husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

because I let him use sofa as I didn’t want him becoming the victim and I was trying to do the right thing but now my kindness is disappearing

Because he still holds a joint tenancy with the OP. He has the right to stay and is clearly exercising that right.

Please op with kindness, stop being so nice, he's playing on your kind heart , he will string this out, he won't be going anywhere at the end of the month op, there he some reason to stay on the sofa,

Your of work hurting crying in pieces,

Op being ' hard, uncaring, doesn't sit with you because you're thoughtful, kind, and caring, this is were he has the power op ,

Get tough op take back your power your home,

You should stay in the house if you want to keep it as your primary residence. Maybe that’s what he’s doing.

He's already signed the paperwork to move out. If OP could get him out, she could add to the housing association or landlord that he's already moved out. I'd want to check whether he can pull out of the process having signed the paperwork and if so, I see the sense in not showing him to reality of sofa surfing at a friend's house until the legalities are sorted. But if there's no way he can change his mind on the tenancy, I'd want him out now.

don’t think he can pull out or be put back on but it takes time to process and account has to be clear etc before they will remove him. its only just gone in so technically until they verify and remove he is on the tenancy , thats my understanding anyway. so likely one more week on sofa then he has to move on if he wants out.

@beingtakenforafool

I'd send off the tenancy papers today since it will take some time to process. By the time it's done hopefully he'll already be gone, but if not you can force him out if you're ready for that. If not, you can sit on it for a while. But it will be ready to carry out when you are.

As far as why he's simply carrying on with his life, that's because he's already living his 'new one', in his mind if not physically. He's getting what he wants with a modicum of 'discomfort'. You, on the other hand, are carrying all the weight of this split. It's all being left to you to sort out, isn't it? Just like in your marriage. He gets the wheat, you get the chaff.

Is there a reason you haven't scheduled a solicitor's appointment? We are all 'positing' on what might happen but that's not really helping you as we aren't solicitors. At least I don't remember an 'I am a solicitor' poster and you wouldn't know for sure if they are anyway. What will help you is speaking with an expert. If you were ill, you wouldn't hesitate to see a doctor. If you are facing 'legal ills', why wouldn't you see a solicitor? You may think there isn't much financially to be dealt with but you really don't know, do you? Or if there are ways to 'streamline' the process. Some do 30 minutes free but I don't know how common that is. If you can't find one, it's worth the money to pay for a short consultation. Again, seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', you're just educating yourself. And seeing one doesn't make the split any more or less 'real'. It's real enough already.

Kindly OP he has already moved on. He has signed for you to be the sole tenant and said he will sleep in his car. He won’t by the way but he is sticking to his narrative that there is no one else so has to say this because you know he can’t afford to rent separately immediately or afford a hotel and has no one to put him up. He absolutely has somewhere else to go (OW) but he’s denied her existence so is stuck. He could end this today by being honest but doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy - especially by his DC.

He is probably telling the OW that you are taking it hard and fighting for him (because he’s such a good catch) but he’s not cheating on her because he’s sleeping on the sofa. That your marriage is over and he will leave as soon as he can because he really wants to be with her but is too kind for his own good and has to plan his exit to not hurt you or DC because he may not love you but he still cares. What a guy!

Meanwhile back in the real world his lack of honesty is giving you false hope whilst his complete lack of desire to try and work with you to fix things but not leaving is causing you so much pain that you can’t function at home or at work.

This is cruel and selfish. You have to take control. Stop fighting to keep him. He doesn’t want you to fight for him. Free yourself to fight for yourself and your DC by letting him go and let him do what he’ll do.

This is not how loving couples with adult children act on the breakdown of a long marriage because one of them has ‘fallen out of love’. It is how men behave in those circumstances when they find a new partner.

i looked for any with free legal advice around us but found nothing , I need to find his pension statements to see whats in it and if worth it and paying for solicitors, I don’t have the money at the moment. he was the one who said I was entitled to half his pension and he thinks half when it matures which is not the case. I think he thought that was helping me out somehow , doing me a favour. I have asked him to pay for the divorce and I want it started asap , not in 2 months or 3 months , or to send me the money to get it started. Also to take on two loans we have as they were for his things and not mine. so far he has agreed to this, but we will see. I have accepted no changing his mind and now need to focus on me, I think a few people around me think I have become hard, but I still cry behind closed doors and through the night, but I am focussing on the practicalities now as its all I can do to get through it. seeing him hurts so much and daily its just too much

Also not being able to afford divorce or needing grounds is not really a thing. You no longer need grounds and can self represent and don’t need a solicitor. You will can apply for divorce and financial consent order including a pension sharing order at minimal cost with advice and support from AdviceNow and Wikivorce. I have an FDR hearing next month for a contested case and am self representing.

You don’t need to find his pension statements. He will have to provide a CETV as part of his financial disclosure - as will you if you have your own pension. STBEX pension is worth £700K. Still don’t need a solicitor.

Research the divorce process. Get full financial disclosure and try to agree principles for a non-contested Consent Order.

