husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

To any poster justifying this man’s behaviour, what planet are you on? The OP here is in a terrible state and is asking for help. God help your friends is all I can say….

Oh I completely agree! I’m definitely not in the camp of excusing men’s behaviour. Totally ready to react badly to the inevitable ‘oh this sounds like classic ADHD, have you tried walking on eggshells?’ Type of comment.

Just wanted to check, ‘tis all.

I would have opened the door last night and told him to go then. He’s made his mind up let him go and hold your head high. No more asking him to stay, get your ducks in order today and move on. He’ll be back begging, in which time you won’t want him back.

I’m so sorry OP.

I know it may not feel like it now, but you’re best rid of him. And you get to start your life afresh, on your terms, which is great. If the kids are adults, can they contribute to rent and household bills?

Get advice on your tenancy. It’s unlikely he can simply ‘sign it over’. Most likely one of you will have to serve notice to end it. And then ask the landlord to give you a new tenancy on your own - if you pass their affordability checks. A private landlord may not agree to that. If it’s a social tenancy, it’s well worth you staying due to the lower rent.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/relationship_breakdown_tenancy_rights.

Also, get your ducks in a row for divorce asap. Try to find all his paperwork on pensions etc, which you should be entitled to, before he moves his stuff out. I believe there’s lots of advice on here about DIY/cheap divorce.

Good luck 💐

It can't be done without his agreement or a court order

What a joke. He's having an affair, not a breakdown

yes I would say some kind of midlife criss otherwise why would you not at least stay until your better able to have somewhere to go. If you pretended for 6 months another 2 would make no odds, large payrise soon that alone would give him a months rent elsewhere and even a studio anything. He is also pushing lots of people away, now I reflect I can see it more.

You can apply for spousal support if you have made career sacrifices to look after children and his career has benefitted partly as a result of your unpaid labour. It's a lot easier to get promoted etc if you never have to take time off to manage school holidays, sick kids etc.
You should def claim half his pension - again, he has that amount partly because your efforts helped him to work. Please don't assume there's nothing you can get from him financially.

My priority would be to get him out of the house asap and get that tenancy changed before he has second thoughts. You need to reclaim some of the power here. I'd also be taking more than my share of any money in joint bank accounts and putting it where he can't get at it. You can give him back some later for a rental deposit if needed but prioritise your own and the kids needs first.

Most importantly, try to override the instinct to see him as your friend or as someone who will pull back from totalling screwing you over - he's no longer on your side and now you have to be as cold as he is behaving and protect yourself first and foremost. I wouldn't leave the house - that is your security. His living arrangements are his problem to solve, not yours to make easier for him.

Ha can be signed over as long as no arrears which there is small amount so might borrow that to clear just so that is signed over to me. its not cheap cheap council rent but it is a couple hundred cheaper than private . i could not really afford private rent, even this will be a stretch

It seems rather extreme to leave the family home, and sleep in the car. What's he planning on doing to have a wash, clean his clothes etc? Pop back home?????!!!! I wonder if that's just a line he's telling you, but in fact does have somewhere to go. He just doesn't want to tell you where.

Another case on here of chechez la femme.
There really is a Script, isn’t there, and it’s only followed by men: they’re so incredibly predictable.
I’m sorry for you,OP. Now find your pride and follow your own script.

He either is having an affair, or would like to. He sees a new life for himself with someone else. If not this coworker, then he wants the prospect of meeting someone and having excitement in his life. All kindness and respect for you have gone out of the window. I am sorry this is happening to you. You will need a lot of time and support from family and friends but remember this will pass. You need to go all through all the stages of grief. It’s not a quick fix unfortunately. There is definitely life after him!
( I’m on my own. It’s lovely!!! )
🫂

I'd be so keen to call his bluff on all this

(but really difficult to do when you're in the midst of all this, im looking from the outside and have gone through divorce)

and say
ok I will leave and set up a new place - you stay with the dc and then sit back and sort your own life out. All whilst still living in the family home and him on the sofa

if he has a woman to go to - this will not suit him

you can take your time as he can't kick you out as your name is on the tenancy

what it does is gives you time, time to actually sort your life and and see where you could live, what you could do regarding work etc

also does he have a pension with work? you've brought up the child working part time whilst he will have paid into that

believe me, im not saying, that you actually have to leave or should leave - but this bids you time and see his reaction - especially as its not what he is expecting

@beingtakenforafool Just jumping on to say that you can go for half his pension. Probably, you’ll want a pension sharing order. Don’t walk away assuming he has nothing.

I think it’s clear he’s lying it sounds like he’s already moved on I don’t reckon he’s going to sleep in his car either it will most likely be the OW house you need to be strong and cut ties with him as hard as this is don’t even listen to his crappy excuses or lies anymore just cut yourself off from him it’s the only way you will help yourself

Let me add, while he's feeling guilty, take everything you can off him x

(((((( HUGS))))))

Please can people not give faulty advice re the tenancy. A joint tenancy is just that, both parties have the right to stay in the property and both are jointly and severally responsible for all aspects of the tenancy. Unless a court order is awarded due to violence /abuse from one party, or if the parties involved can't agree the court makes an order, then neither can tell the other to leave.
On another note, please can people not encourage the OP to take revenge. I know it might seem like a good idea and might feel good at the time, but the view is much better when you take the high ground. It's hard to be fair when you're hurting, but it won't move along to fairness in the long run.

It costs nothing and only takes minutes to check these websites re benefits - I know you say you earn above any amounts but do not forget that you rent.
It might just make a difference.

Hi some great practical advice on here you should listen to.

Just wanted to pick up on something you said about the Drs. I’m sorry you have this to think about on top of everything else. Is your visit to the doctors today?

If your children are adults and stay with you in the family home , once the heartless arsehole is gone , I’d sit down with your children and go through all of the house bills , costs , food costs etc , then state what you can afford and explain you will unfortunately need help financially from them too . If it’s illustrated in front of them exactly how much life costs now , they may be shocked and very understanding of your position and help abit , with the food costs etc and with abit cooking and cleaning to give you some support.

Men never leave unless they have somewhere to go.

I feel your pain, and i'm afraid there is no quick fix, but see the solicitor and get the ball rolling while his guilt bubble is still in existence.
By the time you come out of the fog all the hard work will be behind you.

Be kind to yourself, set boundaries, and do what you have to to get through each day. The pain becomes bearable.. honestly.

The best quote.. "It's not all men, but it's always men"

Those who keep barking on about him having OW - I honestly think some people relish it when others get shat on and think it’s Eastenders- do you think the lovely OP isn’t pretty aware that’s probably the score? You really don’t need to rub it in

OP , you sound like a good person and this has clearly come as a shock. I mean this kindly, stop bending over backwards for him and worrying what people are gonna think of you.
If he wants to sleep in his car and play the victim, let him. It was his choice to end this marriage, he can sort out his new life.
If people ask why - tell them.
You just concentrate on yourself and your kids . Good luck x

if you decide to stay in the home - do this ^ sit down with dc no need to do this after he has left

also do look on entitled to, as you maybe in a position to claim benefits, but it will depend on the employment status of your non dependent children, as they are expected to contribute towards the household - there is a chart of how much they should be contributing to the household depending on earning

Your friend or relative's weekly income before taxDeduction from your housing benefit each week
Less than £183
£19.65
Between £183 and £265.99
£45.15
Between £266 and £347.99
£62.00
Between £348 and £462.99
£101.35
Between £463 and £576.99
£115.45
£577 or more
£126.65