husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

@beingtakenforafool

Well done on the tenancy and money for DC. But you still need to see that solicitor. He can stop the money at any time he wants since they're adults. You need to start working on your future financial security. And that means a solicitor.

Yeah, very strange, sometimes best to just ignore pists that completely miss the actual facts!

it's definitely how he's gone about it! Of course the fool can leave if he thinks he'll be happier (idiot) but you owe the other person to do it much more humanely than he has.

right now though, you just have to pull it together, stay strong & get through it. You can do the WTAF & what ifs later 🤗

I'm glad he's signed the tenancy - even if he eventually wants to stay and you want to let him, keep that tenancy in your name. He cannot be relied upon anymore and having a secure home is so important.

If this was me, my next step would be to remove him from any bank accounts/credit cards that were in my name too. When the time comes, you don't want him paying rental deposits from a joint account and potentially using an overdraft or credit that you would also be legally liable for.
If there's any money in the accounts, move your share to an account that he cannot access.

Agree with pp that it's time to get legal advice - you might not be ready to move forward with any of it, but it's never a bad idea to find out what your rights are.

no joint accounts or cards

he is still on sofa and sleeping soundly whilst I am asake and feeling like crap. Hopefully next payday he has enough to leave. not been back to work and still not sure I can face it as I just break down unexpectedly. i may need to get signed off by dr as this has truly broken me and rocked my whole world. i sleep about 2-3 hrs a night, my mind is in constant overdrive. I have barely eaten , first proper meal i ate was last night ehen I went to a friends. I just feel sick even thinking of food and manage a couplr mouthfuls at home. my home also feels strange , not like my home
or safe place anymore as the memories are haunting I think I may get paint brushed out and change some
places, also considering swapping rooms with one of dc as their partner stays a lot so they would benefit from bigger room and its like fresh start for me, as otherwise always think of it as our room and empty where his stuff once was.

I happened to be awake as well to use the loo. Sorry you aren’t sleeping. Changing bedrooms is maybe a good idea. I’ve also seen other people in a similar situation getting new bed linen and rearranging bedrooms to sort of reclaim that space. I redecorated my bedroom from white to a strong colour to make it very different.

Consider sleeping tablets or melatonin for a couple of nights. It’s really hard to make any emotional progress while you’re totally exhausted. And yes, getting signed off for a week or two is totally reasonable, it’s a big shock and natural you need some time.

I also think focusing on the practical things will help you. What you’re going through is very hard so you need a strategy that you can hold onto until you start to find your feet.

Once he’s gone the house will feel different. It’s an awful feeling waiting for them to leave. Think about how you can rearrange furniture, paint walls, or make other changes. Spend time researching colours and other cheap ways to make the house “yours”. Is there any decoration you always wanted but couldn’t have because you had to compromise? Now the time! Make your bedroom a beautiful sanctuary. Move furniture or swap rooms. This is your space now.

Focusing on practical things you can do will help prevent you from being drawn into overthinking and brooding. He’s not worth your energy.

Dont rule out short-term antidepressants if you can’t manage. I know my mum had them during her divorce and it helped her through those tricky months.

i think I will see the Gp next week. I am trying to focus on practical things I can do and booked a few events with friends for the summer to have some things to look forward to. I am also hitting angry stage now , he has changed me as a person, I was a very trusting loyal kind of person and now I don’t think I can trust anyone ever again, My husband was one of the most trustworthy decent guys , until he wasn’t. when people find out we have split and some of the reasons etc , they will be truly shocked. I will never be able to let anyone in as olose as that, thats what hurts. If had told me how he was feeling months ago and we tried to work through it , but it didn’t work, I would be hurting of course but I wouldn’t have all the feelings of betryal , the feelings of not knowing what was actually real over last few months etc . He has caused ever lasting damage really and all the apologies in the world can’t fix that as he continued fo make choices that would hurt me. Plus from day one I have always said if your feelings change tell me, leave before you ever even glance at another woman. its feels bad for my dc as I won’t be able to have an amicable relationship with him, so birthdays etc they will always have to choose. if they get married , I really won’t be able to be in the same room as him. Im only allowing him
to stay for their sake but avoiding being in too much together. Next week I think I will swap rooms and paint one, discard all our duvet sets and get myself a couple new ones , that I like just for me. pack them with his things, also going fo pack up his stuff that he doesn’t need right now, into boxes and put them in garage so not around me. He can live out suitcases He may be staying here but its not his home anymore , its purely a roof over his head.

Finding your anger is a good thing , he has totally blindsided you . Great idea to change rooms , declutter his shit . Get all his stuff into the garage , no reminders . Show your strength to yourself , son and him. I can guarantee you will not feel as much pain as you do now in a few months time and I can guarantee you you will be ok and this is a moment in time . Watch the trees , they’ve been stripped to the bare minimum, no leaves and totally exposed atm , watch them , they will soon grow , start again , form new leaves, blossom and become beautiful again. The same will happen to you .

thank you. just had tears again and went to out to sit in car so adult Dc and partners don’t have to hear and forgot its not even here as Left it at friends last night. loosing my mind, The thing I miss the most is a cuddle where I felt safe in his arms all these years, he watches me break down now and just sits there . just had to shut myself in downstairs toilet to cry, when its just dc i don’t mind but partners I don’t want them
to feel awkward & uncomfortable.

