Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

What a cunt your husband is. He must think you’re stupid, no, he DOES think you’re stupid, and the absolute gall of him to turn it round on you and bring his colleagues into it (i don’t believe that colleagues acted as he said, or if they did they’re even worse cunts than he is). And please don’t believe him when he says he’s not having an affair. You made a mistake having sex with him this morning, you don’t honestly think he wants you again after so many months of rejecting you? He’s just worried reality is going to come crashing down on his world of hotel nights and £15k necklaces. You need to get angry, you’re nowhere near angry enough.

Couldn't agree with this more re gathering financial info.

My exH moved all £250,000 out of our savings out of our joint accounts and told me it was all spent. Luckily for me he left the transfer receipt in a jacket pocket, and I found it...

Be prepared for it to get nasty over money, because it almost always does. And see if you can track how much he's spent on OW, because it sounds like it will be a LOT, that should be offset for you before splitting assets.

Good luck OP 💐

Gather proof of assets, income etc today. If he's spending £15k on his mistress he's clearly not prioritizing the needs of his kids, and will probably try to hide stuff.

I’m quite confused here OP. It sounds as if he was hoping to work things out - the change in behaviour, wanting to talk, physical intimacy.

Has he just accepted that it’s over between you? Is it because you told him you know about the affair?

Either way, you need to strike while the iron is hot. There are plenty of men who are kind and generous at the start who have a sudden change of heart. It’s never expected and the woman always says that she’d never have believed it of her husband. I’m just worried that you’re following this path too.

You don’t need to judge me

Sleeping with him was me wanting some sort of connection, I’m human I’m not perfect, and I’m hurt. You don’t need to judge me for having sex with him.

Sleeping with him was a way to try and connect and get back the intimacy you lost, no one should judge you for that.

He said I say what I want and I can have it what’s his is mine (his own words) I’m angry

Remember he is only saying this now because the guilt is fresh. As days and weeks pass, he is likely to get much less generous.

See a lawyer asap, start getting written confirmation of a financial agreement.

Hey @ThisCheekyWasp, I'm so sorry to read about your loss and what you are going through. I'm not sure if you have ever discussed disassociating in your therapist but some of the things you have mentioned here sound to me as if you may have been/ be experiencing some disassociation as you go through the grieving process. This would be completely understandable with all you have been through. Sometimes it's also very necessary as a self protection measure.

Be gentle with yourself at the moment. I'm not surprised you had sex with your husband as you've been craving emotional intimacy with him for such a long time.

Have you got a support network you can lean on?

If you want to do some couples therapy it might help you to navigate whatever you choose to do, whether that be divorce or stay together. Just find someone you feel safe with. But I would urge you to stay in personal therapy to help you to process all your feelings at this time.

Lots of the women here are giving great advice on how to protect yourself financially. Unfortunately you will need to deal with the practical along with the emotional. It's rubbish but you deserve to protect the life you want, and that will take you being savvy with what assets you have jointly. Please look into getting good legal advice.

Take care of yourself - glad to hear you went on that bike ride and you are doing things for yourself.

I agree with @nomas, no-one should judge you for having sex with your husband (and most people aren't). It's entirely up to you (the two of you I suppose) to navigate the change in your relationship in any way you want to. It sounds as if the sex was a gateway to the difficult conversation you needed to have.

It's all too easy to be a "keyboard warrior", to paint your husband as the devil incarnate and yourself as foolish for being "duped" by him, but of course the reality is far more nuanced.

And yes it is possible to negotiate an amicable end to a relationship that is broken. It hurts, of course, but that doesn't mean you have to treat your STBEx like your new worst enemy.

Sounds a terrible way to tell someone. Doesn’t sound as though you had his or your children’s interests at heart. It is all about you but you won’t want to hear that.

So he's told you it's "not an affair affair", and "it's not really sex", and it's basically your fault because of how you grieved for your daughter.
I'm sorry, but that is just bullshit.
It IS an affair affair - they've been staying in lovely hotels, eating in great restaurants, and HE GAVE HER A £15k NECKLACE!
That is the very definition of an affair.
And blaming it on you - that's a really low blow.
This is really not a nice, caring, thoughtful man.
Make sure you have an excellent solicitor. He might sound very reasonable and have-whatever-you-want now, but I would be astonished if that continues for long.

Good luck OP.

The sex was just 'hysterical bonding'. It's a well known, common response to infidelity. Nothing wrong with it but also nothing particularly right about it.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses. What has happened to you is heartbreaking. It is particularly unkind of your husband to turn away from you because your grief was too difficult for him, but sadly it’s not uncommon.

I’m so glad that you told him what you were thinking and that it has led to these conversations, even though I have to agree with other others that he is laying the blame with you and not taking responsibility for his inability to cope with his and your emotions. But saying that I have no idea what it’s like to go through what you have gone through. I have no idea whether that I would be able to cope and to keep my marriage on track. I have no idea how I would even get out of bed in the morning if I had lost my baby.

I hope that the two of you manage to do this calmly, and that on the other side of this you begin to find some happiness

I'd say exactly something along the lines of this. Add in that he's clearly been seeking sex and attention outside the marriage for X amount of time, spending assets on maintaining that relationship, while ignoring yours. Which was especially painful as you were grieving the loss of your child. And there's no way back with him for you after he's done this.

Yes that is bad

At first I thought you were being hugely unreasonable.

Then I got to the line where you have not been physically close for over a year? If he hasn't had sex with you in over a year and you have been trying then it's completely justified.

