Thinking of opening relationship. Can it work?

[Simplysayingit]

My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

I totally get that and we have both agreed that if one isn’t happy then we both stop.

@Simplysayingit - i would suggest having a read of Open by Jenny Block if you’ve not already looked at it. Maybe also The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.

But i agree with PP: Grindr is not the place to find men interested in a 3-some with a woman and there seems to me a greater risk of your DH wanting to leave you for a man than another woman. He already knows he’s bisexual if he experimented with men before getting together with you.

DH and i have had elements of an open relationship over the years and i think it can work with careful discussion and boundaries, but we have in fact availed ourselves of the openness extremely rarely. It was quite a long journey to get there - not a decision quickly made. I know people who have lived it much more fully than us. Ultimately I’m pretty sceptical about where it takes you and i do think the very intimate nature of sex is an argument for exclusivity. But frankly, i’m not a very sexual person - someone who is may feel differently.

And then what? Forget it ever happened? I know more couples personally that said the same thing, tried it, decided it's not for them, but the line has been crossed, and the thought of seeing their partner touching someone else proved to be too much for them in the long run. That's what we mean by never being able to go back. If it works out, good for you, but have to consider what you might lose if it doesn't. Up to you, naturally.

Hi - we have an open marriage and have done for a few years. Works well. Feel free to private message any questions. I only say private message because I don't want my replies to any questions you may have to be picked over by strangers on the Internet.

Thank you.

If you really want to learn the pitfalls before you get into it then go onto Fab and read some of the topics on the forum.

Your boundaries are already wavering because your initial play is your DH fucking other men. Then there’s potential for you to get involved - so involved how? Are you going to potentially play with the other guy as well? So you’ll be looking for a bi guy happy to play with your DH, but also maybe you. So that means there needs to be a three way attraction, not just between the two men - have you been any part of the chat so far? Is the guy aware this is what you’re thinking? Is your DH happy with you playing with a guy when he’s not to play with women?

Its very common in swinging for curious couples to forget that the singleton is a person - a person high desires and boundaries of their own - not just a sex toy for them to do as they wish.

Why Grindr and not Fab? Grindr is a hook up app for men so if you’re considering getting involved, and you must know that there are swinging apps from watching Open House, then why has there not been even enough research to find fab or swing hub?

As someone who has been swinging on and off for 20+ years you sound nowhere near prepared enough or researched enough to actually go into this successfully.

Open House has made a lot of people curious about open relationships and swinging, but not in a good way. It’s given an entirely unrealistic picture of what it should be like and what it is like, and many folks who’ve watched it seem to not realise that a lot of it was scripted and edited to be salacious tv, rather than realistic.

Honestly, it reads like a fabricated story. I can’t help thinking the poster just enjoys the idea of people prying into their relationship. I’m still struggling to believe they were actually browsing on Grindr 🤣 And the logistics with 3 children if they still live at home with them.

Tbh pre Open House I would have agreed with you.

Post Open House (and a couple of other progs on over the last couple of years) I wouldn’t actually be surprised.

Someone I know who runs a swinger’s club actually had a couple join where they genuinely believed that the club staff would (and should) step in if either one of them broke their agreed boundaries. Not club rules, their own personal boundaries. 😂

Honestly never heard of Fab. Foolish really that we thought grinder was a good place to start. Will definitely look into better apps

Not fabricated. This was merely to get advice from like minded couples and discus some of the pitfalls that comes with something like this. Plenty of other places to go to have some mischievous fun. Not everything has to be done in the family home or our own bedroom.

What actual research have you done?

Have you discussed any of the points I’ve made about the possibility of you joining your DH and the other guy? Is the other guy remotely aware that you are potentially looking for this or have you just assumed he’ll be fine with it?

Foolishly we haven’t looked into apps. We just went a bit fast with that admittedly. The other guy said a fully aware I exist and that I may be interested in a threesome. He seems to be open to it also.

Have you reasearched STI testing, what’s available in your area and the potential costs?

what about the likes of PREP and HPV & hep vaccinations?

Beyond apps what research have you done?

surely mumsnet after your DH has been chatting to someone for some time isn’t the only research into the pitfalls you’ve done?

But what are you getting from this? Surely someone from Grindr will be there out of interest for your DH. From a physical pleasure point of view, if you were to join in with DH and a man chosen from Grindr, would many of these men even know how to pleasure a women? I wouldn't have thought it fun in a threesome type set up if one of the people there was not interested in me. I'd feel like a third wheel/ spectator to yohr husbands sexual explorations. Unless of course they are bi - sexual like your DH. Have you thought about this? Because any man you choose will always be bi- sexual or gay? I wouldn't be sexually attracted to this type of man myself.

they would be more likely to divorce if they failed to explore avenues that might make their intimate life together more satisfying.
^

Have you heard of hotels? There are a few of them about!

Yes. Do some deep research, reading , listening, talking. Take your time. This is an irreversible act with some unpredictable outcomes possible. You need to be mentally prepared for the full range.

95% chance it'll be a disaster and you'll end up with the drudgery of looking after the three children while he goes out and has hot sex - and then resents you for it when you make him stay home. Or resents you if you tell him you want him to stop, and close the relationship when he doesn't want to because he's having fun. Then you'll end up divorced while he goes out and plays the field, and you're still stuck looking after the children.

5% chance you'll have hot MMF threesomes and have a great time.

Honestly, I think the best time for playing around with threesomes is when you're only casually attached, and don't mind too much if it goes tits up. The reality of opening a relationship (for most people) is not at all like the fantasy idea of it.

(You'll also be raising the risk of HIV and other STIs, even if you know for sure that he's using condoms.)

Especially given he's now got his three kids from a woman, so he's 'been there, done that' with the heterosexual side of things, and might just decide the grass is greener on the other side, with a boyfriend who has a high libido because he's not running around parenting kids like the OP is. Instead, he'll get to be a part-time dad, and have plenty of sex with his new bf. It's definitely a risk.

Seriously?
Do you really think children aren't affected by their parents relationships and life choices?
If children are so irrelevant to people then they they really would be better off not bringing any into the world.

I’m gay, though I only realised this in my 30s. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time so didn’t face your husband’s dilemma, though I will say that once I got into a regular relationship with a woman (as opposed to the infrequent and occasional fumbles that had occurred in my teens), I’ve never gone back to men.

I dated a woman once who was in an open marriage with her wife, which had been precipitated by the wife (who was bi) wanting to sleep with men. They had no kids. The wife had slept with loads of men and had even fallen in love with one, who became her regular bf. My “gf” dated several women, of whom I was one. The 2 people in this marriage were married in name only. All of their emotional attention went on their extra marital partners. I found it odd and stopped dating the woman in question. What’s the point of staying married to someone you share nothing but a home with?

I find it very hard to believe that a man found on grindr would be interested in a three way with a woman, maybe… some guys are just into EVERYTHING but it really is a gay hook up app.
if your partner really wanted to experiment with men AND you in the bedroom he’d be looking on swingers sites for a man to third wheel , not a men’s gay sex site.
i think you should either accept he’s bi and let him have his man on man sex life in addition to yours or just be with other people who tuck all your boxes.
if it’s an open marriage you want then it may be that you don’t get involved with each other’s other partners and stop thinking about inserting yourself into his gay hook up ‘once the two men have got used to each other’ or whatever it is you said.
once they’ve built up a thing between them there’s a very slim chance they’ll want you there at all.
watch sex and the city, Sam’s threesome with Richard , I can see you as the Samantha in this scenario

I guess some do it for the home, the kids, stability and security, financially and otherwise, for appearances etc.
i get why people do it but it’s just not for me