This sounds very familiar because it’s my story as well as so many other stories on here. Someone has already said he’s a psychopathic narcissist but he’s just a very ordinary disappointing Middle Aged man.

You will be fine. It’s OK that you blew up as he can’t pretend your relationship was dead and gone and irrelevant now that he’s had his head turned and is looking elsewhere. But it’s now time to be smart and logical about finances and practical things. He should pay off half the joint debts. If he’s saying he’ll give some money why are you thinking of taking out a loan to pay rent arrears? He should give you half.

Take a day to go through everything he is responsible for and give him a bill. Stop any payments for anything for him and let him know the details so he can set up payments. SIM card and car insurance etc. the credit score sites can give you a list of anything with your name on it.

I wouldn’t move out. Let him go. Don’t tell him to go just let him.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been through it, too. Yes, just another dissatisfied, middle-aged malcontent, thinking he's too good for his wife all of a sudden.

I disagree with those saying it's all fine and dandy to leave the relationship if you're not happy. What is the sodding point of the sodding marriage vows, then? Absent abuse or neglect, you're supposed to work at it.

You have every right to feel aggrieved, OP. Yes, you will be OK, and better off without someone who has shown such a lack of commitment and care towards you, but I think those who have not been divorced, especially after a long marriage, cannot appreciate how totally it bifurcates your life. Your entire future that you thought you could rely on as a guiding beacon through the present is gone. Where's the lighthouse? It's gone dark, and you have no idea where the rocks are. Where there was a future, there's just empty space. Nobody who hasn't been through it can understand the scale of the adjustment required.

Unless you have cheated on your spouse or abused him in some way, including longterm neglect, then I think ending a marriage is a moral crime, I really do.

I dearly hope he comes to regret this.

The sooner you get him out of the property the better for your mental health. Where he goes is something he should have considered before putting you in this position and not something you need to worry about. His decision his problem. The sooner you find your boundary the better.

I think you need to get him out too - it really isn't helping you that he continues to snore on your sofa, having caused all the distress you are feeling.
At the very least, his stuff should be going to a storage unit - it's time he started feeling some real world consequences of his decisions. As things stand, he's opted out of your shared life but he's still in the house, hasn't really taken on any responsibility for anything. Bar sleeping on the sofa, his life still looks the same and the sooner he has to lie in the bed he's made, the better for you. It's impossible for you to get any peace while he's still there.

Is it also possible for dc's partners to go to their own homes for a week, to give you time to breathe and not have to put in a brave face?

edited for typo

Your DC and you will suffer more with him still in the house the vibe will be horrible. Give him a date to leave and don't worry about how he will support himself. Don't cry in front of him he will not feel sorry for you and decide to stay. Your only chance of getting him back is once he has gone and realises what he has lost. Sorry you are going though this its like a bereavement but you will survive it in the end.

OP see your GP next week, this is no small thing that has happened to you, it’s disorienting and totally destroys your ideas of what your reality was and now is, betrayal does serious damage. Cut yourself slack, get signed off work for a while, you need as few extra stressors around you as possible. Find the website of Michelle Mays, she’s absolutely brilliant at betrayal, what it does to you and why you feel the way you do and how to survive then thrive again. Her book ‘The Betrayal Bind’ is on Amazon and she’s excellent, it will ground you and help you feel more normal to learn about what you’re going through and how to recover from it. You’ve got a lot on your plate at the moment but I really would recommend googling Michelle Mays and how to deal with the roller coaster emotions you’re going through.

Michelle Mays runs paid courses but the website and forums are free. If you can’t concentrate enough to read currently, her podcasts on YouTube are excellent.

@beingtakenforafool I would ask your kids not to have partners round for a while -

they have suffered enough, and its their home so not restricting them. They are mostly out in evenings , just through the night. work all day so not here excessively

@beingtakenforafool

If you left your car at friend's to keep it safe, good for you!! If you haven't gotten that tenancy paper out of the house or locked away, do that too. Get ALL important papers and documents out. If you have sentimental items or photos get them out too. Do it quietly but do it now. At this point you don't know if or when he may turn nasty or decide he should have 'everything' and you want the things you love out of reach.

Also, it's a good idea to change all your passwords too. Even if you don't have shared finances or devices, it's still a good idea as you don't know what you may have shared in the past.

To end a 20 year marriage over 6 months of lost feelings or a rough patch without telling you is ridiculous, to the point where I think it's likely he's lying.

I'm afraid you're going to have to prepare yourself for the fact that his head has been turned.

I agree that there is likely more to his story than just not wanting to be married any more.

Sadly I also think there is more to this, it happens, but is very rare, that men leave without already being interested in somebody else.

Have read a previous thread and this guy was involved in texts and stonewalling a few months.
He has clearly been lying to OP since then.
I feel for her, he has had an opportunity back then and stayed and caused more harm.