Thinking of opening relationship. Can it work?

[Simplysayingit]

My partner, a 39-year-old man, and I, a 40-year-old woman, have been happily together for over 15 years. We have three children and are comfortably settled in a very stable relationship.

I’m straight, and we believe that if we hadn’t met so young, my partner might have explored a side of himself that we think could make him bisexual. In fact he has told me about some sexual experiences he has had with men before we met. However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed that my libido hasn’t been where it used to be. I think I’m hitting peri-menopause and I’ve been feeling a bit sexually indifferent. My partner has been incredibly supportive throughout this time though. We do have sex just not as regularly as we would both like. I should say I’m very open about sex and all that goes with it. I’m open to different positions, oral sex, anal sex (him and me) and we also enjoy using toys in the bedroom.

Recently, we had a hypothetical discussion about introducing someone else to our sexual exploration and experiences. I firmly declined the idea of another woman because the thought of another woman in the bedroom makes me extremely jealous. Partly, this is because I’m more likely to imagine my partner running off with another woman. (I know they could run off with anyone, but this scenario just seems more likely in my mind.) However, I did say that I wouldn’t mind another man in the bedroom because I think I would be less jealous, and am less likely to believe he would leave me for a man.

Then, we discussed whether my partner would be open to anal sex with the other man. Since then, we’ve had many frank and honest discussions about how it would work, where it would be, and our hard limits. My partner has set up a Grindr account with my permission and has been messaging a few guys. He’s been honest with them and told them that he has a partner who is aware of what he’s doing—my partner has been showing me the messages he’s been receiving and sending.

He’s found a potential match on the site and the match knows that I know about the whole situation. He’s hoping to meet and hook up with this guy this week to see if he enjoys it and if we both are happy to continue the arrangement. Obviously safety is paramount and we’ve spoken about all of that too. We’ve agreed that at any point if either of us feels we don’t want to continue, we stop straight away.

I’ve also expressed that if the other guy is open to it, I might join in with the “fun” in the future. Also since we started this topic of conversation my libedo has gone through the roof and I’m way more active in the bedroom.

Am I being completely näive in thinking that this situation could work or should we just go for it and enjoy it.

Men say anything to get laid. This includes gay men. If someone from a gay site is attracted to your husband then they could easily say yeah to his wife potentially getting involved down the line because they want a hook up with him.
not everyone is honest online, nor to do with matters of the heart genitals.

Some people are skillful at keeping their sex lives separate from their children's lives.

As the children get older and more aware, they may then discuss openly different lifestyles with their children as theoretical possibilities, while still keeping their activities private.

Because their children have been educated to keep an open mind, if the secret (to them) but consensual (to their other parent) is revealed, chances are they would not then be damaged by this, even if they may be a bit surprised to find it so close to home.

That's how I can imagine it in any case.

That's fair enough. You are acknowledging that the children are a part of the scenario.

But the poster I was quoting seemed to be assuming that the children were a total irrelevance in their parents lives. Which is a pretty horrendous way to treat children.

My marriage is 'open' to an extent. We have done all kinds of things separately and together. However it was open from the start which I think makes a difference. I am a big fan obviously it works brilliantly for us, but it involves a lot of communication and negotiation, respect and tolerance. Any questions you have I'm happy to consider answering! (Only caveat is the moral judgement you get on mumsnet - not always willing to lay myself open to that!)

Oh goodness me - you're not going to find a MMF on Grindr! Fab is the one and feeld if you're looking more to date than hook up. Loads of bi people on fab. You may want to consider a couple profile if you're looking for MMF - if he has a single profile he will probably only attract gay men who won't be up for including you.

The OP has not given enough detail on this aspect.

Which doesn't mean she hasn't thought it through. She may have , she may not have. What could help her are well-framed questions.

I think that curt comments like "Your Poor Children" imply that poster "knows better" and is oh so sure that the OP doesn't lead a well considered life.

Unhelpful in my view - hence the next posters curt reaction.

People can't read minds so curt posts can often be interpreted negatively.

Of course maybe not everyone is here to help. It's a public forum.

The bit that worries me is you saying that this is all connected to you feeling a bit less keen on sex in perimenopause. It would be one thing to do it because it’s what you both want to do. It’s another to feel you ought to agree to it to make up for the fact that you don’t want as much sex at the moment.

I also agree with pp that involving men instead of women is no safer in terms of whether your husband is likely to leave you.

I would really encourage you to take it slowly and think about whether it’s what you truly want, not just something you feel you ought to agree to. If the aim is for you to be involved as well then I’d go back to the drawing board and start again with a more suitable app and with you involved from the start, and everyone aware of this- it’s not fair on the other man to spring the idea on him and you also all need to be sure there is attraction from the start.

Are you also going to be free to sleep with other people without your husband if you wish?

