husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

I hate it when people say the right one is out there. I know they mean well but it’s just like confirmation you need to eventually match up with another person and they’re out there just waiting for you.

you dont need grounds for divorce anymore. stopped in 2022. Just do it

I did my divorce online and it was cheap (couple of hundred?) we had no assets so nothing to fight about really. I’m not recommending this btw, just saying there is a way to divorce without it bankrupting you.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Current filing cost is £612, assuming no property to claim on. You can still claim a proportion of his pension, and without a solicitor but you will need to research how to do this. @theformidablemrsc represented herself through a very difficult divorce with her abusive ex and his ow, and won every case they tried to bring against her. She did this by educating herself, it really can be done.

I found my "the one". She is me.

I have finally found peace by being alone. I dont need someone else here with me, I dont need to risk my peace for company when I can find company in my friends, family and children. I always have someone to have a drink or dinner with, there will always be someone on the end of the phone if I need it.

I am my "the one" and I highly recommend it!

100%. Without derailing from supporting the op, I gave my family of origin the first quarter of my life, the dh -it stands for dickhead- got the next chunk, so I reckon this next phase is just for me and my dc

Yes thats why i said typically needs his agreement

So good to hear these stories of peace after traumatic djvorce. Even after 28 years of being married to whom I thought was my best friend,I knew immeduately I wanted a new partner...but we are all different, and I have many friends who chose to put themselves first. I enjoy having lunch with them!!

What made you think that you needed a new partner?

Curious to know.

Ah a penetrating question from a Mumsnet queen! I like men a lot, I like their company. I like science and sport, rather than quilting 😁 I really like sex too, but not as a 'game'. Suppose I wanted to see if I could do better than my ex, we were soul mates in many ways but he wasn't my physical match at all, I felt I'd 'lost' in life, a little bit. But Ive been very happy in my periods without men too, walking and holidays with friends etc. I was lucky to meet someone suitable, but I have really had to rethink everything I thought, and everything society tells you, about love.
Beware the limerance that makes you put aside all your instincts about someone! Which is of course what Mumsnet teaches you.
Great qu thanks @PyongyangKipperbang have a lovely day whatever you're doing x

Things are still no better, he won’t talk properly, not hard questions or points anyway. he is very cold and the OW is creeping into my mind more, not even that anything has happened, but he would like it to, if not with her with someone, like an awakening. he said yesterday we have nothing in common ? well we like the same things we have always liked since meeting so whats changed , and we do have some things we both enjoy as well as separate things, prob me more than him. like friends i have a couple close friends and then extended friendship group, he has maybe one friend and rest just work colleagues who he says are friends but they are mostly colleagues, he isn’t socialising & messaging them much outside work. he even got annoyed I had confided in a friend , what am I supposed to do split up , but tell no one

I mean this kindly but no point in talking or reasoning with him he has made his mind up and will keep inventing excuses for leaving.my I wonder if the other woman has refused a relationship with him until he leaves you?

The problem is OP, and I do mean this kindly, if he carried on as normal, if he gave you any hope you would then have more heartache. Talking to him about practical matters re separation, of course he should do that but expecting answers about why he wants to leave won't be forthcoming or accurate.
I know it's difficult but just believe it's over and concentrate on what you need to do. Leave him to sort himself out. Ask him about practical considerations but nothing else.

Agree strongly with above. OP, you are going to wreck your head if you try to think through how and what has led to this. You have seen some messages between him and this female colleague, but you don't know what may have been said on the phone or in person between them, and it is going to wreck your head. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe something else ....

You are no longer responsible for him, you no longer figure in his plans going forward, and that is crap, I'm so sorry. But please don't bend over backwards in allowing him to stay - he wants out, he gets out! He wants the single life well - off he pops then! Mine moved into the spare room when I found the messages - I said he could stay while we work things out but on the condition he cuts contact with her. Within a week I figured out the password to his phone bill and they'd been talking constantly, messaging dozens of times through the day and night. Proper drama with me throwing his clothes out the door. Do you really want him under the same roof as you while making dates with this other woman - or any other woman?

Time to stop being nice. And a big hand hold from me.

