husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

which is what i have literally just said to him , he bought a third party into the marriage, but he is insisting that has nothing to do with his decision and apparently he couldn’t bring up anything before as he can’t speak to me ( he has for 25 years) . also no problem speaking to me to say our marriage is over and theirs nothing ai can do. I asked him why he didn’t say how ever may months ago how he felt and this isn’t working , and unless things change we would need to split etc, he said he still wasn’t sure and was figuring things out. In the next breath he said why had I not spotted he was pulling away , he has always had dark spells about himself and he never lets anyone in, so i have learned to let him get on with it and he comes out of it, so I assumed it was that. also if he didn’t know how he was feeling about us , how am I supposed to know ? also said he has made no attempt to sort himself out, like anti depressants etc , to see if it is about him and give it a really good go. as soon as I mentioned about a third party though he stormed off saying its not like that, guilty concious I think, nothing may have happened but its made him think.

@beingtakenforafool he is clearly just putting himself first. Whether anything has happened it doesn’t really matter.
He is now emotionally abusing you - you were very clear in the beginning. If he then decided to stay how were you supposed to ‘notice’ any different?
Whatever it is, you, your feelings and wellbeing are not on his radar.
He is behaving badly out of guilt - that could be pining for someone who doesn’t want him, being messed around by someone who isn’t sure about him, or a full on affair.
You will never know, because he hides it all.
Even if he hides his time and stays, he will not be choosing your wellbeing.
Don’t be his last choice.
I know from your words how very much you love him, how hard you’ve worked and the care you have put into the life you’ve created with him.
So very sorry you’ve been put through this.

I notice he still turns everything around to be your fault OP...point that out to him...interesting he stormed off when the other woman was mentioned...he could'r disguise a fart in a thunderstorm. . ..

Selfish rotter.

So he believes has no personal responsibility to communicate his feelings or intent with you? You were just supposed to ‘notice’ he was withdrawing? Unbelievable!
He’s even trying to make your shock and disbelief your own fault!
Pay no attention to this garbage, it’s classic DARVO.
You accuse him of blindsiding you and indulging himself in selfish, cruel behaviour, he feels guilty because he’s knows that exactly what he’s done, so he counters by telling you you should have realised all along and your shock is unjustified. Hey presto, he’s not the problem, you are for not noticing, and he’s the victim of wrongful accusations from you: Here’s why it’s called DARVO:
Denies you have a right to be shocked and blindsided,
Accuses you of overreacting because you should have already noticed and known, thereby
Reversing

Victim and
Offender.
Mind-fecking of the highest order.
Ignore this, it’s the squirming of a cruel, guilty man who doesn’t like seeing the consequences of his cruel and selfish actions towards his family so projects guilt and blame onto you. Do not listen. He’s disgusting.

Yep, my exH did exactly this to justify his cheating. Apparently I should have noticed he was unhappy despite him saying nothing about it and me being knee deep in the trenches of parenting toddlers (mostly on my own). Because I didn't notice, that justified his affair.
You may well find the same kind of logic applies with your DH & that an affair is a justified, if not an inevitable, consequence of "your behaviour" in his head, OP.

@cloudtreecarpet so sorry it happened to you too.
They all do it, it’s a classic way for anyone to be able to do what they know is appallingly wrong, whilst simultaneously maintaining a self-image of being a ‘good person’. Cognitive dissonance at its finest. The only solution to it on the perpetrator’s head is to make it somebody else’s fault and pretend it’s an inevitability.
Blame shifting and DARVO are the second course on the buffet of selfish dishonesty. First course was the shit sandwich of the revelation that when life/ the relationship stalled and became a bit of a chore, they didn’t step up to their responsibilities, they stepped out.

