Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

OP, you can’t start afresh if you’re not being savvy about the money side. It’s very noble to say that he can have the house, but this is your children’s future we’re talking about - you need to make it as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.

I didn’t say they weren’t entitled a share of their fathers money, of course they are and I don’t think he would try to fight over their share. As much as he wasn’t a great husband once we lost our daughter, he is a great father to his living kids.

I have thought this out, I’ve looked at my own finances, I am able to buy a house in the same area on my own if I wanted to. I like to think he’d help me, his parents pay for our children’s school fees, I’d like to think they won’t stop considering his mum has wanted me to confront her son, she’s helped me grieve for our daughter, she’s been there at our daughters grave just sat in silence with me. If for whatever reason his parents decided to stop my parents have offered plenty of times, my children will stay in the same school, they’ll continue to do the extracurricular activities that they like that’s not going to stop.

I can support them with the clubs they’re in and I have a great support system, great friends, family, his family, my siblings, I’m not alone I like ti think so anyway.

We are very lucky and privileged but I did blink at a £15k necklace that’s a crazy amount to spend, we are not multi millionaires.

I want the best for my children maybe I haven’t conveyed that well enough.

Of course I’m angry why are you making the assumption that I’m not

OP no you are not wrong and please divorce this man, he sounds really entitled and selfish. He does not want the dovorce as it will look bad on him, that is one, the other is he is still living the life as a single man, and if you divorce him all that will be exposed. Also, I am sure all his work mates and friends know he is treating you badly but for whatever reason are not telling you to leave him, probably because people now days are too wrapped in their own lives and feel they should mind their own business. Divorce this man.

@ThisCheekyWasp hi. Emotionally, how do you feel now after you had sex and talked? You said you felt connected to him again. It also sounds like there was honesty in your exchange. Do you want to work on it, or are you definite it’s over, or are you unsure (all are ok responses!)?

There is so much tragedy and loss in all this including your marriage. You would both have so much to unravel. But, as an uninformed randomer across the internet (me) it sounds like there is still love in there underneath tragic sadness and loneliness.

@ThisCheekyWasp I think because it seems very passive, to still be talking about wanting him to be happy and wanting the best for him. To still be wanting closeness and connection with him when he’s betrayed you so thoroughly and then made out like it was your fault for grieving your daughter. I feel furious at him on your behalf just reading it. I wouldn’t have allowed him to continue that conversation, blaming me and trying to imply that everyone was made uncomfortable by me - there’s something just so underhand and downright nasty of him bringing that up in the context of knowing he’d been having an actual affair. If I had messages from colleagues telling me my husband was behaving oddly in the context of enormous grief I’d take that to the grave with me, and focus on what I could do to support and help him, not bring it up in to blame him for my own betrayals.

I can see, given all you’ve been through, that you might just need to conserve your energy and can’t waste it on blowing up at him, but he definitely deserves to be made to feel the weight of what he’s done and the pain he’s caused. Plus I just think you’re so hung up on being reasonable, and assuming reasonableness from him (there’s a lot of ‘I’d like to think’ in your previous reply to me) when his behaviour towards you and the way he’s trying to emotionally manipulate and blame you implies he’s unlikely to be reasonable in return. I understand just being fully done and wanting to walk away without drama - but the fact you’re still willing to sleep with him implies you might not be quite there yet and he still has the potential to hurt you very much.

Gosh this is really difficult for you. I am so sorry. I'm sorry about your daughter. Unfortunately, it sounds like this tragic event was the catalyst for you both struggling with how to connect with each other.
I think he does love you, and you love him. I really think its best you see a counsellor together - maybe not your counsellor maybe a grief counsellor. Even if you decide to part, a counsellor can help you both manage and process this.
What worries me most about your post - is how much you love him and would stay with him if you felt he loved you. I think you need to explore if what happened to your daughter has been keeping you apart emotionally and therefore physically.
I am sorry to say it could also be he loves being a family and having you there means he gets to keep his family.
Also maybe read up on hysterical bonding, you want a divorce, he suddenly finds it in himself to be physical with you.

I'm not the poster you quoted, but you're coming across incredibly passive, not angry.

Who wouldn’t be angry in this situation?

Why did you have sex with him? I think you're hoping for a reconciliation. I think that you will believe his lies and keep plodding along until he decides to leave. I hope that I'm wrong though.

@ThisCheekyWasp - I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry for the loss of your daughter, and the lack of support you received from a lot of people. Bereavement and grief change us all and re-shape us. It’s a long journey that never ends, we just adjust to cope better with the ‘new normal’.

I also wanted to add that at the same age as you I realised (for different reasons) that my marriage had run its course, and did similar to you - just announced “I want a divorce”. Put the wheels in motion quickly, put the children first and accepted that we had grown apart.

We have both gone on to be FAR happier. Don’t get me wrong, there were and still are many challenges and it hasn’t been easy and stress free. But, we are all happier - the DCs are adults now and well rounded, happy, have great relationships with us both etc. As younger DCs they adjusted to us divorcing very quickly and very well - maybe they could see what we’d ignored for too long.

Wishing you all the very best. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what he’s done/not done and what could have been different. You’re not happy and fulfilled in your marriage and have realised you don’t have to stay in it, you don’t have to remain stuck - there’s a new life out there for you all.

Because hysterical bonding is an instinctive thing and many many people do in exactly these circumstances. Probably the vast majority. Stop judging the OP who is in a hard place at the moment.

