Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

Of course he's lying to you. I very much doubt he will start counselling. He is just saying whatever he thinks you want to hear. His motive? Money. Don't believe everything he says about finances. He will be onto his lawyer immediately. 50/50 just means he doesn't have to pay child support.

This is a load of crap.

he is having an affair. He's dripping feeding you. As for his colleagues having to speak to him about your behaviour!

sorry about your daughter. That is unbearable.

this marriage is over. Sex last night was shut up sex btw.

We only have one life, best not be miserable.
Good luck OP, be strong, be happy.

It’s obvious broken you both and unfortunately he has dealt with it in a very unhealthy way. He does need help, however it would be unfair on you for you to be that person at the moment. Can his parents speak to him and try to get him to consider individual counselling again? It’s easy for people to judge him and obviously what he’s done is horrible and selfish, however he’s obviously trying to suppress his grief and he’s just delaying the inevitable breakdown.

I’m so so sorry you are having to deal with this now, on top of your grief. Him being uncomfortable when you mention your grief isn’t something you’ve done wrong, he finds uncomfortable because he’s bottling everything up.

Do consider joint counselling further down the line, you don’t have to make any decisions yet.

@ThisCheekyWasp losing a child is the hardest thing to deal with. Some couples pull together, some fall apart.
Regardless of you staying together you BOTH need help to get through this. You'll never get over it, but you will find a way forward.
I wish you all the best 💐

@ThisCheekyWasp
"He has said that he’s not been in contact with her for a few weeks he ended things."

Coincidence? I think not.

I’m already low I don’t need judgment for having sex with him.

Im going through a very tough time and I just hope it works out for my children, he hasn’t said he doesn’t want to pay child support I’m not sure where this is all coming from. I haven’t put every single thing we have discussed as it’ll be too long. I’d like to believe that he’s not going to abandon his children that would mean abandoning his family, extended family I’m very close to his family, I hope the last 17 years hasn’t just been a lie and they can just abandon their nephews, grandchildren etc just like that.

Maybe my husband is lying about loving his kids and not abandoning them. I have spoken to a solicitor, my husband has barely had the chance to get in touch with a solicitor.

His colleagues over the last year or so have personally asked me if I’m okay if there’s anything they can help us with. The night where I got very drunk at his work event, the next day his closest colleague did call me and check on this was the same one that messaged my husband about my behaviour. His wife and I are close we go to cafes quite often she’s been supportive of me.

There’s a lot more nuance to this than what I’m posted. I’m hurt, angry, sad, upset I don’t need judgement my fault for posting on this site I just wanted perspectives not someone to tell me “sex was shut up sex btw” I think it’s the “btw” that did it ahaha

Im human I’m not perfect

Sorry.

Having just caught up on this whole thread I am absolutely raging for you. He’s basically saying it was your job as a mother grieving their child to “cheer up love” and generally make life nice for him.

Fuck that. You deserve so much better. So do your children, who will probably never forgive him this betrayal of their mother - particularly later in life if they become parents themselves and understand the magnitude of what you went through.

Take him royally to the cleaners. Every penny you can get. It will never be enough.

Don't you think it's odd that the moment you say you want a divorce he starts talking about finances?

Do you know who the affair partner is @ThisCheekyWasp ? In my experience a woman who takes at £15k gift from a man she knows is married with children is going to be pushing hard for him to hide assets in a divorce and make life hard for you. Just because he hasn’t left you for her doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to end up with her (and possibly with her quite quickly if she doesn’t also have a marriage to unwind) and she’s had a taste for very expensive gifts. She’s not suddenly going to be happy with a basic middle class standard of living.

Clearly you don’t speak THAT much if you can’t even discuss finding a receipt for a 15k necklace!!!!

It’s is odd thought I brought up finances first as I said I can buy a house for the boys and I if he’d like to stay in our current house.

I will just have to see how it all plays out when solicitors are involved. I’ve been getting advice, I’ve known my husband 17 year but when money is involved it seems as thought people change I’ve had over 30 different messages from people some good some bad but for now I’ll see how it goes. I doubt my husband wants to abandon his children but I guess you never truly know

I just didn’t care at the time I had my suspicions and maybe you’re right maybe we don’t talk ever probably why I’m in this position because I haven’t talked to my husband for a year

Yes I do know who it is.

she’s a surgeon and I don’t think her life even before my husband was “basic middle class” but I could be wrong

@ThisCheekyWasp please don’t feel guilty about anything you’ve done. Some people are being very harsh towards you. It’s very easy to say they’d do things differently or point out what they perceive you to have done wrong, because they aren’t in your situation. No one should judge you or comment on how you’ve reacted because they aren’t you and they don’t know your husband or your relationship.

It’s positive that you have started communicating, try to keep that going. Whether you ultimately decide to split or start again together communication is important.

OP I'm really sorry you are getting so much judgment here. I think no one here can fully understand what it's like to be in your position. The death of your daughter is horrific and I'm sure the grief remains incredibly raw for both of you. I didn't take your husband's explanation as an excuse or a way to blame you for his affair. It just it was it is. No one can predict how they react to grief and loss. We would like to think that as a couple, as a family, we get through it but the truth is we don't know until we're there. Many couples don't survive the death of a child. It doesn't always draw couples closer together, all too often in drives them apart. Perhaps it was hard for you to make space for each other in your grief.

I am not excusing his affair. I can understand how it happened, in the same way I could understand if you had had an affair or developed a drinking problem or whatever other way people chose to numb themselves when these tragedies occur.

Your husband doesn't sound like a bad man. I'm sure he loves his children and that he won't abandon them. I hope you can all move forward in whatever way is best. Perhaps counselling will help you either reunite or separate amicably and become committed coparents.