You're going to make yourself ill going over and over what's changed, it's hard but you need to focus on the practicalities, one of you needs to move out, you need to get the finances and house situation sorted. He doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore, talking and trying to rationalise the reasons will drive you potty. He doesn't need to know you've talked to your friends, it's nothing to do with him anymore.

I know but I feel still something worth fighting for I guess and I need to get that into my head that he doesn’t. Been no more contact that I am sure of. I don’t see why I should move out as I am not the one calling the shots here, why should my life be disrupted anymore, but then I have to think of the DC. in all of this. They need to live in a house without stress as well, its really not my fault he has nowhere to go but I know they will be worried if they think hes on the street. he is def depressed that much I will say but won’t seek help. I just want him to get that if he goes - done is done , Im not taking him back in 3 months when he realises its not us who is causing his depression.

Unfortunately the events can both be true.

Unhappy, falls out of love (whatever the hell that means as surely most marriages are not heady “in love” feelings all the time) and then has head turned which is the catalysts to spark this off.

Take care op. Don’t waste too much head space on his. Self care is all that matters.

Ignore this poster it’s a bloke trying to mess with your head.

I met my DH nine months after he moved out if his marital home. They had been married for almost 20 years. I asked him if he was emotionally ready fur another relationship, and he said he didn’t just wake up one morning and decide he didn’t love his wife. It had been four years coming. But the last few months it got to a point and his ex said he had to go. No other person involved.
So it’s not the last six months or two months. Dissatisfaction has probably been there a while, and this work colleague is just a symptom.
It’s over now and time will heal. But it’s awful now and tempting to try and blame this or that. But it just is. He doesn’t want to stay married and the why is irrelevant. You will get over it but give yourself time to mourn.

He isn't your mate anymore. It's awful awful awful to come to that realisation, but he isn't your problem, his depression isn't your problem, that he has no friends and nowhere to go isn't your problem. Try saying that out loud in a room on your own, in your car, in the loo ..... "That's no longer my problem, your decision" and it'll come naturally to you when he bleats at you.

You do not leave, this is your home, your kids home. Get it clear in your head, he has made this decision, he wants to follow through on this decision, you need to put you at the top going forward. What is best for you.

I have vivid memories of not being able to sleep, barely able to function. My head was banging with actual pain / overload of emotions. Have you seen your GP? Mine was awesome, got me some anti-depressants and had a chat with me, listened to me. Later on I got some NHS councelling too (although the first councellor was rubbish - complained about one session where I left in floods and saw her Manager, who was completely awesome and made me feel brilliant after one session).

Mad as it seems now, colouring in books allowed me to feel less panicked, my hands doing something while my brain overcooked. Small meals and often - fresh air if you think you can manage a walk. You matter, your health matters, look after you as number one.

It is an affair it has eroded your relationship
If he stays it will be bloody hard. I am nearly 3 yrs from finding out & although together I not feel the same about him.

I have taken control and it is a 50/50 relationship now.
I have lost weight & am fitter & healthy all things I did have time for before the 50/50. Our time together is fun & the sex great. He is shocked at the amount of work that goes into running family life and does seem ashamed at his behaviour.

I am stronger & could and walk away if needed.
This time is for you.
X

he said we have nothing in common

This old chestnut. You know sometimes I think it means something different to men. I had an ex use this line on me - we had plenty in common (probably still do) it's one of the things that drew us together - what he actually meant was that he had checked out of the relationship.

But by instead saying we had nothing in common, it made it sound like we had just naturally drifted apart and absolved him of any accountability. It was a lie he told to absolve himself of guilt over cheating.

It's all bollocks. Don't let yourself be confused by it, if it sounds weird to you there's a reason!

hahaha why do people here always run to this assuming things and talking about take him for everything:? you assume people always have something in life worth taking lol

divorces happen, it's life

Not read the whole thread but you need to file for divorce and put a financial claim in for pension share if he's got more pension than you. Who cares what people say about it, you need to put yourself first now. Good luck.

You are the one calling the shots, why hasn't he got somewhere else to go, he can check into a hotel, he should have thought about that before he told you he doesn't love you anymore. It's a difficult and confusing head spinning time but do you really want to live with someone who is causing you so much distress. He won't be out on the streets. Why is he still there.