I think there are three ways of looking at what OP said about her sex drive. One is that if a couple's sex life is waning, introducing other people can compound that and generate more insecurity. This is a real risk. Another is to consider what OP said about how discussing/planning this has energised her sex drive - this is a real effect but it might not last for very long. The third is a controversial one but it's something more couples should probably consider which is that women's sex drive often drops in peri and sometimes vanishes completely. Men's sex drive just doesn't. I think more couples might make it to old age if they were accepting of this fact and considered opening the relationship for the man to have casual sexual relationships outside of the marriage. I know most women would struggle with this but then they also struggle with expectation of sex they don't want and with their male partner's' unhappiness at enforced celibacy. The cultural norm of monogamy is very powerful for sure.

This. Put your kids stability over your DH’s orgasms. Not just a marriage but a family you could potentially destroy. You are playing with fire.

You are right OP hasn't said much about her children, apart from endorsing the view point that the pp worrying about them was " pearl clutching" and later saying that they would be " sensible" when it came to the children.

But. She volunteered the information that she had three children and as soon as she did that her children's welfare became a factor to be considered by anyone reading her post that cares about children.

Certainly for me her attitude comes over as the priority being fulfilling the sexual needs of her H , and to a lesser extent herself. And I find that difficult to sympathise with because my priority is my children and their welfare and happiness trumps everything else.

Not with children in the equation.

@ShawnaMacallister I don’t disagree, just think that OP needs her eyes open to all of this.

On the third point, if that’s the situation then it needs to be agreed freely and without anyone feeling any obligation, explicit or implicit. And importantly everyone needs to be on the same page, which it doesn’t really sound as if they are at the moment.

Those who are worrying about the effect on the children - so many marriages end because of bed death. This couple are considering how to address that potential issue and whilst it's risky - it could equally pay off, or just fizzle out into nothing. It doesn't automatically lead to divorce!

There’s a big difference between wanting to invite another man into your bedroom for your mutual enjoyment (whether this be you participating or watching) and your husband going off solo to have sex with other men. You need to have a good think about your boundaries and exactly what you want to get out of this. No judgement whatever works for you, but I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with the second option.

Wow. So in your opinion, if a woman's libido drops 'too much' then they should continue to do all the wife work for their husband while ensuring he gets sex from a younger woman (since so many old hags' libidos drop in peri, while men always stay horndogs til the end 😐), so that he doesn't abandon her after a lifetime of birthing and raising his children, and being a supportive partner to him?

Oh yes, that sounds like great fun 😐 Women would really benefit from that arrangement! (I can see why it's so controversial. Because it's terrible.)

But in this couple’s case, they had no children and all of their friends and families knew about their other relationships, and in some cases had even met the other partners! I couldn’t get my head around it.

Yes, I genuinely think that more marriages would last into old age if women who no longer want sex would agree to their partner having sex with other people. If that's not a marriage that a woman wants that's fine, but so many marriages limp on in resentment and misery due to bed death which is shit for both parties.
I never said it's what people should do but I believe it would help many people stay together.

This is the problem. In your fantasy you can be in control. In reality, you can’t be. I have heard so many real life accounts of this. Where the couple earnestly set firm rules and boundaries. But you can’t set rules and boundaries about how someone will feel, what emotions will develop, and what choices they will ultimately make. You just can’t.

Go ahead if you want. But know you are opening something you can’t control.

Also, in the sex you are doubtlessly imagining yourself as the dominant stag, the one in control. Again, in reality it’s unlikely to be like this. The other man will have his own thoughts and motivations and priorities and desires, and they will be his, not yours. Ditto your H. There was a thread where the a couple introduced a woman to their sex life and the H was disappointed at becoming, perhaps unsurprisingly, the boring third wheel in the sex.

Go ahead if you want, but recognize you are letting go of control and boundaries if you do.

It’s basically the harem model 🤷‍♀️

And I'm sure more marriages would last into old age if divorce was illegal too. That doesn't mean it'd be a good idea for women!

I'm sure more marriages would last if women let their husbands visit strippers and prostitutes willy-nilly, too. Again, that doesn't mean it'd be a good idea!

You're basically saying that more marriages would last if women just totally denied any sense of self-respect, and gave their husbands whatever they want.

Good god. What an absolute disdain for women you must have.

Whatever you decide to do your children MUST come first. They must be central to your thinking.

😆
see this is why I don't like discussing open relationships on mumsnet.
That's not what I'm saying nor how I feel. But sure, I disdain women. Why not.

Silly comment. There are plenty of women who also want casual/NSA sex and nobody is talking about a bloody harem.

Look I'm all for doing what you want mutually to spice up a relationship. But I would urge you to let go of thinking you'll have any control over it. You really won't.

You didn't suggest that women have casual sex, though.

You said that as so many women's libidos drop in peri, they should let their husbands have sex with other women in order to prevent divorce.

That's not an equal give and take. The wife doesn't get anything in that situation, except all the drudgery, while her husband shags (and probably becomes infatuated with) other women. Gross.

At least in an open relationship where the wife has a high libido and is keen on the concept, she gets to shag other men.