I am thinking of you and sending you best wishes and I hope you get through this.

I absolutely and completely ‘get’ where you are coming from OP. The death of a child is a terrible tragedy to BOTH parents however how each one processes that grief can be very different. I don’t know that it’s over to be honest unless of course that’s what YOU want. A trial separation may be the beginning of a new chapter of your lives together or apart.
MN is so ridiculously black and white with affairs. There is never any room for understanding or uncertainty. Many posters will be incensed that you aren’t shouting and screaming and jumping up and down throwing receipts in his face and demanding answers and threatening to ruin him financially.
It sounds to me like he is a fabulous father and you are an equally wonderful mother. Your joint focus on their wellbeing is absolutely the right way to go.

As for having sex with him. That is nothing to judge you for. In the same set of circumstances I would have done the same thing.
Make no hasty decisions. Take your time to talk it all through and when you are ready do what is right for you. In my view sex outside a marriage is just sex. Unless there is love then it’s a physical release from pain or frustration. Sex and Love is a different thing entirely.

Some of these responses are just awful. What’s actually wrong with people, They come across so angry and bitter.

op, I’m sorry you’re going through this, it seems an incredibly difficult set of circumstances and a very sad set. Hopefully you can both seperate as peacefully and amicably as possible, it doesn’t seem money is an issue here, which makes it easier

you don’t seem particularly jealous over the ow, which tells me it probably is over, last night was just a connection for you both. And it doesn’t seem like he wants to abandon his children.

sometimes marriages end, due to the saddest of circumstances so please don’t let posters on here encourage you to make it as acrimonious as possible due to their own issues,

It's not about him abandoning the children, it's about him lulling you into a false sense of security and then screwing you over. This is so common and why you need really good legal advice.

He can say anything now to keep you sweet but this is a man who has ignored you and cheated on you and lavished his time, affection and attention on another woman. Did you expect that after knowing him for 17 years?

He has a girlfriend who is his priority. He's not wanted any physical or emotional connection with you. Yes, he does love his children and that's probably the only reason he hasn't ended the relationship himself.

You cannot trust him. You know for a fact that he's a liar. You said it yourself that he lies to you. So don't believe him now. He hasn't suddenly had a change of heart, he will do what suits him as he always has done.

@ThisCheekyWasp now I’ve finished reading your posts I kind of understand a bit more.
I’m so sorry on the loss on your child - something so tragically awful can either pull couples together or push them apart no matter how stable their relationship may have been before.
Sadly it’s created a gulf between you and it became the norm to not speak other than on a superficial level - keeping everything ticking over - and you’ve both adjusted to your situation differently.
Sadly he’s sought some form of comfort elsewhere and whether you can come back from that or not is something only you can decide.
Above everything else though, you NEED to keep talking and being honest with each other no matter how much it might hurt the other.
Having a separation might be a good thing but this needs resolving - you both need to work through this together with counselling so you are both in the right place mentally to decide if you want to go ahead with a divorce or not.
I really wish you both well and please get counselling - from professionals who look at the whole situation and don’t just say throw in the towel without trying because he did this that or the other. We all make mistakes, and sometimes ones driven by grief are the worst ones.
Meant with respect x

@ThisCheekyWasp I'm glad you are now having productive talks with your husband. And I'm sure that an initial separation, not rushing into divorce, is the right thing to do.

You might want to step away from this thread for a day or two. Mumsnet seems to have a lot of people who love to advise others to take the "nuclear option" - but if it's not right for you then you have to ignore them.

Edit: oh, and I meant to say it looks like your husband hasn't properly processed his grief over the death of your daughter. I'm sure he would benefit from individual counselling (and possibly needs your support to do that - it's not an easy thing to do).

Thank you.

you are right but I also couldn’t care about his money I have my own. I just want my children to be secure.

people do change I didn’t expect this but I have to accept it and get on with life. I hope it works out well for everyone I don’t want him to “suffer” that’s not who I am and that’s not someone I’ve ever been end of the day we have 3 beautiful boys I hope we can coparent a well and have a great parent relationship. It sucks that’s we’ve lost a child but I hope we can both get the chance to grieve for our daughter. I’ve used the death of my daughter as motivation to keep going , I love her so much I wish she was here my marriage was different we were so so happy and excited I enjoyed every step of my pregnancy, the birth and just getting to know our little one but that’s passed and I want to cherish the good memories.

I just hope he can do what is best for his kids and it doesn’t need to be a fight we are both adults, we both love our children. I’d be even more heartbroken and upset if he chose to “abandon” our kids but I you never know what someone is capable of.

Why did he refuse sex with you on Valentines Day if he had already separated from her and was intending to mend things with you? It doesn’t add up for me.

OP, I couldn’t move on without sending you a handhold. I really hope you have friends and family IRL who will give you the hugs and comfort you need and deserve.

I’m so sorry about the death of your little girl and all the grief and pain that has brought. It’s good to hear that you’re processing some of that and that you’re starting to be able make some decisions. I’m also sorry that your husband has not been able to deal with his grief more appropriately. His comment re counselling was very telling in that he ‘doesn’t want to cry’. Crying over the death of a child would be a normal response, but I suspect he’s worried that once he’s taken the lid off those emotions he won’t be able to stop them pouring out. It’s not a helpful response, but it is a very human (and dare I say it, often male) response.

I hope the separation gives you the space you both need to take a breath and consider what should come next. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if a year down the line (if he does indeed go for counselling) he looks back and wonders what on earth he was playing at, but who knows.

I think you are brave and strong. You’ve been through the worst thing any parent could go through and you are still standing, still being an amazing mum to your DC and still trying to embrace the life that’s ahead of you. Well done. There are brighter days to come, I’m sure of it.