Thinking of opening relationship. Can it work?

[Simplysayingit]

My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

We have three children

I don't know what age your children are OP but where do they fit into all of this?

Keep in mind that Open House was a scripted, set up tv series that was made to be as dramatic and salacious as possible.

It’s nothing like actual swinging for the vast majority of people.

Having a jealous personality is never a good mix with any kind of open relationship.

Why do you both want to open the relationship? He wants to experiment, that’s clear, but why do you want to do it.

What’s going to be fun for you when you’re stuck at home with the kids while he’s off getting his jollies with someone who isn’t you?

If you do do it then you should take small steps with very tight boundaries that are loosened each time you are comfortable - jumping in with him going off to fuck or be fucked is likely to be a disaster.

Why are you pearl clutching? Their parents obviously won’t expose their kids to their sex life, their parents are active communicators and honest with each other and probably have a better marriage than many on this site because of this.

I think feeld might be a good website for this kind of thing

Well if it all goes tits up when the husband goes off with a man what will mummy tell the kids then?

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

What does any parent of a failed marriage tell their kids if the father goes off with another person? For gods sake, we can use some common sense to when it comes to children. 🙄

It's not " pearl clutching" to be concerned about children's welfare
.
We don't know how old the children are but at some point they are going to wonder about their father's abscences when he is off with his other sexual partner's.

Children arent stupid and they will become aware of a shift in their parents previously " stable " relationship.

Of course their parents opening up their marriage has the potential to change and upset their lives and to pretend otherwise is naive.

My friend nearly drank himself to death after he found out his parents marriage was fake and his dad was really gay. It destroyed his view of his family and his personal history. He never spoke to his dad again.

I had parents who shagged around and talked about it in front of their kids and I too went NC.

Put your kids first instead of your husband's orgasm FFS. If he wants to get cock, get a divorce.

Her kids are irrelevant here. I don't mean they don't matter, I mean their parents sexual choices won't be known by them and therefore can't have any impact on them.

Nobody should expose their kids to their sex life, regardless of who it's with. Why do you think she is more likely to than anybody else?

And anybody can split up, and yes kids can be badly impacted by divorce, but frankly they can also be badly impacted by their parent staying together... It's entirely contextual.

I don't see that OP and her partner exploring this makes them any more likely to divorce, quite frankly. Indeed, there is an argument to say they would be more likely to divorce if they failed to explore avenues that might make their intimate life together more satisfying.

And it's irrelevant whether we, as readers, would find their choices enjoyable. We aren't them! They obviously like the idea of a threesome with another man, otherwise they wouldn't be discussing it.....

Are you sure he hasn't pushed the conversation this way so he gets exactly what he was hoping out of this guilt free? Is he not just gay? Sounds a bit like... 'oh ok then I guess I'll just download Grindr as you suggested it...' .. I can't imagine you joining in is any part of this agenda tbh

The OP question is: am I being completely naive or shall I just go for it and enjoy? The way it is formulated shows how the OP is looking for validation of what’s already happening, something that’s already going out of her control. Grindr is an app for men who want to meet men. They’re not interested in having sex with middle aged women, and the fact that her husband is already engaging with someone is quite telling. I’m not convinced that seeing him having sex with another man in real life is going to be an enjoyable experience for a woman who is navigating mid-life challenges and basically rocking her world as her husband has not been able to explore fully his bisexual orientation. The answer to your question is: you’re not being naive, you are just following your husband desires and when he’ll figure out that his next decade would be better off with a man that doesn’t go through the changes of menopause you’d be probably jealous of that too. I think you should just give yourself some space to really understand what you’re signing up for.

Recipe for disaster but you seem determined so 🤷‍♀️

Well will you tell them the truth? “Darlings I was trying to spice up my marriage so we let a man into our sex life. Now it seems that daddy has gone off with that man. Sorry and all that.”

If your DH had an affair with a woman or met another man or woman after your marriage ended these would all be completely different scenarios.

I agree with a pp. why let him go on grindr to find a man? If you really wanted to you could find a straight bi man willing to be in an open relationship. Even though I don’t agree with open relationships.

Reading the OP again it’s not at all clear to me why the topic of him sleeping with another woman came up, if the point is to explore his bisexuality? Or was it because your libido was low and you were looking to offload some of his gratification, but that is no longer the case?

Isn’t it the fact OP finds another woman a threat in the bedroom not least because she’s worried her DH would run off with her. But because DH has experimented with men in the past OP seems to think they’re a safe option.

I’m wondering why the topic even came up, not why it was rejected once it had come up.

If the purpose of the exercise is exploring him having sex with men, why was him having sex with other women even on the table to be rejected?

what is it to do with them?

It sounds like you feel comfortable with the idea of it and you feel like you're in complete control and could pull the plug at any point.

These things have a way of surprising us.

Some people can make these sorts of dynamics work, most can’t. I wish you luck op

This 👆🏼
i do feel like we are both in control of this situation. We both discussed it at length and agree to “spice” up our relationship.

I actually read between the lines a little and I get the impression that OP finds the idea of H with a man a turn on. Especially from the part where her libido has suddenly reignited since the conversations. So I can actually see her being in the drivers seat of this.

OP, if that’s the case then good for you. I can’t tell you what it’ll play out like, if your marriage will survive but there are countless websites for this sort of thing, it’s not uncommon so if you’re looking for validation or a green light there’s plenty of it there. Fabswingers is one of the sites that’s known for this. I don’t think you’ll find it on MN.

Thank you!

Did we watch the same TV programme? In the one I watched, feeling like you’re in control of the situation and being in control of the situation often turned out to be very different things.

I mentioned that a woman is a no go purely because I don’t feel comfortable with it. I wanted to add context as to why we were looking for a guy.
Definetly a bit silly on our part to just look at grinder. To be honest we weren’t aware of other apps for this kind of thing.