Its fine for him not to want sex of course... but that was his way of laying the ground work for this moment. This is all on him.

Best of luck to you.

Hi OP, so sorry for all you’ve been through.

i did JoGLE a few years ago (assume you’re doing RAB?), and it was like a huge therapy session. The monotony of cycling, the time on the road, the bubble - it was cathartic and life changing. So much time to spend thinking things through, and whatever happens with your husband in the run up to it, I am confident that you’ll come out LEJoG a different (and hopefully happier) person.

Its fine for him not to want sex of course... but that was his way of laying the ground work for this moment.

He does want sex and indeed he is having sex with the girlfriend he is currently dating.

Oh they’ll do plenty of that on here my sweet. Ignore it.

personally I read all of your posts and my eyes popped out on stalks at the big reveal. That was one hell of a drip feed which explains perfectly why your marriage crumbled. You both will have been utterly destroyed by your loss, which I truly am so very sorry to read.

that said I think you are probably right that you have both drifted apart but this doesn’t have to end in bitterness and you can still be functioning co parents going forward.

I hope that you can part on good terms and both concentrate on your children together xx

I was going to say YWBU to tell him before work but after reading this fuck him. He's spent 15k on another woman??? wtaf?? I'm sure he likes having you around to look after his children while he entertains other women.......... Get this divorce done and start living again. Best of luck to you ✊

We talked this morning and we are going to separate first and see how that goes. He insists he loves me and that he sorry for the past year, he said he’d not blaming me more so an explanation for why he’s been the way he has. I’m not sure what to make of that maybe he’s just saying things for the sake of it. I still love him but I also need time to myself it’s hard I’m hurt and upset but also we’ve created a good life we have had an amazing 17 years together, 15 years at this point losing our daughter was where it all kind of went wrong I didn’t know to grieve for my baby I was all over the place sadly he couldn’t support me. It’s no one’s fault our daughter passed but it would have been nice to have had the support from my husband but alas that’s life. Up until then we had a great marriage, we were connected.

He had said he will contact a solicitor, I’ve told him that I’ve been in touch with one too. He’s offered to pay, we are looking to sit down with a mediator or just someone and decide how to go about this to trial separation and see. He’s said he will buy another house, I can have the house as it is paid for the kids like the house we don’t want to move them around. He will look at buying another house in the area, his closest friend from school is a partner at Knight Frank so he has some connections there. This is all rough ideas we haven’t come to an agreement but that’s what we want at the moment. Things change he’s said he wants us to do 50/50 split he earns more than me but that can be discussed once we’ve sat down with solicitors.

We will see what happens things might change next week but I’ve said I’d like for us to have somewhat of an agreement to discuss with solicitors next week if possible and see where we both stand. He has said he wants to try counselling together even if we are separating.

One thing I can’t fault him on is that he is a great father to his living children. Never once let them down, If he says he will be somewhere he’s there , if he says he’ll do something he does it. I can’t think of anything to taunt him in regards to his parenting. Maybe the fact that he refuses to talk about our daughter who passed away but his living children he is there for them. Our son had his first hockey fixture, my husband was in Canada for a work thing, he flew the morning of the fixture watched the fixed, took us out for lunch as the kids were very excited then flew back to Canada. Realistically he could have missed this one game but he wanted to show up for his son.

Some of the responses in this thread are mental. Saying you are coming across passive, so what if you bloody are. You’re exhausted, you lost a child, just found out your husband is having an affair and have already started working on yourself to get over it and been incredibly brave to say you want a divorce and come to terms with that.

I think given the situation I would be accepting too and just push on. What will anger do? Just make it worse for you when you could be getting all your ducks in a row and moving on with your life.

You were not unreasonable to have said you want a divorce when you did. He’s a lying cheat, who has blamed you for grieving the loss of your child as the reason he has had an affair, he doesn’t deserve decency. You are the person who deserves to be treated better, not him.

How dare he blame you for his actions. They are his actions, his choices.

Of course you will put your children first as you have said. But make sure you are also a priority, choose yourself, get the divorce, be the best mum you can be and move on with life.

You can do it, a million other women have done it before you! ♥️

@ThisCheekyWasp the fact that he can’t even speak about your daughter shows he hasn’t dealt with her death and his grief. He really needs to address this for his own sake. Has he had any counselling?

Joint counselling is a good idea, however individual counselling is so important too.

Has he spoken about ending things with the other woman?

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
While you were caring for 3 kids and grieving, instead of being there as a team he was off wining and dining. And with another woman. Saying it's not an affair but hotels, jewellery, lies and secrecy - of course it's an affair. He's pathetic. Don't fall for any "I was struggling too/ you weren't there for me / I was depressed and just wanted an escape from my grief" or any other excuses either. There are many, many ways he could have managed this situation better and his affair is on him. Honestly, your poor timing is nothing in comparison and you have plenty of good reasons to want this divorce.

Well done on the cycling and work successes.

He has said that he’s not been in contact with her for a few weeks he ended things. I can’t be sure if that’s the truth but that’s what he’s telling me. I’ve told him that I have been speaking to his mum for a while about this and he’s said his mum spoke to him at the start of January. He wants to try counselling he just doesn’t really know where to start, says he has contacted one and had an appointment booked but then chickened out his emotions got the best of him. He doesn’t want to cry he says.

He does not like to speak about her even when I mention her to somewhat new people because I say it so casually and he says to some it comes off quite morbid when I just blurt out that I found my daughter dead. I guess that was my way of coping with it