Op try not to focus on the pension, yes you will be entitled to it but your h might not cash it in until he's retired, your still entitled to your share it could be in 20 years time op, but you'll have it coming,

I'd beg, borrow, or steal the money to see a solicitor if that's at all possible. Because good legal advice is always worth paying for, even if all they do is say it will be clean and simple, it's OK do it yourself just do XYZ. At least any doubts, questions, and possible pitfalls will be removed.

I think a few people around me think I have become hard......

Of course you have. You've had to become 'hard' in order to move forward. What the hell did they want you to do, melt into a puddle on the ground? And don't think of it as 'hard', what you are is STRONG, even if it doesn't feel that way in the moments of tears. Tears don't mean weakness, even the strongest shed tears. Tears are simply a way to release emotions that might cause us to weaken. Tears can actually keep us strong.

seeing him hurts so much and daily its just too much

This will lessen in time. But if you can get the ball rolling on being able to get him out with the tenancy papers that will lessen the amount of time you have to put up with him. Seriously, he's probably not in all that much of a rush or he would have left by now. Why should he be, in his mind he is in the catbird seat with all his home comforts in place. Even if you've stopped his home comforts, he still has a roof over his head and can do as he pleases. That's probably enough to keep him there indefinitely.

told him he only has couple weeks then needs to move out as to hard for me, so set a date he needs yo move out by, I have to now put me first as no one else is going to

That's a great step!!! I'm glad you said that to him.

Did you get the tenancy papers off?

I have to now put me first as no one else is going to

That's the way it is, isn't it? We spend our marriages putting the family first only to realize later that no one puts us first. So you aren't alone in this.

OP mine was just the same with the housing thing. Absolutely 100% assumed the young adult DC would stay with me and he would only factor in what he wanted for his new home.
Mine moved hours away to where his girlfriend lived. I stayed where we already lived as our DC had partners, friends, jobs and lives here. Was a massive struggle to afford something in this expensive area and I have to sleep in living room but zero regrets. I have the love and company of our amazing DC. He is desperate to see more of them but it’s too far and they hate going.
Oh. And the girlfriend left him. He is alone and sad now. I love my life. It’s only finances which are difficult. Make sure you check in with work as you really need that job security.
I like the plan you have to move bedrooms. A small fresh start. A room of your own decorated how you want. ❤️

But if he wants to get away from you so badly he would be in his car.

i would say he doesn’t want to get away from you otherwise he would have turned down the sofa
He just wants to stay and cause you misery

Why are you feeling sorry for him. Why do you want to stop him “becoming the victim”
Words and choices have consequences. Stop shielding him from them

How are you getting on @beingtakenforafool sending you lots of strength

not doing too great to be honest. its very much like grieving And then I am angry, I think its going to be a very long road and the wounds caused , I am not sure they will ever fully heal, ease with time maybe. I think I have reaches the hating him stage , which I never wanted to do. I have friends around, My dc and some family so I am not alone, and the advice and support on here as been so so helpful as well. thank you for askinb

Small meals and often.
Seen the GP for anti-depressants? - just to take the edge off while you process.
Try not to over share with friends - get professional counselling instead.
Find something to look forward to - a change of scenery, weekend away with a friend, or a book.

Join a Meetup group for walks, or outings.

I remember feeling utterly defeated by a bowl of salad. Thinking of you x

can’t afford professional counselling thats the thing, can just afford to keep roof over our head with the Dc contributions. may consider anti depressants, only sharing some things with some
people and just one friend sharing more as they went through a marriage break up etc so have some idea of the feelings.
yes eating wise , difficult as just don’t feel
like it , barely ate much but the scales are not going down, seems I can’t even catch a break. am going back to gym next week as the month already paid for

@beingtakenforafool

Isn't there counseling on the NHS? I know resources are overloaded but it's worth a try.

Remember that the opposite of love is indifference. Unfortunately 'anger' has to be worked through first. You're going through the natural progression of emotions. Just try to find a way to use that anger to your benefit. Channel it into getting him out and getting your ball rolling as far as any legal moves.

As far as him portraying himself as the 'victim' if you kick him out, fuck him and the horse he rode in on! If this is coming from him, he's manipulating you. Chances are if he wanted you gone he'd have demanded you leave without a thought. And if it's coming from you remember that 'them that matters don't mind and them that minds don't matter'. He needs to go now not 2 weeks from now. Where and how is not your problem. Him being there is probably a great deal of the load you're carrying.

Do you have counselling through your work?

Lots of work places now offer this.- even just a short course of telephone counselling could help.

he is actually moving out in a couple of days , but that doesn’t make me feel any better either. nearly 3 weeks on and life still feels shit, come off facebook etc as reading other peoples perfect lifes makes me feel worse.

Nobody has a perfect life. I came off FB a decade ago don’t regret it. Got tired of the showing off.
Sorry you are going through this.
So many women on here have and come though it and will support you.
Social media… not worth looking at right now. You can go back one day if you want to.