husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

there is no money for a hotel, after we paid all the bills etc just some shopping money and a couple hundred pound- he may get 2 nights at best. He is still here as kids don’t like idea of him sleeping in car/ street and were worried, They may be young adults but I do need to think of them. But I am not leaving the house, he can stay if he can be civil on the couch until he gets money together, if he can’t do that, then it will be the streets. I think that is fair under the circumstances and I can keep myself busy and out with friends etc, even if just pop round for a coffee. He will feel more uncomfortable than me. they are the choices I am giving him tonight.

Have your friends come round to you when he’s there, to make him feel extra awkward.

I'd keep myself busy, I wouldn't do anything for him, wouldn't deliberately keep the noise down when he's on the sofa, I'd do my best to ignore him and think of nice things instead.

I'm just going to remind everyone that this is a joint tenancy. Neither party can be asked to leave while that exists. I would urge the OP not to make life harder for herself by trying to get him out until the matter of the tenancy is sorted. He would be within his rights to not sign the tenancy over.

he will sign it as he can then walk away , he won’t want to live here with me & I am not budging . he won’t risk the dc falling out with him, at moment they are okay. they were not happy about messages but have accepted his explanation nothing has happened and putting blame mostly on her. if he ends up with her at a later date that will be a different matter and they never spoke to him for a couple days and that did hurt him, he showed emotion then. I have no doubt he loves and cares for them, so will do right by them

he has always been a good dad, and until the last few weeks on the whole a great husband, yes we have had our moments but on the whole, he has always done right by us and put us first, maybe thats why it hurts so much as he is not normally such a horrible person.

He may well sign. I used to be a housing officer for a local authority, I'm giving you this advice because I have seen people start to argue about the property when it all seemed cut and dried. You thought you knew him, but he's now acting in a way you didn't think possible. Being distant and only dealing with practical matters and not taking some of the advice given here will ensure it takes place smoothly.

@beingtakenforafool

If he's willing to sign over the tenancy get him to do it NOW, regardless of whether he leaves afterwards or not. You must strike whilst the iron is hot. Tell him you won't 'force him out' (fingers crossed behind your back) but that him signing will help you to 'accept things'.

Please, for your own peace of mind, quit talking to him about the 'whys' of the split. He doesn't care, you can't change his mind. All you're doing is poking at your own pain. He has none to poke at.

If you are remaining quiet on urging him to leave because of the DC, that's your decision. But at this point I'd treat him like an unwanted 'ghost' (no typo, that's ghost not guest). For you, he no longer exists in the house. Do not speak to him. Do not cook, clean, do laundry, or perform any domestic services for him. Freeze him out. He's already frozen you out, hasn't he?

As far as being a 'good dad', good dads don't cheat and that's a fact. There is no such thing as a 'cheating good dad'. If he was unhappy the right thing to have done was to sit you down months ago and told you he was unhappy. Instead he chose to keep you in the dark, take up with an OW, and then dump all that on you. Even if his decision had been irrevocable 6 months ago, there could have been counseling to help him tell you in a kinder way and to help you both 'uncouple' in a better way than is happening now.

Also, you cannot rely on his past behaviour to predict his future behaviour. When it comes to separation and divorce all bets are off. He could turn into a greedy and demanding shit tomorrow. See that solicitor, guard your words.

You're not that clued up about relationships & marriage.

what a bonkers comment.

If you’re married a long time, you can stop having things in common. It happens and divorce happens.

Well sure, but in light of the op's posts it's more likely an excuse

last couple months we had some issued due to his friendship with co worker, but I thought we had sorted that and were in a much better place. Going by what he had told me , but clearly that was all lies.

Being in a relationship doesnt mean you are attached to that person with a ball and chain for life, he was unhappy he left thats allowed

Because they're just not. The vast majority if men won't leave until they have someone else. Women are different.

I didn't say otherwise. You're twisting things & being unpleasant to the OP.

neither I nor anyone else said he was responsible for her or that he had to stay whether he was happy or not.

he hasn't spent 20+ years 'looking after' her & the kids. He made vows for life, not for a 20 year block of time, IMO & most other peoples I imagine, you owe your husband/wife more than telling them you're leaving when they're just heading out the door to a medical appointment re investigations for something that could be serious why do you think after 27 years together that's completely acceptable??

Because he isnt responsible for her, he is responsible for his own happiness and he haa worked full time and yes supported her, life is short he is allowed to be happy,

Maybe he was trying to figure out how he felt before telling you. Feelings don't usually change overnight

Don't make excuses for him. He was sending messages to a co-worker, it doesn't sound quite as simple as he just didn't know how to tell the OP how he felt.

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yes he is but way he has done it, I would have like to have been told he had doubts 6 months ago. Also he hasn’t supported me we have supported each other. I have always worked and at times earnt more, so pretty even overall. he is not responsible for my happiness but there were better ways to have done it

yes but not sure it takes 6 months or more. plus I still would have appreciated a conversation to explain where he was at

also to update we have spoken today like adults and although its still likely over, we have sorted some things out and he still wants to provide money for Dc as they will live with me, despite them being non dependants as such and has signed tenancy ( i ordered this straight away) he showed much more of his normal self, but ai was also proud of myself as i just said what I needed, didn’t get angry or upset etc

Well done. It’s really hard to behave both calmly and assertively in this situation, you should be proud of yourself. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

There are no excuses for his total lack of honest communication OP, he should have been upfront with you ages ago.
Just walking out after being able to chat with a colleague about it but not you is utterly selfush, dishonest and cowardly. No excuse for that at all.

I fear for your comprehension level.

I specifically said he's NOT responsible for her & of course he is entitled to leave & be happy, but it's how you go about it.

He hadn't supported her for 20 years, more like the other way around.

i could keep explaining it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I know strange aren’t they , maybe they are the colleague 😂 marriage is surely about supporting each other in good times and bad and we have both been the main earner at one time or another , also pretty sure he could not have birthed his kids and been able to build a career if he had to manage drop offs etc around a job like I did. even when part time my salary at the time wasn’t much less and we had no childcare costs. Some people just don’t think it seems. its also how its been done , not because he has done it