it doesn’t get easier, had several chats and I don’t think he will go to someone else, he def seems done though, but also seems to be making rash decisions, and that if he leaves he can then work on himself and feel better , but at the same time says he has no idea if he will, but he needs time to work on himself, which I get but you can also do that within a marriage, I can give space, accept if he needs to stay elsewhere for a few weeks. I said can’t leave for 3 months and then realise you made a mistake and expect to come back, he says thats on him and yes it is but then you have ripped all our lifes up for nothing and it was never US that was the problem. asked how he can have been working on our marriage without me knowing what was wrong, what maybe needed to be changed to save it ? he can’t really answer that fully. living here for 2 months not together is also going to be miserable , surely trying in those two months can’t be any worse ? I just don’t get it he knows leaving will cause immense pain and financial hardship all around , when your not 100% sure thats what you want , why do it ? why not take some time away, more time to work on yourself so when you make a choice its with more clarity. he just doesn’t get the unfairness of me not being given a heads up and a chance to also have a go at making changes , whatever is needed to try and navigate it together.

I say this with kindness.
What you had has gone.
So my question would always be, would you want to be with someone who has rejected you in this way once before?
You’ll always be sat wondering if when he’ll leave again. I couldn’t live that way.

He has given you the heads up, he’s told you now. I think you are holding on for him to tell you what you want to hear, rather than how he’s actually feeling. I appreciate this is all a shock, but your old life already has been torn apart.
Maybe he has someone else, maybe he doesn’t. But one things for sure, you don’t need to be someone’s option.

but knowing him as I do, he’s not happy within himself and not all about us at all. He is very low and he def won’t be going to someone else, that much I am now very sure of.he feels guilty about how he has behaved and thats eating him up and his way of dealing with that is pushing everyone away, not even just me. If he stayed and tried I wouldn’t be left second guessing or thinking I’M an after thought if he then decided to stay as I know he would be staying because he wants to. Two years down the line either of us could feel different , nobody knows the future, but you know if happened again maybe I wouldn’t spot the signs sooner, ask the questions and he would also speak up sooner. sometimes you learn.

also if he still goes , I know I have given it my all and tried my best and will never look back and think what if, thats something I also need to do to be able to move on

Sorry this has happened to you, and I do know
but what your doing is trying to change his mind
give it another chance, I didn’t know you felt like this , we could work on it
He doesn’t want it
let him go , let him make his own mistakes

you are looking too far in the future, one day at a time.

You may have given your all but he isn't giving anything. How miserable is the atmosphere and vibe in your home just now especially for your DCs?

actually not that bad , ironically he is acting fine and I am being okay, we can sit in same room etc but I guess still a little bit of a glimpse from some discussions we have , and def looking more of a him issue overall. He is having another proper think rather than knee jerk reaction as someone who has really been thinking for 6 months would have a better exit plan surely ? whatever he says next is def though so I guess vibe will change then and stay will be limited as I will need him gone to be able to move on

@beingtakenforafool

I know you want to live in hope, but nothing he's doing or saying convinces me that he isn't serious about leaving. He sounds conflict avoidant and one who doesn't easily discuss things, especially things that are going to upset the other party (you). He's saying what he's saying to keep you (relatively) calm until he can make his exit. It's cruel really, saying things that give you hope when he's already emotionally out the door. The same for him insisting there's no one else. I think it highly likely there is.

You need to start thinking about your future. You know the saying 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'? You're already doing the former, now you really need to do the latter. Preparing for the worst doesn't 'jinx' things. Preparing doesn't make it any more or less likely to happen.

You have yourself and DC to think about. Stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself and your children.

oh I am preparing as well behind the scenes , of course I would like to have hope and just so I can say I did everything I could to make it work and know I mean it. really he won’t go to someone else not for a while and def not her as he knows that means his kids will dispwn him and he still loves them. but I am looking into pensions if divorced , already got the tenancy paperwork signed ready to send off, booked some things on with friends over the next few months to look forward to, discussed finances with adult dc etc etc so I am also practically ready but emotionally I won’t be for a long time no matter what, thats something that will take time. I have also made it very clear once he goes he goes , no coming back in 3 / 6 months when he realised he has made a mistake and life isn’t more rosier etc, as I would never take him back as I would not do that to myself. I am 95% sure its done so not naive.

also at this moment I don’t hate him, I don’t like some
of the things he has done or how he has gone about things, but I don’t hate him and wish him no harm and thats got to be good for my children. yes I am scared for my future , financially etc who wouldn’t be but after speaking to adult Dc we can get by ourselves for next few years together , and I have them and his relationship with them will never be quite the same.

