Thinking of opening relationship. Can it work?

[Simplysayingit]

My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

Second this. What would you do OP if your partner went off with one of these men?

So your husband has arranged to meet up with and have sex with a man? But you think he’s less likely to leave you for a man so it’s fine? The logic is incredibly flawed there, but if your husband having sex with other people works for you then that’s fine, just beware that a bisexual man is just as likely to leave you for a man as a woman. Especially when he’s exploring something he’s denied to himself for a very long time.

Ensure he uses condoms whatever he does.

I’m not sure a guy from grindr would be that interested in you joining in the fun. Might turn him off. Honestly I think consensual non-monogamy is extremely tricky to navigate and even more so with kids and bisexuality in the mix. It’s not worth the upsets just for the sex in many cases. But if you’re determined to do it, I’d involve a couples counsellor or sex therapist to make sure all the ground rules and comms are in place and keep on being understood. That’s been the best way for people I know and it’s still not been easy.

Good for you. It sounds like you’ve both been open and you’ve been honest and it may open a new world for you both. The thing is, my worry is that you’ve already expressed feelings of threat and jealousy which makes me think that this may not work out at all. Speak to other polygamous people and open couples and speak to them about how they manage this. It’s not possible for everyone. Good luck

Don't want to burst your bubble, your husband had sex with men, then at the very least he IS bisexual. No ifs, buts and maybes.
Every fibre of my body hates the idea of an open relationship, it doesn't matter if we are talking a woman or a third being introduced... (Anyone who differentiates the two is absolutely confusing to me - intimacy is intimacy, no matter what that other person would have in between his/her legs). That is me and my wife. It is pretty simple.
You, on the other hand @Simplysayingit , what you are describing needs a few more rounds of thinking through. Only being ok with another man because you fear that he might run off with another woman? Oh boy, where do we start... First of all, you clearly lack the trust most people who are into open relationships describe, second, if he's bi, it will not matter if you reduce the possibilities to men...Third, this is not a "toy", it is apparently a lifestyle, please consider that once you cross that line, there is no way back. You can decide that it's not for you at that point, but you have opened up the relationship, your intimacy is not strictly between the two you anymore. It will change something that can't be undone. If you are ok with that, up to you. But it sounds like you are not sure anyway, and as far as I understand this as an outsider, you both need to be sure, otherwise it just doesn't work.
I personally don't believe it in, it sounds like a horrible thing. Up to you, everyone can do whatever they want, as long as everyone is on the same page, I am sure.

I’d actually be far more worried that he would leave you for a man to be honest- especially speaking sexually. Another woman can only give the same as you can, another man however if he decides that actually that is his preference is something you can never compete with.

Oh and just remembered with one couple I know who opened up, even though they did so very carefully and thoughtfully, it was only a matter of weeks before one fell in love with the third and they became committed partners with the original partner still there but very much on the outside. It’s ongoing and emotionally tough. Not all that sexy really.

I would recommend watching Open House (The Great Sex Experiment). Yes I realise it’s just thinly-veiled advertising for the OnlyFans accounts of the “hosts” but it does highlight the breadth of things that can go wrong (as well as right). Each episode is a little different in terms of the couple’s rules going in and the emotions coming out.

To be honest I think this show was the starting point of the whole conversation between us. The show really interested us.

If you got together when he was 25 and he has had sex with men previously then he is bisexual and has already had opportunity to explore this. If he is bisexual then he could just as much fall for a man as a woman. Or realise that he actually just likes having sex with other people. Which to honest, sounds like what he is really interested in exploring.

How funny! It had the opposite effect on me.

I've known a few couples over the years with an open marriage. It has without exception benefitted the man more than the woman. Their relationships have either not survived and/or the woman has felt emotionally damaged. Think very carefully OP. He might say he'll stop if you don't like it, but once he's all in and enjoying himself it will be a very different story. He's also just as likely (if not more so) to leave you for a man as a woman.

Your poor children.

What if you decide you want him to stop but he really doesn't want to? Is the bloke bi because I don 't think a gay man is going to want you involved. I think this has the potential to get very messy.

What about the show interested you? The bit where one partner is always upset and clearly being coerced into it? Feels like they have to to stop the other person cheating? I found it horrendous and borderline abusive. Not to mention completely bizarre how their ‘therapists’ are always encouraging people to have sex with randoms and then gaslighting the partner that gets upset by it.

If your partner has had and enjoyed previous experiences with men, then he's bisexual. He's a bisexual man, who has chosen to be in a committed relationship with a woman.

Your partner can leave you for a man, just as easily as he can a woman. In fact I'd have thought the risks of him suddenly realising what he's been missing, and leaving for a man, would be higher, than leaving for a woman.

You need to be extremely sure that you want to open up your relationship. Once it's happened, it can't be undone. What happens if you decide sharing your partner isn't for you, but your partner is having the time of his life?? How sure are you that he would be willing to stop, and go back to just you? I think you could have a real potential that on the surface he stops meeting men, but instead still continues in secret.

I'm assuming your partner is meeting with a gay man for sex, rather than a bisexual one? To be included with any meet ups, your partner is going to need to find a bisexual man, that you both fancy.

I would be very cautious. These situations often end in disaster.

To me, it seems like a lot of emotional bureaucracy that would break the couple apart regardless, if not already done so. I don't fully grasp why marriage is necessary if ultimately everyone just wants to have a let-out. Clearly, there's something unsatisfying for both of you, and bringing in a third person will only make things more complicated. I think you'll be emotionally broken especially if you're premenopausal. Your marriage your choice in the end.

Of course it can work. Plenty of couples aren't strictly monogamous - as long as you communicate well, are honest and respect each others' boundaries, there is no reason not to have fun in this way.

And it's not remotely unusual to find the idea of imagining/seeing your guy with another guy a huge turn on. Obviously for others this would be a real turn off - everyone is different, sexually. As long as it's all consensual, I see no issue...

If you are looking for a guy to join you in a threesome I would think it might be better to look on a site specifically designed for group sex, like Fab Swingers? I'm not expert, but from what I understand, Grindr is designed for guys to meet other guys, no women involved.

Happy to stand corrected if this isn't the case.

The show itself was a talking point as to if we would ever be interested in doing something similar. Completely aware that some people were upset with their other halves but I think on a whole both partners entered into the arrangement both with views of what they wanted out of it. From what we saw, afterwards all couples spoke about how they felt and if they wanted to continue.
For us we have both said what our hard no’s are and have both agreed to completely stop of the other is uncomfortable. We know what we are interested in trying and know what potential consequences could be.

It’s an interesting show but remember it’s all filmed for TV. They want extreme reactions and behaviour. I really cannot think of anything worse than an open relationship I think they almost never work and these cool girls who think it does are fooling.

Men give great blowjobs. Beware!

I do think this sounds naive and as a pp said, completely stopping after a hard no doesn’t put the genie back in the bottle. Maybe it’s already too late. You’ll both change and need so much communication and trust - and luck, so good luck. But be prepared to lose what you had and make sure it’s worth it for the gain.

You will need to consider the possibility that once you go through with it and then end up changing your minds, it is not something you can ever undo. You would have completely given up on what you had prior to opening up your relationship. You can always decide to stop, but it's not as simple as trying a new food.