We’ve had a brief discussion about the house and finances and from the looks of it neither of us hate each other that much to fight. He said I say what I want and I can have it what’s his is mine (his own words) I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m sad, this is someone I’ve loved since I was 22, someone who I’ve grown with, losing our daughter was tough and I wish we could have been strong enough to go through it together but we weren’t and that sucks for our family, our children are in therapy to help them with the grief, the sessions aren’t as often anymore but I’ve tried. I wish my husband came to counselling with me it would have been nice but that’s not what happened.

Sleeping with him was me wanting some sort of connection, I’m human I’m not perfect, and I’m hurt. You don’t need to judge me for having sex with him.

Well yes, of course. If I was angry with someone for cheating on me, I wouldn't have sex with them, but I realise everyone reacts differently.

The fact that he went to work says it all.

*Assuming he’s not a lifesaving surgeon with patients waiting on the operating table.

Be brave, be happy x

You don’t need to judge me or make assumptions

You are being very grown up about this. That’s positive. It sounds like the bereavement has really put a wedge between you and there may be no way back now he’s thrown himself on another woman. Sadly losing a child is commonly followed by marital breakdown.

Re divorce - not his choice to make. You can have a divorce if you want one.

I would ask him for a list of his spending on his other woman; and then ask him to transfer to my personal bank account an amount 50% of the excess amount he spent on the affair partner. All the hotels, meals, gifts, petrol money driving to see her, flights etc. that is money he’s taken out of the joint pot and belonged to him, you and the kids jointly.

move the money to an account he doesn’t know about

Please do NOT simply hand over the house. That reaction is probably a reflection of your emotional state - you have lost a child, and had a lying husband betray you at the worst time of your life. But in the future you will heal - and you will want the memories - both the painful ones from when your dd was alive and also the new ones you will make with your boys when your dh leaves. Show your boys how to keep putting one foot in front of the other - Your kids are grieving too I assume - if you simply walk away from their home it could be devastating. You and dh need to work out who is the best person to keep the house - if you’re primary carer then you should maintain the family home .

I agree.

I was in psychosis and my husband went to work when I was clinging on to him becasue I believed I was going to be taken to prison

@ThisCheekyWasp please ignore all the judgemental comments. You’ve been through the worst thing imaginable in losing your daughter, you are grieving and now your marriage has imploded. You are going to feel numb, it’s not weak to feel like that.

Does your husband want to separate now, or would he like to work on the relationship?

Normally in a cheating situation I’d say leave, don’t even think about it but yours is such a different situation. Both of you are still going through such fresh grief and devastation, the loss of your daughter is still so new. Yes he’s acted appallingly, however grief can make people do things they wouldn’t usually do. You know your husband, is this the type of person he is generally, or is it completely out of character. If there is still love on both sides, I’d be tempted to at least hold fire for a bit. Go to counselling, insist he gets counselling too. Talk some more before making a decision.

It was a 20 year relationship, that's why the Op had sex with him. If you haven't had that then you probably could never understand. This man was her life then everything fell apart with the death of their dd. They have been through so much together. It's just sad. I'm so sorry OP, life isn't fair is it?

It's sounds hopeful that you can sort this out amicably OP but just be a little wary, people can quite suddenly change into someone you don't recognise at all even after they have promised you the world. Even when you think you know them so well they can turn into someone you feel like you don't. Hopefully that won't be the case though, but just be aware. And don't just hand the house over to him, be fair to yourself and make sure you get your share of everything.

I’m not judging you I promise and I’m sorry it came across that way!

I’m worried that you’re maybe giving him more credit than he deserves.

They all say the right thing at the start, they won’t fight, you can have whatever you want etc. It’s very very common for that to change once they realise you’re not backing down - I hope he’s a good enough man to not make it more difficult than it needs to be and not screw you over, but please just at least be aware that this very often changes and even the best of them can get nasty (and this includes in laws who had previously been close and seemed on your side, so be careful what you share there too).

The way he’s acted and the things he’s used against you do not paint him in a good light - keep your anger about that, don’t let him pin the blame on your sadness and him not knowing how to connect - as you say he could have connected when you were asking him to come to therapy with you, he could have connected when you were trying lingerie and toys, he could have spoken to you about all this at any point. He chose an affair, and when you confronted him he blamed you.

I really am so sorry for what you’ve been through and hope you can come through this with the peace you need. You sound an incredible mother and like you really did give your all to the marriage so remember that too, what you’re capable of.

There are lots of confusing emotions OP I think that is normal in this situation so if you are being passive or angry or whatever you don't need to justify that to anyone. It's hard, you don't need to make every decision today, you can take some time to consider your options and what arrangements will work best for you and the kids but it's good to know you have options. Good luck OP.

You sound very confused, when I read your posts I thought she doesn’t want a divorce, she wants him to come back and this is a warning shot to manipulate that.

then I read you had sex immediately on him asking, which I think confirms it for me, I mean the man told you he’s cheating on you, spending money on another woman are you response was to shag him and ask for cash.

its really messed up, if you want him back, then just be open about that.

Oh OP, the loss of a child is just horrific.
I am so so sorry.
His behaviour has been dreadful but is no doubt influenced by her death and him being a weak selfish man.
Not all men whom lose a child behave like this, though they definitely struggled terribly.
It has happened to my sibling and my husbands sibling, and the grief was a very very long hard road.
Two years is nothing in it.
Not all marriages survive it, there is no shame in that.
Be sensible financially as you need security, not financial worries.
Get everything you should.
A man who would give a 15k necklace to some woman is silly and vulnerable.
You need a clear unemotional head to ensure finances are set for the long term for your children.
Good legal advice is critical for this.
I am so sorry for you.
Heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking.

Edited because I have realised that you're really struggling. I'm not judging you having sex with him, just explaining why people didn't think you were angry.

He has gaslighted you in to thinking his behaviour is all your fault. It's not. I hope you're ok.