@beingtakenforafool

It sounds as if you are looking to your future, I'm so glad. Too often people bury their heads in the sand for fear of 'making it come true'.

You know, the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. So you are on the right track. Hate just wastes our emotional 'coin' and we should save that for other things. And hate often makes us do stupid things to 'get at' the object of our hate. But to me, anger and hate are separate things. You can be angry, but that doesn't mean you 'hate' that person. And I think anger will come for you, and you should let it. Working through the anger and putting it in its rightful place is what brings you peace in the end.

And aren't adult children just the most amazing thing? To see the change from us always being the 'carer' to them to them reaching out and saying "I got you, Mum". You look at them and think "I done good!".

Maybe you could scan and email his signed agreement to be removed from the tenancy. Definitely have a photocopy and if you need to send the original do it tracked delivery - that's one document you don't want to get lost in the post!

Honestly, I think you should get him out now so you are in control of the narrative - you don't want him sitting back and thinking he has all the power here. It won't make him appreciate you more or think again. He's more likely to appreciate you and miss you when he's not in the house. And it's entirely possible that you will ultimately feel better without him there too and not want him back, impossible though that is to imagine right now. At least you'd be able to breathe and relax.
I think this current situation is death by a thousand cuts - he wants out so let him experience what that truly means without being his safety net.

yes thats the way I am leaning now as its hard for me and how do I start to move on. he should have planned his exit better. I could go to my mums for the rest of month or until his payday otherwise just so he still covers half the bills , then he can afford a bedsit or house share and can save whilst in that. your right he wants out so he needs tp go , he also could ask a couple people to stay in their spare room for a cpuple weeks of he really wanted to

he seems okay with the arrangement but doesn’t seem to realise how much it is hurting me daily, also I think maybe thats the only way he will know if he misses us etc but by then I don’t think I would have him back. he is managing work why I am signed off and in pieces , just struggling to get through the day, forcing myself to eat at least something. I suppose I just feel bad if he has nowhere to go, but thats also not my problem I know, but Im just not a horrible person and my main downfall is I often put others first and I have him for years. he supposedly has been having doubts for 6 months , he could of held on another as from this month we had debts paid and he could have saved for a coupe of months and had enough to move out, maybe he should have thought more, been more cynical. but its cruel staying if he no longer wants to be with me. I think I am going to give him one more week and thats it, I can’t do it anymore than that.

technically though until the tenancy is processed which they said ca take a few weeks I legally can not make him move out

You do realise that pensions are part of the marital pot. What ever your pension worth is added to his pension and divide by 2 and that is the starting point.

If he has separate savings and investments etc then again it is added to the marital pot

Doesn’t matter whose name is on the account. If he has been putting away £10 per week for the whole of his married life it all becomes joint as you are married.
Even any business you or he might have gets valued and becomes part of the pot

The starting point for division of the marital pot is 50/50

he has no savings and not sure the pension is big enough to even pay a solicitor to sort, only been paying into one for 10 years, granted it will be a but bigger than mine, but we are probably talking a couple thousand. its from
now on in he can afford to put more in to his, whilst I will need to either stop mine ot at best pay minimum so i can actually afford to live now. when you thought when retirement came round you would both be in it together so you would get by instead Im the one back to struggling. struggled all these years and now light at the end of tunnel, he is going and will be fine and I am back to struggling. I asked him if he had thought about wether adult dc may want to move in with him and for him to get. bigger place, it honestly had not crossed his mind, he just thinking of himself.

he adamant he will sleep in his car if thats what he has to do to get away from me

So why isn’t he?