related to him and let him sort it out himself, he'll manage.

HE'S LYING.

Get that into your head right now. He is a liar, and at best he has had his head turned and now wants to be single and at worst he is having an affair. Either way, he is a big fat liar.

Since your marital contract has now been broken, you owe him nothing. Pack up his shit, put it in bin bags and ask him to leave. Extract as much money as you possibly can before he leaves; half any savings, an advance on the rent, etc. etc.

Your job is now damage limitation.

Show him you are strong. Show him the door. Show him that at first you were upset, but now you have had a think about it, you think it is a great idea, as he is not a man worth having and she is welcome to him.

Let's see how attractive he is when she has to do all his admin, pay for him when his work is slow, pick up his stinky undies off the floor etc.

Take action now.

My heart goes out to you OP.
Moment by moment and I don't know any words that will make a difference.
Lots of support on this thread for you.
Please take care of yourself OP
You must love yourself.
The future comes one day at a time

It really doesn’t help to always assume there’s someone else. Lots of women end marriages because they don’t love their husband any more, why can’t men be the same?

I don't think this is a case of always assuming, more that the 'sleeping in car' plan seems profoundly unlikely plus the recent incidents with the co-worker that presage this decision. Without those factors in the mix, I'd agree with you, but in this case I don't think it's that helpful to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I agree if he had done this before those incidents I would have agreed he just fell out of love , but its taken me to pull them up for him to be honest about how he feels. he also never said anything in these 6 months prior to this to me , not even in an argument. I will always say this plays a part even if in the grand scheme only a small one. I am not jealous type but this all felt different, both their behaviour screamed alarm
bells. messages with sexual innuendos I don’t think constitute banter between a single women and married man.my gut told me it was off and his timing of leaving doesn’t look good . no attempt to even try to work at things properly

Ignore him, he then wants to portray you as crazy once he has driven you half out of your mind. Most cheaters want to keep what they have been up to secret. Tell everyone. Seek legal advice, you are entitled to half of his pension. I know you are upset but find your anger, stop trying to keep something together that at least for the last 6 month's has been based upon his lies. Sorry you are going through this but you need to protect yourself.

I could have written this exact post a lot of years ago. It was hard going at the time but my children and I survived moved on and had a happy life. You will too. He also had another woman in his life at the time. Age old story sadly.

You are not 'the wrong side of 50' you are the right side! You have raised your children, you are the right age to care mainly for yourself, and be independent. You don't need a partner, it's wonderful to be free, I used to delight in going to places for a day, and not needing to make any arrangements for child care or let anyone know where I was.
It is a horrible shock to be in a break up, but the cracks have been showing and you have been concentrating on trying to mend things, and get back to being a partnership, which was the right thing to do, however now it's time to change direction and have a new life! You will sometimes feel very sad about what has been, but those sad times will become less frequent and you will be happy in the future. If someone else comes along in the future, all well and good, but don't go looking, you will be OK on your own.

Wow. This man is an utter shit. I'm raging on your behalf.

Apologies, OP I have not read the whole thread but I wanted to let you know that this happened to me at a similar age. Took me just over a year to feel better. I met someone else 18 months after exH left. We started our relationship very slowly (we lived a couple of hours away from one another until earlier this year).

My exH has never admitted to the OW. The official line is that their years long friendship became more 6 months after he left me.

Vikki Stark has a brilliant website that really helped me. Read the stages on this page, they are accurate in my experience. https://www.runawayhusbands.com/healing

Vikki has also written a book and there's a private Facebook group where you can engage with loads of women all over the world who are going through this. Some incredible stories, one lady who was already retired when her H left her, bought herself a campervan and took herself off all over the country for a year. You will find that you will be able to relate to a lot of other people's experiences.

I am on cordial terms with my ex. and his girlfriend now; I decided quite early on that life was too short for hatred, he is a brilliant father and in hindsight, our marriage was not in good shape. Ultimately, I didn't want our children (who were then teenagers) to have to deal with us not getting along.

Prioritise your own physical and mental wellbeing now. Let the tears come when they do. How you feel now won't last forever and new (and wonderful) things will eventually begin to filter into your life, I promise.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Remember that you are in shock, and your first priority right now is just to look after yourself physically. Make sure you eat, even a little, make sure you drink plenty of fluids, rest if you need to. You don't have to make ANY decisions yet.

Be prepared for The Narrative to come out. That you're the crazy/nagging/cold/whatever terrible wife, that he's the real victim, etc etc. You know it's balls, and so will anyone who really knows you. Let him spout his poisonous fairy tales to anyone who'll listen, YOU know the truth. Don't try to match him, or substitute your own narrative - just don't engage with it. Don't sink to his level. (They say never to wrestle with a pig - you both get covered in sh1t, but the pig likes it.)

Have you thought about just messaging her yourself ? Just ask if there’s something going on as you’ve seen the messages and don’t think it’s appropriate if there’s nothing going on she will say that? And if there is she will assumably ring or message him panicking and he will be in a foul mood. Just then you might get the answer you truly do need

Your best chance of getting him back - should you want to do so - is to follow the advice on here.

https://www.chumplady.com/stupid-stuff-cake-eaters-say/

Although following this advice will also improve your self-esteem so much that you might decide you don't want him back anyway.

Ha ha, I agree - but that’s his criteria- lol!!

I hope she doesn't want this waste of space back. He's not a prize to be won. I fact he's the booby prize

He is almost certainly going to stay with her, not to stay in his car.

You need to harden yourself now ( even if it’s an act ), and stop offering him anything. He wants to go . Let him, and don’t continue any communication other than what needed to separate your lives. Let him face the reality of leaving. Get legal advice too, and move asap. You’ll feel better taking back some control.

Hi op you donr need a reason to divorce now, rules have changed, its 600 on line gov.uk website get 300 of him to start process op,

It's always work colleagues!
Slightly different in that I finished my marriage of 25 years when I found out he was shagging a work colleague, not the first one or the first time either!. He deflected, accusing me of doing what he was doing, spat in my face and called me some absolutely awful names.
Take one day at a time. My best advice is to confide in friends and family, they will offer absolutely invaluable emotional and practical support. Keep as busy as you can, invest more time in your hobbies and interests and whatever you do, don't rush into another relationship.
You will get through this and probably be better for it. Look after yourself and take one day at a time. Don't feel sorry for him and allow him any liberties or cave in and take him back when he comes crying back, which I can assure you he invariably will at some point.

certainly no plans of another relationship, I don’t think I would even know where to start. Also I am still in love either with him so until that feeling goes I wouldn’t be able to move on. I want to reallu hate him and a small part of me does .

I know op 😓its shit isn't it. Mine treated me so badly, I am just trying to give the feelings I have time to heal naturally, rather than force it, I think if you have been through decades/marriage/babies (or even if not but ykwim) those feelings aren't a switch that can necessarily be turned off (for us I mean, sadly their feelings are a bit more superficial!)

well meaning people tell me "The One is still out there" and its not where my heart or headspace is at all, I just want to heal and give myself time